Re: there's something wrong with me

[Guest guest]

Has anyone found that when they start changing their thoughts, beliefs, etc.

that things seem to go awry for a while?

pip wrote: There's something wrong with me

1, yes it feels that way

2, no i can't know that absolutely true,

3, I cry, I hide away, I don't want to go out, I read books on how to

fix myself, I feel like there's a time limit of 1 month before Shali

comes back, I feel sorry for myself, I watch satsang, I see my whole

life play out in front of me and it feels like this thought is going

to be there forever so I see failed relationships and me feeling

fearful for the rest of my life, I see me still being single and old

and lonely.

I feel scared that people will see how fucked up I am.

I search for answers to fix myself.

I'm in gods business blaming him for making me wrong.

I think I can protect myself from others seeing how flawed and fucked

up I am by holding this belief.

I get to fix myself, so i get to believe i'm in control.

It holds this identification in place.

if i couldn't believe this thought again the worst thing that could

happen is everyone would know how fucked up i am.

this thought brings me stress and a peaceful reason for dropping it is

that i would be more confident and radiant in my relationships.

4, breathing deeply, calm , peaceful, enjoying my life, connecting

with people,

typing away on my keyboard, it feels like there would be alot of

silence in my mind, expansion, allowing myself to be sad when i'm sad,

cry when i cry, accepting all of it, no judgement on myself for being

human, no fear that others won't like me.I would be more honest in my

relationships, i would tell people i'm scared, or i'm hurting.

I wouldn't be scared or hurting because i would have no concept that

anything was wrong with me even if i was really emotional..I'd be

observing rather than trying to fix myself. I'd be watching a great

movie, one where I played the starring role and I'd love my

movie...I'd be more socialable because I'd be fearless that people

were gonna see how broken i was ..

T.A THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.

1, I woke up this morning and took a shower,

2, I ate breakfast,

3, I checked my email,

4, I drove to the store to buy groceries

5, I came home again.

6, I made a phone call

7, I sat with the feelings that came up for me and allowed myself to

really feel crap and didn't struggle to fix it.

8, I fell asleep

9, I woke up , read my book.

10, I made dinner and spent 2 hours having a normal conversation with

my new house mate

11, I washed up

12, I made a few more calls

13, i'm now sitting here writing this, breathing, typing , fingers on

keyboards..

14, yesterday I went to tai chi then i spent the day at the beach with

my friends, swimming and chatting and came home and read in the

evening and listened to satsang.

15, it's ok for me not to want to go out and socialize

16, it's ok for me not want to be alone

T.A THERE'S SOMETHING RIGHT WITH ME

1, I eat healthy food and look after my body

2, I have given up most of my addictions,

3, I have fantastic curly hair,

4, I have a great suntan

5, I am soft hearted

6, I can be fearless in many ways

7, I have given up my addiction to sugar

8, I am versatile and can turn my hand to many things

9, I am a great facilitator

10, I am compassionate and understanding

11, I am learning to speak my truth

12, Yesterday I woke up and went to Tai Chi even though my mind was

telling me to stay in bed.

13, I'm managing to hold it together even though I'm not earning much

money and have bills o pay.

14, I live a wonderfully free life in Hawaii

15, I have alot of friends who adore me

16, I have an ex boyfriend who can't quite let go for some reason ..

wow could it be that I'm actually ok??

17, I'm a great chef

18, I am great with helping people with nutrition and giving advice on

diets and addictions

19, I'm a fantastic dancer

20, i'm great with being open with my emotions

21, i've travelled all around the world.

22, I'm doing breatghing classes that arw helping me to release my

emotions

23, I'm exploring tantra and intimacy

24, i'm generous, kind and compassionate to others feelings.

25, I love making food for people and sharing conversation

26, I have friends from all walks of life

27, I can quickly admit when I feel i've been unfair.

28, I'm doing The Work.

[Guest guest]

Hi Giovanna,

I love this post - thank you, you've just helped me to see something.

I have noticed changes - disorientating, losing my grip on what I fel so

sure about previously.

As for things going awry, how can that be possible? Implies that things

should be some other way - that's what you've helped me to see :-)

With love and thanks,

Jon

[Guest guest]

>

> Has anyone found that when they start changing their thoughts,

beliefs, etc. that things seem to go awry for a while?

I think I have more uninvestigated thoughts beneath the ones I've been

living by. I'm not as comfortable with those, as they haven't been

foremost in my mind. But they do become foremost when the other ones

are investigated.

Layers and layers. spent years on it, and as far as I know she

still investigates her thinking at times.

Check out Nietzsche's The THREE STAGES OF MAN, whereby man is said to

have taken on the beliefs of the world as the first step, the second

step is challenging all these beliefs - becoming the lion that devours

the dragons scales, which are many layered. The final stage is of

becoming/returning to being a child, without all the beliefs.

[Guest guest]

Hi Giovanna,

So I've been thinking about this some more - my experience with The Work

so far has been that it's not about changing my thoughts and beliefs -

that when I investigate them I don't have any control over them anyway.

More than anything, it's like deconstructing the ideas and concepts that

I seem to get attached to, exposing thoughts and ideas underneath that,

stuff that I didn't even realize was there until I started noticing

where I felt stressed, etc.

Up to then I seemed to cope with this kind of stuff by trying to manage

and control what was happening. Nowadays I find it's more like life is

happening and " I " am still getting used to that, often terrified by it

and feel like life should be going a different way than it is. And

reality seems to rule.

" If I let go I will die " is a thought that I often believe.

So I now notice more fear than anger - like the layers have been peeled

back to expose more of the core stuff. And that there's less of 'me' if

that makes sense (or maybe more and it's just different).

Does this make any sense?

Maybe more to come on this - who knows?

With love,

Jon

[Guest guest]

Thanks

wrote:

>

> Has anyone found that when they start changing their thoughts,

beliefs, etc. that things seem to go awry for a while?

I think I have more uninvestigated thoughts beneath the ones I've been

living by. I'm not as comfortable with those, as they haven't been

foremost in my mind. But they do become foremost when the other ones

are investigated.

Layers and layers. spent years on it, and as far as I know she

still investigates her thinking at times.

Check out Nietzsche's The THREE STAGES OF MAN, whereby man is said to

have taken on the beliefs of the world as the first step, the second

step is challenging all these beliefs - becoming the lion that devours

the dragons scales, which are many layered. The final stage is of

becoming/returning to being a child, without all the beliefs.

[Guest guest]

Keep on keepin' on with The Work, Pip!

You are an inspiration.

-

 Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It

will not lead you astray.

Rumi

there's something wrong with me

I know i've done this one several times before but here it is again..

1, yes there must be if he dumped me

2, no it just happened the way it did.

3, I look over the relationship and i try and pinpoint what it was I did that

made him dump

me, i feel guily and ashamed .I think that I was harsh sometimes with my truth,

I reflect

back on any little thing I did or said over the past few weeks which would have

effcted

him, I tell myself I'm an idoit for not recognising what I had until it was too

late. I chastise

myself for not being loving enough back. I berate myself for chaning my mind and

blowing

hot and cold and I beat up on myself for not making a commitment and for falling

in love

with him just before he dumped me. I try and avoid this sinking feeling I have

by trying to

work out a strategy to win him back. I feel defeated and then I jump into the

next

relationship that I haven't even had yet and I tell myself it will be the same

and what's the

point ..

I feel hopeless. I cry, I curl up in a ball . I look for other people to tell me

i'm ok ..And I

believe most of all that if he would take me back then It would mean I'm ok.

I get to hold the identity of a victim and my mind gets to be right because he

finished with

me and so therefore there must be something wrong with me .. here's my

evidence!!!

the worst thng that could happen without this thought is that I'd never be able

to fix

myself and then i'd always be broken and no it's not working ...

I'm in his business , trying to work out what he thinks is wrong with me in his

mind.

This thought brings me alot of stress

4, I would have woken up this morning , looking fowad to my day rather than

being

obsessed by the day he split up with me .

I would be peaceful and happy, I would happily let go of my love and wished him

the best

of luck, I would be noticing all the love around me and not tring to get it from

someone

who doesn't want to be with me anymore. I would be my own source of love,

sitting in my

divinity, watching as it all unfolds with excitement at what might be my next

step.

I would feel comfortable in my body. Life would be easy, I would embrase every

moment. I

would be one hot momma ...I would be comforatble being angry, sad, crying,

moody,

rude. I wouldn't be focused on Todd, I'd be getting on with my own life.. I

wouldn't be

searching for love from anyone else.

I would look at todd and want for nothing. I would be totally free and loving ..

T.A There's nothing wrong with me

1, I just tried to stay married to my truth in the relationship and I guess that

wasn't how he

wanted it to look.

2, He told me it wasn't that I did something wrong just that he had changed his

mind and

wanted to be alone.

3, It's not personal, only the story he tells himself about me.

4, I'm still breathng, sleeping, eating, picking my nose..

T.A There's something right with me

1, I'm able to get some distance on this and bring myself back to the present

moment on

occasion.

2, I was able to stay with my truth which changed alot for the whole 4 months we

were

together.

3, because I spoke my truth eve on the day we split and told him I loved him and

didn't

blame hm for any of this

4, because I want him to be happy and be in his truth and his truth appears to

be that he

doesn't want to be with me right now.

5, because I'm not pushing down the feelings when they arise, i'm just allowing

them to

have their life.

6, I'm sitting here doing the work on this again because i want to be free

7, because this has inspired me to do the cerification programme and take over

the inquiry

circle.

8, because i was born and so it looks like i'm meant to be here.

9, I know deep in my heart that this is the best possible outcome for both of

us.

10, I had 2 friends wh came and gave me a sandwich hug this morning and told me

how

beautiful, amazing and sweet I was.

11, because I was able to reach out and ask for help

12 because yesterday I was able to have real clarity, be present and see all the

love around

me.

13, i'm still making it to work

14, i have been able to keep up a good routine of self care and honour myself.

15, I look good, am still moving out of my house.

16 because i am looking foward to this time alone to look ater myself

17, because I cook and clean for people everyday and help them out,

18, i pick up hitch hikers

19, i love cooking for people,

20, i have great nutrition skills, i'm a great facilitator.

21, i'm a great dancer

22, i have a very forgiving heart

23, i'm not too messy

24, i can drive

25, i live a wonderful life in hawaii

[Guest guest]

i DON'T KNOW HOW THIS WOrks as I am new to the site but if you get this I am

wondering where you are now with all this happening 3 years ago?

>

> Keep on keepin' on with The Work, Pip!

> You are an inspiration.

> -

>  Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love.

It will not lead you astray.

> Rumi

>

>

>

> there's something wrong with me

>

>

> I know i've done this one several times before but here it is again..

>

> 1, yes there must be if he dumped me

>

> 2, no it just happened the way it did.

>

> 3, I look over the relationship and i try and pinpoint what it was I did that

made him dump

> me, i feel guily and ashamed .I think that I was harsh sometimes with my

truth, I reflect

> back on any little thing I did or said over the past few weeks which would

have effcted

> him, I tell myself I'm an idoit for not recognising what I had until it was

too late. I chastise

> myself for not being loving enough back. I berate myself for chaning my mind

and blowing

> hot and cold and I beat up on myself for not making a commitment and for

falling in love

> with him just before he dumped me. I try and avoid this sinking feeling I have

by trying to

> work out a strategy to win him back. I feel defeated and then I jump into the

next

> relationship that I haven't even had yet and I tell myself it will be the same

and what's the

> point ..

> I feel hopeless. I cry, I curl up in a ball . I look for other people to tell

me i'm ok ..And I

> believe most of all that if he would take me back then It would mean I'm ok.

> I get to hold the identity of a victim and my mind gets to be right because he

finished with

> me and so therefore there must be something wrong with me .. here's my

evidence!!!

> the worst thng that could happen without this thought is that I'd never be

able to fix

> myself and then i'd always be broken and no it's not working ...

> I'm in his business , trying to work out what he thinks is wrong with me in

his mind.

> This thought brings me alot of stress

>

> 4, I would have woken up this morning , looking fowad to my day rather than

being

> obsessed by the day he split up with me .

> I would be peaceful and happy, I would happily let go of my love and wished

him the best

> of luck, I would be noticing all the love around me and not tring to get it

from someone

> who doesn't want to be with me anymore. I would be my own source of love,

sitting in my

> divinity, watching as it all unfolds with excitement at what might be my next

step.

> I would feel comfortable in my body. Life would be easy, I would embrase every

moment. I

> would be one hot momma ...I would be comforatble being angry, sad, crying,

moody,

> rude. I wouldn't be focused on Todd, I'd be getting on with my own life.. I

wouldn't be

> searching for love from anyone else.

> I would look at todd and want for nothing. I would be totally free and loving

...

>

> T.A There's nothing wrong with me

> 1, I just tried to stay married to my truth in the relationship and I guess

that wasn't how he

> wanted it to look.

> 2, He told me it wasn't that I did something wrong just that he had changed

his mind and

> wanted to be alone.

> 3, It's not personal, only the story he tells himself about me.

> 4, I'm still breathng, sleeping, eating, picking my nose..

>

> T.A There's something right with me

> 1, I'm able to get some distance on this and bring myself back to the present

moment on

> occasion.

> 2, I was able to stay with my truth which changed alot for the whole 4 months

we were

> together.

> 3, because I spoke my truth eve on the day we split and told him I loved him

and didn't

> blame hm for any of this

> 4, because I want him to be happy and be in his truth and his truth appears to

be that he

> doesn't want to be with me right now.

> 5, because I'm not pushing down the feelings when they arise, i'm just

allowing them to

> have their life.

> 6, I'm sitting here doing the work on this again because i want to be free

> 7, because this has inspired me to do the cerification programme and take over

the inquiry

> circle.

> 8, because i was born and so it looks like i'm meant to be here.

> 9, I know deep in my heart that this is the best possible outcome for both of

us.

> 10, I had 2 friends wh came and gave me a sandwich hug this morning and told

me how

> beautiful, amazing and sweet I was.

> 11, because I was able to reach out and ask for help

> 12 because yesterday I was able to have real clarity, be present and see all

the love around

> me.

> 13, i'm still making it to work

> 14, i have been able to keep up a good routine of self care and honour myself.

> 15, I look good, am still moving out of my house.

> 16 because i am looking foward to this time alone to look ater myself

> 17, because I cook and clean for people everyday and help them out,

> 18, i pick up hitch hikers

> 19, i love cooking for people,

> 20, i have great nutrition skills, i'm a great facilitator.

> 21, i'm a great dancer

> 22, i have a very forgiving heart

> 23, i'm not too messy

> 24, i can drive

> 25, i live a wonderful life in hawaii

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi,

What stuck me most in your sharing was the statement

And I believe most of all that if he would take me back then It would mean I'm

ok. 

You are OK, is that true?

That is where I would go.

Subject: Re: there's something wrong with me

To: Loving-what-is

Date: Tuesday, November 29, 2011, 12:36 PM

 

i DON'T KNOW HOW THIS WOrks as I am new to the site but if you get this I

am wondering where you are now with all this happening 3 years ago?

>

> Keep on keepin' on with The Work, Pip!

> You are an inspiration.

> -

>  Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love.

It will not lead you astray.

> Rumi

>

>

>

> there's something wrong with me

>

>

> I know i've done this one several times before but here it is again..

>

> 1, yes there must be if he dumped me

>

> 2, no it just happened the way it did.

>

> 3, I look over the relationship and i try and pinpoint what it was I did that

made him dump

> me, i feel guily and ashamed .I think that I was harsh sometimes with my

truth, I reflect

> back on any little thing I did or said over the past few weeks which would

have effcted

> him, I tell myself I'm an idoit for not recognising what I had until it was

too late. I chastise

> myself for not being loving enough back. I berate myself for chaning my mind

and blowing

> hot and cold and I beat up on myself for not making a commitment and for

falling in love

> with him just before he dumped me. I try and avoid this sinking feeling I have

by trying to

> work out a strategy to win him back. I feel defeated and then I jump into the

next

> relationship that I haven't even had yet and I tell myself it will be the same

and what's the

> point ..

> I feel hopeless. I cry, I curl up in a ball . I look for other people to tell

me i'm ok ..And I

> believe most of all that if he would take me back then It would mean I'm ok.

> I get to hold the identity of a victim and my mind gets to be right because he

finished with

> me and so therefore there must be something wrong with me .. here's my

evidence!!!

> the worst thng that could happen without this thought is that I'd never be

able to fix

> myself and then i'd always be broken and no it's not working ...

> I'm in his business , trying to work out what he thinks is wrong with me in

his mind.

> This thought brings me alot of stress

>

> 4, I would have woken up this morning , looking fowad to my day rather than

being

> obsessed by the day he split up with me .

> I would be peaceful and happy, I would happily let go of my love and wished

him the best

> of luck, I would be noticing all the love around me and not tring to get it

from someone

> who doesn't want to be with me anymore. I would be my own source of love,

sitting in my

> divinity, watching as it all unfolds with excitement at what might be my next

step.

> I would feel comfortable in my body. Life would be easy, I would embrase every

moment. I

> would be one hot momma ...I would be comforatble being angry, sad, crying,

moody,

> rude. I wouldn't be focused on Todd, I'd be getting on with my own life.. I

wouldn't be

> searching for love from anyone else.

> I would look at todd and want for nothing. I would be totally free and loving

...

>

> T.A There's nothing wrong with me

> 1, I just tried to stay married to my truth in the relationship and I guess

that wasn't how he

> wanted it to look.

> 2, He told me it wasn't that I did something wrong just that he had changed

his mind and

> wanted to be alone.

> 3, It's not personal, only the story he tells himself about me.

> 4, I'm still breathng, sleeping, eating, picking my nose..

>

> T.A There's something right with me

> 1, I'm able to get some distance on this and bring myself back to the present

moment on

> occasion.

> 2, I was able to stay with my truth which changed alot for the whole 4 months

we were

> together.

> 3, because I spoke my truth eve on the day we split and told him I loved him

and didn't

> blame hm for any of this

> 4, because I want him to be happy and be in his truth and his truth appears to

be that he

> doesn't want to be with me right now.

> 5, because I'm not pushing down the feelings when they arise, i'm just

allowing them to

> have their life.

> 6, I'm sitting here doing the work on this again because i want to be free

> 7, because this has inspired me to do the cerification programme and take over

the inquiry

> circle.

> 8, because i was born and so it looks like i'm meant to be here.

> 9, I know deep in my heart that this is the best possible outcome for both of

us.

> 10, I had 2 friends wh came and gave me a sandwich hug this morning and told

me how

> beautiful, amazing and sweet I was.

> 11, because I was able to reach out and ask for help

> 12 because yesterday I was able to have real clarity, be present and see all

the love around

> me.

> 13, i'm still making it to work

> 14, i have been able to keep up a good routine of self care and honour myself.

> 15, I look good, am still moving out of my house.

> 16 because i am looking foward to this time alone to look ater myself

> 17, because I cook and clean for people everyday and help them out,

> 18, i pick up hitch hikers

> 19, i love cooking for people,

> 20, i have great nutrition skills, i'm a great facilitator.

> 21, i'm a great dancer

> 22, i have a very forgiving heart

> 23, i'm not too messy

> 24, i can drive

> 25, i live a wonderful life in hawaii

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>