Inquiry - I shouldn't hug kevin unless I know he wants it

[Guest guest]

I did 'the work' on my issues about how to be with kevin while we're in

this place of him not being sure he wants to be with me. Specifically how I

should act around him in terms of hugs. Any feedback appreciated.

*1) Is it true?

*

I don't know

*What's the reality of it?

*

I can't know whether he wants it or not. He can't know, either.

*Whose business is it?

*

I suppose it's his business.

*2) Can you absolutely know it's true?

*

No, I can't.

*And it means that...

*

I can't know if I'm being rejected or not.

*What do you think you would have?

*

A feeling of acceptance.

*What's the worst that could happen?

*

I could be rejected.

*What's the should?

*

People shouldn't be rejected by lovers.

*Where's your proof?

*

Hollywood movies, romance books

*Find your proof of truth*

I can't find any.

*3) How do you react when you think that thought?

*

I close up. I feel fear. i see him come through the door and not look at me

or smile or hug at me and I feel rejection. I want to connect with him and

give him a hug. When I do, he sometimes still seems distant and cold and

the fact that I'm a reject is confirmed. I can't quite remember giving him

a hug in this situation where he ends up being warm and smiling. I guess I

am afraid that he won't want the hug and I'll have bothered him. I feel

unloved. Unvalued. I withdraw.

*Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don't)

*

Yes, because it hurts.

*4) Who would you be without that thought?

*

I would see that his smiling or not smiling after a hug has absolutely

nothing to do with me. I would give him hugs and feel love pouring through

me regardless of his reaction. I would shift the energy in the room. I

would love

him unconditionally. It would be part of a butterfly effect that ripples

through the universe. I would be happy when he came home, instead of

scared. I would know my innocence. I would know I am Love, no matter how

acts or feels. I would sit back down at the table and feel happy that

I was my true self - Love. I would be free. I would be energized. I would

be modelling being present to the experience of love, no matter what the

external events, to Pierce. And . I would be appreciating him. I would

be in better health, because instead of fear and inflammation coursing

though my blood, it would be love and optimal glowing health.

Turnaround

*To myself: I shouldn't hug kevin unless I know I want it.*

Oh my goodness!!! So much more true! Wow...blowing my socks off. Yes. The

hugs are from my feelings of appreciation. They have nothing to do with him

wanting them, or deserving them, or reacting in a way that makes me feel

good. The hugs are about extending love, not about what I can get from

them. It's like I get a chance to correct what happened with my grandma all

over again. She appeared to me to hate me and I couldn't love her or hug

her. I could have shifted how I acted and felt, but I didn't know how. Now

I do.

*To the other: shouldn't hug me unless he knows he wants it.*

Yes, just as true. For all the reasons above. So hugging is not about the

receiver, it's about the giver. Just like how children and dogs are. They

don't worry about whether someone wants their affection. They just give it

because they want to.

*To the opposite: I should hug even if I don't know whether he wants

it.

*

Yes. Because it's from me and for me. It has nothing to do with him. If he

doesn't want it, I trust him to tell me so.

*I look forward to giving a hug and having him not smile afterwards.

*