Re: Fear of anihalation, identity crisis :(

[Guest guest]

Charlie, I like your idea of making a list of stuff that's bugging me

and finding out what this is really about. I think it's really

something to do with feeling invaded. Even beyond my KO issues and

experience with being invaded or erased by another person, I am just a

lot more introverted than DH and his family--and since they notice I'm

sad, they come and check on me every 5 minutes! I realized this

afternoon that it's been totally freaking me out because I use my

" alone time " to recover from stress by journaling, mediating, walking

alone etc. The extra attention is totally short-circuting my ability

to recover. Although well-intended, it reminds me way too much of my

nada who as soon as she frickin knew I was awake would expect me to

pay attention to her and stop what I was doing!

And I don't know what you are referring to with the " dark phoenix, "

but, jeeze that does sound like a good metaphor for what's going on

inside me right now! I can just imagine a puff of smoke coming out of

my head and a crispy bird flying out! --no, but seriously, I liked

the metaphor and am wondering if you made it up or if it's a reference

to something that you read.

Trish

> > > Hey everyone, I just wrote a post, had an " aha " and

> > rewrote this new

> > > version. Just working through this has been good, but I'd like the

> > > group's input on this.

> > >

> > > Recently, I've been feeling really freaked out. Things are upsetting

> > > me easily, I sometimes feel like a bottomless pitt over such

seemingly

> > > trivial things. I don't think I'm depressed because it usually only

> > > lasts for 4 hours max--I'll cry, sit in a stupor, curl up in a

ball in

> > > bed. Then I snap out of it, reason wit myself etc. It's not

> > > dissociation either--I know what that is. This is a new and weird

> > > experience for me.

> > >

> > > I originally thought this might be due to my recent overseas move,

> > > giving up my control of my environment, my financial security and my

> > > comforts in general--things that are not easy for me as a KO. But I

> > > think the REAl issue is that my new job here is going to mean

staying

> > > with my inlaws a couple of nights a week.

> > >

> > > I think I'm equating styaing with my inlaws with the experience of

> > > anihalation I used to have when I'd live with my parents for the

> > > summer durring college. Living with my parents over the summers

meant

> > > giving up my personality, my independance, my self-esteem. .

> > > .EVERYTHING. I remember feeling like I was in hell at those

> > > times--maybe this bottomless pitt feeling isn't so new after

all, it's

> > > just that I haven't experienced it since college.

> > >

> > > Phew, it's a relief to have pinned down where this is coming from.

> > > Have any of the rest of you had similar experiences? Does anyone

have

> > > ideas for calming down? I actually think learning to relax about

> > > staying with my in-laws would be good for me. I could rewrite my way

> > > of relating to parent figures. . .if only I could stop freaking out.

> > >

> > > Trish

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > ---------------------------------

> > > Cheap Talk? Check out Yahoo! Messenger's low PC-to-Phone call

rates.

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Charlie,

That is such a kewl idea about making a list and ranking it immediately. I

usually make a list, censor the real stuff that is bothering me, type it in

Chinese, so I can't read it, and then eat it with the fortune cookie. ha-aha

Just kidding. I love your idea and am going to give it a shot myself.

Thanks!

Greg.

charlottehoneychurch wrote:

Hi Trish,

It certainly does sound like a lot to handle. I think perhaps you are feeling

overwhelmed,

and your dark phoenix is kicking in, trying to cope for you. I know that I

easily feel

overwhelmed when I feel 'trapped' into doing something that I might not be

strong enough

for... even if it's something as simple as walking the dog or going to work when

I feel too

physically sick to do so. Try to remind yourself that you are not stuck in

this--if the job

doesn't work out, you won't do this forever? Try to remind yourself that just

because you

are w/your in-laws now doesn't mean you will be 'stuck' with them forever,

either? I think

the feeling of being trapped is definitely coming into play here. It might help

to again

remind yourself that you ARE strong, despite the nada tapes, and if push comes

to shove

you can do whatever is necessary to take care of yourself. Also it helps me

sometimes to

make a list of all the things that I think might be bothering me; then I rank

each one,

instinctively, as quickly as I can, to see what is actually bothering me. A lot

of times it's

not what I first thought. Good luck my dear!

Charlie

> > Hey everyone, I just wrote a post, had an " aha " and

> rewrote this new

> > version. Just working through this has been good, but I'd like the

> > group's input on this.

> >

> > Recently, I've been feeling really freaked out. Things are upsetting

> > me easily, I sometimes feel like a bottomless pitt over such seemingly

> > trivial things. I don't think I'm depressed because it usually only

> > lasts for 4 hours max--I'll cry, sit in a stupor, curl up in a ball in

> > bed. Then I snap out of it, reason wit myself etc. It's not

> > dissociation either--I know what that is. This is a new and weird

> > experience for me.

> >

> > I originally thought this might be due to my recent overseas move,

> > giving up my control of my environment, my financial security and my

> > comforts in general--things that are not easy for me as a KO. But I

> > think the REAl issue is that my new job here is going to mean staying

> > with my inlaws a couple of nights a week.

> >

> > I think I'm equating styaing with my inlaws with the experience of

> > anihalation I used to have when I'd live with my parents for the

> > summer durring college. Living with my parents over the summers meant

> > giving up my personality, my independance, my self-esteem. .

> > .EVERYTHING. I remember feeling like I was in hell at those

> > times--maybe this bottomless pitt feeling isn't so new after all, it's

> > just that I haven't experienced it since college.

> >

> > Phew, it's a relief to have pinned down where this is coming from.

> > Have any of the rest of you had similar experiences? Does anyone have

> > ideas for calming down? I actually think learning to relax about

> > staying with my in-laws would be good for me. I could rewrite my way

> > of relating to parent figures. . .if only I could stop freaking out.

> >

> > Trish

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > ---------------------------------

> > Cheap Talk? Check out Yahoo! Messenger's low PC-to-Phone call rates.

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I've just read about Charlie's idea about making a list, and that's

a good way to look at it.

I've been feeling really emotional/sad/scared/elated at being

NC/grieving over NC... and sometimes I can't pin point what it is

that I'm feeling. A list is a good idea... to get it down on paper.

I can see how that would really help.

> > > > Hey everyone, I just wrote a post, had an " aha " and

> > > rewrote this new

> > > > version. Just working through this has been good, but I'd

like the

> > > > group's input on this.

> > > >

> > > > Recently, I've been feeling really freaked out. Things are

upsetting

> > > > me easily, I sometimes feel like a bottomless pitt over such

> seemingly

> > > > trivial things. I don't think I'm depressed because it

usually only

> > > > lasts for 4 hours max--I'll cry, sit in a stupor, curl up in

a

> ball in

> > > > bed. Then I snap out of it, reason wit myself etc. It's not

> > > > dissociation either--I know what that is. This is a new and

weird

> > > > experience for me.

> > > >

> > > > I originally thought this might be due to my recent overseas

move,

> > > > giving up my control of my environment, my financial

security and my

> > > > comforts in general--things that are not easy for me as a

KO. But I

> > > > think the REAl issue is that my new job here is going to mean

> staying

> > > > with my inlaws a couple of nights a week.

> > > >

> > > > I think I'm equating styaing with my inlaws with the

experience of

> > > > anihalation I used to have when I'd live with my parents for

the

> > > > summer durring college. Living with my parents over the

summers

> meant

> > > > giving up my personality, my independance, my self-esteem. .

> > > > .EVERYTHING. I remember feeling like I was in hell at those

> > > > times--maybe this bottomless pitt feeling isn't so new after

> all, it's

> > > > just that I haven't experienced it since college.

> > > >

> > > > Phew, it's a relief to have pinned down where this is coming

from.

> > > > Have any of the rest of you had similar experiences? Does

anyone

> have

> > > > ideas for calming down? I actually think learning to relax

about

> > > > staying with my in-laws would be good for me. I could

rewrite my way

> > > > of relating to parent figures. . .if only I could stop

freaking out.

> > > >

> > > > Trish

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > ---------------------------------

> > > > Cheap Talk? Check out Yahoo! Messenger's low PC-to-Phone

call

> rates.

> > > >

> > > >