Re: inquiry - kevin shouldn't blame me for his problems

[Guest guest]

Dear Churyl,

Am 15.06.2012 um 06:12 schrieb churyl:

> *1) Is it true?*

> absofrickinlutely!

>

> *What's the reality of it?*

> he does.

>

> *Whose business is it?*

> his

>

> *2) Can you absolutely know it's true?*

> no. he did blame me. it's where he's at. it wouldn't bother me if i didn't

> believe something that isn't true. him saying that is helping me find what

> i'm believing that isn't true.

>

How did he do that? What did he say? What else did you hear? What did he do?

> *And it means that...*

> he hates me and doesn't appreciate me or love me.

>

wow.

> *What do you think you would have?*

> peace and love

>

is this the answer to what you had, if he did not blame you?

> *What's the worst that could happen?*

>

(if he continues blaming you for his problems?)

> i could be stuck in a household of being hated.

>

stuck, how? The doors are locked?

> *What's the should?*

> Boyfriends should be loving and nice.

>

> *Where's your proof?*

> hollywood! lol. romance novels...sigh...i can't think of proof in actual

> life. in fact, i can think of lots of proof to the opposite.

>

In most movies I can recall, the boyfriend starts of by being a bitch and then

changes. Or she drops him, and finds someone else...

> *3) How do you react when you think that thought?*

>

> i feel horrible. i feel incredible hate for him, which is really for me. i

> feel hurt. i want to break up with him. i recall all my other grievances

> with him, like he's not affectionate enough, not attentive enough, too

> negative, not happy enough. i focus on the things i don't like about him

> and feel sorry for myself. i want to confront him and tell him how wrong he

> is. i build a case for me and against him in my head. i tell myself i

> deserve better, that he's a lemon, that he tricked me into thinking he

> would be a more loving partner than he is. i have pain in my chest.

>

So, that's what a girlfriend should be like, right?

> *Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don't)*

> yes

>

> *4) Who would you be without that thought?*

>

So?

> Turnaround

>

> *to myself: i shouldn't blame myself for his problems.*

> this is so true. this is actually the first thought i had when he blamed me

> for being angry this morning. i knew it was all in his head, at least the

> degree to which he was getting angry and blaming me...was that it wouldn't

> hurt unless i believed him in some way. he can never ever hurt me. only i

> can. so why am i believing that i'm to blame? i could have compassion,

> instead. smile at him, like i would my precious child if he were

> tantruming, and just be available to help and love.

>

good one.

> *to the other: i shouldn't blame kevin for my problems.*

> ugh. i didn't see this one coming. but, dammit, it's true. i don't want

> kevin to blame me, and here i am blaming him for being a lemon, for being

> too negative and making me unhappy, for not being affectionate enough and

> making me unhappy. i'm blaming, blaming, blaming him for stuff that is not

> his fault. he can never make me unhappy. only i can.

>

and you blame him for you being angry at him.

Can you find more of your problems you are blaming him for? Like: literally?

> *to the opposite: kevin doesn't blame me for his problems*.

> ayyyy. that's true, too. he would be the first one to say that it's his

> issue. that he is too negative, too picky, too uptight, too bound up in

> scarcity. he spends hours a day meditating trying to fix himself because he

> knows that he's creating his issues. he has told me i'm a fantastic mom and

> a great person.

>

Another good find.

> For others... I am willing to/ I look forward to...being blamed for others'

> problems.

>

Does this work? For ? Can you look forward to him blaming you for his

problems?

thank you for your work!

Hugs,

[Guest guest]

> **

>

>

> Dear Churyl,

>

> Am 15.06.2012 um 06:12 schrieb churyl:

>

> > *1) Is it true?*

> > absofrickinlutely!

> >

> > *What's the reality of it?*

> > he does.

> >

> > *Whose business is it?*

> > his

> >

> > *2) Can you absolutely know it's true?*

>

> > no. he did blame me. it's where he's at. it wouldn't bother me if i

> didn't

> > believe something that isn't true. him saying that is helping me find

> what

> > i'm believing that isn't true.

> >

> How did he do that? What did he say? What else did you hear? What did he

> do?

>

*He said, " I liked it when you were out of town last week. " And I made it

become a reason to feel separate. Rejected. And then I rejected him in my

mind. All painful and all buying into an illusion. *

>

> > *And it means that...*

>

> > he hates me and doesn't appreciate me or love me.

> >

> wow.

>

> > *What do you think you would have?*

> > peace and love

> >

> is this the answer to what you had, if he did not blame you?

>

*yes*

>

> > *What's the worst that could happen?*

> >

> (if he continues blaming you for his problems?)

>

>

> > i could be stuck in a household of being hated.

> >

> stuck, how? The doors are locked?

>

> *stuck in my mind. stuck in buying the false idea that i am rejected and

separate and that it's a painful thing. maybe i should do the work on

separation somehow?*

> > *What's the should?*

>

> > Boyfriends should be loving and nice.

> >

> > *Where's your proof?*

>

> > hollywood! lol. romance novels...sigh...i can't think of proof in actual

> > life. in fact, i can think of lots of proof to the opposite.

> >

> In most movies I can recall, the boyfriend starts of by being a bitch and

> then changes. Or she drops him, and finds someone else...

>

> > *3) How do you react when you think that thought?*

>

> >

> > i feel horrible. i feel incredible hate for him, which is really for me.

> i

> > feel hurt. i want to break up with him. i recall all my other grievances

> > with him, like he's not affectionate enough, not attentive enough, too

> > negative, not happy enough. i focus on the things i don't like about him

> > and feel sorry for myself. i want to confront him and tell him how wrong

> he

> > is. i build a case for me and against him in my head. i tell myself i

> > deserve better, that he's a lemon, that he tricked me into thinking he

> > would be a more loving partner than he is. i have pain in my chest.

> >

> So, that's what a girlfriend should be like, right?

>

*LOL! *

>

> > *Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don't)*

> > yes

> >

> > *4) Who would you be without that thought?*

> >

> So?

>

> > Turnaround

> >

> > *to myself: i shouldn't blame myself for his problems.*

>

> > this is so true. this is actually the first thought i had when he blamed

> me

> > for being angry this morning. i knew it was all in his head, at least the

> > degree to which he was getting angry and blaming me...was that it

> wouldn't

> > hurt unless i believed him in some way. he can never ever hurt me. only i

> > can. so why am i believing that i'm to blame? i could have compassion,

> > instead. smile at him, like i would my precious child if he were

> > tantruming, and just be available to help and love.

> >

> good one.

>

> > *to the other: i shouldn't blame kevin for my problems.*

>

> > ugh. i didn't see this one coming. but, dammit, it's true. i don't want

> > kevin to blame me, and here i am blaming him for being a lemon, for being

> > too negative and making me unhappy, for not being affectionate enough and

> > making me unhappy. i'm blaming, blaming, blaming him for stuff that is

> not

> > his fault. he can never make me unhappy. only i can.

> >

> and you blame him for you being angry at him.

>

> Can you find more of your problems you are blaming him for? Like:

> literally?

>

*so true...i blame him for being angry at him. he is just doing what god

does through him. and i am too. maybe i should forgive us both. *

>

> > *to the opposite: kevin doesn't blame me for his problems*.

>

> > ayyyy. that's true, too. he would be the first one to say that it's his

> > issue. that he is too negative, too picky, too uptight, too bound up in

> > scarcity. he spends hours a day meditating trying to fix himself because

> he

> > knows that he's creating his issues. he has told me i'm a fantastic mom

> and

> > a great person.

> >

> Another good find.

>

>

> > For others... I am willing to/ I look forward to...being blamed for

> others'

> > problems.

> >

> Does this work? For ? Can you look forward to him blaming you for his

> problems?

>

*does this work? not sure i understand. i can look forward to him blaming

me for his problems because it gives me great chances to practice seeing

others' behavior not as an attack, but as a cry for love in their own

world. i can practice staying in love and connection instead of jumping to

separation.*

>

> thank you for your work!

>

> Hugs,

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Churyl,

…

>>> *2) Can you absolutely know it's true?*

>>> no. he did blame me. it's where he's at. it wouldn't bother me if i

>>> didn't

>>> believe something that isn't true. him saying that is helping me find

>>> what

>>> i'm believing that isn't true.

>> How did he do that? What did he say? What else did you hear? What did he

>> do?

> *He said, " I liked it when you were out of town last week. " And I made it

> become a reason to feel separate. Rejected. And then I rejected him in my

> mind. All painful and all buying into an illusion. *

Right, without it you could go, like: hey, I liked to be out of town, too! It

was actually a very fun experience!

;-)

…

>>> i could be stuck in a household of being hated.

>> stuck, how? The doors are locked?

> *stuck in my mind. stuck in buying the false idea that i am rejected and

> separate and that it's a painful thing. maybe i should do the work on

> separation somehow?*

Well, aren't you stuck in your mind, already? And separate? Isn't this exactly

how you divorce someone?

You could do the work on: he should not reject me... but I feel you are already

doing that, aren't you?

…

>>> *to the other: i shouldn't blame kevin for my problems.*

>>> ugh. i didn't see this one coming. but, dammit, it's true. i don't want

>>> kevin to blame me, and here i am blaming him for being a lemon, for being

>>> too negative and making me unhappy, for not being affectionate enough and

>>> making me unhappy. i'm blaming, blaming, blaming him for stuff that is

>>> not

>>> his fault. he can never make me unhappy. only i can.

>>>

>> and you blame him for you being angry at him.

>>

>> Can you find more of your problems you are blaming him for? Like:

>> literally?

>

> *so true...i blame him for being angry at him. he is just doing what god

> does through him. and i am too. maybe i should forgive us both. *

And maybe you find even more ways that you blame him, in the next days. And

everytime you do, you can share, apologize, make amends... or just notice and

think about this work. And maybe you even get to laugh about it!

…

>>> For others... I am willing to/ I look forward to...being blamed for

>>> others'

>>> problems.

>>>

>> Does this work? For ? Can you look forward to him blaming you for his

>> problems?

> *does this work? not sure i understand. i can look forward to him blaming

> me for his problems because it gives me great chances to practice seeing

> others' behavior not as an attack, but as a cry for love in their own

> world. i can practice staying in love and connection instead of jumping to

> separation.*

That sounds like it does work for you.

hugs,