update on

[Guest guest]

I already wrote at length about Friday night but I don't know that I

mentioned that 's aide told me that she had been questioning her all

day about whether or not she was ever going to go home again...and that has

been the recurring theme. On Saturday we didn't visit her because she had a

very combative, angry period and was given Xanax and slept all day. (We've

made clear that we don't want to have more unhappy days than she needs

and would rather see her medicated than left crying or angry or overly

anxious since she doesn't have the ability to handle her emotions most of

the time.)

After all of my soul searching this weekend, I came to the conclosion that I

wasn't going to offer false hope just to make feel better. Yesterday

I asked her if she wanted me to be honest with her about everything that I

know, since she was having a lucid day - although very very depressed. Not

that I would be brutally honest with her but that I would stop saying things

like, " We don't know whether you'll go home or not " and start being more

honest in my replies to her questions. " Am I going to lose my house? "

" There are several leins on it, mom, there is a good chance it will be taken

to pay them off. " " Then where will I go? " " You have a room here, mom. "

" Am I going to live here forever then? My life is over. " " Your life is

different now, I know... " " I never thought it would end this way. " " Mom,

none of us know what our future will hold. Everybody's life turns out

differently but we all do the best we can with the cards we're dealt. " And

so forth...

Yesterday she was very very depressed, going from angry (but in control) to

sobbing. Trying to put the pieces together. Trying to accept that the

things she loved are gone or going. Begging me to take her to her house

just for a little while. (They won't let her kill herself at the NH and she

doesn't want to live.) Wanting to see her own doctor, who she thinks will

give her a clean bill of health and send her home. And the same things,

over and over and over again because she doesn't remember my answers from 2

minutes before.

However, a couple of times she asked, " Will I ever leave here, will you ever

take me out? " I assured her that once her meds are in place and doing what

they need to do to help her feel better, I could take her out to the Friday

night fish fries with us, she could go to church with us, or shopping with

Casey and I, or whatever. I reminded her that we are there almost every

day. I told her we could play duets on the piano (one of our favorite

things to do together), and color together - she loves to color, always has,

to relax. Then she'd go back to the crying and desperation, but at least

she is now looking at other possibilities. Or rather, she was yesterday, I

don't know what's going on today since I'm working. I told her, and the

nursing staff, that I wouldn't be there after work tonight because I'm

taking my daughter prom dress shopping...but the nurses are great about

calling me with any changes.

Friday morning is the first conference with the DON, SW, Activities Dir.,

and others. I'm very much looking forward to that, and to " The Plan " . But

as gently as I can, and balanced by some of the things she CAN look forward

to, I've started being honest with her about her future. I can't change it,

and I can't change the fact that her hope is in her things instead of her

family or other people or God (the Source of my own hope), but offering her

the answers to her questions more honestly rather than giving her false hope

for her future and at least giving her a chance to deal with it as best she

can, seems to be a better way to handle it.

I'm glad she was having a more lucid day yesterday and I was able to talk

more openly with her, whether she will remember it today or ever again, or

not...

His,

Sherry ('s daughter)

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