Re: healing

[Guest guest]

.....Sometimes a real family is found when you least expect it... Lizzie, you

expressed beautifully the things I am feeling. I rested better last night and am

at peace today more than I've been in a very long time. I'll not turn away

again. Thank you, Lizzie. -LK

lizzyboo81 wrote:

LK, I can understand that. I have been there too. There was a time

where I could not cry either. I was so angry and so hurt. I did not

cry for a long time well over a year if not 2. But I had so much

hurt it was the first time after going n/c. I completely stopped

talking to my mom and seeing my mom. This was a shock after living

with her. I could not bring myself to cry. I was finally realizing

just how abusive the situation was and I could not believe it. I

wanted so bad to turn on God I thought it was the easy way, but I

had friends and family and a husband who all stood by me and they

all believed in God and told me God would bring me through.

Sometimes I was so mad at God for what happened. I still don't

understand I am not sure I ever will and sometimes I still am angry

but I think faith is the one and only thing that has taken me

through.

One time we were in church and the pastor often has a message for

somebody in the crowd. He will not say a name but describes what he

feels and prays for that person. Once he described my situation

that I was feeling in my heart to a T. Then his message was even

though I lost me faith in God, God never lost his faith in me and he

always loves me even if I don't believe in Him. That day my knees

were knocking my body was trembling. I knew I had to keep my faith I

knew God really loved me and everybody. I knew the pastor was

talking of me even if he did not know himself. Several months later

I told his wife it was me he was praying for and she thanked me for

the confirmation. But I was the one who felt thankful I felt like

God truly heard my prayer and answered me. The night of that prayer

I went home and slept like a baby for the first time in a long time.

I felt as thought I was being cradled in the large hands of God. I

had a peace like I can not explain, even though we were in the midst

of court and my children were probably going to be taken from me

according to the judge I knew I had to trust God and have faith. I

had peace.

God comes to us in many ways and speaks to us in many ways it is not

always prayer from a pastor. It can be simple as the wind blowing

on your skin, the blossoms sprouting through the grass, snowflakes

on a tree, watching the sun rise while you dring the first cup of

morning coffee! We can see God all around us every day. We can feel

his love in the air we breath. But I was so desperate and in such a

pit I could not see any of that. I was so happy I felt like God sent

a search and rescue squad to come and save me and tell me, " HEY! I

love you, keep hanging in there, don't give up! " Just to hear those

words come from the mouth of a man who knew nothing of me, I knew it

was divine! Every day miracles are good but some times the divine is

good to when we need it. Now I try to focus on the every day

miracles so I don't lose sight of my faith again!

It all worked out I have my kids. We still go to the same church the

kids love the Sunday kids church and Sunday school. I still can't

talk to my mom but my faith in God is here. My life is good and I am

happy. Some days are hard, like today is my sisters birthday. I want

to cry and now I can 3-4 years ago I could not. Now my sister is

legal and maybe she will come out off the FOG soon this can be my

prayer for her now.

I just want to encourage you. Regardless of faith we may not be the

same but that does not matter. Faith and love are all the same at

the end of the day. Just hang in there hold on to what you have. You

need all the love you can get. I am glad you are going through

these transitions it is hard but necessary.

Going through things with BPD moms is very hard and we just feel a

well of emotions. Sometimes they all just bubble up and sometimes

the well feels dry. Eventually I hope we can tame them a bit more;-)

I think we can a little but I don't think any of us here have a

magic key. We just do the best we can and hang in there.

All my love Lizzy

>

> Earlier I just said thanks to for his post because I was

too overcome to say more. I've not shed a tear over the hurts Mom

has sent my way in many years - no point to it. It served better

to 'toughen up' and go into survivor mode. The problem with that is

that lately I've been so angry - feeling put-upon by the smallest

demands on my time - and I've been on a terrible emotional roller-

coaster. Mom and my sister are heavily involved in the church and I

couldn't reconcile a God who approved of them with a God who

approved of me - one of us had to be right and apparently it wasn't

me, so several years ago, I turned my back on the God I had known

and loved my whole life and walked away. Today, those words went

straight to my heart and for the first time in years, tears began to

fall and I began to hope that maybe there was a place for me after

all. My fervent wish over the last months has been that the apron

strings would be untied so I could be free of the

> tremendous hurt in my heart. I believed it would happen if I

could just toughen my heart enough to break away and shatter the

ties. I never dreamed that it might occur by a whisper of divine

love that says the One who knows all, somehow believes I'm worthy

too. No, it's not a magic formula and Mom will still be Mom, but

somehow, during that post, I came back 'home' again. Tonight I sense

larger Hands than mine quietly taking my hands off the apron strings

and beginning to gently untangle the knots.... and I'm gonna be

ok. -LK

>

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