Hello, I'm a newbie... Really really REALLY Long, please forgive me

[Guest guest]

I'm a newbie to RA, and to this group too.

I've been lurking on this group for a week or two, trying to decide whether to

stay or go! Go because I came in right when the 'blindness from Embrol' post

came and I started getting really freaked out by reading about all the side

effects and all the stories of pain & misery (which I cna totally relate to).

Having such a bad (mental) day, I thought I might introduce myself now-maybe not

the best idea, but there you are.

I had been having many joint problems (shoulder, knee, feet, wrists) for a year

or two but my primary health focus (in California, via the public health charity

system, since I wasn't then working, nor am I now)was getting a torn meniscus in

my right knee repaired. That was finally done and my knee improved but there was

that pesky, " complicated by arthritis " report. Then I had an MRI on a lump on

the outside of my R foot and report came back " cyst, suggestive of RA " --and I

said to myself " I don't have RA!! "

Around that time, I was forced to sell my condo-which at least gave me something

to live on, and something to settle up some debts and I moved to Coos Bay OR-

Aug. 2003, so that move absorbed all my time & energy and I let the whole health

issue slide.

Then in Dec 2003 I started getting horrific pain & weakness in my R wrist-

couldn't lift the covers or " take care of my personal needs " I believe someone

put it, with that hand.

I went to the internist I started with up here and she had me DX'd literally by

feeling my wrist---> swelling, heat, the intense pain.

The tests confirmed it, pos RA, elevated sed rate, so I was immed. started on a

gradually increasing dose of Prednisone, and then, in a month or so,

Methotrexate & Folic Acid. I felt better right away, but unfortunately I'm

single and newly retired (62) and supplement my income with major selling on

ebay....so I'm probably overdoing with my hands & wrists. I have to be online

several times every day to make my ebay business work-not to mention trying to

prepare meals, shop, laundry etc. I've just hired someone to do my yardwork and

to clean every other week. So because of all the computer work and shlepping

things to the post office, I've been having quite a bit of wrist pain and now in

both wrists :-(

My shoulders and feet are affected too==adn I worry worry worry about ending up

in a wheel chair and being so dependent and everything, being single...I think

much of my panic & fear is due to worrying about the unknown and expecting the

worst. I don't know how to live right now. How much to do, how little, what has

to go, what can stay.

I can't count the number of times I told the county doctors in LA that my feet

hurt and felt numb yet stiff and after sticking a pin in them, it was ignored,

since I could feel the pin. I feel rage at that-total rage! No one considered ,

hmm maybe we should look into that.

In any case, I've been terrribly scared & depressed, crying a lot, (oh yeah, I

suffer from recurring depressions, previously well-handled with 8 years of

Paxil).

I am baring all here!

Over the last years: I was fired from a career job of 8 years in 1996, never

really got back on my feet job-wise or financially, got into major debt, my

older brother had a major stroke right after I moved here ---all these health

and financial issues have really contributed to my stress levels and I can see

the RA as a metaphor---eating myself up...I think I am having a major

breakdown---and did I mention I have no insurance?! And I guess I'm un-insurable

by now. or cant pay for it. I have money in the bank which I'm using to buy the

small house I'm now renting, and pay for any & all other things, including MD

visits, RX's etc. I sometimes " like to worry " about what will happen if I have

to be hospitalized. I am pretty sure that the only thing that gets me up in the

morning is my cat whom I dearly love! Yes, feeling soemwaht suicidal but not

seriously ??? I do have a couple good friends here in OR and of course, am

worried about burdening them with all this, (which I have but I still live with

it)---and the depression is probably the worst...I hope I'm not bringing any of

you down with this...some ego huh?!

Last but not least, I love to crochet and do XS and I feel I can't do these

either because of my computer work--it's breaking my heart too...well, how about

a pity party for Father's Day???

I'm sorry to introduce myself this way--am having a horrible day despite having

read some and worked a bit on my ebay. Still in my jammies at 3:45 PM and you

know what that means! Sometimes it's a relief to be single and not have to worry

about anyone else seeing me this way.

I am trying to pull myself together so I can call my brother for Father's

day....he's *really* having problems, having been a very active,athletic person

and now having to learn to walk and move his L arm again...that's when I start

feeling very very guilty and self-centered...but he's married and she's a nurse.

sorry for the length of this and what might be very tedious for many of you to

read.

Marilyn in Southern Oregon.

------------------

http://cgi6.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewSellersOtherItems & userid=marecrochets

http://stores.ebay.com/Mares-Virtual-Craft-Store

http://www.picturetrail.com/msafier/