inquiry - kevin shouldn't blame me for his problems

[Guest guest]

*1) Is it true?*

absofrickinlutely!

*What's the reality of it?*

he does.

*Whose business is it?*

his

*2) Can you absolutely know it's true?*

no. he did blame me. it's where he's at. it wouldn't bother me if i didn't

believe something that isn't true. him saying that is helping me find what

i'm believing that isn't true.

*And it means that...*

he hates me and doesn't appreciate me or love me.

*What do you think you would have?*

peace and love

*What's the worst that could happen?*

i could be stuck in a household of being hated.

*What's the should?*

Boyfriends should be loving and nice.

*Where's your proof?*

hollywood! lol. romance novels...sigh...i can't think of proof in actual

life. in fact, i can think of lots of proof to the opposite.

*3) How do you react when you think that thought?*

i feel horrible. i feel incredible hate for him, which is really for me. i

feel hurt. i want to break up with him. i recall all my other grievances

with him, like he's not affectionate enough, not attentive enough, too

negative, not happy enough. i focus on the things i don't like about him

and feel sorry for myself. i want to confront him and tell him how wrong he

is. i build a case for me and against him in my head. i tell myself i

deserve better, that he's a lemon, that he tricked me into thinking he

would be a more loving partner than he is. i have pain in my chest.

*Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don't)*

yes

*4) Who would you be without that thought?*

Turnaround

*to myself: i shouldn't blame myself for his problems.*

this is so true. this is actually the first thought i had when he blamed me

for being angry this morning. i knew it was all in his head, at least the

degree to which he was getting angry and blaming me...was that it wouldn't

hurt unless i believed him in some way. he can never ever hurt me. only i

can. so why am i believing that i'm to blame? i could have compassion,

instead. smile at him, like i would my precious child if he were

tantruming, and just be available to help and love.

*to the other: i shouldn't blame kevin for my problems.*

ugh. i didn't see this one coming. but, dammit, it's true. i don't want

kevin to blame me, and here i am blaming him for being a lemon, for being

too negative and making me unhappy, for not being affectionate enough and

making me unhappy. i'm blaming, blaming, blaming him for stuff that is not

his fault. he can never make me unhappy. only i can.

*to the opposite: kevin doesn't blame me for his problems*.

ayyyy. that's true, too. he would be the first one to say that it's his

issue. that he is too negative, too picky, too uptight, too bound up in

scarcity. he spends hours a day meditating trying to fix himself because he

knows that he's creating his issues. he has told me i'm a fantastic mom and

a great person.

For others... I am willing to/ I look forward to...being blamed for others'

problems.