Re: Family Support - Or Lack Thereof my mom

[Guest guest]

My mom used to tell me this thing- you are only as sick as you can afford to be.

She was 15 when I was born, her parents were already passed away- my dad was

psychotic and she had to flee in th enite with me and my bro. My mom WAS

strong, and I have no doubt she did work thru a lot of various illnesses etc

while she was trying to raise us. (well till she locked me out when I was 12)

I think my mom burned out, she then married a man with money. she never worked

again, and from then on she had vague ailments. In the back of my head, I think

this just reinforced her words of you are only as sick as you can afford to be.

When my husband became ill, it tainted my actions. It was awfyl such a horrid

thing to think. Then I got sick. Oh I was able to push thru for awhile, but I

finally opened my eyes more. I was looking at my 2 disabled kids one day while

I was trying to calm my ill husband and fighting off the RA pain so I could race

off to my 2nd nursing job of the day- another 8 hour shift....and I thought

YIKES MY kids cannot afford to be sick, but they ARE. My husband has not worked

in years- but he is still sick. What kind of nonsense was my mom feeding me? I

had been telling myself I was not " really " sick - that maybe I was just having

these symptoms in my mind. Maybe I was too lazy to work..... I really thought

so little of myself.

My siblings do still think I am not really sick, it is just a ploy for sympathy

and so I do not have to have a job....nevermind I continued to work for a long

time after I got sick.

It has now been 3 years since my family will speak to me cuz they commented that

my husband must be w imp to have combat PTSD and Agent Orange cancers, and my

daughter just needs a firmer hand, she is not really ill (she has bipolar

disorder) and my son, well, we created his illness when my RA-Lupus and husbands

illness and daughters illness did not make people come help us with anything.

(my son has heterotopia, cerebal palsy and seizures) UG. It hurts to not have

family, (my husband was an only child of only children, his family has all been

gone over 10 years) BUT my family was just too nasty, too toxic, too harmful.

And well, they refuse to see us. Cuz..... according to their latest, we are

" white trash " and embarrass them.

So, technically, there is no family for me to have any contest with over who is

sickest. Their loss. Yeah, we have these illnesses, but- hey I do things, my

kids do things, my husband does....onward!!!! Matter of fact I have to leave now

to go 6 hours south to pick up one of my daughters who is at an Operation

SNowball Leadership conference... and then I have to race back home cuz I now

volunteer at our veterans hospital. :-) And then it is my turn to go sit with

my fiend with melanoma. I am finally realizing I am NOT white trash.

- In , " " <dumbblondejogger@y...> wrote:

> This has been a wonderful thread to read. What amazes me is how many

> of us feel the same way and get the same responses from the people

> around us. My family isn't into the my-pain-is-worse-than-your-pain

> battles. We're actually kind of the opposite. No one in my family

> that I've ever heard of had RA, or any autoimmune disease, or any

> real illness that I know of. They all tend (especially the women) to

> be almost freakishly healthy until the one day they don't wake up in

> the morning when they're 90 or something. So from my family,

> especially my mom, I get this Total Denial. My mom's always

> saying, " Well, maybe that's not really what it is. " Or " maybe it

> will just go away. " I know it's just difficult for her to face, but

> sometimes it does hurt feeling like my problems are being minimized.

> On the other hand, I think of all the times when my mom has told me

> about her back aches or whatever (she's basically healthy, but has

> normal age-related aches and pains) and I've just sort of sent my

> mind somewhere else. Makes me feel really guilty.

>

> I read the sweet note that Jennie wrote about her mom. Like I said,

> my mom didn't have health problems, but my dad was killed in an

> accident when she was 30, leaving her with 3 kids under the age of 5

> and no job. There were times when I was growing up when I thought

> she was kind of weak or indecisive, but now I realize how tough she

> actually was to get us all raised with so little help and so few

> complaints. This disease, I've found, has really changed my

> perspective on a LOT of things.

>

>

>

>

> , " kalylyn " <bj19662001@y...> wrote:

> > Wow Kim, do I ever know where you're coming from. I'm just

> recently

> > diagnosed with RA-in March of this year and I find the worst thing

> is

> > getting my mom to listen-just to listen-without telling me instead

> of

> > her latest ache and pain. It's frustrating because sometimes it's

> > helpful just to be able to talk, to get it out. I find most of the

> > time that I also just suck it up and stay quiet. And you know what

> > somebody always has some kind of opinion on something they usually

> > know nothing about. I've gotten to the point now where I let it

> > slide although sometimes it does still frost me. I hope your

> surgery

> > goes well-and you're right, your pain or your surgery shouldn't be

> > discounted. They are probably doing that because they are upset

> that

> > it isn't them to get the attention. When I found out I had RA, my

> > mom had to do one better by having back surgery. It's just the way

> > they are I've found. I had my gall bladder out years ago now and I

> > didn't have excrutiating pain either-I was only very sick to my

> > stomach. Good luck with the op. Darlene.

> >

> >

> > > Hi everyone,

> > > I'm Kim from SC- don't post much but read alot and something just

> > hit

> > > me today that is really bugging me and I wanted to ask if any of

> > you

> > > have experienced the same and how you handled it.

> > > I come from a long line of hypochondriacs. No one has ever had

> any

> > > sickness or disease, or experienced any pain worse than the women

> > in

> > > my family. Blah, blah, blah...

> > > As a result, I've learned to suck up my pain, work through it and

> > get

> > > on with my life. God forbid if I'm feeling too tired or achy to

> > carry

> > > the load for everyone. No one will listen, as they're too busy

> > > moaning about how sick they are.

> > > Well, I'm scheduled to have my gall bladder out next Tuesday and

> > > according to one member of my family - I don't really need to

> have

> > > surgery. I haven't had the crippling pain that she had when she

> had

> > > gall stones. Just because I can't go to bed for a week and cry

> and

> > > whine to everyone about how bad I feel - my pain isn't real. I'm

> > > sorry but I've had RA for 21 years and I've learned to develop a

> > high

> > > tolerance for pain and a low tolerance for complaining!!

> > > Do you think I'm being over-sensitive or do I have a valid gripe?

> > How

> > > do you try to explain to your loved ones that it's not fair to

> > > discount someone else's pain just because you've never felt that

> > way?

> > >

> > > And while I'm at it - how about people that try to give you

> > > unsolicited advice as to how you can cure your arthritis?

> > > Oh that really frosts my britches. You know the type - " If you

> > > wouldn't drink so much caffiene, eat red meat, pop your knuckles

> > when

> > > you were young, do some exercise, watch so much television, etc.

> > you

> > > wouldn't have arthritis. " Like it was my choice to have this

> awful

> > > disease. If you've ever received any of these comments, do you

> > > respond nicely or let them have it with both barrels?

> > >

> > > Thanks for listening.

> > > I feel much better now.

> > >

> > > Kim

[Guest guest]

Just because we are all born into a family doesn't mean we have to be or act

like them. My spiritual beliefs have changed drastically over the years. I

was raised Catholic but now have what I have suddenly realized are a combination

of Indian Spiritual beliefs and Buddhist beliefs. I believe in reincarnation

in the sense that our spirits have been on the earthly plane many times. We

have chosen our lives to learn lessons before we can move on. We have chosen

our families for what we need to learn this time around. If you continue to

repeat your mistakes and not learn from them, you will continue to repeat them

over and over again. Sometimes I wonder if I really chose this life! But, my

mother is not one I would have ever chosen. I love her out of respect but do

not like her and never have. My father on the other hand was a dear person and

I wonder to this day why he married her. I believe it was because he married

her on the rebound (his first wife died within 6 months of their marriage of a

burst appendix) in the early 1940's and my mother was there at work and always

knew him. I think she was there and convenient and he married her. Back then

people tended to stay married because that is how society was, stick together no

matter what. I had some aunts and uncles that did the same thing, hated each

other, but never divorced. I was a late in life baby and an only child. I

really think my father stuck around for me and for the fact that it was taboo in

a big Italian/Hungarian family to get divorced. He worked two jobs, night and

day, and owned a business also. He was never home except for on Monday nights,

that was his night off, and my mother would bowl on that night and we spent

Monday nights together. I would have chosen him and deeply adored him. So much

for my rambling again. I didn't mean to push off my spiritual beliefs on anyone

but in the past several years these beliefs have helped me cope in ways that I

could probably before. With my Catholic upbringing I would probably think I was

paying for my sins, whatever those may be. The guilt thing that I was brought

up with. Sorry, I don't mean to offend anyone of any religion or beliefs, just

wanted to pass them along. If they help someone, that's great. If nothing else

you can think I'm a nut case!

Becky

[ ] Re: Family Support - Or Lack Thereof my mom

My mom used to tell me this thing- you are only as sick as you can afford to

be. She was 15 when I was born, her parents were already passed away- my dad

was psychotic and she had to flee in th enite with me and my bro. My mom WAS

strong, and I have no doubt she did work thru a lot of various illnesses etc

while she was trying to raise us. (well till she locked me out when I was 12)

I think my mom burned out, she then married a man with money. she never worked

again, and from then on she had vague ailments. In the back of my head, I think

this just reinforced her words of you are only as sick as you can afford to be.

When my husband became ill, it tainted my actions. It was awfyl such a horrid

thing to think. Then I got sick. Oh I was able to push thru for awhile, but I

finally opened my eyes more. I was looking at my 2 disabled kids one day while

I was trying to calm my ill husband and fighting off the RA pain so I could race

off to my 2nd nursing job of the day- another 8 hour shift....and I thought

YIKES MY kids cannot afford to be sick, but they ARE. My husband has not worked

in years- but he is still sick. What kind of nonsense was my mom feeding me? I

had been telling myself I was not " really " sick - that maybe I was just having

these symptoms in my mind. Maybe I was too lazy to work..... I really thought

so little of myself.

My siblings do still think I am not really sick, it is just a ploy for

sympathy and so I do not have to have a job....nevermind I continued to work for

a long time after I got sick.

It has now been 3 years since my family will speak to me cuz they commented

that my husband must be w imp to have combat PTSD and Agent Orange cancers, and

my daughter just needs a firmer hand, she is not really ill (she has bipolar

disorder) and my son, well, we created his illness when my RA-Lupus and husbands

illness and daughters illness did not make people come help us with anything.

(my son has heterotopia, cerebal palsy and seizures) UG. It hurts to not have

family, (my husband was an only child of only children, his family has all been

gone over 10 years) BUT my family was just too nasty, too toxic, too harmful.

And well, they refuse to see us. Cuz..... according to their latest, we are

" white trash " and embarrass them.

So, technically, there is no family for me to have any contest with over who

is sickest. Their loss. Yeah, we have these illnesses, but- hey I do things,

my kids do things, my husband does....onward!!!! Matter of fact I have to leave

now to go 6 hours south to pick up one of my daughters who is at an Operation

SNowball Leadership conference... and then I have to race back home cuz I now

volunteer at our veterans hospital. :-) And then it is my turn to go sit with

my fiend with melanoma. I am finally realizing I am NOT white trash.

- In , " " <dumbblondejogger@y...> wrote:

> This has been a wonderful thread to read. What amazes me is how many

> of us feel the same way and get the same responses from the people

> around us. My family isn't into the my-pain-is-worse-than-your-pain

> battles. We're actually kind of the opposite. No one in my family

> that I've ever heard of had RA, or any autoimmune disease, or any

> real illness that I know of. They all tend (especially the women) to

> be almost freakishly healthy until the one day they don't wake up in

> the morning when they're 90 or something. So from my family,

> especially my mom, I get this Total Denial. My mom's always

> saying, " Well, maybe that's not really what it is. " Or " maybe it

> will just go away. " I know it's just difficult for her to face, but

> sometimes it does hurt feeling like my problems are being minimized.

> On the other hand, I think of all the times when my mom has told me

> about her back aches or whatever (she's basically healthy, but has

> normal age-related aches and pains) and I've just sort of sent my

> mind somewhere else. Makes me feel really guilty.

>

> I read the sweet note that Jennie wrote about her mom. Like I said,

> my mom didn't have health problems, but my dad was killed in an

> accident when she was 30, leaving her with 3 kids under the age of 5

> and no job. There were times when I was growing up when I thought

> she was kind of weak or indecisive, but now I realize how tough she

> actually was to get us all raised with so little help and so few

> complaints. This disease, I've found, has really changed my

> perspective on a LOT of things.

>

>

>

>

> , " kalylyn " <bj19662001@y...> wrote:

> > Wow Kim, do I ever know where you're coming from. I'm just

> recently

> > diagnosed with RA-in March of this year and I find the worst thing

> is

> > getting my mom to listen-just to listen-without telling me instead

> of

> > her latest ache and pain. It's frustrating because sometimes it's

> > helpful just to be able to talk, to get it out. I find most of the

> > time that I also just suck it up and stay quiet. And you know what

> > somebody always has some kind of opinion on something they usually

> > know nothing about. I've gotten to the point now where I let it

> > slide although sometimes it does still frost me. I hope your

> surgery

> > goes well-and you're right, your pain or your surgery shouldn't be

> > discounted. They are probably doing that because they are upset

> that

> > it isn't them to get the attention. When I found out I had RA, my

> > mom had to do one better by having back surgery. It's just the way

> > they are I've found. I had my gall bladder out years ago now and I

> > didn't have excrutiating pain either-I was only very sick to my

> > stomach. Good luck with the op. Darlene.

> >

> >

> > > Hi everyone,

> > > I'm Kim from SC- don't post much but read alot and something just

> > hit

> > > me today that is really bugging me and I wanted to ask if any of

> > you

> > > have experienced the same and how you handled it.

> > > I come from a long line of hypochondriacs. No one has ever had

> any

> > > sickness or disease, or experienced any pain worse than the women

> > in

> > > my family. Blah, blah, blah...

> > > As a result, I've learned to suck up my pain, work through it and

> > get

> > > on with my life. God forbid if I'm feeling too tired or achy to

> > carry

> > > the load for everyone. No one will listen, as they're too busy

> > > moaning about how sick they are.

> > > Well, I'm scheduled to have my gall bladder out next Tuesday and

> > > according to one member of my family - I don't really need to

> have

> > > surgery. I haven't had the crippling pain that she had when she

> had

> > > gall stones. Just because I can't go to bed for a week and cry

> and

> > > whine to everyone about how bad I feel - my pain isn't real. I'm

> > > sorry but I've had RA for 21 years and I've learned to develop a

> > high

> > > tolerance for pain and a low tolerance for complaining!!

> > > Do you think I'm being over-sensitive or do I have a valid gripe?

> > How

> > > do you try to explain to your loved ones that it's not fair to

> > > discount someone else's pain just because you've never felt that

> > way?

> > >

> > > And while I'm at it - how about people that try to give you

> > > unsolicited advice as to how you can cure your arthritis?

> > > Oh that really frosts my britches. You know the type - " If you

> > > wouldn't drink so much caffiene, eat red meat, pop your knuckles

> > when

> > > you were young, do some exercise, watch so much television, etc.

> > you

> > > wouldn't have arthritis. " Like it was my choice to have this

> awful

> > > disease. If you've ever received any of these comments, do you

> > > respond nicely or let them have it with both barrels?

> > >

> > > Thanks for listening.

> > > I feel much better now.

> > >

> > > Kim

[Guest guest]

-I do not think you are a nut case, not at all.

Yes, I am working hard to break away from my mother, LOL, 45 years

old and finally am trying to just be me. Oh well. I am very

different from my mother, I think this is good. :-) How we continue

to learn and grow all our life. What a wonderful thing! I love

learning from my patients.

-- In , <natesmom4@m...> wrote:

> Just because we are all born into a family doesn't mean we have to

be or act like them. My spiritual beliefs have changed drastically

over the years. I was raised Catholic but now have what I have

suddenly realized are a combination of Indian Spiritual beliefs and

Buddhist beliefs. I believe in reincarnation in the sense that our

spirits have been on the earthly plane many times. We have chosen

our lives to learn lessons before we can move on. We have chosen our

families for what we need to learn this time around. If you continue

to repeat your mistakes and not learn from them, you will continue to

repeat them over and over again. Sometimes I wonder if I really

chose this life! But, my mother is not one I would have ever

chosen. I love her out of respect but do not like her and never

have. My father on the other hand was a dear person and I wonder to

this day why he married her. I believe it was because he married her

on the rebound (his first wife died within 6 months of their marriage

of a burst appendix) in the early 1940's and my mother was there at

work and always knew him. I think she was there and convenient and

he married her. Back then people tended to stay married because that

is how society was, stick together no matter what. I had some aunts

and uncles that did the same thing, hated each other, but never

divorced. I was a late in life baby and an only child. I really

think my father stuck around for me and for the fact that it was

taboo in a big Italian/Hungarian family to get divorced. He worked

two jobs, night and day, and owned a business also. He was never

home except for on Monday nights, that was his night off, and my

mother would bowl on that night and we spent Monday nights together.

I would have chosen him and deeply adored him. So much for my

rambling again. I didn't mean to push off my spiritual beliefs on

anyone but in the past several years these beliefs have helped me

cope in ways that I could probably before. With my Catholic

upbringing I would probably think I was paying for my sins, whatever

those may be. The guilt thing that I was brought up with. Sorry, I

don't mean to offend anyone of any religion or beliefs, just wanted

to pass them along. If they help someone, that's great. If nothing

else you can think I'm a nut case!

>

> Becky

> [ ] Re: Family Support - Or Lack Thereof my mom

>

>

> My mom used to tell me this thing- you are only as sick as you

can afford to be. She was 15 when I was born, her parents were

already passed away- my dad was psychotic and she had to flee in th

enite with me and my bro. My mom WAS strong, and I have no doubt she

did work thru a lot of various illnesses etc while she was trying to

raise us. (well till she locked me out when I was 12) I think my

mom burned out, she then married a man with money. she never worked

again, and from then on she had vague ailments. In the back of my

head, I think this just reinforced her words of you are only as sick

as you can afford to be. When my husband became ill, it tainted my

actions. It was awfyl such a horrid thing to think. Then I got

sick. Oh I was able to push thru for awhile, but I finally opened my

eyes more. I was looking at my 2 disabled kids one day while I was

trying to calm my ill husband and fighting off the RA pain so I could

race off to my 2nd nursing job of the day- another 8 hour

shift....and I thought YIKES MY kids cannot afford to be sick, but

they ARE. My husband has not worked in years- but he is still sick.

What kind of nonsense was my mom feeding me? I had been telling

myself I was not " really " sick - that maybe I was just having these

symptoms in my mind. Maybe I was too lazy to work..... I really

thought so little of myself.

> My siblings do still think I am not really sick, it is just a

ploy for sympathy and so I do not have to have a job....nevermind I

continued to work for a long time after I got sick.

> It has now been 3 years since my family will speak to me cuz they

commented that my husband must be w imp to have combat PTSD and Agent

Orange cancers, and my daughter just needs a firmer hand, she is not

really ill (she has bipolar disorder) and my son, well, we created

his illness when my RA-Lupus and husbands illness and daughters

illness did not make people come help us with anything. (my son has

heterotopia, cerebal palsy and seizures) UG. It hurts to not have

family, (my husband was an only child of only children, his family

has all been gone over 10 years) BUT my family was just too nasty,

too toxic, too harmful. And well, they refuse to see us. Cuz.....

according to their latest, we are " white trash " and embarrass them.

> So, technically, there is no family for me to have any contest

with over who is sickest. Their loss. Yeah, we have these

illnesses, but- hey I do things, my kids do things, my husband

does....onward!!!! Matter of fact I have to leave now to go 6 hours

south to pick up one of my daughters who is at an Operation SNowball

Leadership conference... and then I have to race back home cuz I now

volunteer at our veterans hospital. :-) And then it is my turn to go

sit with my fiend with melanoma. I am finally realizing I am NOT

white trash.

>

>

>

> - In , " " <dumbblondejogger@y...>

wrote:

> > This has been a wonderful thread to read. What amazes me is

how many

> > of us feel the same way and get the same responses from the

people

> > around us. My family isn't into the my-pain-is-worse-than-your-

pain

> > battles. We're actually kind of the opposite. No one in my

family

> > that I've ever heard of had RA, or any autoimmune disease, or

any

> > real illness that I know of. They all tend (especially the

women) to

> > be almost freakishly healthy until the one day they don't wake

up in

> > the morning when they're 90 or something. So from my family,

> > especially my mom, I get this Total Denial. My mom's always

> > saying, " Well, maybe that's not really what it is. " Or " maybe

it

> > will just go away. " I know it's just difficult for her to

face, but

> > sometimes it does hurt feeling like my problems are being

minimized.

> > On the other hand, I think of all the times when my mom has

told me

> > about her back aches or whatever (she's basically healthy, but

has

> > normal age-related aches and pains) and I've just sort of sent

my

> > mind somewhere else. Makes me feel really guilty.

> >

> > I read the sweet note that Jennie wrote about her mom. Like I

said,

> > my mom didn't have health problems, but my dad was killed in an

> > accident when she was 30, leaving her with 3 kids under the age

of 5

> > and no job. There were times when I was growing up when I

thought

> > she was kind of weak or indecisive, but now I realize how tough

she

> > actually was to get us all raised with so little help and so

few

> > complaints. This disease, I've found, has really changed my

> > perspective on a LOT of things.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > , " kalylyn " <bj19662001@y...> wrote:

> > > Wow Kim, do I ever know where you're coming from. I'm just

> > recently

> > > diagnosed with RA-in March of this year and I find the worst

thing

> > is

> > > getting my mom to listen-just to listen-without telling me

instead

> > of

> > > her latest ache and pain. It's frustrating because sometimes

it's

> > > helpful just to be able to talk, to get it out. I find most

of the

> > > time that I also just suck it up and stay quiet. And you

know what

> > > somebody always has some kind of opinion on something they

usually

> > > know nothing about. I've gotten to the point now where I let

it

> > > slide although sometimes it does still frost me. I hope your

> > surgery

> > > goes well-and you're right, your pain or your surgery

shouldn't be

> > > discounted. They are probably doing that because they are

upset

> > that

> > > it isn't them to get the attention. When I found out I had

RA, my

> > > mom had to do one better by having back surgery. It's just

the way

> > > they are I've found. I had my gall bladder out years ago now

and I

> > > didn't have excrutiating pain either-I was only very sick to

my

> > > stomach. Good luck with the op. Darlene.

> > >

> > > --- In , " Kim " <mystic_eyes13@h...>

wrote:

> > > > Hi everyone,

> > > > I'm Kim from SC- don't post much but read alot and

something just

> > > hit

> > > > me today that is really bugging me and I wanted to ask if

any of

> > > you

> > > > have experienced the same and how you handled it.

> > > > I come from a long line of hypochondriacs. No one has ever

had

> > any

> > > > sickness or disease, or experienced any pain worse than the

women

> > > in

> > > > my family. Blah, blah, blah...

> > > > As a result, I've learned to suck up my pain, work through

it and

> > > get

> > > > on with my life. God forbid if I'm feeling too tired or

achy to

> > > carry

> > > > the load for everyone. No one will listen, as they're too

busy

> > > > moaning about how sick they are.

> > > > Well, I'm scheduled to have my gall bladder out next

Tuesday and

> > > > according to one member of my family - I don't really need

to

> > have

> > > > surgery. I haven't had the crippling pain that she had when

she

> > had

> > > > gall stones. Just because I can't go to bed for a week and

cry

> > and

> > > > whine to everyone about how bad I feel - my pain isn't

real. I'm

> > > > sorry but I've had RA for 21 years and I've learned to

develop a

> > > high

> > > > tolerance for pain and a low tolerance for complaining!!

> > > > Do you think I'm being over-sensitive or do I have a valid

gripe?

> > > How

> > > > do you try to explain to your loved ones that it's not fair

to

> > > > discount someone else's pain just because you've never felt

that

> > > way?

> > > >

> > > > And while I'm at it - how about people that try to give you

> > > > unsolicited advice as to how you can cure your arthritis?

> > > > Oh that really frosts my britches. You know the type - " If

you

> > > > wouldn't drink so much caffiene, eat red meat, pop your

knuckles

> > > when

> > > > you were young, do some exercise, watch so much television,

etc.

> > > you

> > > > wouldn't have arthritis. " Like it was my choice to have

this

> > awful

> > > > disease. If you've ever received any of these comments, do

you

> > > > respond nicely or let them have it with both barrels?

> > > >

> > > > Thanks for listening.

> > > > I feel much better now.

> > > >

> > > > Kim

>

>

>

>