emotions & other things

[Guest guest]

I wanted to comment on the emotions topic because I went looking for this

group on a sad, depressed day a couple of weeks ago. Russ's response struck

a chord for me, though it's interesting that my " worst time " was when I was

enjoying a lot of success!

Prior to last summer, I'd approached my illness with a certain amount of

disbelief - so much so that when my medicine ran out I'd wait a few months

before getting it refilled. Rarely went to the doctor. Since my diagnosis 6

years ago I'd left my job, started my own business, went skydiving,

white-water rafting, etc. - all the thing I'd wanted to do but never did. I

watched my daughter graduate high school and enter college, went to plays,

had season tickets for the Yankees and just felt like everything was

together. I been dating around and then I met someone I thought was meant

for me.

Then last summer I got the news that liver failure was a strong possibility

in my future - and I got depressed. I was convinced I was going to die and

felt everything had unravelled. I struggled to be positive, but for every

good day there were a dozen bad ones. I had trouble talking to people about

what was happening because I didn't want to feel sorry for myself

;unfortunately, I was still feeling sorry for myself. I just thought talking

about it would feed the sadness, so I shut down. I'd open up for a few days

if I had to go for a procedure , but then I'd go back to trying not to talk

about my illness.

(Hey, I'm a guy, I'm not supposed to talk about my feelings :-))

I do some volunteer work, and was asked to speak to a group of people who

were struggling with life(financially and emotionally). What I discovered

when I spoke to these people was that I didn't want to trade places with

them - even with my disease. I realized I had a good life with problems -

some big, some small, but still I had a good life. And when I read the

postings of this group I realized that I wasn't alone - I'd joined a " leaky

boat " as one person said, but at least there were other people trying to

keep it afloat. I got some professional help and found that I didn't have a

healthy outlet for stress and anger, so I committed to an exercise program

to channel this energy in a more positive way. The therapist helped me see

that even if my worst fears were true, I should try and get more out of life

than ever before. I guess more than anything, I discovered that I could sit

on the couch and feel sad, or go out and live life and feel sad, but at

least I'd be having some fun if I went out.

I still have bad days, but not as often. I have set times for the gym and

other activities, and I try to stick to that schedule. I have goals and

dreams and try to work toward them. I look for people like Russ, because he

sounds positive and that's what I want to be. Positive. Besides, he likes to

ski.

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