Just feeling a bit desperate

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

It's been an exhausting day and I just needed to tell someone, so I came here.

My suspected AS boyfriend and I have periods of harmony and periods of

near-constant fighting, and lately it's been bad rather than good. I'm feeling

desperate and drained. I feel like he has no initiative whatsoever, like he

doesn't care about me, like he doesn't mind if we're complete strangers to one

another.

He's always anxious around me and imagines bad intentions to everything I say

and do. It seems like he always jumps to conclusions and these conclusions are

always bad. Like everything I'm saying always has some underlying criticism. And

of course we end up fighting because he becomes extremely defensive and I'm sure

you know how it goes.

I'm leaving for three weeks on vacation next Sunday and I'll have very little

time to myself. Despite this, he spent the whole weekend playing video games on

his own, and he gave me a hard time both days when I asked him to do something

with me - either keep me company while I was hanging the laundry on the balcony

on a beautiful sunny day, or just come to the store with me to buy a bag of dirt

for my tomato plants. Simple things, really. Just a way to spend some time with

my lover since I won't see him for so long. But nothing will convince him to

drop his f*******g PS3 controller.

Sometimes I get so desperate, I can't leave him for some reason, and he always

makes me feel responsible when I mention breaking up and so somehow I just want

to fix things, but this is getting so draining at certain moments that I picture

vivid images in my head of jumping from my balcony, blowing my brains out,

whatever. There are moment I swear if I had an easy way out I would just end it,

but I know I'm to much of a coward to take my own life. Seems like there's no

way out of my misery.

Sorry if this sounds pathetic or whatever but I'm really drained. Thanks for

reading...

M.

[Guest guest]

I hope your vacation will replenish you. AS or no AS, a person who questions all

your intentions on the one hand, and then completely withdraws on the other,

would be very draining for anyone. Myself, after having gone through two

harrowing years in my young life with an abusive (and often anxious and

paranoid) alcoholic, I would never, ever put up with behavior with that again.

Have you seen a therapist or a trusted person you can talk to one on one about

about your feelings? What you say in your second last paragraph about feeling

like there is no way out of your misery is very concerning, and I feel you need

to tell a third party right now. You need to get some clarity on this, because

this sounds very destructive on a personal level.

best,

Helen

>

> Hi all,

>

> It's been an exhausting day and I just needed to tell someone, so I came here.

My suspected AS boyfriend and I have periods of harmony and periods of

near-constant fighting, and lately it's been bad rather than good. I'm feeling

desperate and drained. I feel like he has no initiative whatsoever, like he

doesn't care about me, like he doesn't mind if we're complete strangers to one

another.

>

> He's always anxious around me and imagines bad intentions to everything I say

and do. It seems like he always jumps to conclusions and these conclusions are

always bad. Like everything I'm saying always has some underlying criticism. And

of course we end up fighting because he becomes extremely defensive and I'm sure

you know how it goes.

>

> I'm leaving for three weeks on vacation next Sunday and I'll have very little

time to myself. Despite this, he spent the whole weekend playing video games on

his own, and he gave me a hard time both days when I asked him to do something

with me - either keep me company while I was hanging the laundry on the balcony

on a beautiful sunny day, or just come to the store with me to buy a bag of dirt

for my tomato plants. Simple things, really. Just a way to spend some time with

my lover since I won't see him for so long. But nothing will convince him to

drop his f*******g PS3 controller.

>

> Sometimes I get so desperate, I can't leave him for some reason, and he always

makes me feel responsible when I mention breaking up and so somehow I just want

to fix things, but this is getting so draining at certain moments that I picture

vivid images in my head of jumping from my balcony, blowing my brains out,

whatever. There are moment I swear if I had an easy way out I would just end it,

but I know I'm to much of a coward to take my own life. Seems like there's no

way out of my misery.

>

> Sorry if this sounds pathetic or whatever but I'm really drained. Thanks for

reading...

>

> M.

>