Re: Intervention Last Night

[Guest guest]

That does sound like a good idea, writing down what you're willing

to put up with and what you are not.

My problem is that my nada has never mentioned BPD, and I know she

is unaware that I know about it. I assume she knows... she was

diagnosed so long ago though, maybe she never thinks about it. I bet

she doesn't realize it.

My problem is also that when I try to stand up and draw a line, even

one as simple as " don't hang up on me, and if you do, you have to be

the one to call me back, " she gets upset and calls me demanding,

twisting things around so that it seems like I'm the crazy one for

daring to set some type of boundary.

I'm still fighting the FOG that it is OK for me to set boundaries

wit her, b/c she makes it seem so wrong of me when I stand up for

even the littlest thing.

I keep hearing the same advice here, which is that I just need to

set the lines, and if she has a problem, that is HER problem. I know

I just need to say " here is the boundary, " and if she respects it,

great, and if not, I'm not playing her game either way.

This group has been so helpful!

Grace

>

> I watch that A & E show " Intervention " and as I was watching it last

> night, I had an " Aha!! " moment. If you've seen it, you know that

> the family members each write out what they're willing to put up

> with from the addict.

>

> The intervention is meant to force the addict into treatment by

> telling him/her that they will no longer be a part of their

> destructive behavior. I realize that the BPD (or other

personality

> disorder) is difficult to treat precisely because it's hard

> to " force " them into treatment, but I still saw some useful tools

> being used by the victims of the addict.

>

> By writing down what we are willing to put up with and what we're

> NOT willing to put up with, we can organize our thoughts (both for

> us and for the BPD) into a sort of mission statment -- regardless

of

> whether the BPD enters treatment or not.

>

> The addicts in the show just absolutely torture their loved ones

> with their destructive behavior. The first step to helping the

> addict is to extract yourself from their madness. Whether they

> decide to seek (and continue) a healthier life is then left up to

> them. You are allowed to go on and life your own healthy life,

free

> of the addicts attempts to intrude. I realized you could just

> substitute " BPD " for " addict " . There are so many parallels, it's

> amazing.

>

> By rushing in and shoving our own lives aside to rescue or walk on

> eggshells with the BPD, we're just as bad as the heroin addict's

mom

> who keeps slipping him money and giving him free room and board.

> They'll never get better without a heaping dose of reality.

>

> I think it was a combination of Laurel's brilliant list that was

> posted here, and then seeing that show last night that

demonstrated

> how healthy it is to get your life back and make your " Declaration

> of Independence " to the BPDs in your life.

>

[Guest guest]

So true -- I'm enduring the same dread of the consequences of

asserting myself to my FOO.

Also, from all I've read, I think it's not advised that anyone tell

the BPD that we think they have BPD -- tough spot! They just get

enraged.

Unlike alcohol or drug addiction, intervention doesn't seem the way

to go with BPD. We could leave that part out and just declare our

boundaries....

I wish us both luck in setting our boundaries and the flak to

follow -- looks like mine might be gearing up to happen this week.

-Kyla

> >

> > I watch that A & E show " Intervention " and as I was watching it

last

> > night, I had an " Aha!! " moment. If you've seen it, you know

that

> > the family members each write out what they're willing to put up

> > with from the addict.

> >

> > The intervention is meant to force the addict into treatment by

> > telling him/her that they will no longer be a part of their

> > destructive behavior. I realize that the BPD (or other

> personality

> > disorder) is difficult to treat precisely because it's hard

> > to " force " them into treatment, but I still saw some useful

tools

> > being used by the victims of the addict.

> >

> > By writing down what we are willing to put up with and what

we're

> > NOT willing to put up with, we can organize our thoughts (both

for

> > us and for the BPD) into a sort of mission statment --

regardless

> of

> > whether the BPD enters treatment or not.

> >

> > The addicts in the show just absolutely torture their loved ones

> > with their destructive behavior. The first step to helping the

> > addict is to extract yourself from their madness. Whether they

> > decide to seek (and continue) a healthier life is then left up

to

> > them. You are allowed to go on and life your own healthy life,

> free

> > of the addicts attempts to intrude. I realized you could just

> > substitute " BPD " for " addict " . There are so many parallels,

it's

> > amazing.

> >

> > By rushing in and shoving our own lives aside to rescue or walk

on

> > eggshells with the BPD, we're just as bad as the heroin addict's

> mom

> > who keeps slipping him money and giving him free room and

board.

> > They'll never get better without a heaping dose of reality.

> >

> > I think it was a combination of Laurel's brilliant list that was

> > posted here, and then seeing that show last night that

> demonstrated

> > how healthy it is to get your life back and make

your " Declaration

> > of Independence " to the BPDs in your life.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I've definitely found the show Intervention fascinating. Sometimes

it's hard to watch. I think a few of the ppl on that show are BP with

addictions on top. I know my Fada has a drinking problem, and at one

time we considered an Intervention, but I think it fell apart because

drinking wasn't the main problem but no one knew how to address his

real issues at that time.

I don't think it's necessary that you tell the BP about your list of

what you aren't willing to put up with. If you just keep that list as

a reminder to yourself, it can be empowering, and you won't feel

trapped if you slip up now & then.

I also get the feeling on that show that the families have a hard time

sticking to the boundaries they express. So often a parent says " you

will not be allowed to live in my home if you continue this behavior "

and you can tell they wouldn't act on that " threat. " If you want the

boundary lines to be effective, you have to be willing to enforce

them. Inconsistency can be a downfall after you've drawn the lines,

so before you say to someone " this is the line " perhaps you can

practice enforcing it.

>

> I watch that A & E show " Intervention " and as I was watching it last

> night, I had an " Aha!! " moment. If you've seen it, you know that

> the family members each write out what they're willing to put up

> with from the addict.

>

> The intervention is meant to force the addict into treatment by

> telling him/her that they will no longer be a part of their

> destructive behavior. I realize that the BPD (or other personality

> disorder) is difficult to treat precisely because it's hard

> to " force " them into treatment, but I still saw some useful tools

> being used by the victims of the addict.

>

> By writing down what we are willing to put up with and what we're

> NOT willing to put up with, we can organize our thoughts (both for

> us and for the BPD) into a sort of mission statment -- regardless of

> whether the BPD enters treatment or not.

>

> The addicts in the show just absolutely torture their loved ones

> with their destructive behavior. The first step to helping the

> addict is to extract yourself from their madness. Whether they

> decide to seek (and continue) a healthier life is then left up to

> them. You are allowed to go on and life your own healthy life, free

> of the addicts attempts to intrude. I realized you could just

> substitute " BPD " for " addict " . There are so many parallels, it's

> amazing.

>

> By rushing in and shoving our own lives aside to rescue or walk on

> eggshells with the BPD, we're just as bad as the heroin addict's mom

> who keeps slipping him money and giving him free room and board.

> They'll never get better without a heaping dose of reality.

>

> I think it was a combination of Laurel's brilliant list that was

> posted here, and then seeing that show last night that demonstrated

> how healthy it is to get your life back and make your " Declaration

> of Independence " to the BPDs in your life.

>

[Guest guest]

I've thought the same thing about some of the family members failing

to let the addict feel the full consequences that they outlined in

the intervention. It's very frustrating to see it.

There's alcoholism and addiction in my family history, too. Makes

sense that these people have no control over their emotions, so they

drink or drug to blunt the force. There's a pervading sense of

fearfulness over all the " --holics " in my family. Fear is big in

our history.

You're right -- keeping that list of what you expect from the

relationship and letting it guide you will send a strong message to

the BPD. They'll know something's up. The actions, not the words,

will make the announcement loud and clear. Good point about

avoiding the " trap " by being too specific.....

I remember that intervention on Dr. Phil -- remember the addict

? They did the follow up show and it turns out the mom was

the weak link. She eventually just ran from the situation -- took a

rehab nurse job in Aruba. Totally abandoned her husband and two

remaining children. Dr. Phil asked her if she thought that might

have been ill-timed, considering her family was trying to recover

from a crisis intervention. She got pissed off -- turned it around

to be a feminist issue -- as if Dr. Phil " didn't support a woman's

right to work " ....She totally refused to get it.

-Kyla

> >

> > I watch that A & E show " Intervention " and as I was watching it

last

> > night, I had an " Aha!! " moment. If you've seen it, you know

that

> > the family members each write out what they're willing to put up

> > with from the addict.

> >

> > The intervention is meant to force the addict into treatment by

> > telling him/her that they will no longer be a part of their

> > destructive behavior. I realize that the BPD (or other

personality

> > disorder) is difficult to treat precisely because it's hard

> > to " force " them into treatment, but I still saw some useful

tools

> > being used by the victims of the addict.

> >

> > By writing down what we are willing to put up with and what

we're

> > NOT willing to put up with, we can organize our thoughts (both

for

> > us and for the BPD) into a sort of mission statment --

regardless of

> > whether the BPD enters treatment or not.

> >

> > The addicts in the show just absolutely torture their loved ones

> > with their destructive behavior. The first step to helping the

> > addict is to extract yourself from their madness. Whether they

> > decide to seek (and continue) a healthier life is then left up

to

> > them. You are allowed to go on and life your own healthy life,

free

> > of the addicts attempts to intrude. I realized you could just

> > substitute " BPD " for " addict " . There are so many parallels,

it's

> > amazing.

> >

> > By rushing in and shoving our own lives aside to rescue or walk

on

> > eggshells with the BPD, we're just as bad as the heroin addict's

mom

> > who keeps slipping him money and giving him free room and

board.

> > They'll never get better without a heaping dose of reality.

> >

> > I think it was a combination of Laurel's brilliant list that was

> > posted here, and then seeing that show last night that

demonstrated

> > how healthy it is to get your life back and make

your " Declaration

> > of Independence " to the BPDs in your life.

> >

>