Re: would like information (on RA)

[Guest guest]

Ben,

Start by reading about the spoon theory on this site:

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/

It's a tricky thing to understand. Some of it will depend on how

severe her RA is, and how the medications she is on are controlling

it. Even if it's well controlled, she may sometimes have 'flares'

where it's not under control for a while.

There is a balance in helping someone with RA. When you have it, you

often resent the fact you can't do everything you want, or that you

used to be able to do. So if someone helps out too much, you feel

treated like a baby and resent that too. But there are times when

you just can't do something and it needs to be done. Like lifting

heavy things for example, and it's nice to have someone do that for

you when you can't.

They key for you is to understand what her limitations are. If you

know she can't walk long distances, then don't plan outings that

require that. If you know she's having a flare, plan an evening in

instead of an evening out. Offer or attempt to help her out (lifting

things, opening jars) but if she insists she do it herself, let her.

If she's having a tough day, just listen. Be willing to change plans

if her needs/limitations change, and realize that this is as

frustrating to her as it will be to you.

If you have an open mind, I think dating someone with RA is not that

challenging. There are certainly worse diseases one can have. And

there are positives like it making you appreciate it more when you do

feel good and can take a long walk.

Jennie

>

>

> Hello, I recently started dating a wonderfull lady that has RA.

She

> was diagnosed 4 years ago. I would love to learn anything I can

> about what I can do for her to help her out, and to better

understand

> this disease. Do any of you know any books that deal

> with " supporting " a friend with RA? I have read a few of the books

> she has on RA, but they are geared toward people with RA.

>

> Thank you

> Ben Kolar

> If you send an email, please mention RA in the subject line

[Guest guest]

Ben,

Start by reading about the spoon theory on this site:

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/

It's a tricky thing to understand. Some of it will depend on how

severe her RA is, and how the medications she is on are controlling

it. Even if it's well controlled, she may sometimes have 'flares'

where it's not under control for a while.

There is a balance in helping someone with RA. When you have it, you

often resent the fact you can't do everything you want, or that you

used to be able to do. So if someone helps out too much, you feel

treated like a baby and resent that too. But there are times when

you just can't do something and it needs to be done. Like lifting

heavy things for example, and it's nice to have someone do that for

you when you can't.

They key for you is to understand what her limitations are. If you

know she can't walk long distances, then don't plan outings that

require that. If you know she's having a flare, plan an evening in

instead of an evening out. Offer or attempt to help her out (lifting

things, opening jars) but if she insists she do it herself, let her.

If she's having a tough day, just listen. Be willing to change plans

if her needs/limitations change, and realize that this is as

frustrating to her as it will be to you.

If you have an open mind, I think dating someone with RA is not that

challenging. There are certainly worse diseases one can have. And

there are positives like it making you appreciate it more when you do

feel good and can take a long walk.

Jennie

>

>

> Hello, I recently started dating a wonderfull lady that has RA.

She

> was diagnosed 4 years ago. I would love to learn anything I can

> about what I can do for her to help her out, and to better

understand

> this disease. Do any of you know any books that deal

> with " supporting " a friend with RA? I have read a few of the books

> she has on RA, but they are geared toward people with RA.

>

> Thank you

> Ben Kolar

> If you send an email, please mention RA in the subject line

[Guest guest]

I'm glad you thought so. I actually have learned a lot by watching

my parents (mom has RA). My step-dad is always trying to help my

mom, and sometimes she just gets so mad at him for helping too

much. She's not really mad at him, she's mad that she can't do it

for herself. Other times she is thankful for his help. One of the

(many) reasons I got divorced is that my now ex husband needed a lot

of babying. I knew I could manage to take care of myself and my

daughter, but I had no energy (with having RA) to take care of a

grown man that should be taking care of us. I think it's all a

balance and that balance is going to be different for every person or

couple.

Sometimes you appreciate someone else opening that jar for you. And

sometimes you feel better putting the damned jar down and eating

something out of a box. And now that I'm on that subject, does anyone

else notice how *well sealed* the bags are that come inside boxes for

things like crackers and cereal? I guess it must be the RA, but I

swear they were never that well sealed before. I can never get the

open by pulling, I have to use scissors. Of course, I never can find

the scissors...

--- In , Krissy Melton <krisanna80@y...>

wrote:

>

> Jennie,

> That is absolutley a great way to tell someone about someone who

has an invisible disease. I have RA and what you just wrote is so

true! My boyfriend and I struggled at first with my disease b/c he

could not understand that there were some things I could just not do -

and that when he felt he was being nice and trying to help, I felt

that he thought I could not do it and that made me even more

frusturated! That is one thing I tell people, let me ask for the

help, I want to be just as independent as other people! But what a

great way to explain that Jennie!!!

> Krissy

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm glad you thought so. I actually have learned a lot by watching

my parents (mom has RA). My step-dad is always trying to help my

mom, and sometimes she just gets so mad at him for helping too

much. She's not really mad at him, she's mad that she can't do it

for herself. Other times she is thankful for his help. One of the

(many) reasons I got divorced is that my now ex husband needed a lot

of babying. I knew I could manage to take care of myself and my

daughter, but I had no energy (with having RA) to take care of a

grown man that should be taking care of us. I think it's all a

balance and that balance is going to be different for every person or

couple.

Sometimes you appreciate someone else opening that jar for you. And

sometimes you feel better putting the damned jar down and eating

something out of a box. And now that I'm on that subject, does anyone

else notice how *well sealed* the bags are that come inside boxes for

things like crackers and cereal? I guess it must be the RA, but I

swear they were never that well sealed before. I can never get the

open by pulling, I have to use scissors. Of course, I never can find

the scissors...

>

> Jennie,

> That is absolutley a great way to tell someone about someone who

has an invisible disease. I have RA and what you just wrote is so

true! My boyfriend and I struggled at first with my disease b/c he

could not understand that there were some things I could just not do -

and that when he felt he was being nice and trying to help, I felt

that he thought I could not do it and that made me even more

frusturated! That is one thing I tell people, let me ask for the

help, I want to be just as independent as other people! But what a

great way to explain that Jennie!!!

> Krissy

>

>

[Guest guest]

It is nice to have a spouse to be understanding, and helpful. That

doesn't always happen, so be grateful to the spouse who is supportive.

Jennie, I love your attitude, and I do understand fully what you mean

about taking care of yourself. We have to motivate ourselves to get

up, and do what needs to be done. Yes, you are right that grown man

should have been man enough to take care of his family, and be there

for you, but all of us are not so lucky.

There will be someone that will come into your life one day, and will

give you the support and love you deserve, hugs T

> >

> > Jennie,

> > That is absolutley a great way to tell someone about someone who

> has an invisible disease. I have RA and what you just wrote is so

> true! My boyfriend and I struggled at first with my disease b/c he

> could not understand that there were some things I could just not

do -

> and that when he felt he was being nice and trying to help, I felt

> that he thought I could not do it and that made me even more

> frusturated! That is one thing I tell people, let me ask for the

> help, I want to be just as independent as other people! But what a

> great way to explain that Jennie!!!

> > Krissy

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

It is nice to have a spouse to be understanding, and helpful. That

doesn't always happen, so be grateful to the spouse who is supportive.

Jennie, I love your attitude, and I do understand fully what you mean

about taking care of yourself. We have to motivate ourselves to get

up, and do what needs to be done. Yes, you are right that grown man

should have been man enough to take care of his family, and be there

for you, but all of us are not so lucky.

There will be someone that will come into your life one day, and will

give you the support and love you deserve, hugs T

> >

> > Jennie,

> > That is absolutley a great way to tell someone about someone who

> has an invisible disease. I have RA and what you just wrote is so

> true! My boyfriend and I struggled at first with my disease b/c he

> could not understand that there were some things I could just not

do -

> and that when he felt he was being nice and trying to help, I felt

> that he thought I could not do it and that made me even more

> frusturated! That is one thing I tell people, let me ask for the

> help, I want to be just as independent as other people! But what a

> great way to explain that Jennie!!!

> > Krissy

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Thank you Tawny. It's been a year since my ex and I separated and

our divorce was just final in September. I was amazed that the last

year he was able to support himself and things seemed to be going

well for him. But a week ago he got pulled over, and because he

apparently blew off a previous traffic ticket they had suspended his

license and because he had recently been short on money he had let

his insurance lapse... so the police took his car. It took him 2

days to get it back and he missed one evening with our daughter and

one important meeting for work, plus a total of a day and 1/2 of

work. He told me some other things are not going well at work and he

just wants out. But he doesn't have other options, not other jobs in

this area and he's only been there 4 months. And frankly, it sounds

to me like they might be getting ready to fire him.

I cannot tell you how thankful I have been this week that NONE of

that mess is my problem. All I have to worry about is being there

for my daughter in the event he doesn't have a car or loses his job.

And I can easily do that. And take care of myself, which I've done a

pretty good job of since getting RA.

Jennie

>

> It is nice to have a spouse to be understanding, and helpful. That

> doesn't always happen, so be grateful to the spouse who is

supportive.

> Jennie, I love your attitude, and I do understand fully what you

mean

> about taking care of yourself. We have to motivate ourselves to

get

> up, and do what needs to be done. Yes, you are right that grown

man

> should have been man enough to take care of his family, and be

there

> for you, but all of us are not so lucky.

> There will be someone that will come into your life one day, and

will

> give you the support and love you deserve, hugs T

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you Tawny. It's been a year since my ex and I separated and

our divorce was just final in September. I was amazed that the last

year he was able to support himself and things seemed to be going

well for him. But a week ago he got pulled over, and because he

apparently blew off a previous traffic ticket they had suspended his

license and because he had recently been short on money he had let

his insurance lapse... so the police took his car. It took him 2

days to get it back and he missed one evening with our daughter and

one important meeting for work, plus a total of a day and 1/2 of

work. He told me some other things are not going well at work and he

just wants out. But he doesn't have other options, not other jobs in

this area and he's only been there 4 months. And frankly, it sounds

to me like they might be getting ready to fire him.

I cannot tell you how thankful I have been this week that NONE of

that mess is my problem. All I have to worry about is being there

for my daughter in the event he doesn't have a car or loses his job.

And I can easily do that. And take care of myself, which I've done a

pretty good job of since getting RA.

Jennie

>

> It is nice to have a spouse to be understanding, and helpful. That

> doesn't always happen, so be grateful to the spouse who is

supportive.

> Jennie, I love your attitude, and I do understand fully what you

mean

> about taking care of yourself. We have to motivate ourselves to

get

> up, and do what needs to be done. Yes, you are right that grown

man

> should have been man enough to take care of his family, and be

there

> for you, but all of us are not so lucky.

> There will be someone that will come into your life one day, and

will

> give you the support and love you deserve, hugs T

>

>

[Guest guest]

Jennie, I'm glad you are where you are today. No extra stress on

you, and that is a good thing. You just keep going girl!

> >

> > It is nice to have a spouse to be understanding, and helpful.

That

> > doesn't always happen, so be grateful to the spouse who is

> supportive.

> > Jennie, I love your attitude, and I do understand fully what you

> mean

> > about taking care of yourself. We have to motivate ourselves to

> get

> > up, and do what needs to be done. Yes, you are right that grown

> man

> > should have been man enough to take care of his family, and be

> there

> > for you, but all of us are not so lucky.

> > There will be someone that will come into your life one day, and

> will

> > give you the support and love you deserve, hugs T

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Jennie, I'm glad you are where you are today. No extra stress on

you, and that is a good thing. You just keep going girl!

> >

> > It is nice to have a spouse to be understanding, and helpful.

That

> > doesn't always happen, so be grateful to the spouse who is

> supportive.

> > Jennie, I love your attitude, and I do understand fully what you

> mean

> > about taking care of yourself. We have to motivate ourselves to

> get

> > up, and do what needs to be done. Yes, you are right that grown

> man

> > should have been man enough to take care of his family, and be

> there

> > for you, but all of us are not so lucky.

> > There will be someone that will come into your life one day, and

> will

> > give you the support and love you deserve, hugs T

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

<<does anyone

else notice how *well sealed* the bags are that come inside boxes for

things like crackers and cereal? I guess it must be the RA, but I

swear they were never that well sealed before. I can never get the

open by pulling, I have to use scissors. Of course, I never can find

the scissors...>>

Jennie,

I was shaking my head in total agreement with this statement! I often wonder if

my RA has just taken that much of my strength away, or if they are using much

stronger plastics! Sometimes I buy something at the store and want to open and

eat it in the car and can't! I used to have a small pair of scissors attatched

to my keychain for this very reason....hmm...I may need to revisit that idea.

I need to adopt your attitude with life/marriage. My husband has become VERY

needy over the past few years. Some time ago, he was the responsible one and I

thanked God every night I had him as I dealt with my RA. Now, he has become a

compulsive gambler and we have lost everything and struggle to just survive.

The toughest issue is that I only have insurance through him! Stress is a daily

battle for me for sure!

Thanks for sharing some of your story, words of wisdom for sure!

Rita in cincinnati

[Guest guest]

<<does anyone

else notice how *well sealed* the bags are that come inside boxes for

things like crackers and cereal? I guess it must be the RA, but I

swear they were never that well sealed before. I can never get the

open by pulling, I have to use scissors. Of course, I never can find

the scissors...>>

Jennie,

I was shaking my head in total agreement with this statement! I often wonder if

my RA has just taken that much of my strength away, or if they are using much

stronger plastics! Sometimes I buy something at the store and want to open and

eat it in the car and can't! I used to have a small pair of scissors attatched

to my keychain for this very reason....hmm...I may need to revisit that idea.

I need to adopt your attitude with life/marriage. My husband has become VERY

needy over the past few years. Some time ago, he was the responsible one and I

thanked God every night I had him as I dealt with my RA. Now, he has become a

compulsive gambler and we have lost everything and struggle to just survive.

The toughest issue is that I only have insurance through him! Stress is a daily

battle for me for sure!

Thanks for sharing some of your story, words of wisdom for sure!

Rita in cincinnati

[Guest guest]

Rita,

I was thinking about it and I think it's also that the plastic is

thicker. You know how you can get prescription bottles that are not

child proof? Maybe we can complain and get arthritis friendly bags

with easy, tear away seals.

I am so sorry about your situation. I remember looking at my husband

when I knew that the diagnosis was coming, and thinking, I just can't

take care of him anymore. His problem was he didn't want to grow up

and he was dependant on me. But he's also 35 and has a master's

degree and works in his field, so you'd think he could figure out how

to run his own life. Is your husband in therapy and trying to

recover from his addiction? I can't imagine how stressful that

situation must be, I will send some prayers your way.

Jennie

> <<does anyone

> else notice how *well sealed* the bags are that come inside boxes

for

> things like crackers and cereal? I guess it must be the RA, but I

> swear they were never that well sealed before. I can never get the

> open by pulling, I have to use scissors. Of course, I never can

find

> the scissors...>>

>

> Jennie,

>

> I was shaking my head in total agreement with this statement! I

often wonder if my RA has just taken that much of my strength away,

or if they are using much stronger plastics! Sometimes I buy

something at the store and want to open and eat it in the car and

can't! I used to have a small pair of scissors attatched to my

keychain for this very reason....hmm...I may need to revisit that

idea.

>

> I need to adopt your attitude with life/marriage. My husband has

become VERY needy over the past few years. Some time ago, he was the

responsible one and I thanked God every night I had him as I dealt

with my RA. Now, he has become a compulsive gambler and we have lost

everything and struggle to just survive. The toughest issue is that

I only have insurance through him! Stress is a daily battle for me

for sure!

>

> Thanks for sharing some of your story, words of wisdom for sure!

>

> Rita in cincinnati

[Guest guest]

Rita,

I was thinking about it and I think it's also that the plastic is

thicker. You know how you can get prescription bottles that are not

child proof? Maybe we can complain and get arthritis friendly bags

with easy, tear away seals.

I am so sorry about your situation. I remember looking at my husband

when I knew that the diagnosis was coming, and thinking, I just can't

take care of him anymore. His problem was he didn't want to grow up

and he was dependant on me. But he's also 35 and has a master's

degree and works in his field, so you'd think he could figure out how

to run his own life. Is your husband in therapy and trying to

recover from his addiction? I can't imagine how stressful that

situation must be, I will send some prayers your way.

Jennie

> <<does anyone

> else notice how *well sealed* the bags are that come inside boxes

for

> things like crackers and cereal? I guess it must be the RA, but I

> swear they were never that well sealed before. I can never get the

> open by pulling, I have to use scissors. Of course, I never can

find

> the scissors...>>

>

> Jennie,

>

> I was shaking my head in total agreement with this statement! I

often wonder if my RA has just taken that much of my strength away,

or if they are using much stronger plastics! Sometimes I buy

something at the store and want to open and eat it in the car and

can't! I used to have a small pair of scissors attatched to my

keychain for this very reason....hmm...I may need to revisit that

idea.

>

> I need to adopt your attitude with life/marriage. My husband has

become VERY needy over the past few years. Some time ago, he was the

responsible one and I thanked God every night I had him as I dealt

with my RA. Now, he has become a compulsive gambler and we have lost

everything and struggle to just survive. The toughest issue is that

I only have insurance through him! Stress is a daily battle for me

for sure!

>

> Thanks for sharing some of your story, words of wisdom for sure!

>

> Rita in cincinnati

[Guest guest]

I have some little folding scissors that I keep in my purse for bags

such as these, LOL. Sue

And now that I'm on that subject, does anyone

> else notice how *well sealed* the bags are that come inside boxes for

> things like crackers and cereal? I guess it must be the RA, but I

> swear they were never that well sealed before. I can never get the

> open by pulling, I have to use scissors. Of course, I never can find

> the scissors...

[Guest guest]

I have some little folding scissors that I keep in my purse for bags

such as these, LOL. Sue

And now that I'm on that subject, does anyone

> else notice how *well sealed* the bags are that come inside boxes for

> things like crackers and cereal? I guess it must be the RA, but I

> swear they were never that well sealed before. I can never get the

> open by pulling, I have to use scissors. Of course, I never can find

> the scissors...