Re: has anyone else experienced this???

[Guest guest]

Sure, and you just listen to your own advice that you wrote; print it out and

save it - carry it with you - for times when you get triggered again with this

flea. You are growing right threw this!!

Greg.

whatacutemom wrote:

I need some advice. I am still seeing things in myself that I have

picked up from nada, and a lot of times I don't even know it's there

until something triggers it.

Tonight my hubby and I were having this arguement, and at one point

there was a miscommunication and he thought I was being dishonest

about something. I totally FLIPPED OUT at the idea that he thought I

was dishonest. I was fine until that point, and then I just got so

upset. We kept talking, and of course we figured it all out, but one

thing I realized was that I could not handle the thought that he

could even THINK I could be dishonest about anything, no matter how

small.

My nada has several things she will say about a person when

splitting them black... " manipulative, controlling, divisive, and

DISHONEST. "

I think that I have spent all my life hearing her talk about people

(anyone, everyone) and when she talks about how horrible someone is,

she will use one or more of those descriptions above. And even ONE

incident seems to lable them forever, and this will mean they are

manipulative in general, dishonest in general, etc.

I think that I am terrified of someone thinking anything bad about

me, because I am afraid someone will see it as a flaw in general, me

as a whole. Like if I'm forgetful once, I'm just a forgetful person

in general (my nada just said this about me recently). With her,

there are no isolated incidences of someone making one mistake...

it's all indicative of their character in general.

I think this is why I was so hurt/angry/frightened when my hubby

mistook something I said and thought it was dishonest. If it had

been nada I had been arguing with, she would have used it against me

as an example for years, explaining to everyone how I was a

dishonest liar.

I know my husband isn't nada, but it dawned on me tonight that the

way she treated me/people in that regard is not normal or good at

all, and I can't be terrified everytime someone sees a flaw or

thinks they see a flaw, because they won't write me and split me

black like she would.

I am always so scared people will see me fail, or mess up, or make a

mistake, and I always am way too hard on myself and try to be

perfect. My nada has my head so messed up that if I make one

mistake, I can't relax and see it as just one mistake... I have to

analyze it to make sure it's not indicative of a larger problem, b/c

with her, everything meant something, and she analyzed stuff to the

point where you couldn't breathe or see straight.

It's so messed up. No wonder I'm such a people pleaser, such a

perfectionist.

Has anyone else experienced this?????

---------------------------------

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[Guest guest]

Quick answer: YES. I experience this all the time! You're right (and healthy)

in identifying it as a trigger and a flea... I keep waiting for them to end, but

it seems like I've got an unlimited supply!

I guess those nadas have so many years to implant these garbage fears and

beliefs in us... I take it as a sign of healing and growth every time one pops

up and I can consciously recognize it for what it is!

Good for you.

Shana

has anyone else experienced this???

To: WTOAdultChildren1

> I need some advice. I am still seeing things in myself that I

> have

> picked up from nada, and a lot of times I don't even know it's

> there

> until something triggers it.

> Tonight my hubby and I were having this arguement, and at one

> point

> there was a miscommunication and he thought I was being

> dishonest

> about something. I totally FLIPPED OUT at the idea that he

> thought I

> was dishonest. I was fine until that point, and then I just got

> so

> upset. We kept talking, and of course we figured it all out, but

> one

> thing I realized was that I could not handle the thought that he

> could even THINK I could be dishonest about anything, no matter

> how

> small.

>

> My nada has several things she will say about a person when

> splitting them black... " manipulative, controlling, divisive,

> and

> DISHONEST. "

>

> I think that I have spent all my life hearing her talk about

> people

> (anyone, everyone) and when she talks about how horrible someone

> is,

> she will use one or more of those descriptions above. And even

> ONE

> incident seems to lable them forever, and this will mean they

> are

> manipulative in general, dishonest in general, etc.

>

> I think that I am terrified of someone thinking anything bad

> about

> me, because I am afraid someone will see it as a flaw in

> general, me

> as a whole. Like if I'm forgetful once, I'm just a forgetful

> person

> in general (my nada just said this about me recently). With her,

> there are no isolated incidences of someone making one

> mistake...

> it's all indicative of their character in general.

>

> I think this is why I was so hurt/angry/frightened when my hubby

> mistook something I said and thought it was dishonest. If it had

> been nada I had been arguing with, she would have used it

> against me

> as an example for years, explaining to everyone how I was a

> dishonest liar.

>

> I know my husband isn't nada, but it dawned on me tonight that

> the

> way she treated me/people in that regard is not normal or good

> at

> all, and I can't be terrified everytime someone sees a flaw or

> thinks they see a flaw, because they won't write me and split me

> black like she would.

>

> I am always so scared people will see me fail, or mess up, or

> make a

> mistake, and I always am way too hard on myself and try to be

> perfect. My nada has my head so messed up that if I make one

> mistake, I can't relax and see it as just one mistake... I have

> to

> analyze it to make sure it's not indicative of a larger problem,

> b/c

> with her, everything meant something, and she analyzed stuff to

> the

> point where you couldn't breathe or see straight.

>

> It's so messed up. No wonder I'm such a people pleaser, such a

> perfectionist.

>

> Has anyone else experienced this?????

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Greg!!! JUST what I needed to hear. :-)

> I need some advice. I am still seeing things in myself

that I have

> picked up from nada, and a lot of times I don't even know it's

there

> until something triggers it.

> Tonight my hubby and I were having this arguement, and at one

point

> there was a miscommunication and he thought I was being dishonest

> about something. I totally FLIPPED OUT at the idea that he thought

I

> was dishonest. I was fine until that point, and then I just got so

> upset. We kept talking, and of course we figured it all out, but

one

> thing I realized was that I could not handle the thought that he

> could even THINK I could be dishonest about anything, no matter

how

> small.

>

> My nada has several things she will say about a person when

> splitting them black... " manipulative, controlling, divisive, and

> DISHONEST. "

>

> I think that I have spent all my life hearing her talk about

people

> (anyone, everyone) and when she talks about how horrible someone

is,

> she will use one or more of those descriptions above. And even ONE

> incident seems to lable them forever, and this will mean they are

> manipulative in general, dishonest in general, etc.

>

> I think that I am terrified of someone thinking anything bad about

> me, because I am afraid someone will see it as a flaw in general,

me

> as a whole. Like if I'm forgetful once, I'm just a forgetful

person

> in general (my nada just said this about me recently). With her,

> there are no isolated incidences of someone making one mistake...

> it's all indicative of their character in general.

>

> I think this is why I was so hurt/angry/frightened when my hubby

> mistook something I said and thought it was dishonest. If it had

> been nada I had been arguing with, she would have used it against

me

> as an example for years, explaining to everyone how I was a

> dishonest liar.

>

> I know my husband isn't nada, but it dawned on me tonight that the

> way she treated me/people in that regard is not normal or good at

> all, and I can't be terrified everytime someone sees a flaw or

> thinks they see a flaw, because they won't write me and split me

> black like she would.

>

> I am always so scared people will see me fail, or mess up, or make

a

> mistake, and I always am way too hard on myself and try to be

> perfect. My nada has my head so messed up that if I make one

> mistake, I can't relax and see it as just one mistake... I have to

> analyze it to make sure it's not indicative of a larger problem,

b/c

> with her, everything meant something, and she analyzed stuff to

the

> point where you couldn't breathe or see straight.

>

> It's so messed up. No wonder I'm such a people pleaser, such a

> perfectionist.

>

> Has anyone else experienced this?????

>

>

>

>

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> All-new Yahoo! Mail - Fire up a more powerful email and get

things done faster.

>

>

[Guest guest]

First and foremost, your ability to be introspective, question these

triggers and trying to get feedback for changes and insights into

this problem is what separates you from the borderline. The

borderline seems to lack the ability to be introspective and thereby

change his/her world and relationships. The fact that you can and are

addressing these weaknesses you inherited from growing up w/a

mentally ill person is a HUGE step in the right direction for you

getting you healthy. While it sounds like you are down on the

situation at hand, in the long run this ability to step outside your

immediate situation and assess these issues will give you the ability

to handle these fires as they pop up w/a knowing that you can indeed

grow and handle these things. You are learning to differentiate

paradigms nada taught vs ones that you think can actually change such

as feeling all bad and totally rejected when someone questions your

motives. Right now it hurts, but your ability to bring this emotional

response up to the light of day for questioning says a lot about who

you are and how you are growing and that you are wanting to break

this cycle.

For me, yes, I've had similar situations in the past and it took me a

long while to understand that I am okay being scrutinized w/my

motives just b/c I do know my motives and sometimes it is good that

someone make me question myself, especially someone else that I trust

and love. In the end, sometimes I don't operate on the highest level

and I'm not being totally honest w/myself or the relationship and so

its good for me to have people in my life who are willing to call me

out, but in a gentle way that says we need to address some issues.

Other times it is a factor of miscommunication and I genuinely do

have good motives but the manner in which I've communicated leaves a

lot of room for interpretation and so then being called out on this

lets me know where the weaknesses are in my own communication styles.

Just this weekend dh and I got into a fight and he has a bad habit of

when he's angry of seeing all the things wrong I've done in the past

and b/c he'd been 'protecting' me from some things lately and not

being totally open and honest about his disliking his job b/c he

didn't want to worry me, I sensed more dishonesty on his part. I

don't trust when people withhold information from me and expect me to

just trust and follow. While I respect the fact he's the primary

breadwinner, to leave me out of the decision making process is rather

patronizing and while he wasn't operating from that level, he was

giving off that vibe to me and pissing me off. In the end, when we

did blow up, or rather I got mad at him he said something to the

effect of 'why can't anyone disagree w/you w/o you taking it on such

a person level?' Well that just pissed me off even more and made me

dig my heels in. I wasn't sure at first why, but after pondering it

and meditating upon it, I figured it out. I hate someone speaking for

everyone else- reminds me too much of nada's saying things like 'well

you're the only one who has a problem w/me'. And next off, what he

said wasn't true. It was maybe how I use to be when we first got

married but b/c he was playing defense and was angry at me, he

negated all the growth I've done over the years and that really,

really, really pisses me off.

It was really a stupid fight. I was driving and saying 'isn't the

transmission running really loud?' and he said he didn't hear

anything. Well that irritated me b/c he'd just said a month ago that

it was running loud and has yet to take it in for check up and we are

going on a road trip at the end of Thanksgiving. My initial reaction

was 'oh great. Now he doesn't see a problem, therefore one doesn't

exist' which he's done to me several times in the past w/problems and

that was my fault for doing the same thing to him which triggered him

to come back to me and say I over-react when people disagree with me.

I tend to overreact when I can sense someone's not being completely

above board and on the up and up w/me, and that's really something I

need to work on- how to get someone to get honest when I don't know

for sure that they aren't honest but am just sensing- getting open

communication when I'm triggered by all the lies nada told in the

dark, ya know? I need to be more detached and direct in those

situations and I haven't mastered that art yet.

In the end, we talked and cleared the air, but we weren't able to do

that until I'd taken space and he'd taken space and we agreed to come

back to the middle and discuss these issues. It was not a good

meeting as there were hard feelings that had erupted and so it was

more difficult to clear the air, but I know for my part I've learned

a lot about how to clear up these things in communication over the

years and to assume goodwill on the part of someone I've chosen to be

married to- easier said than done. I've had to learn that I do make

good choices for chosen relationships like my dh and kids and my

friends and whatnot, but in the unchosen relationships, well they

have to go the way of the dinosaur b/c I need to minimize the things

they've taught me inside my personal relationships unless I want to

end up just like them. I don't and so I work on getting me healthy

and work on these issues inside of loving trusting relationships. But

even the best relationships have moments of dishonesty and character

flaws and communicating effectively one's intentions. I see that now-

that no one need be perfect to be loved, just willing to engage. In

lowering the nada bar in my own head, I am able to assess these

situations and question things that are said to me as well as

question myself and see what needs to be put out on the table so we

can work as a team to correct the problems.

I have found it utterly impossible to work w/nada as a team on

anything. She has absolutely no trust in relationships and so she

will constantly undermind the integrity of the relationship and test

the limits. Normal people also test the boundaries to see where they

are, but their motives are a bit different if you ask me. I don't

think healthy people want to be engaged w/a doormat or someone whose

excessively angry all the time. For my part, I have worked on dealing

w/my anger issues and continue to do so and will for the rest of my

life. It is like a broken leg from a skiing accident. I'll always

have trouble in this area of my life and the best I can do is realize

it is a chronic problem and work on my areas of weakness. By the same

token, I also see dh's problems and areas he needs to work on as well

and I think holding each other to a higher standard helps our

relationship grow. We're not the same people that got married to each

other 6 years ago. We are much more loving and caring and calm and of

course some of our weaknesses are even more ingrained such as our

dislike for talking about these nasty subjects that need to be talked

about. But I recognize now everyone comes to the table w/baggage.

Your dh also has baggage and some of it may be connected to your

baggage as well and how you were both raised. While my dh wasn't

raised by a bp- not by a longshot- his dad has serious anger issues

and so the anger has been a constant battle for us to fight and own

inside the relationship. We have come a long way though and that's

where we get off in the ditch- when threatened we do sadly have the

tendency to not see all the progress we've made and make the problem

at hand bigger than it genuinely is and so then we can beat each

other up emotionally and take longer to get back on course when we

only see all the problems in the relationship. I think neither of us

genuinely likes dealing w/these problems or making these corrections

and so it does become larger than it need be b/c we are both the type

that likes to retreat and be harmonious all the time w/o realizing

anger is part and parcel of human relationships. Its not the problem.

The problem is what we do or say when we are angry- that is our

problem and we have come lightyears w/even that. But it is good to

see these problems come up as it says we still have work to do.

After our fight dh was apologizing a lot to me and I apologized too,

but in the end, I told him that I didn't think an apology was

necessary for the actual fight as he was sorry we fought. I was sorry

for not being more direct in confronting him w/issues he was hiding

and then bringing it up over the stupid transmission. He was stressed

b/c he'd held so much in to not stress me out and then unleashed on

me when I took it personal that he didn't hear the transmission

problems- that I didn't trust him- lol- which I didn't and I didn't

for good reasons as he was hiding something that had nothing to do

w/the car. In the end, I was not sorry we fought as I think it helped

us to grow. I don't love fighting by a longshot, but I also see that

even the best of human relationships have areas of breakdown and that

if we learn and grow from them, then it is a good thing, not a bad

thing. With nada, it is always a bad thing when people fight or

disagree and yet for all that, she is constantly engaging her

personal relationships on that level. We don't fight a lot, but I

have learned now days that it too has value as long as we maintain a

certain level of integrity even in our anger which we have done a

much, much, much better job of doing. We didn't goad each other on

this time. We just remained quiet the entire half hour trip home both

pissed at the other, but we did NOT say more hurtful things to each

other that we couldn't take back. We just nursed our grudges and hurt

feelings and then when we got home, went to separate rooms and calmed

down and let more rational thoughts permeate both of our hearts.

That's what brought us back together- the ability to keep our mouthes

shut when we are angry now and then take our space so we can calm

down and find a sensible way to talk to each other. It isn't a

perfected model of problem solving, but its huge compared to where we

use to be and in the end, we are a work in process and a work in

progress.

But no, you are not alone w/assessing these issues and realizing you

have triggers. You will hopefully eventually see that your dh also

has triggers too and that you're not the only one bringing baggage to

the relationship.

Best wishes to you. It sucks fighting w/the person you love the most.

Kerrie

>

> I need some advice. I am still seeing things in myself that I have

> picked up from nada, and a lot of times I don't even know it's

there

> until something triggers it.

> Tonight my hubby and I were having this arguement, and at one point

> there was a miscommunication and he thought I was being dishonest

> about something. I totally FLIPPED OUT at the idea that he thought

I

> was dishonest. I was fine until that point, and then I just got so

> upset. We kept talking, and of course we figured it all out, but

one

> thing I realized was that I could not handle the thought that he

> could even THINK I could be dishonest about anything, no matter how

> small.

>

> My nada has several things she will say about a person when

> splitting them black... " manipulative, controlling, divisive, and

> DISHONEST. "

>

> I think that I have spent all my life hearing her talk about people

> (anyone, everyone) and when she talks about how horrible someone

is,

> she will use one or more of those descriptions above. And even ONE

> incident seems to lable them forever, and this will mean they are

> manipulative in general, dishonest in general, etc.

>

> I think that I am terrified of someone thinking anything bad about

> me, because I am afraid someone will see it as a flaw in general,

me

> as a whole. Like if I'm forgetful once, I'm just a forgetful person

> in general (my nada just said this about me recently). With her,

> there are no isolated incidences of someone making one mistake...

> it's all indicative of their character in general.

>

> I think this is why I was so hurt/angry/frightened when my hubby

> mistook something I said and thought it was dishonest. If it had

> been nada I had been arguing with, she would have used it against

me

> as an example for years, explaining to everyone how I was a

> dishonest liar.

>

> I know my husband isn't nada, but it dawned on me tonight that the

> way she treated me/people in that regard is not normal or good at

> all, and I can't be terrified everytime someone sees a flaw or

> thinks they see a flaw, because they won't write me and split me

> black like she would.

>

> I am always so scared people will see me fail, or mess up, or make

a

> mistake, and I always am way too hard on myself and try to be

> perfect. My nada has my head so messed up that if I make one

> mistake, I can't relax and see it as just one mistake... I have to

> analyze it to make sure it's not indicative of a larger problem,

b/c

> with her, everything meant something, and she analyzed stuff to the

> point where you couldn't breathe or see straight.

>

> It's so messed up. No wonder I'm such a people pleaser, such a

> perfectionist.

>

> Has anyone else experienced this?????

>