Guest guest Posted June 14, 2008 Report Share Posted June 14, 2008 People generally come to this site in order to try to make their relationships work better. We share information and experiences with each other and encourage each other to be honest in our expressions. I hear you express that your NT /AS relationship is working well. Please try to be tolerant of the difficulties and frustrations others are having as they try to understand how to improve their lives. jkz wondering why It's an issue for me because it isn't something that being bitterabout is going to help. A.S. is what it it-- it varies slightly fromperson to person. People with A.S. are just as caring andaffectionate as the rest of us-- it just doesn't surface often. Ifeel like a lot of N.T. women complain about the things their husbandsDON'T do without stopping to realize the effort involved in what theirhusbands actually do. I asked my A.S. boyfriend why he loved me, howhe knew I loved him, and how he showed me that he loved me. It wasvery enlightening. When people on ASPIRES tell me how awful it is tobe in an A.S./N.T. relationship, it upsets me because I know myboyfriend's limitations and accept them. I also know what otherthings make him such a beautiful person. These are the things thatallow me to problem solve around A.S. related problems in myrelationship. Every N.T. half of an A.S./N.T. relationship needs tosit down and remind themselves of the positives about their partnerand how their partner shows them love each day. I have dated plenty of N.T. men, and truth-be-told, I'd rather have myA.S. guy 100% of the time. With an Aspie, you know everything isgenuine, and something as simple as a phone call or a hug is worth theworld. I guess I just don't understand what is so horrid about being the N.T.in an A.S./N.T. relationship because makes me so happy. If Ineed to talk, he'll make an effort for me. If I need a hug orconsoling, all I have to do is tell him and I'm his number onepriority. I feel loved and accepted every day when we just holdhands-- I'm the only person who can touch him. I know he trusts memore than any other person because he is comfortable enough to makeN.T. like eye-contact with me all the time. His hypersensitivitymakes food a challenge, but he has tried two new foods in the lastyear because I confessed that I was sick of his favorite-- plaincheeseburgers. I know that he makes hundreds of small sacrificesevery day just to be with me, and that makes up for all of the thingshe doesn't do. I suppose it can be easy to lose sight of this, but these kinds ofthings are how I know I'm loved, and I try to find creative solutionsto any issues we have. I don't dwell-- I acknowledge my feelings oflonliness, sadness, or anger and move on, often telling how I'mfeeling and telling him what I need from him to feel better.> > >> > > Ladies - I dont get reassurance or affection from Ian unless I> > actually ask him, which kind of negates the reason for wanting the> > affection, as there is no spontaneity.> > >> > > If I do ask for a hug, he's happy to oblige; its taken a while for> > Ian to know that its worth the effort, that its more like 'try hugging> > me, its nice for both of us'. He doesnt hug me at all if I dont ask.> > It is painful, in that if you are really at rock bottom or in a> > serious situation, he wont see this or wont wish to see this 'what has> > that to do with me?'. So you are on your own. If that is acceptable,> > use others, friends and family, for the real support mechanism we all> > need. I have found that I would never get this from Ian in a month of> > Sundays.> > >> > > I have been out with, married to, and lived with, people who> > weren't Aspies and they were affectionate at the drop of a hat, but> > were collectively b*stards in one way or another. At least with Ian I> > know where I stand, and we work well together in so many other ways.> > >> > > Judy B, pragmatic, Scotland> >> >> >> >> >> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 14, 2008 Report Share Posted June 14, 2008 I have dated plenty of N.T. men, and truth-be-told, I'd rather have myA.S. guy 100% of the time. With an Aspie, you know everything isgenuine, and something as simple as a phone call or a hug is worth theworld. Audrey, Not all of us NT's are on here complaining. I'm in this camp, of the sentiments mentioned above. Most of my letters are positive, as are several others who have been married for ten years are more. However, even in the best most adaptable couples there are frustrations, and issues we need to share, vent, get validated. We, each of us need support. That's why we're here. Vote for your city's best dining and nightlife. City's Best 2008. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 14, 2008 Report Share Posted June 14, 2008 I have expressed that these are my feelings and that I'm trying to attack no one-- that is being tolerant. If this is a place for people to share feelings and experiences about A.S./N.T. relationships, my opinions are just as valuable as yours. I'm frustrated because I just don't understand the negativity, but I've been that way about most things in life, letting little bother me and always perceiving the glass as "half full."I just wish that when the N.T. halves of A.S./N.T. relationships were frustrated that they'd remember the great things about their partner. Maybe you all do and I just don't see it reflected in posts. Maybe I'll start a post about that. -------------- Original message from Janet Zimmerman : -------------- People generally come to this site in order to try to make their relationships work better. We share information and experiences with each other and encourage each other to be honest in our expressions. I hear you express that your NT /AS relationship is working well. Please try to be tolerant of the difficulties and frustrations others are having as they try to understand how to improve their lives. jkz wondering why It's an issue for me because it isn't something that being bitterabout is going to help. A.S. is what it it-- it varies slightly fromperson to person. People with A.S. are just as caring andaffectionate as the rest of us-- it just doesn't surface often. Ifeel like a lot of N.T. women complain about the things their husbandsDON'T do without stopping to realize the effort involved in what theirhusbands actually do. I asked my A.S. boyfriend why he loved me, howhe knew I loved him, and how he showed me that he loved me. It wasvery enlightening. When people on ASPIRES tell me how awful it is tobe in an A.S./N.T. relationship, it upsets me because I know myboyfriend's limitations and accept them. I also know what otherthings make him such a beautiful person. These are the things thatallow me to problem solve around A.S. related problems in myrelationship. Every N.T. half of an A.S./N.T. relationship needs tosit down and remind themselve s of the positives about their partnerand how their partner shows them love each day. I have dated plenty of N.T. men, and truth-be-told, I'd rather have myA.S. guy 100% of the time. With an Aspie, you know everything isgenuine, and something as simple as a phone call or a hug is worth theworld. I guess I just don't understand what is so horrid about being the N.T.in an A.S./N.T. relationship because makes me so happy. If Ineed to talk, he'll make an effort for me. If I need a hug orconsoling, all I have to do is tell him and I'm his number onepriority. I feel loved and accepted every day when we just holdhands-- I'm the only person who can touch him. I know he trusts memore than any other person because he is comfortable enough to makeN.T. like eye-contact with me all the time. His hypersensitivitymakes food a challe nge, but he has tried two new foods in the lastyear because I confessed that I was sick of his favorite-- plaincheeseburgers. I know that he makes hundreds of small sacrificesevery day just to be with me, and that makes up for all of the thingshe doesn't do. I suppose it can be easy to lose sight of this, but these kinds ofthings are how I know I'm loved, and I try to find creative solutionsto any issues we have. I don't dwell-- I acknowledge my feelings oflonliness, sadness, or anger and move on, often telling how I'mfeeling and telling him what I need from him to feel better.> > >> > > Ladies - I dont get reassurance or affection from Ian unless I> > actually ask him, which kind of negates the reason for wanting the> > affection, as there is no spontaneity.> > >> > > If I do ask for a hug, he's happy to oblige; its taken a while for> > Ian to know that its worth the effort, that its more like 'try hugging> > me, its nice for both of us'. He doesnt hug me at all if I dont ask.> > It is painful, in that if you are really at rock bottom or in a> > serious situation, he wont see this or wont wish to see this 'what has> > that to do with me?'. So you are on your own. If that is acceptable,> > use others, friends and family, for the real support mechanism we all> > need. I have found that I would never get this from Ian in a month of> > Sundays.> > >> > > I have been out with, married to, and lived with, people who> > weren't Aspies and they were affectionate at the drop of a hat, but> > were collectively b*stards in one way or another. At least with Ian I> > know where I stand, and we work well together in so many other ways.> > >> > > Judy B, pragmatic, Scotland> >> >> >> >> >> /div> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 15, 2008 Report Share Posted June 15, 2008 Its nice that you feel that your aspie partner is so wonderful. Try to remember though that there are some of us who have aspie partners that can and do make life really hard. Some of us have aspie partners who dont make an effort. Some of us have aspie partners who are so detached that its almost like being alone only being alone would be easier. The fact that we stay with these aspie partners in spite of the constant struggle IS an indication that we are trying hard and that we DO remember the good things. Perhaps understanding that your comments might be seen as a harsh judgement or condemnation towards those of us who dont have things as wonderful as you would be a step towards understanding that no one here is saying your attacking anyone or that your opinion isnt valuable........ just that life can be really hard ,really lonely, really frustating for some of the NT partners and a bit of empathy for what we may have to deal with even if you dont have to deal with it would be a helpful and kind thing.. just my opinion breezy It's an issue for me because it isn't something that being bitterabout is going to help. A.S. is what it it-- it varies slightly fromperson to person. People with A.S. are just as caring andaffectionate as the rest of us-- it just doesn't surface often. Ifeel like a lot of N.T. women complain about the things their husbandsDON'T do without stopping to realize the effort involved in what theirhusbands actually do. I asked my A.S. boyfriend why he loved me, howhe knew I loved him, and how he showed me that he loved me. It wasvery enlightening. When people on ASPIRES tell me how awful it is tobe in an A.S./N.T. relationship, it upsets me because I know myboyfriend's limitations and accept them. I also know what otherthings make him such a beautiful person. These are the things thatallow me to problem solve around A.S. related problems in myrelationship. Every N.T. half of an A.S./N.T. relationship needs tosit down and remind themselve s of the positives about their partnerand how their partner shows them love each day. I have dated plenty of N.T. men, and truth-be-told, I'd rather have myA.S. guy 100% of the time. With an Aspie, you know everything isgenuine, and something as simple as a phone call or a hug is worth theworld. I guess I just don't understand what is so horrid about being the N.T.in an A.S./N.T. relationship because makes me so happy. If Ineed to talk, he'll make an effort for me. If I need a hug orconsoling, all I have to do is tell him and I'm his number onepriority. I feel loved and accepted every day when we just holdhands-- I'm the only person who can touch him. I know he trusts memore than any other person because he is comfortable enough to makeN.T. like eye-contact with me all the time. His hypersensitivitymakes food a challe nge, but he has tried two new foods in the lastyear because I confessed that I was sick of his favorite-- plaincheeseburgers. I know that he makes hundreds of small sacrificesevery day just to be with me, and that makes up for all of the thingshe doesn't do. I suppose it can be easy to lose sight of this, but these kinds ofthings are how I know I'm loved, and I try to find creative solutionsto any issues we have. I don't dwell-- I acknowledge my feelings oflonliness, sadness, or anger and move on, often telling how I'mfeeling and telling him what I need from him to feel better.> > >> > > Ladies - I dont get reassurance or affection from Ian unless I> > actually ask him, which kind of negates the reason for wanting the> > affection, as there is no spontaneity.> > >> > > If I do ask for a hug, he's happy to oblige; its taken a while for> > Ian to know that its worth the effort, that its more like 'try hugging> > me, its nice for both of us'. He doesnt hug me at all if I dont ask.> > It is painful, in that if you are really at rock bottom or in a> > serious situation, he wont see this or wont wish to see this 'what has> > that to do with me?'. So you are on your own. If that is acceptable,> > use others, friends and family, for the real support mechanism we all> > need. I have found that I would never get this from Ian in a month of> > Sundays.> > >> > > I have been out with, married to, and lived with, people who> > weren't Aspies and they were affectionate at the drop of a hat, but> > were collectively b*stards in one way or another. At least with Ian I> > know where I stand, and we work well together in so many other ways.> > >> > > Judy B, pragmatic, Scotland> >> >> >> >> >>< /div> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 15, 2008 Report Share Posted June 15, 2008 Audrey I may be one of those NT women making you upset. If I am I'm sorry. But, I disagree with you on one point. Just because an NT spouse asks for emotional or physical support from an AS doesn't mean she or he will get it. It depends on the spouse. We are all members of some spectrum or other. We are all different. Nick gives me support one way or another, but not always when I ask for it. He doles it out when he wants to, and sometimes he doles it out without me asking for it. Seems like a lot of people here seem to think that if you Ask you shall receive. I sure don't believe this is the case. And, just so you know, I don't ask much of the time. I stopped asking, because it felt like begging and I got embarrased and my self esteem took a dive. So I hardly ever ask any more, but just so you know...to repeat...just because I ask, doesn't mean I will recieve. I think there are issues at least with Nick where he may think I should read his mind or am doing something he doesn't like, and he is somehow letting me know. But I genereally have no clue. And even if I did, I wouldn't take kindly to this manipulation. Sorry if I am the one making you angry. I feel guilty. Sandy Re: Spontaneity Not getting the reassurance and affection you need from an Aspiehusband that is a reality for all of the Neuro-typical women ofASPIRES. All of the books on Asperger's Syndrome and all of theexperiences and advice of other women confirm that this is a realitythat doesn't change. Asking doesn't "negate the reason for wantingthe affection," as Judy Barrow wrote. It is a reality that we have toask for affection from our Aspie men often, or even always. If anA.S. man didn't want to be affectionate with you, he would refuse whenyou asked-- plain and simple. A requested hug from an A.S. man meansjust as much as a spontaneous hug from a N.T. man-- Aspies aren'thardwired for that kind of thing. What means more than a hug fromanyone else ever could is a spontaneous hug from an A.S. man.Emotional support just isn't something we're going to get from ourA.S. men unless we tell them we need it, and I've found that they'rehappy to give it when we need it, all we have to do is ask. I see a lot of bitterness from some of the women married to men withA.S. and it upsets me. I may post about it in a new topic, because ithas been eating at me for some time. >> Ladies - I dont get reassurance or affection from Ian unless Iactually ask him, which kind of negates the reason for wanting theaffection, as there is no spontaneity. > > If I do ask for a hug, he's happy to oblige; its taken a while forIan to know that its worth the effort, that its more like 'try huggingme, its nice for both of us'. He doesnt hug me at all if I dont ask.It is painful, in that if you are really at rock bottom or in aserious situation, he wont see this or wont wish to see this 'what hasthat to do with me?'. So you are on your own. If that is acceptable,use others, friends and family, for the real support mechanism we allneed. I have found that I would never get this from Ian in a month ofSundays. > > I have been out with, married to, and lived with, people whoweren't Aspies and they were affectionate at the drop of a hat, butwere collectively b*stards in one way or another. At least with Ian Iknow where I stand, and we work well together in so many other ways. > > Judy B, pragmatic, Scotland Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 15, 2008 Report Share Posted June 15, 2008 Sandy Please dont feel guilty. Really no need to. I totally get where your coming from as I'm in a similar situation as yours.Not everyone is going to understand but some will. Your feelings are honest and they are valid. Please dont feel bad breezy Subject: Re: Re: SpontaneityTo: aspires-relationships Date: Saturday, June 14, 2008, 6:08 PM Audrey I may be one of those NT women making you upset. If I am I'm sorry. But, I disagree with you on one point. Just because an NT spouse asks for emotional or physical support from an AS doesn't mean she or he will get it. It depends on the spouse. We are all members of some spectrum or other. We are all different. Nick gives me support one way or another, but not always when I ask for it. He doles it out when he wants to, and sometimes he doles it out without me asking for it. Seems like a lot of people here seem to think that if you Ask you shall receive. I sure don't believe this is the case. And, just so you know, I don't ask much of the time. I stopped asking, because it felt like begging and I got embarrased and my self esteem took a dive. So I hardly ever ask any more, but just so you know...to repeat...just because I ask, doesn't mean I will recieve. I think there are issues at least with Nick where he may think I should read his mind or am doing something he doesn't like, and he is somehow letting me know. But I genereally have no clue. And even if I did, I wouldn't take kindly to this manipulation. Sorry if I am the one making you angry. I feel guilty. Sandy [aspires-relationsh ips] Re: Spontaneity Not getting the reassurance and affection you need from an Aspiehusband that is a reality for all of the Neuro-typical women ofASPIRES. All of the books on Asperger's Syndrome and all of theexperiences and advice of other women confirm that this is a realitythat doesn't change. Asking doesn't "negate the reason for wantingthe affection," as Judy Barrow wrote. It is a reality that we have toask for affection from our Aspie men often, or even always. If anA.S. man didn't want to be affectionate with you, he would refuse whenyou asked-- plain and simple. A requested hug from an A.S. man meansjust as much as a spontaneous hug from a N.T. man-- Aspies aren'thardwired for that kind of thing. What means more than a hug fromanyone else ever could is a spontaneous hug from an A.S. man.Emotional support just isn't something we're going to get from ourA.S. men unless we tell them we need it, and I've found that they'rehappy to give it when we need it, all we have to do is ask. I see a lot of bitterness from some of the women married to men withA.S. and it upsets me. I may post about it in a new topic, because ithas been eating at me for some time. >> Ladies - I dont get reassurance or affection from Ian unless Iactually ask him, which kind of negates the reason for wanting theaffection, as there is no spontaneity. > > If I do ask for a hug, he's happy to oblige; its taken a while forIan to know that its worth the effort, that its more like 'try huggingme, its nice for both of us'. He doesnt hug me at all if I dont ask.It is painful, in that if you are really at rock bottom or in aserious situation, he wont see this or wont wish to see this 'what hasthat to do with me?'. So you are on your own. If that is acceptable,use others, friends and family, for the real support mechanism we allneed. I have found that I would never get this from Ian in a month ofSundays. > > I have been out with, married to, and lived with, people whoweren't Aspies and they were affectionate at the drop of a hat, butwere collectively b*stards in one way or another. At least with Ian Iknow where I stand, and we work well together in so many other ways. > > Judy B, pragmatic, Scotland Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 15, 2008 Report Share Posted June 15, 2008 The problem I have Audrey, is that I had no idea what AS was until April of this year. That is 2 months. Meanwhile I have been in a relationship with Nick for over 6 years. There is bitterness because neither one of us went into this with our eyes open. What I thought was a solid freindship and lover relationship has totally changed. If I had known about this going in, I may not have gone in. When you say we should do something about it, the problem with me is NOW I love this man. So what do I do, DIVORCE him? I know he loves me too, but I didn't for a long time until we discovered what AS was. And the problem with me is that for 6 years I kept thinking he would change back into the man I fell in love with. This is the point where I say....LIFE SUCKS. So I am at a quandry myself. But yes I feel a lot of bitterness about unfairness. I feel a lot of bitterness for Nick that he had no clue what he was dealing with. And, it seems like a lot of women who come to this board are JUST discovering that their partner has AS. They have been wondering about things that seemed strange to them for years. And, now whallah. And, yes we read the books and it says no cure. DARN. I would use a better word but I may get reported. And that is a big Darn for both spouses. I love my husband but I feel like my dreams are shattered. I married a man who was intelligent, sexy, fun. Now he is JUST intelligent. The sexy and fun are gone. But the problem is I still remember them. I am ranting a bit. But, there is no easy solution. I am a very logical person. I can talk and think logically. Heck my majors were math and accounting. But that doesn't mean I can lose my emotions, my desires, my dreams that my best friend can understand sorrow and joy with me, etc, etc, And, yet I still love my husband and he still loves me. On the one hand I feel sorry for him that he can't connect in the very unique way we can as NT's. On the other hand, it pisses me off that he can be an AS and not know the misery of not connecting. Sandy Re: Spontaneity Thanks, Daneka. I'm just bothered by the bitterness that I see. Itjust seems like everyone should know that A.S. is not something thatis going to be gone some day, so the problems that are associated withit are here to stay. I understand the frustration, but I guess myobjection is, "Well, DO SOMETHING about it. Don't expect your husbandto just STOP BEING AN ASPIE." I mean, they are what they are. I don't expect everyone to like what I said and I don't expect sayingit to make me any more popular, however, I really do feel that way.>> Hi Audrey,> I am in a huge rush at the moment, but I read your post, and Iwanted to say -- Whoa! It's a much more complicated subject, and avery important subject, so I just want to ask you to wait untileveryone has weighed in before you allow it to eat at you. > In the end, you might determine that your own need for emotionalcompanionship is such that your particular boyfriend is not the rightlife partner for you. Fair enough. I'd just like for everyone toweigh in here first.. > Will write more when I have more time.> Daneka, whose AS husband's genuine affection is frequent and worthits weight in gold Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 15, 2008 Report Share Posted June 15, 2008 Well, Lucky for you that YOU knew this going into it. Most of us didn't. We are now just coming to terms with it. And the coming to terms with it tells me a lot about how he may have been trying that I didn't understand before. But the bitterness grew over the time that neither of us knew about AS and its effects, and believe me (OR NOT) but that has been devastating for me. And, the funny thing is that I can empathize with you. I can hear myself now singing the praises of an AS (and there are many to sing about), and how my relationship will survive. And if you are anything like me (and it sounds like you are) you put yourself up there as an understanding person and also one with pride. If you do the right things, whatever they are, things will be fine. That is always how I have been. Good luck to you. I hope whatever you have continues. I hope that you will always remain as happy and as content as you are now. Sandy Re: Spontaneity It's an issue for me because it isn't something that being bitterabout is going to help. A.S. is what it it-- it varies slightly fromperson to person. People with A.S. are just as caring andaffectionate as the rest of us-- it just doesn't surface often. Ifeel like a lot of N.T. women complain about the things their husbandsDON'T do without stopping to realize the effort involved in what theirhusbands actually do. I asked my A.S. boyfriend why he loved me, howhe knew I loved him, and how he showed me that he loved me. It wasvery enlightening. When people on ASPIRES tell me how awful it is tobe in an A.S./N.T. relationship, it upsets me because I know myboyfriend's limitations and accept them. I also know what otherthings make him such a beautiful person. These are the things thatallow me to problem solve around A.S. related problems in myrelationship. Every N.T. half of an A.S./N.T. relationship needs tosit down and remind themselves of the positives about their partnerand how their partner shows them love each day. I have dated plenty of N.T. men, and truth-be-told, I'd rather have myA.S. guy 100% of the time. With an Aspie, you know everything isgenuine, and something as simple as a phone call or a hug is worth theworld. I guess I just don't understand what is so horrid about being the N.T.in an A.S./N.T. relationship because makes me so happy. If Ineed to talk, he'll make an effort for me. If I need a hug orconsoling, all I have to do is tell him and I'm his number onepriority. I feel loved and accepted every day when we just holdhands-- I'm the only person who can touch him. I know he trusts memore than any other person because he is comfortable enough to makeN.T. like eye-contact with me all the time. His hypersensitivitymakes food a challenge, but he has tried two new foods in the lastyear because I confessed that I was sick of his favorite-- plaincheeseburgers. I know that he makes hundreds of small sacrificesevery day just to be with me, and that makes up for all of the thingshe doesn't do. I suppose it can be easy to lose sight of this, but these kinds ofthings are how I know I'm loved, and I try to find creative solutionsto any issues we have. I don't dwell-- I acknowledge my feelings oflonliness, sadness, or anger and move on, often telling how I'mfeeling and telling him what I need from him to feel better.> > >> > > Ladies - I dont get reassurance or affection from Ian unless I> > actually ask him, which kind of negates the reason for wanting the> > affection, as there is no spontaneity.> > >> > > If I do ask for a hug, he's happy to oblige; its taken a while for> > Ian to know that its worth the effort, that its more like 'try hugging> > me, its nice for both of us'. He doesnt hug me at all if I dont ask.> > It is painful, in that if you are really at rock bottom or in a> > serious situation, he wont see this or wont wish to see this 'what has> > that to do with me?'. So you are on your own. If that is acceptable,> > use others, friends and family, for the real support mechanism we all> > need. I have found that I would never get this from Ian in a month of> > Sundays.> > >> > > I have been out with, married to, and lived with, people who> > weren't Aspies and they were affectionate at the drop of a hat, but> > were collectively b*stards in one way or another. At least with Ian I> > know where I stand, and we work well together in so many other ways.> > >> > > Judy B, pragmatic, Scotland> >> >> >> >> >> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 15, 2008 Report Share Posted June 15, 2008 Usually I just try to offer solutions. I KNOW Aspie partners are difficult because I've had several women on the list advise me not to get married because they're sure I'll be miserable. I really wish I had just kept my feelings to myself because now everybody has to defend themselves against what I had to say and everybody is irritated. I was hoping to start some constructive conversation about it because I want to understand so that maybe I can help. > & gt; & gt; & gt; > & gt; & gt; & gt; Ladies - I dont get reassurance or affection from Ian unless I > & gt; & gt; actually ask him, which kind of negates the reason for wanting the > & gt; & gt; affection, as there is no spontaneity. > & gt; & gt; & gt; > & gt; & gt; & gt; If I do ask for a hug, he's happy to oblige; its taken a while for > & gt; & gt; Ian to know that its worth the effort, that its more like 'try hugging > & gt; & gt; me, its nice for both of us'. He doesnt hug me at all if I dont ask. > & gt; & gt; It is painful, in that if you are really at rock bottom or in a > & gt; & gt; serious situation, he wont see this or wont wish to see this 'what has > & gt; & gt; that to do with me?'. So you are on your own. If that is acceptable, > & gt; & gt; use others, friends and family, for the real support mechanism we all > & gt; & gt; need. I have found that I would never get this from Ian in a month of > & gt; & gt; Sundays. > & gt; & gt; & gt; > & gt; & gt; & gt; I have been out with, married to, and lived with, people who > & gt; & gt; weren't Aspies and they were affectionate at the drop of a hat, but > & gt; & gt; were collectively b*stards in one way or another. At least with Ian I > & gt; & gt; know where I stand, and we work well together in so many other ways. > & gt; & gt; & gt; > & gt; & gt; & gt; Judy B, pragmatic, Scotland > & gt; & gt; > & gt; & gt; > & gt; & gt; > & gt; & gt; > & gt; & gt; > & gt; > > & lt; /div & gt; > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 15, 2008 Report Share Posted June 15, 2008 By DO SOMETHING I didn't mean get a divorce. I am a firm believer that there are solutions to every problem. I know it is hard and I definitely feel for you. You should start a post about what is going on with your marriage and give us some specifics so that we can help you creatively problem solve around some of your issues. Collectively we have more insight than any book ever could. This creative problem solving is what I meant by " doing something. " I'm not always the best at emotional support-- when I hear problems, the only thing I want to do is find solutions. > > > > Hi Audrey, > > I am in a huge rush at the moment, but I read your post, and I > wanted to say -- Whoa! It's a much more complicated subject, and a > very important subject, so I just want to ask you to wait until > everyone has weighed in before you allow it to eat at you. > > In the end, you might determine that your own need for emotional > companionship is such that your particular boyfriend is not the right > life partner for you. Fair enough. I'd just like for everyone to > weigh in here first.. > > Will write more when I have more time. > > Daneka, whose AS husband's genuine affection is frequent and worth > its weight in gold > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 15, 2008 Report Share Posted June 15, 2008 I've seen what A.S. can do to a marriage if it goes undiagnosed. My boyfriend's parents have an awful relationship and I can do nothing more than feel sorry for them both because now that she finally knows he has A.S., she can't alter her expectations for them, and he is really very uninterested in the fact that he's an Aspie and has long since checked out of the marriage because of the frustration at never knowing exactly what it is that he did wrong. I'm double majoring, and one of my majors is Psych. I don't understand this, but it makes sense-- women often don't want to problem solve, but just want to vent and receive support. It's a strange concept to me, but I guess if it's what's getting you through, that's good. I think that maybe I'm just not understanding where some of you come from because I'm not a big " venter. " > > > > > > > > Ladies - I dont get reassurance or affection from Ian unless I > > > actually ask him, which kind of negates the reason for wanting the > > > affection, as there is no spontaneity. > > > > > > > > If I do ask for a hug, he's happy to oblige; its taken a while for > > > Ian to know that its worth the effort, that its more like 'try hugging > > > me, its nice for both of us'. He doesnt hug me at all if I dont ask. > > > It is painful, in that if you are really at rock bottom or in a > > > serious situation, he wont see this or wont wish to see this 'what has > > > that to do with me?'. So you are on your own. If that is acceptable, > > > use others, friends and family, for the real support mechanism we all > > > need. I have found that I would never get this from Ian in a month of > > > Sundays. > > > > > > > > I have been out with, married to, and lived with, people who > > > weren't Aspies and they were affectionate at the drop of a hat, but > > > were collectively b*stards in one way or another. At least with Ian I > > > know where I stand, and we work well together in so many other ways. > > > > > > > > Judy B, pragmatic, Scotland > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 15, 2008 Report Share Posted June 15, 2008 I know we need support-- that's why we joined. I'm sorry for posting anything at all. I should have kept it to myself. > > > In a message dated 6/14/2008 3:50:24 AM Eastern Daylight Time, > jkzmail@... writes: > > I have dated plenty of N.T. men, and truth-be-told, I'd rather have my > A.S. guy 100% of the time. With an Aspie, you know everything is > genuine, and something as simple as a phone call or a hug is worth the > world. > > Audrey, > > > Not all of us NT's are on here complaining. I'm in this camp, of the > sentiments mentioned above. Most of my letters are positive, as are several others who > have been married for ten years are more. However, even in the best most > adaptable couples there are frustrations, and issues we need to share, vent, get > validated. We, each of us need support. That's why we're here. > > > > > > **************Vote for your city's best dining and nightlife. City's Best > 2008. (http://citysbest.aol.com?ncid=aolacg00050000000102) > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 15, 2008 Report Share Posted June 15, 2008 Let's not feel guilty, let's just help one another find solutions because we can't just live with the misery and bitterness, we have to find ways out of it. That's what I mean when I say that we ought to do something-- we can't just live with low self esteem and be unhappy, we have to figure out new, creative ways to take control whenever possible. It might not always be possible, but if we have the heart, we can try. > > > > Ladies - I dont get reassurance or affection from Ian unless I > actually ask him, which kind of negates the reason for wanting the > affection, as there is no spontaneity. > > > > If I do ask for a hug, he's happy to oblige; its taken a while for > Ian to know that its worth the effort, that its more like 'try hugging > me, its nice for both of us'. He doesnt hug me at all if I dont ask. > It is painful, in that if you are really at rock bottom or in a > serious situation, he wont see this or wont wish to see this 'what has > that to do with me?'. So you are on your own. If that is acceptable, > use others, friends and family, for the real support mechanism we all > need. I have found that I would never get this from Ian in a month of > Sundays. > > > > I have been out with, married to, and lived with, people who > weren't Aspies and they were affectionate at the drop of a hat, but > were collectively b*stards in one way or another. At least with Ian I > know where I stand, and we work well together in so many other ways. > > > > Judy B, pragmatic, Scotland > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 15, 2008 Report Share Posted June 15, 2008 Thanks, Breezy. You're right-- she has no reason to feel guilty. We're sharing and that's what I had to share. > & gt; > & gt; Ladies - I dont get reassurance or affection from Ian unless I > actually ask him, which kind of negates the reason for wanting the > affection, as there is no spontaneity. > & gt; > & gt; If I do ask for a hug, he's happy to oblige; its taken a while for > Ian to know that its worth the effort, that its more like 'try hugging > me, its nice for both of us'. He doesnt hug me at all if I dont ask. > It is painful, in that if you are really at rock bottom or in a > serious situation, he wont see this or wont wish to see this 'what has > that to do with me?'. So you are on your own. If that is acceptable, > use others, friends and family, for the real support mechanism we all > need. I have found that I would never get this from Ian in a month of > Sundays. > & gt; > & gt; I have been out with, married to, and lived with, people who > weren't Aspies and they were affectionate at the drop of a hat, but > were collectively b*stards in one way or another. At least with Ian I > know where I stand, and we work well together in so many other ways. > & gt; > & gt; Judy B, pragmatic, Scotland > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 15, 2008 Report Share Posted June 15, 2008 Subject: Re: SpontaneityTo: aspires-relationships Date: Saturday, June 14, 2008, 9:49 PM I'm double majoring, and one of my majors is Psych. I don'tunderstand this, but it makes sense-- women often don't want toproblem solve, but just want to vent and receive support. It's astrange concept to me, but I guess if it's what's getting you through,that's good. I think that maybe I'm just not understanding where someof you come from because I'm not a big "venter." --- Since you are majoring in Psych I am sure you will understand that women often solve their own problems by venting. As they vent they are working on the problem in the back of their mind or working on a solution as they speak the problem out loud . In other words as they complain about it they fix it with the most viable sloution that comes to them as they work it out to whomever they are venting to. Not everyone does that obviously.... you clearly dont. But it is a pretty common thing for many women to do. Its one of the reasons wives have trouble talking over gripes with husbands. The husbands listen to the problem then think they need to "fix" it and offer solutions. The wives get upset because the husbands are trying to "fix " things. The husbands get upset because they are clueless as to why the wife gets upset.Happens to NT/NT as well as AS/NT in my opinion. Has more to do with gender differences I think breezy >> Recent Activity 2 New MembersVisit Your Group Yahoo! Health Memory Loss Are you at risk for Alzheimers? Meditation and Lovingkindness A Yahoo! Group to share and learn. Search Ads Get new customers. List your web site in Yahoo! Search. .. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 15, 2008 Report Share Posted June 15, 2008 Thanks Audrey Since I got on the board I have brought a few specifics up and I have been given pointers, advice etc. Thanks for clarifying what you meant. I have been taught a lot especially by Helen and . I appreciate them very much. But I have also appreciated not being in this alone by people like Daneka, , Jennie, JKZ etc. I can so relate to their stories as well as they relate to mine. Right now we have a trust issue going on and we are trying to deal with it. It may be getting better. I don't want to relate the issues with money again. I did it before and it is long and exhausting. Sandy Re: Spontaneity By DO SOMETHING I didn't mean get a divorce. I am a firm believerthat there are solutions to every problem. I know it is hard and Idefinitely feel for you. You should start a post about what is goingon with your marriage and give us some specifics so that we can helpyou creatively problem solve around some of your issues. Collectivelywe have more insight than any book ever could. This creative problemsolving is what I meant by "doing something." I'm not always the bestat emotional support-- when I hear problems, the only thing I want todo is find solutions.> >> > Hi Audrey,> > I am in a huge rush at the moment, but I read your post, and I> wanted to say -- Whoa! It's a much more complicated subject, and a> very important subject, so I just want to ask you to wait until> everyone has weighed in before you allow it to eat at you. > > In the end, you might determine that your own need for emotional> companionship is such that your particular boyfriend is not the right> life partner for you. Fair enough. I'd just like for everyone to> weigh in here first.. > > Will write more when I have more time.> > Daneka, whose AS husband's genuine affection is frequent and worth> its weight in gold> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 15, 2008 Report Share Posted June 15, 2008 I almost majored in Phsych. Instead I majored in Math and Accounting. I'm a big problem solver. I don't know if you were on the board when I came on it. But a number of my problems have somewhat been resolved. We still have others. Some are too personal to share. Sandy Re: Spontaneity I've seen what A.S. can do to a marriage if it goes undiagnosed. Myboyfriend's parents have an awful relationship and I can do nothingmore than feel sorry for them both because now that she finally knowshe has A.S., she can't alter her expectations for them, and he isreally very uninterested in the fact that he's an Aspie and has longsince checked out of the marriage because of the frustration at neverknowing exactly what it is that he did wrong.I'm double majoring, and one of my majors is Psych. I don'tunderstand this, but it makes sense-- women often don't want toproblem solve, but just want to vent and receive support. It's astrange concept to me, but I guess if it's what's getting you through,that's good. I think that maybe I'm just not understanding where someof you come from because I'm not a big "venter." > > > >> > > > Ladies - I dont get reassurance or affection from Ian unless I> > > actually ask him, which kind of negates the reason for wanting the> > > affection, as there is no spontaneity.> > > >> > > > If I do ask for a hug, he's happy to oblige; its taken a while for> > > Ian to know that its worth the effort, that its more like 'tryhugging> > > me, its nice for both of us'. He doesnt hug me at all if I dont ask.> > > It is painful, in that if you are really at rock bottom or in a> > > serious situation, he wont see this or wont wish to see this'what has> > > that to do with me?'. So you are on your own. If that is acceptable,> > > use others, friends and family, for the real support mechanismwe all> > > need. I have found that I would never get this from Ian in amonth of> > > Sundays.> > > >> > > > I have been out with, married to, and lived with, people who> > > weren't Aspies and they were affectionate at the drop of a hat, but> > > were collectively b*stards in one way or another. At least withIan I> > > know where I stand, and we work well together in so many other ways.> > > >> > > > Judy B, pragmatic, Scotland> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> >> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 15, 2008 Report Share Posted June 15, 2008 That's so true. [aspires-relationsh ips] Re: SpontaneityTo: aspires-relationshi psyahoogroups (DOT) comDate: Saturday, June 14, 2008, 9:49 PM I'm double majoring, and one of my majors is Psych. I don'tunderstand this, but it makes sense-- women often don't want toproblem solve, but just want to vent and receive support. It's astrange concept to me, but I guess if it's what's getting you through,that's good. I think that maybe I'm just not understanding where someof you come from because I'm not a big "venter." --- Since you are majoring in Psych I am sure you will understand that women often solve their own problems by venting. As they vent they are working on the problem in the back of their mind or working on a solution as they speak the problem out loud . In other words as they complain about it they fix it with the most viable sloution that comes to them as they work it out to whomever they are venting to. Not everyone does that obviously... . you clearly dont. But it is a pretty common thing for many women to do. Its one of the reasons wives have trouble talking over gripes with husbands. The husbands listen to the problem then think they need to "fix" it and offer solutions. The wives get upset because the husbands are trying to "fix " things. The husbands get upset because they are clueless as to why the wife gets upset.Happens to NT/NT as well as AS/NT in my opinion. Has more to do with gender differences I think breezy >> Recent Activity 2 New MembersVisit Your Group Yahoo! Health Memory Loss Are you at risk for Alzheimers? Meditation and Lovingkindness A Yahoo! Group to share and learn. Search Ads Get new customers. List your web site in Yahoo! Search. .. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 15, 2008 Report Share Posted June 15, 2008 Breezy and Audrey, I love being a woman! I am a fixer though, and not a venter: I do talk to people about my probelms, but I am delighted in a fix! I have learned to appreciate my NT woman friends who give me great feelings back in support of venting, though: it makes me feel loved, and that does help me feel better. ASBreezy wrote: From: Audrey <audreykayeatt (DOT) net>Subject: Re: SpontaneityTo: aspires-relationships Date: Saturday, June 14, 2008, 9:49 PM I'm double majoring, and one of my majors is Psych. I don'tunderstand this, but it makes sense-- women often don't want toproblem solve, but just want to vent and receive support. It's astrange concept to me, but I guess if it's what's getting you through,that's good. I think that maybe I'm just not understanding where someof you come from because I'm not a big "venter." --- Since you are majoring in Psych I am sure you will understand that women often solve their own problems by venting. As they vent they are working on the problem in the back of their mind or working on a solution as they speak the problem out loud . In other words as they complain about it they fix it with the most viable sloution that comes to them as they work it out to whomever they are venting to. Not everyone does that obviously.... you clearly dont. But it is a pretty common thing for many women to do. Its one of the reasons wives have trouble talking over gripes with husbands. The husbands listen to the problem then think they need to "fix" it and offer solutions. The wives get upset because the husbands are trying to "fix " things. The husbands get upset because they are clueless as to why the wife gets upset.Happens to NT/NT as well as AS/NT in my opinion. Has more to do with gender differences I think breezy >> Recent Activity 2 New MembersVisit Your Group Yahoo! Health Memory Loss Are you at risk for Alzheimers? Meditation and Lovingkindness A Yahoo! Group to share and learn. Search Ads Get new customers. List your web site in Yahoo! Search. . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 15, 2008 Report Share Posted June 15, 2008 whoopsie.. jkzmail did not write any of the comments below.. jkz detail orientedI know we need support-- that's why we joined. I'm sorry for postinganything at all. I should have kept it to myself.>> > > > I have dated plenty of N.T. men, and truth-be-told, I'd rather have my> A.S. guy 100% of the time. With an Aspie, you know everything is> genuine, and something as simple as a phone call or a hug is worth the> world. > > Audrey,> > > Not all of us NT's are on here complaining. I'm in this camp, of the > sentiments mentioned above. Most of my letters are positive, as areseveral others who > have been married for ten years are more. However, even in the bestmost > adaptable couples there are frustrations, and issues we need toshare, vent, get > validated. We, each of us need support. That's why we're here.> > > > > > **************Vote for your city's best dining and nightlife. City'sBest > 2008. (http://citysbest.aol.com?ncid=aolacg00050000000102)> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 18, 2008 Report Share Posted June 18, 2008 Audrey, You should do whatever you feel is best for you. Ultimately, it's your decision you'll make. I remember my mom telling me to do this or do that. That is, until one day I had a " heart to heart " chat with her. Went like this - " Mom, I love and respect you very much. I am thankful all you have done in Jeff's (my brother) and my lives. As much as I respct your opinion, I have something I must discuss with you. Remember when you gave Jeff and me the speech when I was about to turn 18 (my brother is two years younger) than me? You said to us, 'When you both turn 18, I can't tell you what to do anymore. You'll probably make many mistakes in life. But, I am confident that both of you will learn from your mistakes and go on to have productive lives. I am proud of both of you in terms of what you have done. I am proud that you survived one of the worst times of your life last year. " Then I said to her, " Mom, you're a wonderful woman and mom. Thank you for being you. However, I'm 41 years old. I understand your concern as a mother for her children. But, there comes a point when even mothers go too far over to their children side, where it feels like they are intruding on their children's life. Mom, that's what I have felt my entire life seemingly. You've gone beyond what a typical parent would have concern for Jeff and me. You want to know why I been aloof at you? Because you've been an interrogator to me for much of my life. Because you've tried to control me being an interrogator, I've tried contolling you by being aloof. Mom, I love you greatly and want to see both of us enjoy the rest of our lives in peace. I'm asking you to respect what I do in my personal life. " She replied, " , I love you very much and want what is best for you. However, the next time I go too far, please tell me to 'butt out'. " We went on to have the best conversation I could remember having with her since I was a small kid. I reminded her I would let her know when she was going too far into my personal life. That conversation restored my relationship with my mom . What am I suggesting? It's good that you listen to everyone else on here who has AS partners and hear various perspectives with their marriages. However, the ultimate decision is yours. No two people with AS are totally alike. Some people may have a mild form of AS; some severe. More power to you, as you make your decision in life. Live and let live. > > & gt; & gt; & gt; > > & gt; & gt; & gt; Ladies - I dont get reassurance or affection from Ian > unless I > > & gt; & gt; actually ask him, which kind of negates the reason for > wanting the > > & gt; & gt; affection, as there is no spontaneity. > > & gt; & gt; & gt; > > & gt; & gt; & gt; If I do ask for a hug, he's happy to oblige; its > taken a while for > > & gt; & gt; Ian to know that its worth the effort, that its more like > 'try hugging > > & gt; & gt; me, its nice for both of us'. He doesnt hug me at all if I > dont ask. > > & gt; & gt; It is painful, in that if you are really at rock bottom or > in a > > & gt; & gt; serious situation, he wont see this or wont wish to see > this 'what has > > & gt; & gt; that to do with me?'. So you are on your own. If that is > acceptable, > > & gt; & gt; use others, friends and family, for the real support > mechanism we all > > & gt; & gt; need. I have found that I would never get this from Ian in > a month of > > & gt; & gt; Sundays. > > & gt; & gt; & gt; > > & gt; & gt; & gt; I have been out with, married to, and lived with, > people who > > & gt; & gt; weren't Aspies and they were affectionate at the drop of a > hat, but > > & gt; & gt; were collectively b*stards in one way or another. At least > with Ian I > > & gt; & gt; know where I stand, and we work well together in so many > other ways. > > & gt; & gt; & gt; > > & gt; & gt; & gt; Judy B, pragmatic, Scotland > > & gt; & gt; > > & gt; & gt; > > & gt; & gt; > > & gt; & gt; > > & gt; & gt; > > & gt; > > > > & lt; /div & gt; > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 18, 2008 Report Share Posted June 18, 2008 I saw what I felt was AS and what that did to my last relationship I was involved. I don't have any regrets for her letting me go, because that allowed me to be proactive in getting the help I needed. > > > > > > > > > > Ladies - I dont get reassurance or affection from Ian unless I > > > > actually ask him, which kind of negates the reason for wanting the > > > > affection, as there is no spontaneity. > > > > > > > > > > If I do ask for a hug, he's happy to oblige; its taken a while for > > > > Ian to know that its worth the effort, that its more like 'try > hugging > > > > me, its nice for both of us'. He doesnt hug me at all if I dont ask. > > > > It is painful, in that if you are really at rock bottom or in a > > > > serious situation, he wont see this or wont wish to see this > 'what has > > > > that to do with me?'. So you are on your own. If that is acceptable, > > > > use others, friends and family, for the real support mechanism > we all > > > > need. I have found that I would never get this from Ian in a > month of > > > > Sundays. > > > > > > > > > > I have been out with, married to, and lived with, people who > > > > weren't Aspies and they were affectionate at the drop of a hat, but > > > > were collectively b*stards in one way or another. At least with > Ian I > > > > know where I stand, and we work well together in so many other ways. > > > > > > > > > > Judy B, pragmatic, Scotland > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 18, 2008 Report Share Posted June 18, 2008 I smell the classic ISTJ at that time in your life LOL. > > I almost majored in Phsych. Instead I majored in Math and Accounting. I'm a big problem solver. I don't know if you were on the board when I came on it. But a number of my problems have somewhat been resolved. We still have others. Some are too personal to share. > Sandy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 18, 2008 Report Share Posted June 18, 2008 If men could change places with women for one day, I wonder what the world would be like? > > Subject: Re: Spontaneity > To: aspires-relationships > Date: Saturday, June 14, 2008, 9:49 PM > > I'm double majoring, and one of my majors is Psych. I don't > understand this, but it makes sense-- women often don't want to > problem solve, but just want to vent and receive support. It's a > strange concept to me, but I guess if it's what's getting you through, > that's good. I think that maybe I'm just not understanding where some > of you come from because I'm not a big " venter. " > > --- Since you are majoring in Psych I am sure you will understand that women often solve their own problems by venting. As they vent they are working on the problem in the back of their mind or working on a solution as they speak the problem out loud . In other words as they complain about it they fix it with the most viable sloution that comes to them as they work it out to whomever they are venting to. Not everyone does that obviously.... you clearly dont. But it is a pretty common thing for many women to do. Its one of the reasons wives have trouble talking over gripes with husbands. The husbands listen to the problem then think they need to " fix " it and offer solutions. The wives get upset because the husbands are trying to " fix " things. The husbands get upset because they are clueless as to why the wife gets upset.Happens to NT/NT as well as AS/NT in my opinion. > Has more to do with gender differences I think > breezy > > > > > > > > Recent Activity > > 2 > New Members > > Visit Your Group > Yahoo! Health > Memory Loss > Are you at risk > for Alzheimers? > > Meditation and > Lovingkindness > A Yahoo! Group > to share and learn. > > Search Ads > Get new customers. > List your web site > in Yahoo! Search. > > > > . > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 18, 2008 Report Share Posted June 18, 2008 I don't understand the intitials. Re: Spontaneity I smell the classic ISTJ at that time in your life LOL.>> I almost majored in Phsych. Instead I majored in Math and Accounting. I'm a big problem solver. I don't know if you were on the board when I came on it. But a number of my problems have somewhat been resolved. We still have others. Some are too personal to share.> Sandy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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