there's something wrong with me ( again)

[Guest guest]

There's something wrong with me

1, yes

proof ?

my mind has been spinning out about this date tommorrow and i've been

getting ahead of myself.

2, no My friends told me they feel like that too

3,I feel like a fuck up, I feel ahead of myself, i get fearful about

this date, i want to cancel, i feel like i'm gonna turn into an

insecure wreck and i wouldn't wish that on anyone, My mind spins off

into the future and tells me i can't handle any relationships, i loose

my balance and forget to get my errands done, I feel like i regress to

a little girl, I put my date up on a pedistal and think he's gonna

think i'm fucked up, I think about his inner work and put myself

down,I tell myself he's not gonna wanna know me when he see's what a

basket case i am..

I feel pressured, my mind swims, i feel like eating more, I make alot

of phone calls to avoid myself and see if other people are gonna give

me answers, I go fishing for people to tell me ok but that doesn't

relieve me . I go shopping and think about spending money.

I treat myself as if i'm a failure when i believe this thought, I'm

fucked up, crazy and no one's ever gonna wanna love me, I don't do my

errands properly and leave things unfinished. I hide myself away, I

don't allow love in. I treat myself as if i'm not worth loving..I rush

and keep myself busy, I don't slow down.

I get to be right that i'm fucked up and unlovable.I get to believe

that if I can just hide it well enough i'll be ok.. I get to believe i

need to fix myself and spend alot of time and energy trying to do that

rather than being present.

i think this thought protects me from making a fool of myself .

the worst thing that could happen without this thought is that he

would see what a mess i am.

I'm in gods business and this thought brings me a lot of stress.

4, quite, present, breathing, feeling the rise and fall of my chest,

fingers typing on keyboard, watching the sensations passing thru my

body, here, now, spacious, noticing what has to be done today and not

over in tommorrows business.

smiling, watching the story float by.calm, lovable, worthy. silent

without this thought i would take life more in my stride, i would be

comfortable in my own skin, i would go and enjoy this date tommorrow

without doubting myself, i would be honest and open and confident, i

would be getting on with my life, eing more productive and peaceful..

I would never walk into a room and feel self conscious, i would see

everywhere as home, I would love this person called pip.

I would see myself as the perfect, weight, height , age, temperament

for this unique one .

T.A There's nothing wrong with me

1, i'm in good health, I'm sitting at home typing on my computer

2, othe rthan the thoughts i tell myself about me I have a good life

and great friends and i have achieved alot of things other people only

dream of.

3, I'm breathing and about to go to a group on honest communication

T.A There's something right with me

1, I have been open with this guy about the workings of my mind and he

seems to appreciate that.

2, I had the balls to put an ad on craigslist looking for a partner

and got good response even though I was scared to do it.

3, I am brave enough to be open to going on a date with a man i've

never met.

4, I'm open enough to see that if there is no romance here that it

could possibly turn out to be a great friend.

5, I managed to get over shali pretty quickly and have been enjoying

my own space.

6, I managed to work my weekend out so that i could go and see this

guy and still go and visit friends on the other side of the island so

I could do both.

7, I managed to pull myself out of this story today and enjoy the time

I spent with my friend and laugh at how my mind got ahead of itself

8, I was able to be aware enough to see this story arising and free

myself from it later in the day.

9, I was aware that this thought sabotages my life quite alot

10, I'm learning to ask for what i need in many areas of my life

11, I got to slow done be quite and see this thought for what it

really is ..

please feedback on underlying beliefs or anything else

xxpipxx