Re: Inquiry - I shouldn't hug kevin unless I know he wants it

[Guest guest]

Hi Churyl,

Thank you for your post. It stimulated some of my own work.

My thoughts are around the word " rejection. "

What beliefs do you have about rejection? Here are some I've explored:

People shouldn't reject me.

People can reject me.

There is such a thing as rejection.

I need others to accept me.

Without acceptance, I am unworthy.

KR

Steve

imtheslaw@...

> I did 'the work' on my issues about how to be with kevin while we're in

> this place of him not being sure he wants to be with me. Specifically how I

> should act around him in terms of hugs. Any feedback appreciated.

>

>

>

> *1) Is it true?

> *

> I don't know

>

> *What's the reality of it?

> *

> I can't know whether he wants it or not. He can't know, either.

>

> *Whose business is it?

> *

> I suppose it's his business.

>

> *2) Can you absolutely know it's true?

> *

> No, I can't.

>

> *And it means that...

> *

> I can't know if I'm being rejected or not.

>

> *What do you think you would have?

> *

> A feeling of acceptance.

>

> *What's the worst that could happen?

> *

> I could be rejected.

>

> *What's the should?

> *

> People shouldn't be rejected by lovers.

>

> *Where's your proof?

> *

> Hollywood movies, romance books

>

> *Find your proof of truth*

>

> I can't find any.

>

> *3) How do you react when you think that thought?

> *

> I close up. I feel fear. i see him come through the door and not look at me

> or smile or hug at me and I feel rejection. I want to connect with him and

> give him a hug. When I do, he sometimes still seems distant and cold and

> the fact that I'm a reject is confirmed. I can't quite remember giving him

> a hug in this situation where he ends up being warm and smiling. I guess I

> am afraid that he won't want the hug and I'll have bothered him. I feel

> unloved. Unvalued. I withdraw.

>

> *Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don't)

> *

> Yes, because it hurts.

>

> *4) Who would you be without that thought?

> *

> I would see that his smiling or not smiling after a hug has absolutely

> nothing to do with me. I would give him hugs and feel love pouring through

> me regardless of his reaction. I would shift the energy in the room. I

> would love

> him unconditionally. It would be part of a butterfly effect that ripples

> through the universe. I would be happy when he came home, instead of

> scared. I would know my innocence. I would know I am Love, no matter how

> acts or feels. I would sit back down at the table and feel happy that

> I was my true self - Love. I would be free. I would be energized. I would

> be modelling being present to the experience of love, no matter what the

> external events, to Pierce. And . I would be appreciating him. I would

> be in better health, because instead of fear and inflammation coursing

> though my blood, it would be love and optimal glowing health.

>

>

> Turnaround

>

> *To myself: I shouldn't hug kevin unless I know I want it.*

>

> Oh my goodness!!! So much more true! Wow...blowing my socks off. Yes. The

> hugs are from my feelings of appreciation. They have nothing to do with him

> wanting them, or deserving them, or reacting in a way that makes me feel

> good. The hugs are about extending love, not about what I can get from

> them. It's like I get a chance to correct what happened with my grandma all

> over again. She appeared to me to hate me and I couldn't love her or hug

> her. I could have shifted how I acted and felt, but I didn't know how. Now

> I do.

>

>

> *To the other: shouldn't hug me unless he knows he wants it.*

>

> Yes, just as true. For all the reasons above. So hugging is not about the

> receiver, it's about the giver. Just like how children and dogs are. They

> don't worry about whether someone wants their affection. They just give it

> because they want to.

>

> *To the opposite: I should hug even if I don't know whether he wants

> it.

> *

> Yes. Because it's from me and for me. It has nothing to do with him. If he

> doesn't want it, I trust him to tell me so.

>

> *I look forward to giving a hug and having him not smile afterwards.

> *

>

>

>