Re: Talked to about clothing situation...

[Guest guest]

Sherry, I forgot to mention that I went straight to Don, and reassured him

with a lot of hugs, kisses, and how much I loved him. Don was still able to

remember, and knew that I would do what I said. He just needed to be reassured.

I don't, and never have done anything without a lot of love.

Your Mother's situation is a different matter. But, still what said

sounds good to me. I'm glad you have formulated a different plan of action.

And can walk away enough times that it sinks in.

Love a lot dear Lady,

Imogene

In a message dated 5/27/2008 3:08:47 PM Central Daylight Time,

chiaowl@... writes:

is the social worker at King's. I explained what has been going on

with . I told her about finding even more clothes, etc. than we

originally knew she had, and how Gwen and I believe this is all the result

of an ongoing sickness, so I doubted we'd see resolution now, so how could

we proceed?

suggests that we tell that she is at her limit as to how many

clothes she can have there, and told me to have her talk to if she

has any questions about that; she also said that she'd talk to about

it as well. Of course, it will be forgotten, but told me that

there is no reason that I can't say, when I'm visiting and she starts to get

nasty, " I'm sorry you feel this way, I will come back when you're feeling

better, " and leave. She also said that if I want to take a few days off

from visiting for my own mental health, that there is no problem with that,

that my mom tells her and the other staff nearly every day that her family

never comes to see her...so she either forgets that we're there every day,

or she's manipulating the facts for attention, or whatever. Either way,

said that it probably won't make any difference to either

way.

But the main thing is that we can, and should be honest to a point, at least

in saying things like...I've done everything I can, the rest is out of my

control, I'm sorry it isn't enough...or for Pete to tell her that he won't

let her talk to his wife that way...or whatever. Enough to let her know

that we've done all we can with regard to her clothes, and that we can do no

more, this is how it is, period. And if she's still nasty, to dismiss

ourselves. This all makes sense to me, especially since she doesn't

remember - or says she doesn't remember - that we've been there anyway.

Pete also brought up an interesting thought just now: My mom wanted to go

home from the day she got to King's. Once we told her that her home isn't

her home anymore enough times, she eventually gave it up. Maybe instead of

telling her that her clothes are at Gwen's downstate, we should start

telling her that they're gone, that all she has is what is there with

her...hmmm...that will be true, after the estate sale, anyway...bears

considering.

Donna - Thank you for your thoughtful response . Redirecting doesn't

work, it's a fixation that simply won't go away and she can't be dissuaded.

She just gets angrier and angrier and the situation escalates. Thankfully,

I have never lost control with her, or said angry words in return for hers.

One day I had to walk away and take a few deep breaths, but I when I rant

about it, it's after I get home, or in the car with Pete. Not with, or at,

her .

Imogene - It seems naturally " right " to me to take the matter-of-fact

approach that you have used with Don, and that suggests. " This is

how things are, this is how they will be " and leave it up to her to deal

with them. I know that it will take repetition. I have found that a few

simple statements, repeated over and over again in response to her questions

or rants, have worked with other things, eventually she has " gotten it " (ie,

" Where is all of my money? " " Gwen is using it to pay your bills. " " Where

are my diamond rings? " " Gwen has them in her safe downstate. " " Why can't I

leave here? " " Your insurance won't allow it. " ) and evolved to, confirmation

of what she's been told. It's just not working with this whole clothing

issue.

Overall, I know that she gets her sense of value from what she has, and now

that she has nothing, she feels she has no value. I know that she has been

desperately searching for contentment and peace her entire life by buying

more and more and more, but that momentary " high " disintegrates in short

order and she needs to feed that obsession again, never finding what she's

searching for. And I know that, now that she's lost control, she's blaming

Gwen and I for that. This I understand, and don't blame her for. (I've

known her my whole life and come to terms with who she is and what - rather

than who - she values long ago, for the most part.) So really I was rather

blindsided by my strong emotional responses. I guess I needed some plan of

action or words to say for when she gets so nasty, and knowing now that I

don't have to sit there and take it just because she has a disease has been

enormously helpful; having definite plans in mind of what I can say and do

when it comes up again has relieved me of the pressure I was feeling the

first time I wrote today.

Thank you my friends. Being able to lean on the experiences of you have

made all the difference for me, and I am so very very grateful!

His,

Sherry

www.owly.net

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[Guest guest]

Sherry, I was so glad to read your post, I have these days with my Dad

also about going home to his house and going through his stuff. If

seems as though he thinks he is just in the hospital and will get to

go home soon. Just yesterday he was making plans to go home this week-

end, about having the meals-on-wheels again and living back at his

house. We do still have the house as I too have to have a hugh sale

to get rid of all of the accumulation of 87 years. Being from the

depression era seems to have caused him to have saved just about

everything. I am going through the stuff now doing an inventory for

the courts (guardianship) and found coffee cans full of used nails,

bolts, screws and the like. And this is the stuff my sister's moved

here to his new house when he moved to live closer to me. Guess he

wasn't having any of throwing stuff away at that time. Now since he's

no longer living in the house I can toss this useless junk at will,

thank goodness. I don't think any one wants to buy old empty plastic

butter or peanut butter containers, do you??? So instead of clothes

my Dad collected old nuts, bolts, nails, electrical parts and boxes of

old radio/tv tubes. Do you remember those? Tubes for TVs and Radios,

now that was a long time ago, don't know exactly what to do with that

kind of stuff. Think clothes would be alot easier to sell.

Well I wish us both luck in our ventures into the estate sale world,

sounds like we both have our work cut out for us. I always thought

Dad's obsession with this stuff was strange even as a kid, seems like

he's always been a pack rat. It makes me get rid of everything I

don't need, cause I don't want to have to put anyone else though this

one day.

>

> is the social worker at King's. I explained what has been

going on

> with . I told her about finding even more clothes, etc. than

we

> originally knew she had, and how Gwen and I believe this is all the

result

> of an ongoing sickness, so I doubted we'd see resolution now, so how

could

> we proceed?

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Meri,

You can sell the old tubes on e-bay or craigslist. I have old radio tubes,

fuses and train track stuff that was in the basement when we bought our house

and I can't tell you how many people have asked me to sell to them if it comes

up in conversation.

You can probably sell a lot of other stuff you think is useless too. My dad

has all kinds of nuts and bolts and tools that we thought were useless until a

plumber came to fix a few things around the house and said he couldn't fix

certain things because it was impossible to get the old fittings. We showed him

dad's cans of stuff and he found everything he needed.

http://www.freecycle.org is another option for stuff you just want to get rid

of. Lots of artists like myself find and get rid of unusual stuff that no one

in their right mind would normally want. I had several broken sewing machines I

was going to use in an installation piece that I never did. I gave them to an

artist that makes lamps out of vintage appliances. Even old TVs that didn't

work found their way into someone's art.

See what's new at Figure Photos & Anacostia Fine Art

Be my friend on MySpace http://www.myspace.com/figurephotos

[Guest guest]

Meri Jane ~

I don't know how much you'd get for plastic butter and peanut butter

containers, but I think that if you put old radio and TV tubes on ebay, you

might get a few bucks from them. There are sitll plenty of people out there who

restore old radios and TVs, and are constantly scavenging for parts! My brother

collects and restores old cameras, and he finds the parts for them on ebay also.

Just a suggestion...

Jannis

" They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up

with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; they shall walk and not

faint. " -- Isaiah 40:31

[Guest guest]

>

>Adrienne & Jannis, Hey thanks for the information. Yes the plastic

butter and peanut butter containers went in the trash, but I was

thinking e-bay/craigslist for the tubes myself. I plan on putting all

the antique stuff into a pile and getting an appraisal on everything

at one time before moving forward with all of that stuff. My Dad was

born in 1920 and still has all his train sets and toys from when he

was a kid. Also has alot of the old dishes from his Mom & possibly

Grandmother. He really saved everything. All kinds of old Olympic

stuff, campaign buttons, you name it-he saved it. It was weird cause

it was all boxed up and marked in the storage sheds and garages on his

property where he moved from. Again thanks for the info. Meri Jane

[Guest guest]

Purging for my recent move across Canada I had things I boxed to bring, things I

sold

locally, things I sent to Sally Ann and a huge ebay pile that went out the door

with a friend

who sells on ebay for a living. They loaded the back seat of their pick up, the

truck bed

and a small trailer. Things have been selling for 7 months now, over $800

later. I'm glad I

didn't attempt to do it myself as time was at a premium. I will warn you

though, it is

difficult at times to see treasures of yours or your LO online, being offered

for sale. It

seems such a strange forum to see some of my mother's things on. However, it

worked

for me!

Gibsons BC

Mother died Aug. 12, 2006 at age 92 after a 13 year decline from PDD.

> >

> >Adrienne & Jannis, Hey thanks for the information. Yes the plastic

> butter and peanut butter containers went in the trash, but I was

> thinking e-bay/craigslist for the tubes myself. I plan on putting all

> the antique stuff into a pile and getting an appraisal on everything

> at one time before moving forward with all of that stuff. My Dad was

> born in 1920 and still has all his train sets and toys from when he

> was a kid. Also has alot of the old dishes from his Mom & possibly

> Grandmother. He really saved everything. All kinds of old Olympic

> stuff, campaign buttons, you name it-he saved it. It was weird cause

> it was all boxed up and marked in the storage sheds and garages on his

> property where he moved from. Again thanks for the info. Meri Jane

>