Christmas with Louise (ot)

[Guest guest]

Happy Holidays!

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out

who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.

Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace

before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they

say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas

morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung

sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in

search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. I

had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse

yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, " What does this do? You're

kidding me! Who would buy that? " Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll

section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a

passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models.

The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only

seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at

the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of

imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours.

Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with

Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what

remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a

couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and

left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She

would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the

family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas

dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. " What the hell

is that? " she asked.

My brother quickly explained, " It's a doll. "

" Who would play with something like that? " Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

" Where are her clothes? " Granny continued.

" Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran " Jay said, to steer her into the dining

room.

But Granny was relentless. " Why doesn't she have any teeth? "

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one

wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, " Hang on Granny, hang on! "

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and

said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace? "

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not

just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be

Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was

dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my

father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose,

flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran

across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth

resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the

cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot

ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to

perfect health!

~ " We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a

little of each other everywhere. " ~ ~ " If I could reach up and hold a star for

every time you've made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of

my hand. " ~

~ " We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a

little of each other everywhere. " ~ ~ " If I could reach up and hold a star for

every time you've made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of

my hand. " ~