Re: Hello, I'm a newbie... Really really REALLY Long, please forgive me

[Guest guest]

Hi Marilyn,

Thanks so much for writing. I totally relate to " I don't know how to

live right now... " and all the worries. Trust me, if you weren't

single, you'd have the worry of " what if he leaves me because of

this? "

You sound intelligent, insightful, and like you have a sense of

humor. You'll make it through this.

Sierra

> I'm a newbie to RA, and to this group too.

> I've been lurking on this group for a week or two, trying to decide

whether to stay or go! Go because I came in right when the 'blindness

from Embrol' post came and I started getting really freaked out by

reading about all the side effects and all the stories of pain &

misery (which I cna totally relate to).

> Having such a bad (mental) day, I thought I might introduce myself

now-maybe not the best idea, but there you are.

>

> I had been having many joint problems (shoulder, knee, feet,

wrists) for a year or two but my primary health focus (in California,

via the public health charity system, since I wasn't then working,

nor am I now)was getting a torn meniscus in my right knee repaired.

That was finally done and my knee improved but there was that

pesky, " complicated by arthritis " report. Then I had an MRI on a lump

on the outside of my R foot and report came back " cyst, suggestive of

RA " --and I said to myself " I don't have RA!! "

> Around that time, I was forced to sell my condo-which at least gave

me something to live on, and something to settle up some debts and I

moved to Coos Bay OR- Aug. 2003, so that move absorbed all my time &

energy and I let the whole health issue slide.

> Then in Dec 2003 I started getting horrific pain & weakness in my R

wrist- couldn't lift the covers or " take care of my personal needs " I

believe someone put it, with that hand.

> I went to the internist I started with up here and she had me DX'd

literally by feeling my wrist---> swelling, heat, the intense pain.

> The tests confirmed it, pos RA, elevated sed rate, so I was immed.

started on a gradually increasing dose of Prednisone, and then, in a

month or so, Methotrexate & Folic Acid. I felt better right away, but

unfortunately I'm single and newly retired (62) and supplement my

income with major selling on ebay....so I'm probably overdoing with

my hands & wrists. I have to be online several times every day to

make my ebay business work-not to mention trying to prepare meals,

shop, laundry etc. I've just hired someone to do my yardwork and to

clean every other week. So because of all the computer work and

shlepping things to the post office, I've been having quite a bit of

wrist pain and now in both wrists :-(

> My shoulders and feet are affected too==adn I worry worry worry

about ending up in a wheel chair and being so dependent and

everything, being single...I think much of my panic & fear is due to

worrying about the unknown and expecting the worst. I don't know how

to live right now. How much to do, how little, what has to go, what

can stay.

> I can't count the number of times I told the county doctors in LA

that my feet hurt and felt numb yet stiff and after sticking a pin in

them, it was ignored, since I could feel the pin. I feel rage at that-

total rage! No one considered , hmm maybe we should look into that.

> In any case, I've been terrribly scared & depressed, crying a lot,

(oh yeah, I suffer from recurring depressions, previously well-

handled with 8 years of Paxil).

> I am baring all here!

> Over the last years: I was fired from a career job of 8 years in

1996, never really got back on my feet job-wise or financially, got

into major debt, my older brother had a major stroke right after I

moved here ---all these health and financial issues have really

contributed to my stress levels and I can see the RA as a metaphor---

eating myself up...I think I am having a major breakdown---and did I

mention I have no insurance?! And I guess I'm un-insurable by now. or

cant pay for it. I have money in the bank which I'm using to buy the

small house I'm now renting, and pay for any & all other things,

including MD visits, RX's etc. I sometimes " like to worry " about what

will happen if I have to be hospitalized. I am pretty sure that the

only thing that gets me up in the morning is my cat whom I dearly

love! Yes, feeling soemwaht suicidal but not seriously ??? I do have

a couple good friends here in OR and of course, am worried about

burdening them with all this, (which I have but I still live with it)-

--and the depression is probably the worst...I hope I'm not bringing

any of you down with this...some ego huh?!

> Last but not least, I love to crochet and do XS and I feel I can't

do these either because of my computer work--it's breaking my heart

too...well, how about a pity party for Father's Day???

> I'm sorry to introduce myself this way--am having a horrible day

despite having read some and worked a bit on my ebay. Still in my

jammies at 3:45 PM and you know what that means! Sometimes it's a

relief to be single and not have to worry about anyone else seeing me

this way.

>

> I am trying to pull myself together so I can call my brother for

Father's day....he's *really* having problems, having been a very

active,athletic person and now having to learn to walk and move his L

arm again...that's when I start feeling very very guilty and self-

centered...but he's married and she's a nurse.

> sorry for the length of this and what might be very tedious for

many of you to read.

> Marilyn in Southern Oregon.

>

>

>

> ------------------

> http://cgi6.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?

ViewSellersOtherItems & userid=marecrochets

> http://stores.ebay.com/Mares-Virtual-Craft-Store

> http://www.picturetrail.com/msafier/

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Marilyn,

I just joined the group too, so welcome to you too. I can totally

relate to the inherant fear - of the unknown and being alone during

it. It seems that the more the pain hits, the worse the depression

becomes, doesn't it.

I used to be an executive assistant - CEO/President level and

because of my hands had to find a new profession - sales. Well, now

it has been a year and a half and the stress of that has sent me

over the top too. Yes, I think stress plays a BIG part in the

progression of this disease. I was in remission and now I am not,

so all the things that have happened to you lately do have an effect.

And your letter wasn't tedious...it was real, and honest..and from a

place that I bet most all of us either are or have been.

from CA

> I'm a newbie to RA, and to this group too.

> I've been lurking on this group for a week or two, trying to

decide whether to stay or go! Go because I came in right when

the 'blindness from Embrol' post came and I started getting really

freaked out by reading about all the side effects and all the

stories of pain & misery (which I cna totally relate to).

> Having such a bad (mental) day, I thought I might introduce myself

now-maybe not the best idea, but there you are.

>

> I had been having many joint problems (shoulder, knee, feet,

wrists) for a year or two but my primary health focus (in

California, via the public health charity system, since I wasn't

then working, nor am I now)was getting a torn meniscus in my right

knee repaired. That was finally done and my knee improved but there

was that pesky, " complicated by arthritis " report. Then I had an MRI

on a lump on the outside of my R foot and report came back " cyst,

suggestive of RA " --and I said to myself " I don't have RA!! "

> Around that time, I was forced to sell my condo-which at least

gave me something to live on, and something to settle up some debts

and I moved to Coos Bay OR- Aug. 2003, so that move absorbed all my

time & energy and I let the whole health issue slide.

> Then in Dec 2003 I started getting horrific pain & weakness in my

R wrist- couldn't lift the covers or " take care of my personal

needs " I believe someone put it, with that hand.

> I went to the internist I started with up here and she had me DX'd

literally by feeling my wrist---> swelling, heat, the intense pain.

> The tests confirmed it, pos RA, elevated sed rate, so I was immed.

started on a gradually increasing dose of Prednisone, and then, in a

month or so, Methotrexate & Folic Acid. I felt better right away,

but unfortunately I'm single and newly retired (62) and supplement

my income with major selling on ebay....so I'm probably overdoing

with my hands & wrists. I have to be online several times every day

to make my ebay business work-not to mention trying to prepare

meals, shop, laundry etc. I've just hired someone to do my yardwork

and to clean every other week. So because of all the computer work

and shlepping things to the post office, I've been having quite a

bit of wrist pain and now in both wrists :-(

> My shoulders and feet are affected too==adn I worry worry worry

about ending up in a wheel chair and being so dependent and

everything, being single...I think much of my panic & fear is due to

worrying about the unknown and expecting the worst. I don't know how

to live right now. How much to do, how little, what has to go, what

can stay.

> I can't count the number of times I told the county doctors in LA

that my feet hurt and felt numb yet stiff and after sticking a pin

in them, it was ignored, since I could feel the pin. I feel rage at

that-total rage! No one considered , hmm maybe we should look into

that.

> In any case, I've been terrribly scared & depressed, crying a lot,

(oh yeah, I suffer from recurring depressions, previously well-

handled with 8 years of Paxil).

> I am baring all here!

> Over the last years: I was fired from a career job of 8 years in

1996, never really got back on my feet job-wise or financially, got

into major debt, my older brother had a major stroke right after I

moved here ---all these health and financial issues have really

contributed to my stress levels and I can see the RA as a metaphor---

eating myself up...I think I am having a major breakdown---and did I

mention I have no insurance?! And I guess I'm un-insurable by now.

or cant pay for it. I have money in the bank which I'm using to buy

the small house I'm now renting, and pay for any & all other things,

including MD visits, RX's etc. I sometimes " like to worry " about

what will happen if I have to be hospitalized. I am pretty sure that

the only thing that gets me up in the morning is my cat whom I

dearly love! Yes, feeling soemwaht suicidal but not seriously ??? I

do have a couple good friends here in OR and of course, am worried

about burdening them with all this, (which I have but I still live

with it)---and the depression is probably the worst...I hope I'm not

bringing any of you down with this...some ego huh?!

> Last but not least, I love to crochet and do XS and I feel I can't

do these either because of my computer work--it's breaking my heart

too...well, how about a pity party for Father's Day???

> I'm sorry to introduce myself this way--am having a horrible day

despite having read some and worked a bit on my ebay. Still in my

jammies at 3:45 PM and you know what that means! Sometimes it's a

relief to be single and not have to worry about anyone else seeing

me this way.

>

> I am trying to pull myself together so I can call my brother for

Father's day....he's *really* having problems, having been a very

active,athletic person and now having to learn to walk and move his

L arm again...that's when I start feeling very very guilty and self-

centered...but he's married and she's a nurse.

> sorry for the length of this and what might be very tedious for

many of you to read.

> Marilyn in Southern Oregon.

>

>

>

> ------------------

> http://cgi6.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?

ViewSellersOtherItems & userid=marecrochets

> http://stores.ebay.com/Mares-Virtual-Craft-Store

> http://www.picturetrail.com/msafier/

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Marilyn in Southern Oregon,

Reading your letter was like reading my own " bio " . I know you are feeling so

many emotions right now, and many thoughts are cramming into your head. My

husband & I are pretty much in a similar situation as yourself, because

everything that has happened to us happend within the last 4 - 6 mos. My

husband is 15 yrs. my jr., very intelligent, but has never been able to lead a

normal life, or be successful in anything he pursued, due to disorders in his

own life. Now he is going through assessments to find out what he can do. He

feels like a ' failure who is turning old and never did anything with his life'.

As for me, I led a " normal " life for over 21 years working for the local phone

company, only to find myself " changed " almost overnight a few years ago. I

awoke one day to literally feel as though my entire world had been turned

up-side-down and dumped onto the ground. All of a sudden, I was not able to

focus my thoughts, think logically in the simplest way. I had become literally

" dumb " . I could not recall what I'd known so well just recently. It was so

scary that all I could do was ask myself " What happened? Where did I go " ? As

a result, I lost my job. My employer at the time implied that I was " stupid " .

I'm now being treated for ADHD, Depression.

In December of 2003, my husband and I were out of work, (still is, although he

tries very hard to find work on a study basis), and I'm not yet able to work.

Our cash is a concern as well. In March I began my own attempts to design and

sell jewelry to make ends meet...in May, I began to have severe joint problems,

and a few days ago I closed my business account.

Marilyn, I know you feel like there's no hope out there, but I please don't give

up. First of all, you must know that no one else can ever replace what you

alone can give in the way of your compassion, love, and friendship. The world

is huge, and everyone needs a smile. I KNOW you have that to give!!!! Please

take time to enjoy doing something that brings you joy...maybe it's as simple as

taking time for your favorite cup of coffee, or just a calming walk.

Have you had the chance to check with local organizations like the Red Cross or

similar places to see what might be offered in way of helping fill some of the

gaps you may be feeling in need of? We went to the local State Vocational

Rehabilitation center, and they began our assessments to determine what our

employment outlook is like, and if we have certain limitations.

Regarding Ebay...is there a way for someone to do the selling for you? A while

back I was looking into selling on Ebay, and I seem to recall that there was

such a thing, but you might wish to email them to check it out for sure. That

would probably help take a lot of stress off of you!

Marilyn, you mentioned feeling " guilty " because of what your brother is going

through. I struggled with some of the similar guilts, but I'm learning to

realize that my own challenges are also very real. They affect me, and so, must

be faced, learned and conquered. Life has a lot of " chapters " in it... help

others when and if possible, but please learn to " be there for Marilyn too. "

Remember you're SPECIAL !!!

Keeping you in thought,

Jefersea

[ ] Hello, I'm a newbie... Really really REALLY Long, please

forgive me

I'm a newbie to RA, and to this group too.

I've been lurking on this group for a week or two, trying to decide whether to

stay or go! Go because I came in right when the 'blindness from Embrol' post

came and I started getting really freaked out by reading about all the side

effects and all the stories of pain & misery (which I cna totally relate to).

Having such a bad (mental) day, I thought I might introduce myself now-maybe

not the best idea, but there you are.

I had been having many joint problems (shoulder, knee, feet, wrists) for a

year or two but my primary health focus (in California, via the public health

charity system, since I wasn't then working, nor am I now)was getting a torn

meniscus in my right knee repaired. That was finally done and my knee improved

but there was that pesky, " complicated by arthritis " report. Then I had an MRI

on a lump on the outside of my R foot and report came back " cyst, suggestive of

RA " --and I said to myself " I don't have RA!! "

Around that time, I was forced to sell my condo-which at least gave me

something to live on, and something to settle up some debts and I moved to Coos

Bay OR- Aug. 2003, so that move absorbed all my time & energy and I let the

whole health issue slide.

Then in Dec 2003 I started getting horrific pain & weakness in my R wrist-

couldn't lift the covers or " take care of my personal needs " I believe someone

put it, with that hand.

I went to the internist I started with up here and she had me DX'd literally

by feeling my wrist---> swelling, heat, the intense pain.

The tests confirmed it, pos RA, elevated sed rate, so I was immed. started on

a gradually increasing dose of Prednisone, and then, in a month or so,

Methotrexate & Folic Acid. I felt better right away, but unfortunately I'm

single and newly retired (62) and supplement my income with major selling on

ebay....so I'm probably overdoing with my hands & wrists. I have to be online

several times every day to make my ebay business work-not to mention trying to

prepare meals, shop, laundry etc. I've just hired someone to do my yardwork and

to clean every other week. So because of all the computer work and shlepping

things to the post office, I've been having quite a bit of wrist pain and now in

both wrists :-(

My shoulders and feet are affected too==adn I worry worry worry about ending

up in a wheel chair and being so dependent and everything, being single...I

think much of my panic & fear is due to worrying about the unknown and expecting

the worst. I don't know how to live right now. How much to do, how little, what

has to go, what can stay.

I can't count the number of times I told the county doctors in LA that my feet

hurt and felt numb yet stiff and after sticking a pin in them, it was ignored,

since I could feel the pin. I feel rage at that-total rage! No one considered ,

hmm maybe we should look into that.

In any case, I've been terrribly scared & depressed, crying a lot, (oh yeah, I

suffer from recurring depressions, previously well-handled with 8 years of

Paxil).

I am baring all here!

Over the last years: I was fired from a career job of 8 years in 1996, never

really got back on my feet job-wise or financially, got into major debt, my

older brother had a major stroke right after I moved here ---all these health

and financial issues have really contributed to my stress levels and I can see

the RA as a metaphor---eating myself up...I think I am having a major

breakdown---and did I mention I have no insurance?! And I guess I'm un-insurable

by now. or cant pay for it. I have money in the bank which I'm using to buy the

small house I'm now renting, and pay for any & all other things, including MD

visits, RX's etc. I sometimes " like to worry " about what will happen if I have

to be hospitalized. I am pretty sure that the only thing that gets me up in the

morning is my cat whom I dearly love! Yes, feeling soemwaht suicidal but not

seriously ??? I do have a couple good friends here in OR and of course, am

worried about burdening them with all this, (which I have but I still live with

it)---and the depression is probably the worst...I hope I'm not bringing any of

you down with this...some ego huh?!

Last but not least, I love to crochet and do XS and I feel I can't do these

either because of my computer work--it's breaking my heart too...well, how about

a pity party for Father's Day???

I'm sorry to introduce myself this way--am having a horrible day despite

having read some and worked a bit on my ebay. Still in my jammies at 3:45 PM and

you know what that means! Sometimes it's a relief to be single and not have to

worry about anyone else seeing me this way.

I am trying to pull myself together so I can call my brother for Father's

day....he's *really* having problems, having been a very active,athletic person

and now having to learn to walk and move his L arm again...that's when I start

feeling very very guilty and self-centered...but he's married and she's a nurse.

sorry for the length of this and what might be very tedious for many of you to

read.

Marilyn in Southern Oregon.

------------------

http://cgi6.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewSellersOtherItems & userid=marecrochets

http://stores.ebay.com/Mares-Virtual-Craft-Store

http://www.picturetrail.com/msafier/