a rough night

[Guest guest]

I don't know if we're doing the right thing, but I don't know what else to

do...

My mom has been active and vibrant and happy on her own, playing her grand

piano, cuddling her dog, living her life in her home with for the last

few years since her husband died. She can't be alone due to behavior

changes and total loss of short term memory...her personal life and her

finances are a MESS from her trying to manage the last few years, and she

may very well lose her house anyway although for now it's ok, my sister is

working on all that.

Anyway, she is DESPERATELY unhappy. She wants to die rather than live

anywhere but her home. Tonight when we walked in the door to see her (as we

do every evening) she just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. This is not my

mother, and I hate it. I hate the disease but she really doesn't need to be

there, it is overkill, surrounded by people with whom she can't converse,

they're lined up in wheelchairs in the hallways, while she's 100% ambulatory

and self-care and seems totally out of place.

So why is she there...she can't be alone. Neither my sister nor I are able

to care for her. She has more and more periods of strange behavior but

they're still not frequent - not daily, not even weekly - but enough that

she can't be alone, when they happen. Her last few hospitalizations the

doctor and social workers keep telling me it's time for her to be in a

nursing home. This time I complied because her friend had moved out

after she, in one of her bizarre periods, blamed him for having an affair

(she's still quite active sexually, always has had a man in her life and

sometimes more that one!) and for stealing from her etc., she called 911 and

he'd simply had enough and left. But then a couple of days later she was

back to " normal " .

I am agonizing. I can't sleep. I break out in sobs at the drop of a hat.

She is so desperately unhappy and I know this isn't the place for her. She

misses her piano, she used to play all night long, and her dog (I take him

to visit her but she cries) and her home, although she can't remember what

her house looks like. Today she only wants to die to die - she and her

husband did have a suicide pact in case either of them should have become

incapacitated but he died before it could be carried out thank God! - kept

talking about her lack of hope, no reason to get up in the morning if it was

in that place with all those drooling staring faces, nobody to talk to....I

can't stand thinking I'm making the wrong decision for her but I don't know

what would be the right one! She doesn't have the funds for any place that

wouldn't be covered by medicaid, which is pending right now. I can put

myself in her place, and know she is right, she would still be able to live

in her home, if she had someone with her....awake with her, day and night,

since she very rarely sleeps.

She asks me over and over again, every few minutes, if she'll ever go home

again. I want so much for that to happen, I can't pull the funds out of

thin air that would pay for round the clock care; I live about 35 minutes

from her house, and operate my business out of a shop - really a huge,

professionally equipped kitchen - that added onto my house for me a

couple of years ago, so can't move there. There are 3 of us plus 12

parrots, 4 dogs and a cat in my 967 sq ft house, and no room for someone

else (and she smokes which we couldn't have here)...I can't pick up my shop

and take it there, but I wouldn't uproot my family and my daughter from her

school to move in with my mom either...

I feel so much guilt and don't know what to do, my husband is already at his

wit's end with my crying all the time, and with my mom's very spoiled dog

that isn't fitting in with our 3 very well...does anybody have anything that

might help me to see things differently, or things I haven't thought of, or

anything?

(I also want to talk about my conversations with her, what I've told her

about what's going on, etc...but I've taken enough of your time for one

evening I think...)

His,

Sherry

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