painful experience

[Guest guest]

i have this small and seemingly unimportant experience that whenever i

think of i experience great pain and remorse.

im a musician, and there was one night a month ago where i performed

on some small jazz club, it was i late night show after the main show.

we had a crowd ready from the previous show.

before the show i walked outside through the crowd, and saw a girl who

seemed beautiful to my eyes, so i got kinda nervous that i have her as

my crowed.

after couple of minutes i saw her also outside speaking on the phone.

i looked at her while trying not to stair.

then she hanged up and sat down and had a smoke..

i thought to myself i gotta do something, that it's an opportunity.

so i walked beside her as if it's nothing to do with her, and iv asked

if she was on the previous show or is she staying for the late night show.

she was extremely nice, she told me she's there with her parents from

the north, and laughed at herself that she's 28 years old and dating

her parents, i asked her if she likes jazz.. and it seemed she was

happy to speak to me, was my taste, liked the same music as i am

(which is rare by itself) and a nice girl in the right age.

i told her im the next to go on stage and she seemed impressed.

i was still kinda defensive trying to keep myself cool and fake

calmness, and then i told her " well.. i gotta go get ready " .

i don't know what came over me, some fear, i didn't wanted to ruin

this so i thought im making some sort of maneuver and that ill see her

later on and maybe make some move after she saw me perform.

thus the show rolled and i was thinking about her watching me all a

long, something that didn't quite help me perform as well as i could..

and the show was over.. and i went the crowd to look for her.. and she

was gone!

since then every time i think of her i feel as if iv lost the love of

my life or something, i feel iv blown it and that this symbolize how

something is wrong with me that i fuck up every opportunity, not to

mention how rare they are in my life in any way.

i dont have a well phrased thought about this to investigate, just the

image of her or the club is enough to cause an emotional stress.

i'll appreciate your observations.

facy.