Re: relationship with nada affect/effect relationships with other women?

[Guest guest]

I can totally relate to what you are saying....so my vote would be that it

is most likely a flea. Even though my nada isn't in the waif category, she

was the very same way as your nada....ironic since she always criticized HER

mother for doing the very same thing. She was always making herself the

victim....since her sister was always the " favorite " of her mother....my

grandmother favored her younger sister because she was the barbi doll type..

blonde, tall, beautiful....with a home in an expensive part of time....the

best of automobiles and a personal shopper. Yet, my mother...more of the

witch type, was always quick to point out how cute all the other teenage

girls my age were....how much all the boys prefered those type of girls...

with the " nice shape " . The only difference is...my mother induced alot of

paranoia in both my brother and myself....even the good things that happened

were always part of a " grand scheme " of someone who was out to " get us " . I

alway kind of assumed that her way of thinking was just because her mother

raised her with that same philosophy. But yes....because of the paranoia

programming I have a very difficult time dealing with relationships with

other women. I'm quick to mistake something as catty or competitive....more

especially with women. Wow...i never even thought about this being a

potential flea....and until you brought it up I didn't even recognize that I

take things a bit more personally when it involves another woman....but i

definately do. Now that I think about it, even when in simple conversation

with women, i'm constantly picking up " tones " ....and focused more on what is

NOT being said and reading between the lines. I've always been convinced

that women were just, in general, vindictive creatures...but have shrugged

it off to a venus/mars things. I think I need to re-examine why i do that..

.. I'm interested in where other people stand with this....it's a very good

point.

Kisses and Nibbles,

Bunny

-- relationship with nada affect/effect

relationships with other women?

I have been programmed to be passive in regards to nada and Foo and

whenever I assert myself it was fight to the death. My question is

does anyone else have problems with relating to other women? I come

from a long line of aunts and cousins who are programmed to be the

best, skinnest, flashiest, most $$$, whatever. I do have a few

friends that I can be honest and bare my soul to but I find most

women to be so competitive and insincere. Is this projecting or a

FLEA due to my relatinship with nada ? To this day I have issues with

my appearance and weight but refuse to buy into FOO's obsessions and

many relatives suffer from anorexia, especially waif nada. I know it

stems from granfada's/granada's way of making all relatives be in

competition for approval and praise, i.e. the more successful you are

the more we like to brag and pick you as our favorite. I am so glad

to be away from that. The last time I saw granfada he told me I was

fat! This from a man who looks like Walter Matthauw having a bad day!

Intellectually I know that I am beautiful and NOT fat but when I look

in the mirror I still see the little girl who was told by her nada

that she has big bones and a weight problem. What a sick message to

send to a little girl. As a teacher I am always de-mything popular

culture and getting students to question what they see and are told.

It is fascinating how nada seems to share the same mentality as a

teenage girl. I don't know if anyone can relate and I do think this

must be a flea, or is it projecting? Still trying to wrap my brain

around BPD terminology. Thanks for reading this rambling vent!!

[Guest guest]

Hi there,

If I could take the second issue first--the same sortof beauty contest mentality

was

prevalent in my family. Nada taught my sister and me that we were supposed to

compete

with all the other cousins to be the 'prettiest', and my grandfada (great term)

tells me I've

gained weight all the time, though I've never been overweight by scientific

standards.

But even worse, nada would directly make me compete with my sister, and also,

with every

other woman in the room, whenever I was out in public. Just like nadas seem to

think

there's only a finite amount of love in the world, some nadas tend to think

there's a finite

amount of beauty in the world--and if you don't have the most of it in their

opinion, they

split you black. At least mine did. And when I do have the most of it, she

tries to 'be'

me--showing up at wherever I get my hair cut; trying to give me her clothes, or

take mine.

And yes, this sortof nada tells you you're fat from an early age--I've been on

weight

watchers since I was around 11 or 12. Unless I'm following it, I don't really

know how to

eat correctly--I can't respond to my natural appetite. I either overeat or

follow weight

watchers.

So yes, this is a common experience. Now for your first question. I'm sorry to

hear you

have difficult relationships w/other women. It's not a necessary consequence of

having a

bpd mother though, because I have several wonderful girlfriends, all of whom

I've had for

many years. Most of them are KOs or have other abusive sorts of mothers. I

suppose I

had enough good female role models--such as teachers, aunts, music intstructors,

etc--

that I learned that not all women were the enemy. I wish you luck in overcoming

this flea.

And I'm glad you're a teacher so that you can help other KO little girls to see

that women

can be good role models...

Best

Charlie

>

> I have been programmed to be passive in regards to nada and Foo and

> whenever I assert myself it was fight to the death. My question is

> does anyone else have problems with relating to other women? I come

> from a long line of aunts and cousins who are programmed to be the

> best, skinnest, flashiest, most $$$, whatever. I do have a few

> friends that I can be honest and bare my soul to but I find most

> women to be so competitive and insincere. Is this projecting or a

> FLEA due to my relatinship with nada ? To this day I have issues with

> my appearance and weight but refuse to buy into FOO's obsessions and

> many relatives suffer from anorexia, especially waif nada. I know it

> stems from granfada's/granada's way of making all relatives be in

> competition for approval and praise, i.e. the more successful you are

> the more we like to brag and pick you as our favorite. I am so glad

> to be away from that. The last time I saw granfada he told me I was

> fat! This from a man who looks like Walter Matthauw having a bad day!

> Intellectually I know that I am beautiful and NOT fat but when I look

> in the mirror I still see the little girl who was told by her nada

> that she has big bones and a weight problem. What a sick message to

> send to a little girl. As a teacher I am always de-mything popular

> culture and getting students to question what they see and are told.

> It is fascinating how nada seems to share the same mentality as a

> teenage girl. I don't know if anyone can relate and I do think this

> must be a flea, or is it projecting? Still trying to wrap my brain

> around BPD terminology. Thanks for reading this rambling vent!!

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, it's definitely faulty programming -- you can rewrite those

erroneous self-image barbs with some of your own. It's not only

your family, either -- our culture sends us those " skinniest,

richest, etc. " messages every day. I could care less about those

empty-headed " celebrities " that are forced on us every day, but I

have to go to the grocery store, and there are the tabloids staring

me in the face. Can't get away from it. And it's CRAP.

But, I digress......

The BPDs that I've come across are immature -- you've hit on

something there. All the books I've read touch on that -- they're

emotionally immature people, in grown up bodies.

You now have the power to program your own ideal of beauty --

starting with you.

My favorite poem says it best. I remember it when I'm feeling

intimidated by the people around me (Anyone else remember this

one?):

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it

once a day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed,

revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; Never throw out anybody.

Remember, If you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the

end of your arm.

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one

for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure

that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a

woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to

her heart, the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a

woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly

gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with

passing years only grows!

Sam Levenson

Posted October 1999

Contrary to what some may think, Audrey Hepburn did not write this

beautiful poem, Sam Levenson did. Levenson wrote " Time Tested Beauty

Tips " for his grandchild, and it just so happened to be one of

Audrey's favorite poems. She read it to her children on the very

last Christmas Eve she spent with us here on Earth.

{end of excerpt}

Beauty blessings to all --

Kyla

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>

> I have been programmed to be passive in regards to nada and Foo

and

> whenever I assert myself it was fight to the death. My question is

> does anyone else have problems with relating to other women? I

come

> from a long line of aunts and cousins who are programmed to be the

> best, skinnest, flashiest, most $$$, whatever. I do have a few

> friends that I can be honest and bare my soul to but I find most

> women to be so competitive and insincere. Is this projecting or a

> FLEA due to my relatinship with nada ? To this day I have issues

with

> my appearance and weight but refuse to buy into FOO's obsessions

and

> many relatives suffer from anorexia, especially waif nada. I know

it

> stems from granfada's/granada's way of making all relatives be in

> competition for approval and praise, i.e. the more successful you

are

> the more we like to brag and pick you as our favorite. I am so

glad

> to be away from that. The last time I saw granfada he told me I

was

> fat! This from a man who looks like Walter Matthauw having a bad

day!

> Intellectually I know that I am beautiful and NOT fat but when I

look

> in the mirror I still see the little girl who was told by her nada

> that she has big bones and a weight problem. What a sick message

to

> send to a little girl. As a teacher I am always de-mything popular

> culture and getting students to question what they see and are

told.

> It is fascinating how nada seems to share the same mentality as a

> teenage girl. I don't know if anyone can relate and I do think

this

> must be a flea, or is it projecting? Still trying to wrap my brain

> around BPD terminology. Thanks for reading this rambling vent!!

>