Re: At a loss.....I think I need to start therapy

[Guest guest]

Joyce, my husband and I provided hospice care for his mother and what

we were repeatedly told and experienced was that the primary thing

caretakers need is a break to take care for themselves. In your case,

this would mean you taking care of your father for a bit so your

mother can have break to take care of *herself* - a concept a BP would

obviously not get.

You are not a mean person for not caring about her anymore. It is a

natural reaction to a lifetime of dealing with your mother's

irrational and selfish behavoir. Knowing she is sick does not make

faking a relationship any more palatable, or possible.

Seeing a therapist is a good idea. Dealing with any BP is confounding

and the predicament with your father makes your situation even more

perplexing. You need and deserve the insight working with a good

therapist can offer.

Caitlyn

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much, Caitlyn. I believe I will begin therapy when we get to

Florida. I feel as though I don't want to inflict the burden of my confusion

and hurt onto my husband. I have watched my mother torment her husband for 20+

years. While I am not BPD I do know that I have adopted unhealthy habits and

have so much built up that I need to unload it somewhere besides my home. I

do try to unburden my mother but it never seems like enough. The more I help

with the more helpless and entitled she becomes. I know I have the right to

feel mad but , Oh my gosh, I get so mad. I can't help it. So, thanks for the

kind words. I think I will start therapy right away. I'm afraid I will bawl

the entire first session but, hey, if I do so be it. Thanks again.

Joyce

buscar4paz wrote: Joyce,

my husband and I provided hospice care for his mother and what

we were repeatedly told and experienced was that the primary thing

caretakers need is a break to take care for themselves. In your case,

this would mean you taking care of your father for a bit so your

mother can have break to take care of *herself* - a concept a BP would

obviously not get.

You are not a mean person for not caring about her anymore. It is a

natural reaction to a lifetime of dealing with your mother's

irrational and selfish behavoir. Knowing she is sick does not make

faking a relationship any more palatable, or possible.

Seeing a therapist is a good idea. Dealing with any BP is confounding

and the predicament with your father makes your situation even more

perplexing. You need and deserve the insight working with a good

therapist can offer.

Caitlyn

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[Guest guest]

I agree entirely with Caitlyn.

If you would like to see your father and spend some time with him, maybe you

could offer to step in for a while so that your nada can take a break. She may

not see this as a good deed and instead accuse you of trying to get rid of

her...blah, blah, BPD paranoid accusations that last all day! But YOU will know

why you are there- to see your father.

I still feel guilty a lot about not loving my nada. Society say we should love

our mothers, but they don't know that so many are nadas walking around in

mothers' clothing. I just can't do it anymore. I stay away from her b/c when I

am near her I " pretend " to be ok and then later feel like a sell-out for

tolerating her behavior.

Just thought I'd share,

Adria

buscar4paz wrote:

Joyce, my husband and I provided hospice care for his mother and what

we were repeatedly told and experienced was that the primary thing

caretakers need is a break to take care for themselves. In your case,

this would mean you taking care of your father for a bit so your

mother can have break to take care of *herself* - a concept a BP would

obviously not get.

You are not a mean person for not caring about her anymore. It is a

natural reaction to a lifetime of dealing with your mother's

irrational and selfish behavoir. Knowing she is sick does not make

faking a relationship any more palatable, or possible.

Seeing a therapist is a good idea. Dealing with any BP is confounding

and the predicament with your father makes your situation even more

perplexing. You need and deserve the insight working with a good

therapist can offer.

Caitlyn

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[Guest guest]

Hi, Joyce!

Oh yeah, can I EVER relate to what you've written -- and it's so not surprising

your nada would manufacture a break-down just in time for your visit to make

HERSELF the center of attention instead of your dad!

In fact, everything you wrote is so typically BP that it seems redundant for me

to say that my nada is exactly like this -- the cruelty, the self-centeredness,

the hostility toward others, the bottomless pit of NEED and self-pity....

Therapy's always a good thing. To me, it sounds like you've got a lot of guilt

for not being able to always take the High Road with your nada now that your

dad's at the end of his life. And then more guilt for caving to your nada's

demands when you DO take the high road and spend time with them. She's

typically set you up in a no-win situation: she tortures and manipulates you

when you're there, and then she punishes your dad and demonizes you when you're

not.

How I see it is that yeah, BPD is a mental illness -- but it also makes those

inflicted act in such cruel and abusive ways that it's almost impossible to

ALWAYS keep your own perspective and have the inner strength to not take their

manipulations and abuse personally. Give yourself a break for being human and

reacting to it!

What I'd do in this situation is try to NOT allow her to be the focus of your

time and attention during your up-coming visit. I say, no way should you sit

around playing cards with her! Yuck. Who really cares what she needs to feel

better? Trying to make a BP happy is an exercise in futility anyway. Think of

some things you could do during your visit that YOU might actually enjoy (with

my nada, I usually make her take me shopping for clothes or things for my son --

or sometimes we take walks along the beach -- since these are things I'd enjoy

doing anyway.) I could be wrong, but it sounds like you want to be there for

YOUR DAD -- not her -- can you spend the next few days coming up with new

strategies or boundaries that would help you take the focus off your nada and

back on your dad instead? (ly, given his health, it sounds like HE'S the

one to be spending alone-time with, playing cards and such!)

You're not an angry child. You're an adult trying to deal with a nada's

insanity as best as you can -- and you don't have to fake niceness or pretend

everything's fine for her sake. YOU can decide what you're willing to do with

her, how much time and attention you're willing to give her, and create rules

and boundaries that protect and honor your true self.

I'm finding, with my nada, the more protected I feel, the easier it is for me to

be genuinely nice and relaxed around her (most of the time!) If she says or

does something I find annoying or overly-dramatic, I'll say so, but not in an

overly-belligerant way (because I'm not an overly-belligerant person.) If she

wants to split me black sometimes because of anything I've said or done (does

the moon come out at night?) she can go ahead and do it, but I contnue to be my

nice normal self regardless. This gives me the strength not to buy into her

insanity and keep my peace of mind when she's around (and also has the happy

side-effect of minimizing the amount of time she keeps me split-black.)

I refuse to allow her to force me into NOT being genuine or true to myself

anymore -- THAT'S the dynamic she set up when I was a child, when SHE set the

rules and I had to play along to survive. For me, THAT'S the truly childish

behavior, because it was literally started when I was a child! To survive,

there were only two modes of behavior (and neither were my real self): there

was " Good Me " who played nice and gave her the attention and total enmeshment

she wanted, and then there was " Bad Me " who was belligerent and defiant and

refused to play by her rules. I completely went along with her black-or-white

thinking in terms of how I thought of myself and how I'd behave.... I really

only had these two modes of behavior around her, either all-good (and fake) or

all-bad (and fake).... when in reality, I'm just a normal person who is

sometimes tolerant, sometimes petty or impatient, just like everyone else!

So, the more compassion I have for " Bad Me, " and the more I create new

boundaries to protect " Good Me, " the more I realize the answer is just in being

my GENUINE Me around this psycho, regardless of whether HER perception of me is

split black or white at that moment. (And believe me, my nada can split me

several times a day like a ping-pong ball! It was exhausting trying to play

along with her.)

Anyhow, sorry to ramble on so long -- and I hope this made some kind of sense!

But I do think you're right and should reward yourself with some therapy when

you get back from this trip. God knows we can all use it around here!

Shana

At a loss.....I think I need to start therapy

To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Today, two days before my DH and I go to FL for the winter, my Nada

> has decided to have a nervous breakdown. It's an official one

> (diagnosed by the Dr.) and she promptly blames the entire thing

> on my

> Father who is sick with cancer for eight years now. As she is telling

> me this I say that I will not take sides and that she has been caught

> in this cycle of blame and unhappiness for much longer than eight

> years and that she should get some help. She proceeds to weep and

> scream about how I am the one who always puts myself in the middle,

> that I always make her marital problems my business (stop

> telling me

> about it!!!!) and that I make her so much worse and how could I

> be so

> unsupportive during this... her very worst of days. She said

> that I

> needed to understand that " caregivers " (which is laughably how she

> refers to herself and the passive aggressive abuse she heaps

> upon my

> father) often reach the end of their ropes and it is my responsibility

> as " family " to provide her with outings, distractions, hugs,

> chocolates, an occasional card ect. and that i was failing at this.

> For my entire life she has had many of these weeping nutties.

> She

> also inflicts her Poor me statements into every conversation we have

> ever had. She has Hated everyone in our family at one time or

> another and she cannot exist without crisis. So last year I finally

> distanced. She bemoaned how cruel and unavailable I am. She punished

> my sick father for my absence in her life. I broke and made myself

> available in order to help him as he is in the end of his life.

> So

> here we are about to go down to florida (eight miles from her house)

> and my mother is having a very WELL-timed breakdown. She is

> trying to

> hold me hostage with her, " all I need are visits, and card

> games. "

> She is an endless PIT of neediness. So please, someone tell me

> how to

> pretend. My brother yelled at me saying that my being blunt

> with her

> is making the situation worse because she cannot help

> herself...she is

> sick. But I have reached a point in my own anger where I cannot just

> sit and smile and play cards so that my dad can live his life

> peacefully. I KNOW she is mentally unstable but I can't let go of

> the feeling that is is ON PURPOSE. I can't stop being mad. I ,

> honest to god, would LOVE to just play nice. She's seeing a shrink

> now. If I could only fake it. I don't know what to do. I feel

> like a horrible mean person because I don't care about her

> anymore.

> If I met some mentally ill person on the steet I could be

> pleasant and

> kind. I can't even be that with my own mother anymore. I feel like

> an angry child with a chip on my shoulder.

>

> Joyce

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Joyce,

You are NOT a " horrible, mean person " at all. You have been through

a lot. Sure, you would be kind to an ill person on the street...

they have not done this kind of damage in your life and caused you

pain.

I too, fight between " do I pretend to play nice, " or choose another

option, such as just start screaming. Don't feel guilty. I feel like

a bad kid too sometimes, but I know I am not and neither are you.

Grace

>

> Today, two days before my DH and I go to FL for the winter, my Nada

> has decided to have a nervous breakdown. It's an official one

> (diagnosed by the Dr.) and she promptly blames the entire thing on

my

> Father who is sick with cancer for eight years now. As she is

telling

> me this I say that I will not take sides and that she has been

caught

> in this cycle of blame and unhappiness for much longer than eight

> years and that she should get some help. She proceeds to weep and

> scream about how I am the one who always puts myself in the middle,

> that I always make her marital problems my business (stop telling

me

> about it!!!!) and that I make her so much worse and how could I be

so

> unsupportive during this... her very worst of days. She said that

I

> needed to understand that " caregivers " (which is laughably how she

> refers to herself and the passive aggressive abuse she heaps upon

my

> father) often reach the end of their ropes and it is my

responsibility

> as " family " to provide her with outings, distractions, hugs,

> chocolates, an occasional card ect. and that i was failing at

this.

> For my entire life she has had many of these weeping nutties.

She

> also inflicts her Poor me statements into every conversation we

have

> ever had. She has Hated everyone in our family at one time or

> another and she cannot exist without crisis. So last year I

finally

> distanced. She bemoaned how cruel and unavailable I am. She

punished

> my sick father for my absence in her life. I broke and made

myself

> available in order to help him as he is in the end of his life.

So

> here we are about to go down to florida (eight miles from her

house)

> and my mother is having a very WELL-timed breakdown. She is

trying to

> hold me hostage with her, " all I need are visits, and card

games. "

> She is an endless PIT of neediness. So please, someone tell me

how to

> pretend. My brother yelled at me saying that my being blunt with

her

> is making the situation worse because she cannot help

herself...she is

> sick. But I have reached a point in my own anger where I cannot

just

> sit and smile and play cards so that my dad can live his life

> peacefully. I KNOW she is mentally unstable but I can't let go of

> the feeling that is is ON PURPOSE. I can't stop being mad. I ,

> honest to god, would LOVE to just play nice. She's seeing a

shrink

> now. If I could only fake it. I don't know what to do. I feel

> like a horrible mean person because I don't care about her

anymore.

> If I met some mentally ill person on the steet I could be pleasant

and

> kind. I can't even be that with my own mother anymore. I feel

like

> an angry child with a chip on my shoulder.

>

> Joyce

>