My 26 year old son should be working earning and taking his responsibility.

[Guest guest]

Re: My 26 year old son should be working and taking his

responsibility.

Dear Anamika,

Thank you for your work.Thankyou for this opportunity and your time . I

am new here and could be making mistakes while doing the work

online.Please correct me if I break any rules here.

Am 14.06.2012 um 19:44 schrieb Alka:

> I am worried about my son's life, and that he is not doing the right

thing. He

is not working and earning or studying ahead.

>

> 1.Is it true?

> Yes.

>

I don't know to which of your thoughts you are asking this question.

Keep it

simple: use a judgement.

I should not be worried about ...

My son SHOULD be doing " the right thing "

He should be working and...

It can get confusing when you do multiple thoughts at once, and it's

easier to

loose track. Be kinder to yourself. Do one step at a time. You deserve

it.

> 2.Can I be absolutely sure that it is true?

> NO.

>

Why not? Did you sit with it? If the " No " comes out of " knowledge " , it's

more of

a rehearsal and not the real thing. What is you inner voice telling

you?I haven't quite understood the 2nd q more than diving inside my

heart and seeing that there could be nuances and aspects which I may not

know about, only the other person and God know about which I am

overlooking in following this belief/thought.

Here you have the opportunity to delve deeper.

What is the reason behind your worries, can you be more specific? What

is the

worst that could happen, if he continued with this path? Look at your

fears.

With the work, you can do it from a distance. You don't have to treat

them as

real.

What is " the right thing " , according to you?

Is it in his best interest that he worked and earned or studied ahead,

NOW? And

can you be sure, he won't start doing exaclty that, tomorrow?

Is it in YOUR best interst that he did that? Why? What exactly do you

believe

you'd get. THAT is what you really want and you can ask yourself if you

really

can only get it through your son.So this makes it clearer. I didn't

realize there are so many qs to this one. It'll come to me in time, as I

practise this. :)I am beginning to realize, it's more for my peace of

mind that I want him to do this. I have difficulty in taking care of

myself with my beliefs and thoughts and issues. Plus all our

relatives/friends constantly asking me what is he doing? hwy isn't he

working ?I want him to stop hiding from the world and start facing it.

(ouch! more beliefs surface).

> 3.How do i react when I believe this thought?

> I feel sick in my solar plexus. I feel anxious. I feel my body going

limp and

weak.

>

Sounds painful enough.

> I doubt him. I let this come between our otherwise beautiful

relationship. I

feel helpless and a failure. I feel like shaking him up from his sleep.

I feel v

guilty because I see him doing what I do. I am a bad role model for him

and I

haven't ever worked hard the way I expect him to do. I don't talk to him

at

times because I want to protect him from my anger and pain. i might say

something that might hurt him. I start looking for solutions outside

rather than

turning inwards towards my inner wisdom . I feel guilty that he is so

patient &

understanding with me and here I seem to be letting him down. I myself

have not

quite taken responsibility for anything and am a dependent person and I

expect

him to do otherwise. Ha!. I react angrily to him coz I think he is being

stubborn and selfish.

>

Good ones. You are stirring up a lot of stuff, here. Notice how you try

to

manipulate him with word, actions, looks... and how that feels, inside

of you.

When you see that, you can stop blaming him for what you are feeling.

It's not

his doing, it's yours.

And notice how you think it makes him feel, when you do each of these

things.

> I don't quite see a good reason to drop this thought.

>

ask this question after you have answered number 4.

> 4.Who am I without this thought?

> I feel free. With my eyes closed I see myself with my son. I see his

innocence and purity. I trust him and am kind and firm with him. I go to

my

inner wisdom in silence w/o the negative nagging and hopeless thoughts.

I find

my guiding solutions there. I'd be clear and firm with him. There would

be no

drama at my end. No sarcasm. Just clarity , firmness , hearing each word

he

says ,love and a sense of belonging.

>

Do you *now* see any good reason to let go of this thought? I see

clarity,

firmness, love...

Those are a lot of good reasons.

Sometimes, I like to take this further: who would I be, if I didn't have

the

thought that *anyone* should work and earn money? Who would I be,

sitting in

this chair? Who would I be amongst a lot of non-working people?

No offense here, but I feel an anger rising within me. being on the

internet the whole night and then getting up the next day at noon. His

younger sister sees all this and is affected by this. We all feel lousy

about it.Eating unhealthy, not meeting with friends and family.Sigh!

and sorry.Remember, that it is only a question. You don't *have to* let

go of the thought.

No one is asking you to do that. You are only investigating what you get

out of

it (number 3) and what you'd have without it (number 4)

And the thought doesn't give you a reason not to support him. Letting go

of the

thought doesn't mean you have to support him.

" LETTING GO OF THE THOUGHT DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO SUPPORT HIM. I CAN SAY

NO AND LOVE HIM. " THIS IS A FOREIGN LANGUAGE. RATHER I DON'T KNOW THIS

LINE OF THOUGHT.HOW CAN I SAY NO AND LOVE HIM? WOW! I CAN SAY NO AND

LOVE SOMEBODY.

You can say " no " and love him.

> Turnaround.

> 1. I am worried about my life and that I am not doing the right thing.

I am

not working and earning or studying ahead .

> TRUER. a) I have enough of my own health and conflicting issues. How

do I

handle those and his.

> Yes, I am not handling his case maturely. I stand by him

at times & then start parroting that he should do a writer's course. I

keep

swinging between his father and him.

> c) If I want to give him a prescription of working or

studying ahead, where am I pursuing my dreams of studying ahead or

earning some

money to decrease the load of my husband and be a role model to my son

and also

inspire him.

>

That sounds like something you can share with your son, if he wants to

hear it.

Tell him about your dreams, your fears. If you don't want to do that in

person,

write a letter to him. You never have to send it, you never have to let

anyone

else read it. Or write the letter to yourself. Will do. The dreams I

shall use in my visualization diary.

> 2. My son is worried about my life and I am not doing the right thing.

I am

not working and earning or studying ahead.

> AS True. a) My son is concerned about my health, esp my anxiety which

has at

times ruled the house. He cares for me deeply inside and helps me with

my

health issues and any help I ever ask him for.

> He has always inspired me to work and write since he

believes I have a flair for it. He supports me emotionally here and is

ready to

help me do something to earn or study.

> c) My depression and anxiety of the recent past could be

coming in his way to move ahead. He is very close to me and My anxiety

and

depression over the past few years may have unsettled him even though he

never

says so.

>

Notice how you are in his business, here. AND you still see that he is

caring.

And I see love for your son.Thankyou for being kind to me . Yes, if I

did my job just as he is doing his, then I wouldn't be having more than

half the issues I have.

> 3. I am not worried about my son's life and that he is doing the right

thing.He is working and earning or studying ahead.

> AS TRUE. a) I am worried about myself and my life. My current issues

and my

future. He is coming in the way. (Oh God! what a thing I've unearthed!)

if I was

worried about him as I martyr like believe, I'd be loving, patient and

committed

to him. i'd be genuinely concerned and listening to each word he said.

>

> He is doing the right thing considering he has

been brought up by a confused low self esteemed anxious depressed

mother. he has

done quite well in that circumstance.

> c) He did a job. He does whatever work of the house

I ask him to.

>

Good work!

Thank you,

[Guest guest]

Dear Anamika,

> Thank you for your work.Thankyou for this opportunity and your time . I

> am new here and could be making mistakes while doing the work

> online.Please correct me if I break any rules here.

>

Don't worry. No rules.

>> Am 14.06.2012 um 19:44 schrieb Alka:

>> > I am worried about my son's life, and that he is not doing the right

>> thing. He is not working and earning or studying ahead.

>> >

>> > 1.Is it true?

>> > Yes.

>> >

>> I don't know to which of your thoughts you are asking this question.

>> Keep it simple: use a judgement.

>> I should not be worried about ...

>> My son SHOULD be doing " the right thing "

>> He should be working and...

>>

>> It can get confusing when you do multiple thoughts at once, and it's

>> easier to

>> loose track. Be kinder to yourself. Do one step at a time. You deserve

>> it.

>>

>> > 2.Can I be absolutely sure that it is true?

>> > NO.

>> >

>> Why not? Did you sit with it? If the " No " comes out of " knowledge " , it's

>> more of

>> a rehearsal and not the real thing. What is you inner voice telling

>> you?

>>

> I haven't quite understood the 2nd q more than diving inside my

> heart and seeing that there could be nuances and aspects which I may not

> know about, only the other person and God know about which I am

> overlooking in following this belief/thought.

>

Well, the other person and God have their own business to attend. Here you are

brought back to YOUR business.

When I ask my self: " Is it REALLY true " ... I must have a reason to believe the

thought, now I can find it. And I better look everywhere, if only to be sure I

did look everywhere and it's not there: can I absolutely know it's the best for

my PATH? For HIS path? For ANYONE's path? Am I REALLY right, should he? (do

whatever I think he should be doing...).

>> Here you have the opportunity to delve deeper.

>>

>> What is the reason behind your worries, can you be more specific? What

>> is the

>> worst that could happen, if he continued with this path? Look at your

>> fears.

>> With the work, you can do it from a distance. You don't have to treat

>> them as

>> real.

>>

>> What is " the right thing " , according to you?

>>

>> Is it in his best interest that he worked and earned or studied ahead,

>> NOW? And

>> can you be sure, he won't start doing exaclty that, tomorrow?

>> Is it in YOUR best interst that he did that? Why? What exactly do you

>> believe

>> you'd get. THAT is what you really want and you can ask yourself if you

>> really

>> can only get it through your son.

>>

> So this makes it clearer. I didn't

> realize there are so many qs to this one. It'll come to me in time, as I

> practise this.

Yes, it will.

You can go as deep as you want with any one of these questions. Some people have

many additional questions, which help them to inquire deeper. I always found

them confusing; there being so many of them, I would not really go inside while

answering them.

> I am beginning to realize, it's more for my peace of

> mind that I want him to do this. I have difficulty in taking care of

> myself with my beliefs and thoughts and issues.

>

That's a good find! Remember that next time you want him to change. And it's

something you can share, if you feel it might help, because it is something

*you* want. And be aware that your request might be in the way of your son's

path.

> Plus all our

> relatives/friends constantly asking me what is he doing? hwy isn't he

> working ?

>

> I want him to stop hiding from the world and start facing it.

> (ouch! more beliefs surface).

>

Well, what do *you* do when they ask? Do you pretend that he is doing " better "

(according to your or THEIR measures) than he actually is?

Do YOU hide him from the world?

" He should start facing the world " ... and I hear that that's what he is doing.

Here's another one: " Our friends should not ask me what he is doing " - Is it

true?

>> > 3.How do i react when I believe this thought?

>> > I feel sick in my solar plexus. I feel anxious. I feel my body going

>> limp and

>> weak.

> >

> Sounds painful enough.

>

>>> > I doubt him. I let this come between our otherwise beautiful

>>> relationship. I

>>> feel helpless and a failure. I feel like shaking him up from his sleep.

>>> I feel v

>>> guilty because I see him doing what I do. I am a bad role model for him

>>> and I

>>> haven't ever worked hard the way I expect him to do. I don't talk to him

>>> at

>>> times because I want to protect him from my anger and pain. i might say

>>> something that might hurt him. I start looking for solutions outside

>>> rather than

>>> turning inwards towards my inner wisdom . I feel guilty that he is so

>>> patient &

>>> understanding with me and here I seem to be letting him down. I myself

>>> have not

>>> quite taken responsibility for anything and am a dependent person and I

>>> expect

>>> him to do otherwise. Ha!. I react angrily to him coz I think he is being

>>> stubborn and selfish.

>>>

>> Good ones. You are stirring up a lot of stuff, here. Notice how you try

>> to

>> manipulate him with word, actions, looks... and how that feels, inside

>> of you.

>> When you see that, you can stop blaming him for what you are feeling.

>> It's not

>> his doing, it's yours.

>> And notice how you think it makes him feel, when you do each of these

>> things.

>>

>>> > I don't quite see a good reason to drop this thought.

>> ask this question after you have answered number 4.

>

>>> > 4.Who am I without this thought?

>>> > I feel free. With my eyes closed I see myself with my son. I see his

>>> innocence and purity. I trust him and am kind and firm with him. I go to

>>> my

>>> inner wisdom in silence w/o the negative nagging and hopeless thoughts.

>>> I find

>>> my guiding solutions there. I'd be clear and firm with him. There would

>>> be no

>>> drama at my end. No sarcasm. Just clarity , firmness , hearing each word

>>> he

>>> says ,love and a sense of belonging.

>> >

>> Do you *now* see any good reason to let go of this thought? I see

>> clarity,

>> firmness, love...

>>

>> Those are a lot of good reasons.

>>

>> Sometimes, I like to take this further: who would I be, if I didn't have

>> the

>> thought that *anyone* should work and earn money? Who would I be,

>> sitting in

>> this chair? Who would I be amongst a lot of non-working people?

> No offense here, but I feel an anger rising within me.

>

None taken. Take that anger into consideration. It's good you don't pretend not

to be angry. That's the pain you are interested in. What got you to inquiry in

the first place. It shows you where your fears are. What you want to explore.

> being on the

> internet the whole night and then getting up the next day at noon. His

> younger sister sees all this and is affected by this. We all feel lousy

> about it. Eating unhealthy, not meeting with friends and family.Sigh!

> and sorry.

>

I see. Your son has a lot of responsibilities. He is responsible for all of your

lifes. And his. All he has to do is eat unhealthy and not go to work and your

whole world goes down the drain.

I he really has all this power over you, he might be freeing all of you.

But no: you know better. YOU are responsible for all of your lifes.

I hear that your strategy of blaming him and separating doesn't work for you.

Maybe his does.

Dear Anamika, this is not about finding out how to get your son to be less

himself, and more how you want him to. You already have a lot of strategies for

that.

This is about you claiming back your life and free yourself from your dependance

on your son (thoughts).

The anger you feel is about someone not agreeing with what you sacredly hold

truth. It's just... you don't believe it either, and deep inside you know it.

Holding onto it, connects you with this feeling of anger, and what you get, is

what you felt when you answered no. 3.

Do a Judge-Your-Neighbour worksheet on your son. So you can get out all the

resentment you have.

Do you resent him for things you think you want to do? I don't think you really

want to do these things, yourself.

So let me repeat that part:

> being on the

> internet the whole night and then getting up the next day at noon. His

> younger sister sees all this and is affected by this. We all feel lousy

> about it. Eating unhealthy, not meeting with friends and family.Sigh!

> and sorry.

>

Remember, this is not about changing your son. You are already trying to do that

and it's not working. This is about investigating your patterns.

" He should not be on the internet 'the whole night'... " - is it true? Who

determines the " right " amount? Did you ask him to stay below that? And is it

really " the whole night " - even according to your definition? How often does it

happen? How often should it happen?

He is going over boundaries you are not clear of, yourself. I don't hear that he

is lying about what he is doing.

" He should not affect his younger sister " - is THAT true? Either he does, or he

doesn't. Get clear about what you want. And if you might decide, that it's for

everyone's best, that he never affected your daughter AT ALL... (it's not up to

you wich lessons she learns) I am sure you would know what to do.

" He should not make us all feel lousy " - is THAT true? EVERYONE is feeling lousy

because of him? All the time? How much making you feel lousy is ok?

" He should not eat unhealthy " - you have a lot of rules, here - is THAT true?

Never, ever, anything? How much is ok, and what is healthy?

And " he should meet friends and family " - is it true? The one's who ask why he

is not working, all the time? How much should he meet them?

This one reaction got you a lot of accumulated beliefs. Your idea of a perfect

son in a perfect world. He eats what you want, teaches his sister what you want,

meets as much with his family as you want, although they ask him why he is not

working, and goes onto the interne at the hours you specify. There is a lot of

emotion around these. That is what you are looking for. Your guidance for what

to inquire into.

You have rules for how your son should live. Write them down. And inquire.

And take all the rules and beliefs that withstand inquiry and continue to hold

them sacred and defend them. Because that's how the world should turn. Instead

of the way you see it turning. It'll be a lot of work, but worth the effort.

BUT... also take each of the thoughts that does not withstand inquiry...

actually, if it doesn't stand inquiry, you'll laugh about having ever believed

it, anywa. :-)

>> Remember, that it is only a question. You don't *have to* let

>> go of the thought.

>> No one is asking you to do that. You are only investigating what you get

>> out of

>> it (number 3) and what you'd have without it (number 4)

>>

>> And the thought doesn't give you a reason not to support him. Letting go

>> of the

>> thought doesn't mean you have to support him.

> " LETTING GO OF THE THOUGHT DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO SUPPORT HIM. I CAN SAY

> NO AND LOVE HIM. " THIS IS A FOREIGN LANGUAGE. RATHER I DON'T KNOW THIS

> LINE OF THOUGHT.HOW CAN I SAY NO AND LOVE HIM? WOW! I CAN SAY NO AND

> LOVE SOMEBODY.

>

Can you see it? If you need any more assistance, let us know.

Letting go of the thought doesn't mean you have to say " no " .

Saying " no " doesn't mean you don't love him.

What you have been trying to do so far, is not to say " no " , but then to act as

if you had said " no " and him not having cared, not having listened. So if you

say " no " , you speak your truth. You can not pretend to be ok with it, and expect

become that. What you can do is to share your fears and thoughts, connect with

your son and see him for how he is. He IS responsible for his path, for his

life, for his thoughts. There is nothing you can do about it. And there is

nothing you can do not to love him.

>> You can say " no " and love him.

>

>>> > Turnaround.

>>> > 1. I am worried about my life and that I am not doing the right thing.

>>> I am

>>> not working and earning or studying ahead .

>>> > TRUER. a) I have enough of my own health and conflicting issues. How

>>> do I

>>> handle those and his.

>>> > Yes, I am not handling his case maturely. I stand by him

>>> at times & then start parroting that he should do a writer's course. I

>>> keep

>>> swinging between his father and him.

>>> > c) If I want to give him a prescription of working or

>>> studying ahead, where am I pursuing my dreams of studying ahead or

>>> earning some

>>> money to decrease the load of my husband and be a role model to my son

>>> and also

>>> inspire him.

>>> >

>> That sounds like something you can share with your son, if he wants to

>> hear it.

>> Tell him about your dreams, your fears. If you don't want to do that in

>> person,

>> write a letter to him. You never have to send it, you never have to let

>> anyone

>> else read it. Or write the letter to yourself. Will do. The dreams I

>> shall use in my visualization diary.

another thought on this is: if you get excited about studying, and tell him what

you will do and why and you do it out of your heart, and not to manipulate him,

then you have something to connect in. This doesn't mean that he'll start to

study, all of a sudden. But he will see how attractive it makes you, he will see

the joy you will have, and you will teach him, that studying is something YOU

want to do. Instead of something he fears might away his freedom and his

originality. Instead of something he SHOULD do to give you one less thing to

worry about (he can't even know it would make you happy. You would probably find

something else to busy yourself with). So that YOU can check one point off YOUR

to-do list. And tell yourself the story how you HELPED your son to become what

HE wants.

>>> > 2. My son is worried about my life and I am not doing the right thing.

>>> I am

>>> not working and earning or studying ahead.

>>> > AS True. a) My son is concerned about my health, esp my anxiety which

>>> has at

>>> times ruled the house. He cares for me deeply inside and helps me with

>>> my

>>> health issues and any help I ever ask him for.

>>> > He has always inspired me to work and write since he

>>> believes I have a flair for it. He supports me emotionally here and is

>>> ready to

>>> help me do something to earn or study.

>>> > c) My depression and anxiety of the recent past could be

>>> coming in his way to move ahead. He is very close to me and My anxiety

>>> and

>>> depression over the past few years may have unsettled him even though he

>>> never

>>> says so.

>>> >

>> Notice how you are in his business, here. AND you still see that he is

>> caring.

>> And I see love for your son.

>>

> Thankyou for being kind to me .

You are welcome.

> Yes, if I

> did my job just as he is doing his, then I wouldn't be having more than

> half the issues I have.

>

Sounds like a good place to start! Half the issues off your bat with ONE strike!

Sounds easier than trying to change him. For how long have you been trying? And

how long would this new idea take you?

>>> > 3. I am not worried about my son's life and that he is doing the right

>>> thing.He is working and earning or studying ahead.

>>> > AS TRUE. a) I am worried about myself and my life. My current issues

>>> and my

>>> future. He is coming in the way. (Oh God! what a thing I've unearthed!)

>>> if I was

>>> worried about him as I martyr like believe, I'd be loving, patient and

>>> committed

>>> to him. i'd be genuinely concerned and listening to each word he said.

>>> >

>>> > He is doing the right thing considering he has

>>> been brought up by a confused low self esteemed anxious depressed

>>> mother. he has

>>> done quite well in that circumstance.

>>> > c) He did a job. He does whatever work of the house

>>> I ask him to.

>>> >

>> Good work!

Thank you,