Inquiry (Leanna)

[Guest guest]

1. Who angers, frustrates, or confuses you, and why?

My best friend Tricia should stop being so sexual at work.

2. How do you want them to change? What do you want them to do?

I want her to stop making everything a sexual innuendo and making herself

look trashy.

3. What is it that they should or shouldn’t do, be, think or feel? What

advice could you offer?

She needs to stop flirting with EVERYONE, including me. She needs to stop

cheating on her husband.

4. What do they need to do in order for you to be happy?

She needs to stop telling me when her and her lover have sex. She needs to

stop running from all her problems.

5. What do you think of them? Make a list.

I have lost all respect for her. I don’t want to be around her or talk to

her. She is selfish, insecure, fake.

6. What is it that you don’t want to experience with that person again?

I don’t ever want her to flirt with me again. I don’t want to hear about how

bad her life is. I don’t ever want her to bring up my past mistakes again!!

So………this is as far as I get. Where do I go with this from here?

Thanks Leanna

[Guest guest]

Hi Leanna,

Nice work - what you can do next, if it feels right, is take some or

all of these statements through the work (the 4 questions and the

turnarounds) - inquire and see what comes up.

If you don't know how to do this, this page gives a good example of

how to do that:

http://thework.com/thework.asp#howto

You've already done the first step.

Find what works for you - some people take every statement through the

4 questions and turnarounds, for me I usually take one or two through

the process fully, by then I'm usually open enough to look at just the

turnarounds for the others.

If you want to share some of your inquiries on here, do that - and you

don't have to.

Jon

[Guest guest]

My best friend Tricia should stop being so sexual at work.

Is this true? Yes

Can I absolutely know it’s true? No

How do I react when I believe the thought is true? I get angry, resentful.

I pull away, get quiet. I hurt her feelings. I beat myself up. I feel

embarrassed. I feel dirty. I feel like a little girl.

Who would I be without that thought? I would be lighter. Happy, smiling, a

bounce in my step. More playful and easy going. I would be more comfortable

with my own sexuality. I would flirt more.

Turn around………..

Tricia should be sexual at work.

I should be more sexual at work.

I should be more sexual with Tricia? This keeps coming into my mind………. Not

sure if it fits.

Are there more turn arounds I’m not seeing?

[Guest guest]

-the TA I should be more sexual doesnt fit for me.

but i cant come up with any myself. sorry maybe someone else

sees other TAS.

TA tricia should continue being sexual at work. becasue she is.

and its her business.

her path.

does the work for a short time with someone on the video.. about

jealousy on someone whose roommate dresses sexy.

if i remember right but i dont know if its on line anywhere.

good luck roslyn

In Loving-what-is , " Leanna " wrote:

>

> My best friend Tricia should stop being so sexual at work.

>

> Is this true? Yes

>

> Can I absolutely know it's true? No

>

> How do I react when I believe the thought is true? I get angry,

resentful.

> I pull away, get quiet. I hurt her feelings. I beat myself up. I feel

> embarrassed. I feel dirty. I feel like a little girl.

>

> Who would I be without that thought? I would be lighter. Happy,

smiling, a

> bounce in my step. More playful and easy going. I would be more

comfortable

> with my own sexuality. I would flirt more.

>

> Turn around………..

>

> Tricia should be sexual at work.

> I should be more sexual at work.

> I should be more sexual with Tricia? This keeps coming into my

mind………. Not

> sure if it fits.

>

> Are there more turn arounds I'm not seeing?

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with Roslyn on the Turnarounds.

Also, I find it useful to stay with the structure of the original

statement, so if it is:

My best friend Tricia should stop being so sexual at work

then TAs could be:

My best friend Tricia should not stop being so sexual at work

I should stop being so sexual at work

(how many times at work do you interpret what Tricia does as sexual?)

And can you find 3 examples of each - for the first one, maybe why it

is better that Tricia continues to be so sexual at work?

Also, I find the term " my best friend " interesting - maybe you have

expectations of what a " best friend " should and shouldn't do

generally, whether it's Tricia or someone else. It could be useful to

uncover those beliefs and inquire into them.

Also, maybe beliefs about what people should and shouldn't do at work

compared to outside of work.

And another one - your definition of " sexual " could be broken down and

inquired into: " Sexual is.... "

Jon

[Guest guest]

I should not be more sexual at work. If it comes to you that Tricia should

not be sexual at work then it is for you to live that way, not her. Same

with being sexual with her. She is your mirror and shows how you think a

life should be lived. So instead of criticizing her, be sure that the person

you are able to control (you) lives life in the manner you deem appropriate.

By the way, just asking, what do you get out of having Tricia as a best

friend? doesn't seem like a good fit from where I am sitting. And at the

moment, after 50 yrs of friendship I am reconsidering my best friend, so I

'm just asking.

Vivian

RE: Re: Inquiry (Leanna)

My best friend Tricia should stop being so sexual at work.

Is this true? Yes

Can I absolutely know it's true? No

How do I react when I believe the thought is true? I get angry, resentful.

I pull away, get quiet. I hurt her feelings. I beat myself up. I feel

embarrassed. I feel dirty. I feel like a little girl.

Who would I be without that thought? I would be lighter. Happy, smiling, a

bounce in my step. More playful and easy going. I would be more comfortable

with my own sexuality. I would flirt more.

Turn around.....

Tricia should be sexual at work.

I should be more sexual at work.

I should be more sexual with Tricia? This keeps coming into my mind.... Not

sure if it fits.

Are there more turn arounds I'm not seeing?

[Guest guest]

We have been friends for 15 years and lately to be honest I haven’t gotten

much out of it but pain. I have been gradually drawing away from her. I

truly long for someone to be close to and spend time with and I know it’s

not her. But in my head I keep blaming all our problems on myself, that I am

the one with all the issues……..I don’t know. I’m very confused!

From: Loving-what-is [mailto:Loving-what-is ]

On Behalf Of Vivian Barning

Sent: Thursday, December 11, 2008 10:13 AM

To: Loving-what-is

Subject: Re: Re: Inquiry (Leanna)

I should not be more sexual at work. If it comes to you that Tricia should

not be sexual at work then it is for you to live that way, not her. Same

with being sexual with her. She is your mirror and shows how you think a

life should be lived. So instead of criticizing her, be sure that the person

you are able to control (you) lives life in the manner you deem appropriate.

By the way, just asking, what do you get out of having Tricia as a best

friend? doesn't seem like a good fit from where I am sitting. And at the

moment, after 50 yrs of friendship I am reconsidering my best friend, so I

'm just asking.

Vivian

[Guest guest]

Hey Leanna,

" I truly long for someone to be close to and spend time with "

That someone is you. As you continue to inquire into the beliefs you

have about others, as well as yourself, you may well find this happens

naturally.

Jon

[Guest guest]

I sympathize with your desire for someone to be close to but you can't make

her into that person and it seems that she isn't, at least not now. From

your description of her, assuming it is fair and accurate as you see it, you

are not the one with all the issues.

I'd continue to pull away.

Vivian

Re: Re: Inquiry (Leanna)

I should not be more sexual at work. If it comes to you that Tricia should

not be sexual at work then it is for you to live that way, not her. Same

with being sexual with her. She is your mirror and shows how you think a

life should be lived. So instead of criticizing her, be sure that the person

you are able to control (you) lives life in the manner you deem appropriate.

By the way, just asking, what do you get out of having Tricia as a best

friend? doesn't seem like a good fit from where I am sitting. And at the

moment, after 50 yrs of friendship I am reconsidering my best friend, so I

'm just asking.

Vivian

[Guest guest]

i dont know whose issues are at work.. but i think

friendships just naturally end over time. and no one

is to blame.. and it isnt a bad thing.. although i do

hate losing friends also.

Maybe it is just time to move on.

Tonight i was suppose to meet two freinds for dinner

one is moving possibly monday so she wont be a friend

anymore anyway

.. The one called me back and said it was

too much of a hassle.. i mentioned gas money.. a big

no no.. especially since now gas is cheap..

And what is weird about it.. i never mention gas money

with anyone else just her because she is always

lecturing me on not spending more.

anyway

becasue i said that they dont want to get together

and she said rather coldly that she would meet her

by taking a bus.. I said fine..

I was feeling sort of bad and thinking i shouldnt of

mentioned the gas .. but maybe i just didnt really

want to go either.. it felt like more of an obligation.

or like i need the friends.. I came home and saw the

friendship with God book.. maybe i will reread it..

AT least then i will have one friend.

i may go meet one of them on friday but that is sort

of iffy.

i can relate to what you both are going thru..

SO interesting its on the same day as you mention it here.

Thanks , minus two friends perhaps roslyn

-- In Loving-what-is , " Vivian Barning "

wrote:

>

> I sympathize with your desire for someone to be close to but you

can't make

> her into that person and it seems that she isn't, at least not now.

From

> your description of her, assuming it is fair and accurate as you see

it, you

> are not the one with all the issues.

>

> I'd continue to pull away.

>

> Vivian

> Re: Re: Inquiry (Leanna)

>

> I should not be more sexual at work. If it comes to you that Tricia

should

> not be sexual at work then it is for you to live that way, not her. Same

> with being sexual with her. She is your mirror and shows how you think a

> life should be lived. So instead of criticizing her, be sure that

the person

>

> you are able to control (you) lives life in the manner you deem

appropriate.

>

> By the way, just asking, what do you get out of having Tricia as a best

> friend? doesn't seem like a good fit from where I am sitting. And at the

> moment, after 50 yrs of friendship I am reconsidering my best

friend, so I

> 'm just asking.

>

> Vivian

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Leanna,

Here's another perspective on friends - if the person truly is a

friend, they will continue to keep showing you what you can't be with,

where you have stressful beliefs, for the sake of your greater freedom

/ happiness.

Of course, they may not consciously realize they are doing this, but

it's no less reason to thank them for it, either silently or for real :-)

For example, I have a friend who often appears to have strong opinions

about many things and he is great for helping me to see where I am

attached to beliefs - and at the time it often drives me crazy as we

fight our respective corners, until I inquire, get out of his business

and see that it is me that is being stubborn, has strong opinions,

etc. He is worth his weight in gold.

Much love,

Jon