Re: inquiry - people should prefer me

[Guest guest]

" they are choosing each other because they think they can get

their needs to be happy better met through those people. not because they

think those people are better than me. and they're probably right. "

interesting comment by you. you might want to investigate it. what is your proof

for all of this? Is it really true, can you know that they believe their need to

be happy is better met through other people than you? How does your thought make

you feel and what if you dropped your thought?

also, you mention Susie, Jenn, , , and Katia and want each

of them to be connected to only you. And yet you want to be connected to at

least each of these 6 people and maybe others. Maybe you could take a look at

that.

Vivian

inquiry - people should prefer me

*1) Is it true?

*susie and jenn should ask me to go with them to the park and prefer my

company over others. michelle should have only wanted me to be her favorite

playmate. nathan should give me more attention than tisha and he should

prefer me. kevin should only want me as his companion and life partner...he

should prefer me to other women. katia should not have fun with other

friends and she should always prefer to be with me.

*What's the reality of it?*

they don't. all these people sometimes prefer my company and sometimes

don't. mostly don't.

*

Whose business is it?

*Theirs.

*

2) Can you absolutely know it's true?

*No, especially since it's not even my business.

*

And it means that...

*when people don't prefer me, it means that i'm no good. that i'm a loser.

that i am a reject. that i can't get it right. it means i'm separate.

*

What do you think you would have?

*i would have proof that i'm worthy and loveable. i would have connection.

*What's the worst that could happen?

*i could end up lonely and rejected, feeling the constant pain of

separation, and die.

*

3) How do you react when you think that thought?

*I feel a sharp pain in my chest. i feel incredibly jealous of others that

i perceive are preferred over me. i feel sick in my stomach. i measure how

much attention is given to others compared to me. i feel guilty for not

spending more time with people so that they could choose me. i withdraw. i

really feel like shit. i want to hide, and sometimes do. i purposefully

avoid susie and jenn. i avoid being with nathan and tisha at the same time.

i'm constantly mad at michelle for picking favorites. i can't give of

myself completely to any of these people, or kevin, because i feel hurt

and/ or afraid of being hurt.

*Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don't)

*yes

*4) Who would you be without that thought?*

*

*

i would be in my own business. i would accept me as i am and them as they

are. i would be open to love. i would be present. i would be loving myself

and them. in the little time that i do run into them, i would be open for

connection instead of closed off and hiding.

*Turnaround*

*

**to myself: *i should prefer myself. if i did that, i would be in my own

business. i would accept myself 100%, whether i'm social " enough " , pretty

" enough " , interesting " enough " or not. it wouldn't mean anything whether

others preferred me or not, because i would already be preferring myself.

*to the other*

*

**to the opposite: *i should prefer people. i don't prefer any of these

people...but only because i've made up that they are causing me to feel

bad. if i forgave that, saw through the lie that is, i would be free to

prefer them. they are choosing each other because they think they can get

their needs to be happy better met through those people. not because they

think those people are better than me. and they're probably right.

*

*

*For others... I am willing to/ I look forward to...

*

[Guest guest]

Dear Churyl,

> From: churyl

> To: Churyl Zeviar ; Loving What Is ; Doing The Work

> Sent: Tuesday, May 01, 2012 9:30 PM

> Subject: inquiry - people should prefer me

>

> *1) Is it true?

>

> *susie and jenn should ask me to go with them to the park and prefer my

> company over others. michelle should have only wanted me to be her favorite

> playmate. nathan should give me more attention than tisha and he should

> prefer me. kevin should only want me as his companion and life partner...he

> should prefer me to other women. katia should not have fun with other

> friends and she should always prefer to be with me.

>

yes. How can they be so egotistic and only bother about what *they* want, right?

> s*What's the reality of it?*

>

> they don't. all these people sometimes prefer my company and sometimes

> don't.

>

ok

> mostly don't.

>

really? How would *you* know? What is you proof? When do you feel it? On the

phone, when they tell you that they are going into the park with friends, and

you are not invited? When you call them up, and they happen to be in the park?

When they share with you, how they were in the park and hand fun?

And is it *reall* true, all of these people should always prefer to be with

you?? I don't know about you, but I can get nervous when too many people want to

spend time with me. Your idea of happiness sounds *very* exhausting to me! And

if I picture Susie and jenn and michelle and nathan and tisha and kevin AND

Katia around me all the time and giving me attention... don't you ever burp or

fart or take a dump or do anything else where you don't exactly want to have

peolpe around to witness and comment on it? Or just... I don't know... read a

book or do the work by yourself?

If all these people preferred you, you'd *never* be alone!

> *Whose business is it?

>

> *Theirs.

> *

> 2) Can you absolutely know it's true?

>

> *No, especially since it's not even my business.

> *

> And it means that...

>

> *when people don't prefer me, it means that i'm no good. that i'm a loser.

> that i am a reject. that i can't get it right. it means i'm separate.

>

separate from whom, exaclty?

What I am thinking now, is: it means that I have more time for myself! Want to

know people who like you? Go find them!

> What do you think you would have?

>

> *i would have proof that i'm worthy and loveable. i would have connection.

>

I would not have to be nice to anyone, so that he likes me. I would not have the

feeling that I have to *buy* approval (with money, looks, cakes... )

> *What's the worst that could happen?

>

> *i could end up lonely and rejected, feeling the constant pain of

> separation, and die.

>

die alone... I had a work about that, once... finally we get to do something

alone!

Pain is not constant. You have to keep it up, all the time.

> *

> 3) How do you react when you think that thought?

>

> *I feel a sharp pain in my chest. i feel incredibly jealous of others that

> i perceive are preferred over me. i feel sick in my stomach. i measure how

> much attention is given to others compared to me. i feel guilty for not

> spending more time with people so that they could choose me. i withdraw. i

> really feel like shit. i want to hide, and sometimes do. i purposefully

> avoid susie and jenn. i avoid being with nathan and tisha at the same time.

> i'm constantly mad at michelle for picking favorites. i can't give of

> myself completely to any of these people, or kevin, because i feel hurt

> and/ or afraid of being hurt.

>

Sounds like a hell of a person to be with...

And I hear you don't always prefer your friends and you don't always want to be

with them. And that you hold back. Connect with that.

How are they supposed to like you, if you don't show them, who you are?

How do you treat them, when you believe the thought, although it doesn't seem to

be true? Do you have certain strategies? How do you think about them, what do

you wish for them?

> *Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don't)

> *yes

>

> *4) Who would you be without that thought?*

> **

> i would be in my own business. i would accept me as i am and them as they

> are. i would be open to love. i would be present. i would be loving myself

> and them. in the little time that i do run into them, i would be open for

> connection instead of closed off and hiding.

>

that does sound attractive.

> *Turnaround*

> *

> **to myself: *i should prefer myself. if i did that, i would be in my own

> business. i would accept myself 100%, whether i'm social " enough " , pretty

> " enough " , interesting " enough " or not. it wouldn't mean anything whether

> others preferred me or not, because i would already be preferring myself.

>

> *to the other*

> *

> **to the opposite: *i should prefer people. i don't prefer any of these

> people...but only because i've made up that they are causing me to feel

> bad.

>

Well, do you have to *prefer* one of them over the others? Do you?

> if i forgave that, saw through the lie that is, i would be free to

> prefer them. they are choosing each other because they think they can get

> their needs to be happy better met through those people. not because they

> think those people are better than me. and they're probably right.

>

And you would like them for who they are, not for them pretending to prefer you

when they'd rather be with someone else.

> *

> *

> *For others... I am willing to/ I look forward to...

>

>

did you stop here?

* people should *not* prefer me!

yes, sometimes they shouldn't

Who would you be, in a world where no one likes you, if you could not think that

thought?

I am willing to experience for people not to prefer me.

I am looking forward to people not prefering me.

Yeah! More time to myself!

[Guest guest]

Just wanted to say your feedback has been super helpful. I feel like I've

had a wonderful shift in thinking. Thank you so much!

> **

>

>

> Dear Churyl,

>

>

> > From: churyl

> > To: Churyl Zeviar ; Loving What Is ; Doing The Work

> > Sent: Tuesday, May 01, 2012 9:30 PM

> > Subject: inquiry - people should prefer me

> >

> > *1) Is it true?

> >

> > *susie and jenn should ask me to go with them to the park and prefer my

> > company over others. michelle should have only wanted me to be her

> favorite

> > playmate. nathan should give me more attention than tisha and he should

> > prefer me. kevin should only want me as his companion and life

> partner...he

> > should prefer me to other women. katia should not have fun with other

> > friends and she should always prefer to be with me.

> >

> yes. How can they be so egotistic and only bother about what *they* want,

> right?

>

> > s*What's the reality of it?*

>

> >

> > they don't. all these people sometimes prefer my company and sometimes

> > don't.

> >

> ok

>

> > mostly don't.

> >

> really? How would *you* know? What is you proof? When do you feel it? On

> the phone, when they tell you that they are going into the park with

> friends, and you are not invited? When you call them up, and they happen to

> be in the park? When they share with you, how they were in the park and

> hand fun?

>

> And is it *reall* true, all of these people should always prefer to be

> with you?? I don't know about you, but I can get nervous when too many

> people want to spend time with me. Your idea of happiness sounds *very*

> exhausting to me! And if I picture Susie and jenn and michelle and nathan

> and tisha and kevin AND Katia around me all the time and giving me

> attention... don't you ever burp or fart or take a dump or do anything else

> where you don't exactly want to have peolpe around to witness and comment

> on it? Or just... I don't know... read a book or do the work by yourself?

>

> If all these people preferred you, you'd *never* be alone!

>

> > *Whose business is it?

>

> >

> > *Theirs.

> > *

> > 2) Can you absolutely know it's true?

> >

> > *No, especially since it's not even my business.

> > *

> > And it means that...

> >

> > *when people don't prefer me, it means that i'm no good. that i'm a

> loser.

> > that i am a reject. that i can't get it right. it means i'm separate.

> >

> separate from whom, exaclty?

>

> What I am thinking now, is: it means that I have more time for myself!

> Want to know people who like you? Go find them!

>

>

> > What do you think you would have?

> >

> > *i would have proof that i'm worthy and loveable. i would have

> connection.

> >

> I would not have to be nice to anyone, so that he likes me. I would not

> have the feeling that I have to *buy* approval (with money, looks, cakes...

> )

>

>

> > *What's the worst that could happen?

> >

> > *i could end up lonely and rejected, feeling the constant pain of

> > separation, and die.

> >

> die alone... I had a work about that, once... finally we get to do

> something alone!

>

> Pain is not constant. You have to keep it up, all the time.

>

>

> > *

> > 3) How do you react when you think that thought?

> >

> > *I feel a sharp pain in my chest. i feel incredibly jealous of others

> that

> > i perceive are preferred over me. i feel sick in my stomach. i measure

> how

> > much attention is given to others compared to me. i feel guilty for not

> > spending more time with people so that they could choose me. i withdraw.

> i

> > really feel like shit. i want to hide, and sometimes do. i purposefully

> > avoid susie and jenn. i avoid being with nathan and tisha at the same

> time.

> > i'm constantly mad at michelle for picking favorites. i can't give of

> > myself completely to any of these people, or kevin, because i feel hurt

> > and/ or afraid of being hurt.

> >

> Sounds like a hell of a person to be with...

>

> And I hear you don't always prefer your friends and you don't always want

> to be with them. And that you hold back. Connect with that.

>

> How are they supposed to like you, if you don't show them, who you are?

>

> How do you treat them, when you believe the thought, although it doesn't

> seem to be true? Do you have certain strategies? How do you think about

> them, what do you wish for them?

>

>

> > *Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don't)

> > *yes

> >

> > *4) Who would you be without that thought?*

> > **

> > i would be in my own business. i would accept me as i am and them as they

> > are. i would be open to love. i would be present. i would be loving

> myself

> > and them. in the little time that i do run into them, i would be open for

> > connection instead of closed off and hiding.

> >

> that does sound attractive.

>

>

> > *Turnaround*

> > *

> > **to myself: *i should prefer myself. if i did that, i would be in my own

> > business. i would accept myself 100%, whether i'm social " enough " , pretty

> > " enough " , interesting " enough " or not. it wouldn't mean anything whether

> > others preferred me or not, because i would already be preferring myself.

> >

> > *to the other*

> > *

> > **to the opposite: *i should prefer people. i don't prefer any of these

> > people...but only because i've made up that they are causing me to feel

> > bad.

> >

> Well, do you have to *prefer* one of them over the others? Do you?

>

>

> > if i forgave that, saw through the lie that is, i would be free to

> > prefer them. they are choosing each other because they think they can get

> > their needs to be happy better met through those people. not because they

> > think those people are better than me. and they're probably right.

> >

> And you would like them for who they are, not for them pretending to

> prefer you when they'd rather be with someone else.

>

>

> > *

> > *

> > *For others... I am willing to/ I look forward to...

> >

> >

> did you stop here?

>

> * people should *not* prefer me!

> yes, sometimes they shouldn't

>

> Who would you be, in a world where no one likes you, if you could not

> think that thought?

>

> I am willing to experience for people not to prefer me.

>

> I am looking forward to people not prefering me.

> Yeah! More time to myself!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Congrats for doing the work and hanging in there Churyl.

And you can imagine how this will unfold and stick with

you as you continue to process some of the other beliefs

that you've found in this inquiry.

I remember that it was just a big load lifted off, as

it became totally clear that no stressful thoughts are

true, and that I had a real tool to inquire with.

And its's still useful anytime and everytime.

Blessings and keep up the good Work!