This just in for the residents of Florida or prospective residents. (ot)

[Guest guest]

You all should be aware of hurricane preparations, but in case you need a

refresher course:

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season.

Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to

some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological

points.

1) There is no need to panic.

2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida.

If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to

prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by " the big one. " Based on our

insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple

three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three

days.

STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible

plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start with one of

the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this

insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic

requirements:

1) It is reasonably well-built, and

2) It is located in Wisconsin

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might

actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to

sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU

money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the

first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which

will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your

house. At any moment, this

company can drop you like used dental floss.

SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows and all the doors.

There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're

cheap.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them

all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be

useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will

definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell

your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection:

They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can

be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY:

As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue

grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc... You should, as a

precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a

swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane

winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned

out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's

license; if it says " Florida, " you live in a low-lying area). The purpose of

having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major

storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles

from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus,

you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now!

Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go

to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the

last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following

supplies:

- 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power

goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

- Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach

is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

- A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a

hurricane, but it looks cool.)

- A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who

went through ; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)

- $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a

generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is

vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your

television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the

ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to

stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.

~ " If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you've made me smile, the

entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand. "