Re: Blame and Victimization

[Guest guest]

I think that it is certainly true that, if we are not right, we are

attracted to what is not right.

The title - " The Deep Well Tapes " - appears to be a take-off on " The

Screwtape Letters " . Is it in effect a critique of the book?

regards,

Dan Watkins

>

> Dear Jung-Fire Friends,

>

>

>

> Below is an excerpt from a forthcoming book in progress by Marc Bregman,

> with Sue Scavo, entitled " The Deep Well Tapes - Sex, Trauma and

Conjunctio. "

> It touched me in a powerful way and I hope some of you resonate with it

> also.

>

>

>

> Marc's previous books, " The Deep Well Tapes " with Sue Scavo and

Ellen Keene,

> and " The Secret of the Pomegranate " with Sue Scavo, can be purchased at

> www.amazon.com, as can Rodger Kamenetz' " The History of Last Night's

Dream. "

> I recommend them to you and I invite your comments on this profoundly

> touching excerpt.

>

>

>

> Love,

>

>

>

>

>

> Choosing Victimization or Choosing Responsibility

>

> The reason we turn to people rather than the Divine is that people

always

> disappoint us and it always justifies our victimization. It is like the

> Darwinian theory of evolution. There is always something to fulfill

the need

> for something else.

>

> For example, there was a flower discovered in Brazil where the

throat of the

> flower that contained the stamen was incredibly deep. The only way

to reach

> the stamen was for a creature with an incredibly long nose or beak or

> tongue, a creature that had never been seen before. Scientists

filmed the

> flower, which only bloomed at night, for months while it waited for

> something to come. And something did come. An insect that had never been

> seen before. This creature had a rolled up tongue that when unfurled

was 8

> inches long. It landed on the flower, unfurled its tongue and

fertilized the

> flower. It is a miracle of nature - build it and something will come.

>

> If we are victims, we will look for someone to victimize us. If we are a

> lover, we will look for someone to be our lover. Whatever we are, we

will

> get exactly that back.

>

> Only the child self wants the love. Anything that is not the child

self will

> want to be abused or want to find someone who will reflect and support

> whatever it is that we have become. If we are not the core of who we

are,

> that what comes is going to be malignant. Whatever we think we want,

if it

> does not come from the core of ourselves, it is not going to be

right for

> us. We can then, of course, blame it for not being right, but really

we are

> not right. Because we are not right, we are attracted to what is not

really

> right.

>

> It is very difficult to differentiate and know ourselves enough to

know when

> we are choosing something away from our core selves. Normally, we

believe

> that everything is okay and we are okay and that the problem is that

we have

> idiots around us. But actually, there is a great deal of beauty

around us.

>

> If we are the beauty, then we find the beauty. If we do not find the

beauty,

> it is because we are not deep enough in ourselves. If we do not find

God, it

> is because we are not the soul that can receive God. Instead of

standing in

> the truth of this, it is easier to say that we have a soul but that

there is

> no God to receive and there is no love. Then the fix is in and we

are left

> bereft. There is no way to win unless we find our soul, unless we

find the

> part of us that is open and vulnerable and waiting to receive.

>

> If we are bereft, we always get the worst out of the relationship rather

> than the best. We get what we are. If we want more out of people, we

have to

> get more out of ourselves. The limitation of our own self-awareness

becomes

> what we do not see in others. Often people we choose have nothing to

give to

> us. When people do have something to give us, we do not get it

because we

> are not able to see it nor are we able to receive or even be open to

receive

> it.

>

> We may find that there is a great deal more love in this world than we

> realize. What a tragedy that because of our own unawareness of the

parts of

> ourselves that could receive the love, if only we were awake to the

love, we

> do not receive the love.

>

> It is always right in front of us but we are not showing up to

receive it.

> Once we open to ourselves and have the Divine connection, many

things that

> appear not so good become wonderful. The problem becomes less a

problem and

> we see the beauty behind the problem. It is as of all we see is the

shadow

> cast by the earth on the moon that creates the eclipse, never seeing the

> light. Or the eclipse of the sun. The shadow of the moon when it passes

> between the earth and the sun at just the right angle darkens the

sun, but

> the sun is always there.

>

[Guest guest]

>>If we are victims, we will look for someone to victimize us.<< --Another way to say that: when people are traumatized repeatedly over time, they have trouble distinguishing present danger from past danger, making it difficult to perceive current options clearly. It's a neurological problem that can't be fixed by telling people not to "be a victim". Nobody "chooses to be victimized", that's a dogma coming out of pop psychology, not a scientific conclusion. People can make decisions that make them vulnerable to predators, but they don't make those decisions in order to be victimized -- they make bad decisions to keep themselves from falling back into past trauma, and are too distracted to see present threats clearly. Even clearly self-destructive decisions are made in order to avoid pain by controlling the parameters of suffering. Telling people they're choosing victimhood will only trigger

shame or avoidance, which will distract from real solutions. It does, however, absolve the observer of empathy. We tend to think that if people choose to get into bad situations, we don't have to feel anything for them, which is a psychological defense for the observer, not a solution for the person who needs help.

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