Re: Question, Request For Assistance

July 16, 2011

Here is where you get to use your imagination, and it can be fun.Â Just be a

little boy again and make wishes like, I wish he'd hug me, I wish he would have

taken me to ball games more, I wish he weren't so moody.Â Go nuts!Â Pretend

you have the power to have whatever you wanted from him and your childhood.Â

Really open up and express all your squashed hopes and dreams, heck, watch an

old Father knows Best rerun and write down all the qualities you wish your dadÂ

had had based on him!

Â

As far as believing it's true, well, you can say yes to no. 2, absolutely know

it's true, that's okay.Â Just notice how you feel when you get all the way

through and get to the turnarounds.Â It will blow your mind!

Â

So cool you have the courage to do this!

Judy B.

To: Loving-what-is

Sent: Monday, July 11, 2011 11:12 PM

Subject: Question, Request For Assistance

Â

Hello All,

Thank you for being there and offering your support. I have just started

reading " Loving What Is " and starting to do the work. Am putting together my

first " Judge my neighbor worksheet " . I am writing out my anger at my father for

the errors (my perception) that he made while I was a child.

The question I have is this: In the book, asks how we would like that

person to change, What should they do or not do, what do I need from them, what

do I not want to experience with them, etc.

The problem I have with all of this is that there is nothing he can do to change

what happened in my childhood. I don't have anything I want to change about

him, it's all far too late for that.

Then.... regarding the 4 Questions. I really do believe what I have accused him

of is true. How can I know it's true? I lived through it. Etc, etc, etc.

I guess I'm just wondering if there is someone out there who can give me some

guidance in this.

I am open to suggestion and truly would like to get beyond these feelings (and

especially how they affect me on a daily basis in real time). Any suggestions?

Thank you...

July 17, 2011

I think if your statement is " My dad hit me " , that is true. But if your

statement/feeling is that your dad should NOT have hit you. You can't

absolutely know it's true. He hit you - that's the reality. You can't argue

with reality. Maybe you wouldn't be who you are today if he hadn't. Maybe he

wouldn't be who he is. Or your mom or sibling or someone. The bottom line is

that we don't know why life runs the course it does...it just does. To argue

with reality is to feel pain. Does that make sense?

Question, Request For Assistance

Hello All,

Thank you for being there and offering your support. I have just started

reading " Loving What Is " and starting to do the work. Am putting together my

first " Judge my neighbor worksheet " . I am writing out my anger at my father for

the errors (my perception) that he made while I was a child.

The question I have is this: In the book, asks how we would like that

person to change, What should they do or not do, what do I need from them, what

do I not want to experience with them, etc.

The problem I have with all of this is that there is nothing he can do to

change what happened in my childhood. I don't have anything I want to change

about him, it's all far too late for that.

Then.... regarding the 4 Questions. I really do believe what I have accused

him of is true. How can I know it's true? I lived through it. Etc, etc, etc. I

guess I'm just wondering if there is someone out there who can give me some

guidance in this.

I am open to suggestion and truly would like to get beyond these feelings (and

especially how they affect me on a daily basis in real time). Any suggestions?

Thank you...

July 18, 2011

Have you watched any of the videos? When I get stuck I try to find a video

similar to my case and watch it. Here is a link to one that is a little bit

similar that may get you pointed in the right direction.

Once you go to this page you will see many more on the side of the page. Watch

as many as you can to get the hang of it.

I have seen do a worksheet with a man where she asked him questions but

used the words " little boy " when she spoke to him since he was talking about

something that happened to him as a child. This seemed to provoke better answers

from him. Since this is also your case you may want to " be " that little boy

when you go through the questions and answer from the way you felt as a child.

Also you stated: " The problem I have with all of this is that there is nothing

he can do to change what happened in my childhood. "

The questions are not to get him to " do " anything, they are meant so that you

can " see " what it was you wanted and felt like you didn't get and then when you

do the turn arounds to these statements you get some " new " answers that you may

not have seen before.

It does take a little practice. I found that watching the videos really helped

me get centered. I hope this helps. If you need any more help, please feel

free to write.

Thank you for having the courage to ask for help.

Peace to you,

Marie

>

> Hello All,

>

> Thank you for being there and offering your support. I have just started

reading " Loving What Is " and starting to do the work. Am putting together my

first " Judge my neighbor worksheet " . I am writing out my anger at my father for

the errors (my perception) that he made while I was a child.

>

> The question I have is this: In the book, asks how we would like that

person to change, What should they do or not do, what do I need from them, what

do I not want to experience with them, etc.

>

> The problem I have with all of this is that there is nothing he can do to

change what happened in my childhood. I don't have anything I want to change

about him, it's all far too late for that.

>

> Then.... regarding the 4 Questions. I really do believe what I have accused

him of is true. How can I know it's true? I lived through it. Etc, etc,

etc. I guess I'm just wondering if there is someone out there who can give me

some guidance in this.

>

> I am open to suggestion and truly would like to get beyond these feelings (and

especially how they affect me on a daily basis in real time). Any suggestions?

>

> Thank you...

>

July 18, 2011

Hi,

I've been mulling your questions which I find to be excellent.

In response to the first point you raise, " I don't have anything I want to

change about him, it's all far too late for that. " I'd respond by saying, you've

already provided yourself the best answer. You are being completely realistic

and it looks like wisdom to me.

It happened, it can't be changed, move on.

What worked for me in dealing with my mother, was realizing that I often dwelled

on her past actions. I wanted her to acknowledge the error of her ways. My

thinking was impossible and fantasy based.

More important, every time I relived an incident, I came to believe she was

winning again in that moment. has said to people, " The incident happened

once but you have relived it a hundred times or more. Who is the real

perpetrator here? "

That's true even with horrific incidents. For example, the rape was twenty years

ago and the rapist may or may be alive and has probably not thought of the

victim in all those years. But each time the victim relives the event it is

being done to her/him all over again but not by the original perpetrator.

I hope some of this is helpful and makes sense to you. If you have any followup

questions for me, I would be happy to respond.

Vivian

Question, Request For Assistance

Hello All,

Thank you for being there and offering your support. I have just started

reading " Loving What Is " and starting to do the work. Am putting together my

first " Judge my neighbor worksheet " . I am writing out my anger at my father for

the errors (my perception) that he made while I was a child.

The question I have is this: In the book, asks how we would like that

person to change, What should they do or not do, what do I need from them, what

do I not want to experience with them, etc.

The problem I have with all of this is that there is nothing he can do to

change what happened in my childhood. I don't have anything I want to change

about him, it's all far too late for that.

Then.... regarding the 4 Questions. I really do believe what I have accused

him of is true. How can I know it's true? I lived through it. Etc, etc, etc. I

guess I'm just wondering if there is someone out there who can give me some

guidance in this.

I am open to suggestion and truly would like to get beyond these feelings (and

especially how they affect me on a daily basis in real time). Any suggestions?

Thank you...

July 18, 2011

Here are a few gems for your pleasure-enjoy:

Turn it around

_https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gXTBAwJ7qE & featur..._

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gXTBAwJ7qE & featur...)

The Work w/ on Polar Bears-amazing

_http://dl.dropbox.com/u/2611634/polar%20bear.mp3_

(http://dl.dropbox.com/u/2611634/polar%20bear.mp3)

The amazing journey of a student in the School For The Work

_http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DMYk-jziUFw & feature=player_embedded_

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DMYk-jziUFw & feature=player_embedded)

In a message dated 19/07/2011 03:46:11 ×©×¢×•×Ÿ ×§×™×¥ ×™×¨×•×©×œ×™×,

vbarning@... writes:

Hi,

I've been mulling your questions which I find to be excellent.

In response to the first point you raise, " I don't have anything I want to

change about him, it's all far too late for that. " I'd respond by saying,

you've already provided yourself the best answer. You are being completely

realistic and it looks like wisdom to me.

It happened, it can't be changed, move on.

What worked for me in dealing with my mother, was realizing that I often

dwelled on her past actions. I wanted her to acknowledge the error of her

ways. My thinking was impossible and fantasy based.

More important, every time I relived an incident, I came to believe she

was winning again in that moment. has said to people, " The incident

happened once but you have relived it a hundred times or more. Who is the real

perpetrator here? "

That's true even with horrific incidents. For example, the rape was twenty

years ago and the rapist may or may be alive and has probably not thought

of the victim in all those years. But each time the victim relives the

event it is being done to her/him all over again but not by the original

perpetrator.

I hope some of this is helpful and makes sense to you. If you have any

followup questions for me, I would be happy to respond.

Vivian

Question, Request For Assistance

Hello All,

Thank you for being there and offering your support. I have just started

reading " Loving What Is " and starting to do the work. Am putting together my

first " Judge my neighbor worksheet " . I am writing out my anger at my

father for the errors (my perception) that he made while I was a child.

The question I have is this: In the book, asks how we would like

that person to change, What should they do or not do, what do I need from

them, what do I not want to experience with them, etc.

The problem I have with all of this is that there is nothing he can do to

change what happened in my childhood. I don't have anything I want to

change about him, it's all far too late for that.

Then.... regarding the 4 Questions. I really do believe what I have

accused him of is true. How can I know it's true? I lived through it. Etc, etc,

etc. I guess I'm just wondering if there is someone out there who can give

me some guidance in this.

I am open to suggestion and truly would like to get beyond these feelings

(and especially how they affect me on a daily basis in real time). Any

suggestions?

Thank you...

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

------------------------------------

Yahoo! Groups Links

July 18, 2011

Hi Vivian,

Thank you very much for your input. It makes a lot of sense. I guess I was

just hoping for that " state of absolute joy, filled with the realization of

how my suffering had ended " that they mention on the back of the book.

I will continue to read and do " The Work " and we'll see where it goes.

Thanks again for your thoughts...

Greg

> **

>

> Hi,

>

> I've been mulling your questions which I find to be excellent.

>

> In response to the first point you raise, " I don't have anything I want to

> change about him, it's all far too late for that. " I'd respond by saying,

> you've already provided yourself the best answer. You are being completely

> realistic and it looks like wisdom to me.

>

> It happened, it can't be changed, move on.

>

> What worked for me in dealing with my mother, was realizing that I often

> dwelled on her past actions. I wanted her to acknowledge the error of her

> ways. My thinking was impossible and fantasy based.

>

> More important, every time I relived an incident, I came to believe she was

> winning again in that moment. has said to people, " The incident

> happened once but you have relived it a hundred times or more. Who is the

> real perpetrator here? "

>

> That's true even with horrific incidents. For example, the rape was twenty

> years ago and the rapist may or may be alive and has probably not thought of

> the victim in all those years. But each time the victim relives the event it

> is being done to her/him all over again but not by the original perpetrator.

>

> I hope some of this is helpful and makes sense to you. If you have any

> followup questions for me, I would be happy to respond.

>

> Vivian

>

> Question, Request For Assistance

>

> Hello All,

>

> Thank you for being there and offering your support. I have just started

> reading " Loving What Is " and starting to do the work. Am putting together my

> first " Judge my neighbor worksheet " . I am writing out my anger at my father

> for the errors (my perception) that he made while I was a child.

>

> The question I have is this: In the book, asks how we would like that

> person to change, What should they do or not do, what do I need from them,

> what do I not want to experience with them, etc.

>

> The problem I have with all of this is that there is nothing he can do to

> change what happened in my childhood. I don't have anything I want to change

> about him, it's all far too late for that.

>

> Then.... regarding the 4 Questions. I really do believe what I have accused

> him of is true. How can I know it's true? I lived through it. Etc, etc, etc.

> I guess I'm just wondering if there is someone out there who can give me

> some guidance in this.

>

> I am open to suggestion and truly would like to get beyond these feelings

> (and especially how they affect me on a daily basis in real time). Any

> suggestions?

>

> Thank you...

>

July 19, 2011

Yep I would say there are two or three things here. One is that realizing

that there is nothing you want the person to do, because it all happened in

the past is a good insight. But if you think like, " He/She should apologize

to me " then that's the types of thoughts that question on the Judge your

Neighbor is trying to pull out.

As for your comment, " I know it's true, because I lived through it. " That

one would could approach from so many different angles, so I say just

explore a lot of them over time. For example, first of all you can explore

the accuracy and validity of your memory or memory itself. Haven't you ever

been in an argument with someone over the details of a shared memory? Or

haven't you ever rolled your eyes at " Uncle Bob's " fish story about him

catching a fish that was " THIS BIG " ? The point is that our memory mechanism

is very deceptive and is built to protect " our self " and not provide

accurate historical accounts. It distorts and shapes events to fit our

needs.

Secondly, it's ok to say " Yes, this is true " to question #1 and #2 on the

worksheet. There's no rule that you have to say " No " . Just keep your

" Yes's " and move on to question #3 and #4. The work still works with

" yes's " as much as " no's " . It's your answer, not what you think the answer

should be.

Third, suggests attaching a " ... and this means... " to the end of your

" yes " statements. For example, " Yes, this person did this to me when I was

a child...and this means that... this person was uncaring, is a monster,

betrayed my trust, etc, etc " The " yes " becomes a gateway for the painful

thoughts that are hiding behind it. Then you can do the work with each one

of these thoughts, like " The person was uncaring, is this true? " .

Good luck!

>

> Hello All,

>

> Thank you for being there and offering your support. I have just started

reading " Loving What Is " and starting to do the work. Am putting together my

first " Judge my neighbor worksheet " . I am writing out my anger at my father

for the errors (my perception) that he made while I was a child.

>

> The question I have is this: In the book, asks how we would like

that person to change, What should they do or not do, what do I need from

them, what do I not want to experience with them, etc.

>

> The problem I have with all of this is that there is nothing he can do to

change what happened in my childhood. I don't have anything I want to change

about him, it's all far too late for that.

>

> Then.... regarding the 4 Questions. I really do believe what I have

accused him of is true. How can I know it's true? I lived through it. Etc,

etc, etc. I guess I'm just wondering if there is someone out there who can

give me some guidance in this.

>

> I am open to suggestion and truly would like to get beyond these feelings

(and especially how they affect me on a daily basis in real time). Any

suggestions?

>

> Thank you...

>

January 26, 2012

HiÂ

Â The problem I have with all of this is that there is nothing he can do to

> change what happened in my childhood. I don't have anything I want to change

> about him, it's all far too late for that.Â

It sound like you are going mental on this. Try to get at what you want even if

it sounds unreasonable or cruel

I want it to not have happened.I want him to not have done that.He should undo

it.I want him to suffer like I did/do.I want him to feel what I feel/felt.

I think if you sink in you will find the wants, needs, shoulds. It may help to

think what he did was unreasonable. You need to be reasonable. He should be

reasonable.

Then.... regarding the 4 Questions. I really do believe what I have accused

> him of is true. How can I know it's true? I lived through it. Etc, etc, etc.

> I guess I'm just wondering if there is someone out there who can give me

> some guidance in this.

>

Concerning your proof, can I know it is true?

" I lived through it. "

Are you living through it now?

It happened in the past. Where is this past now? Can you take it out and show it

to me?

Is any of it here now other than a thought?Â

When you think the thoughtÂ " I lived through it. " , Â is that thought yours? If

you write it on paper and see it and hold it is it yours?Â

What I see is that it is not about changing the past but loosening our

attachment to the thoughts about what happened.

Hope this helps

ne

Questioning like this eases up my resistance to what " I know/believe is true " .

> **

>

> Hi,

>

> I've been mulling your questions which I find to be excellent.

>

> In response to the first point you raise, " I don't have anything I want to

> change about him, it's all far too late for that. " I'd respond by saying,

> you've already provided yourself the best answer. You are being completely

> realistic and it looks like wisdom to me.

>

> It happened, it can't be changed, move on.

>

> What worked for me in dealing with my mother, was realizing that I often

> dwelled on her past actions. I wanted her to acknowledge the error of her

> ways. My thinking was impossible and fantasy based.

>

> More important, every time I relived an incident, I came to believe she was

> winning again in that moment. has said to people, " The incident

> happened once but you have relived it a hundred times or more. Who is the

> real perpetrator here? "

>

> That's true even with horrific incidents. For example, the rape was twenty

> years ago and the rapist may or may be alive and has probably not thought of

> the victim in all those years. But each time the victim relives the event it

> is being done to her/him all over again but not by the original perpetrator.

>

> I hope some of this is helpful and makes sense to you. If you have any

> followup questions for me, I would be happy to respond.

>

> Vivian

>

> Question, Request For Assistance

>

> Hello All,

>

> Thank you for being there and offering your support. I have just started

> reading " Loving What Is " and starting to do the work. Am putting together my

> first " Judge my neighbor worksheet " . I am writing out my anger at my father

> for the errors (my perception) that he made while I was a child.

>

> The question I have is this: In the book, asks how we would like that

> person to change, What should they do or not do, what do I need from them,

> what do I not want to experience with them, etc.

>

> The problem I have with all of this is that there is nothing he can do to

> change what happened in my childhood. I don't have anything I want to change

> about him, it's all far too late for that.

>

> Then.... regarding the 4 Questions. I really do believe what I have accused

> him of is true. How can I know it's true? I lived through it. Etc, etc, etc.

> I guess I'm just wondering if there is someone out there who can give me

> some guidance in this.

>

> I am open to suggestion and truly would like to get beyond these feelings

> (and especially how they affect me on a daily basis in real time). Any

> suggestions?

>

> Thank you...

>

January 26, 2012

Dear ,

I know that my take on this comes really late. And saying this I realize: it's

not too late for me to hear my answers. So thank you for sharing.

> The question I have is this: In the book, asks how we would like that

person to change, What should they do or not do, what do I need from them, what

do I not want to experience with them, etc.

>

> The problem I have with all of this is that there is nothing he can do to

change what happened in my childhood. I don't have anything I want to change

about him, it's all far too late for that.

>

well, for one - and this has already been said in other words - this is the

place where you investigate your heart to understand what it is that would give

you closure. It can be literally *anything*: die, disappear, make you forget,

beg for mercy. You are " holding a grudge " (sorry for my poor wording, since I

assume it can't compare with what you are feeling) against him, so there is

something that you expect to happen so that you can feel better.

We believe so many things, to explain, to justify our suffering. If I learned

one thing, if there is one thing I really believe in, then it is that I have no

justification whatsoever to suffer. Let me say that again: suffering is *never*

justified! That's my truth.

So, what is it that you want him to change about the world?

> Then.... regarding the 4 Questions. I really do believe what I have accused

him of is true. How can I know it's true? I lived through it. Etc, etc, etc. I

guess I'm just wondering if there is someone out there who can give me some

guidance in this.

>

When I was introduced to the work, I really held onto my beliefs. I did not want

anyone to take away from me my reality. I felt *they* wanted to trick me into

seein that I was wrong, and I did not want that to happen! It would have shaken

my world, if I had had to admit that I had no longer a legitimate reason to

anger or sadness, in any form.

Well, it did shake my world.

Be an investigator of your thoughts. Listen to them, and write them down. It is

so much easier to facilitate if you do the work for us, and write down your

questions.

So, you lived through it... and is he still doing what he was doing back then?

Did you take his place and became the perpetrator in addition to the victim? Do

you run it through your mind, over and over? And lot of people have had similar

experiences. And almost everyone has had the thoughts.

> I am open to suggestion and truly would like to get beyond these feelings (and

especially how they affect me on a daily basis in real time). Any suggestions?

>

Whenever you see something, you don't truly love, then you have found something

to do the work on. Until you are free.

It's a life's task.

Hugs,

January 26, 2012

I love this!

And saying this I realize: it's not too late for me to hear my answers.Â

Subject: Re: Question, Request For Assistance

To: Loving-what-is

Date: Thursday, January 26, 2012, 9:27 AM