Re: friends dropping by....

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the suggestions Verleen - I will certainly try inviting a few 'safe' friends around on a regular basis, to desensitise Ian to the fact that my house does have a dining room, a music room and extra seating for other people too! I like that idea. The secret is for them to greet Ian before they get to me, and to pay him lots of initial attention. He hates the kind of friends who squeal as the door opens and throw themselves at me, treading on him in the process. Tantrums ensue.

Ian can be absolutely charming to the right people, people he likes; if the timing is right and he is having a good day. I have had a friend turn up with dire news, needing help, and he was brilliant. Then on another day it could be catastrophic. Like when a new neighbour came to our door bearing wine and an introductory smile. Ian took the wine and shut the door. Wine and Ian were on the inside the door. Neighbour was on the outside the door. I was out at the time and he didn't even tell me - I saw the bottle of wine and asked about it, then he remembered. I am surprised she wasn't still on the doorstep when I got home, frozen smile and all.

As I don't reciprocate home visit invitations because of all of the above and more - I am sure most of my casual friends think I have Mrs Rochester in the attic. Or Bonnie Prince Charlie in the basement. Or that Ian doesn't exist. I was asked out on a date last week by a workmate, who was then surprised to find out I had a Significant Other. Seemingly, because my particular SO never appears at those hideous work outings and doesn't phone me up during work hours for long gooey chats. He gave me a real funny look (peculiar, not ha-ha). I wouldn't mind betting he thinks Ian is my 'imaginary friend' and that I was giving him the old brush off.

The other issues I have are with my newer acquaintances, who get huffy with me for not bringing Ian to 'coupley' things like weddings; they then assume Ian doesn't care for them and I have to tread a tightrope between giving too much of his personal stuff away, whilst explaining he just isn't into big social events. I can hardly say to them that he is shy - he can be very attention grabbing in public settings, and always wants to control the scene by loudly telling (you know what's coming.....) those inappropriate jokes. With the new friends, they either pass this test or they don't. So be it.

Strangely, Ian will sometimes offer invites to our house to random people he meets here and there but then not give dates, times or follow up on any phone numbers given. I would like to see his face if one of them actually trailed us home! So he wishes he was a great socialite, but in reality he can't talk the talk. The secret for us, when keeping company, is to maintain a very small (very very small) group of tried and true pals who don't like socialising much. Erk!

Judy B,

Subject: Re: Emotionaly DEAD...To: aspires-relationships Date: Friday, 21 November, 2008, 4:19 PM

Judy, I still don't have friends coming in and out of my house in a spontaneous way. I don't think, at least at this stage, that this is likely to happen. I miss it too. I do now go to friends homes without him if he won't come. When I invite people over, I let him know about it and remind him of how he should behave. If he can't be welcoming to my guests, then he knows he needs to go somewhere else. For me, its his place in the basement that he created. I want and need my friends to visit my home. Its my home too. I do try to see his side of it and plan for alternatives for him. I agree that setting limits to bad and destructive (to a relationship) behavior, actually helps the AS person to gain some self-discipline and grow outwardly. Why not start inviting a friend or two over? Prepare him ahead of time; allow him an 'out'. I picked friends who had quiet, non-threatening, and accepting

personalities. These were good choices because it was these people that he stayed and talked to. I have one good friend who is an extreme extrovert, controlling and loud. He disappears when she is there and I allow him that. I also planned these as short visits at first. Now I have some friends who visit for many hours without going into distress. I did all this slowly, but firmly. Verleen>> Verleen,>  > Ditto to all of this - I ask, how can my man (for it has to be he from your description) be in your house and mine at the same time - is this astral projection!>  > You'll recall I wrote about my personality being subsumed recently, that after a short time

away I quickly became the real me which I thought I had lost. And that's when I realised I hadn't change, but had just adapted far too much to his needs, leaving my own needs to wibble on the floor. >  > I guess that whilst Ian was working out who he was, he couldn't allow me to be in there battling for myself. And when I got back still being the real me, he didn't like that at all, asked why I wasn't being the compliant soul as before. So I had to work that out with him, saying this is how I am and I am not going to be like a Stepford Wife/Mummy any more, or just nod politely at your indulgent rudeness. Its more honest that way. We like each other again. And I do look out for him more, look after him more, because its a reciprocal arrangement now. We work problems out together rather than fire fight. >  >

It's helped Ian discipline himself more, and he knows I won't tolerate being left out of his outer life whilst he is so submerged in his inner world. We still don't have friends around or go to social events together - this is all lip service to him - I am always trying to draw him towards the really great people I know, and it never transpires. I really miss the spontaneity of just going in and out of each others' houses, as friends. Since being with Ian, my house seems to have a big red cross on the door....!>  >

[Guest guest]

Judy, I'm going to try your suggestion of coaching a friend to greet

first and engage him in a friendly way. If he withdraws,

then that's their sign to leave him be. If not, perhaps

will feel more a part of the visit and be more comfortable with the

company. I think its possible to coach some friends on how to

interact with him without revealing what the whole problem is. Most

already know that he is nonsocial and that may justify it. The

people I chose to come over sort of did all this without my coaching

them. They engaged him and talked to him. will usually

mention something that he is very interested in, such as his

collection of bryophytes. The average person, who doesn't know what

bryophytes are and could care less, dismisses him right at the get-

go. This friend actually knew what bryophytes where and talked to

him about them. And so, he stayed with us and participated in our

discussion. It was my job to make sure he didn't spend the next 4

hours talking about his bryophytes, while he didn't notice them

edging to the door to make their escape.....lol.

Oweeee, for your poor neighbor. Did you get to talk to her later?

Yes, I can see doing the same thing. He would see it as,

Neighbor wants to give us wine; take the wine; don't need to thank

her because we didn't ask for the wine; close the door; end of story.

I protected my friends from 's behavior and he from them for

far too long. I was afraid of what he would do and how to explain

it. Without knowing about aspergers yet, I decided to treat him as

an adult. He should and can control himself and behave for a short

time when I have company. If he is having a bad day and can't cope,

then he should leave and hide in his lab in the basement. I took

away his 'get out of jail free' card for bad behavior. I held him

accountable for his behavior and let him know it. The surprise was,

of course, that he could actually control himself. He just never

was made to. After I learned about aspergers, nothing changed with

me on this. I don't allow him to behave badly anymore because

the 'poor man has aspergers'.....lol. I think it helps him if I

script the social visit for him. He's not left to figure out all

possibilities for himself. For most of us, AS and NT alike, we all

rise up to what is expected of us. This worked because

loves me. If someone is married to or with a person that is

completely self-absorbed, then I'm not sure anything would work.

These people do not care about anyone else, only themselves. You

find these people among NTs and AS alike.

I loved your description of Ian trying to be a socialite but that he

can't talk the talk....lol. never tried to be the

socialite; he even didn't want me to talk to anyone else in the

beginning of our marriage. The man would be a complete hermit, like

his father, if it weren't for me. He tells me sometimes how much I

have improved his life. So something must be going well with all

this. Verleen

>

> Thanks for the suggestions Verleen - I will certainly try inviting

a few 'safe' friends around on a regular basis, to desensitise Ian to

the fact that my house does have a dining room, a music room and

extra seating for other people too! I like that idea. The secret is

for them to greet Ian before they get to me, and to pay him lots of

initial attention.  He hates the kind of friends who squeal as the

door opens and throw themselves at me, treading on him in the

process. Tantrums ensue.

>  

> Ian can be absolutely charming to the right people, people he

likes; if the timing is right and he is having a good day. I have had

a friend turn up with dire news, needing help, and he was brilliant.

Then on another day it could be catastrophic.  Like when a new

neighbour came to our door bearing wine and an introductory smile.

 Ian took the wine and shut the door. Wine and Ian were on the

inside the door. Neighbour was on the outside the door. I was out

at the time and he didn't even tell me - I saw the bottle of wine and

asked about it, then he remembered. I am surprised she wasn't still

on the doorstep when I got home, frozen smile and all.

>  

> As I don't reciprocate home visit invitations because of all of

the above and more  - I am sure most of my casual friends think I

have Mrs Rochester in the attic. Or Bonnie Prince Charlie in the

basement.  Or that Ian doesn't exist.  I was asked out on a date

last week by a workmate, who was then surprised to find out I had a

Significant Other. Seemingly, because my

particular SO never appears at those hideous work outings and

doesn't phone me up during work hours for long gooey chats. He gave

me a real funny look (peculiar, not ha-ha).  I wouldn't mind betting

he thinks Ian is my 'imaginary friend' and that I was giving him the

old brush off.

>  

> The other issues I have are with my newer acquaintances, who get

huffy with me for not bringing Ian to 'coupley' things like weddings;

they then assume Ian doesn't care for them and I have to tread a

tightrope between giving too much of his personal stuff away, whilst

explaining he just isn't into big social events. I can hardly say to

them that he is shy - he can be very attention grabbing in public

settings, and always wants to control the scene by loudly telling

(you know what's coming.....) those inappropriate jokes.  With the

new friends, they either pass this test or they don't. So be it.

>  

> Strangely, Ian will sometimes offer invites to our house

to random people he meets here and there but then not give dates,

times or follow up on any phone numbers given. I would like to see

his face if one of them actually trailed us home! So he wishes he

was a great socialite, but in reality he can't talk the talk.  The

secret for us, when keeping company, is to maintain a very small

(very very small) group of tried and true pals who don't like

socialising much. Erk!

>  

> Judy B,

>  

>

[Guest guest]

hi Verleen,

Lets see how we get on with our coaching! The neighbour did come back, but she hardly ever speaks to Ian....

Judy B, Diplomatic Corps, Scotland

Subject: Re: friends dropping by....To: aspires-relationships Date: Monday, 24 November, 2008, 1:35 PM

Judy, I'm going to try your suggestion of coaching a friend to greet first and engage him in a friendly way. If he withdraws, then that's their sign to leave him be. If not, perhaps will feel more a part of the visit and be more comfortable with the company. I think its possible to coach some friends on how to interact with him without revealing what the whole problem is. Most already know that he is nonsocial and that may justify it. The people I chose to come over sort of did all this without my coaching them. They engaged him and talked to him. will usually mention something that he is very interested in, such as his collection of bryophytes. The average person, who doesn't know what bryophytes are and could care less, dismisses him right at the get-go. This friend actually knew what bryophytes where and talked to him about them. And so, he stayed with us and participated

in our discussion. It was my job to make sure he didn't spend the next 4 hours talking about his bryophytes, while he didn't notice them edging to the door to make their escape.....lol.Oweeee, for your poor neighbor. Did you get to talk to her later? Yes, I can see doing the same thing. He would see it as, Neighbor wants to give us wine; take the wine; don't need to thank her because we didn't ask for the wine; close the door; end of story.I protected my friends from 's behavior and he from them for far too long. I was afraid of what he would do and how to explain it. Without knowing about aspergers yet, I decided to treat him as an adult. He should and can control himself and behave for a short time when I have company. If he is having a bad day and can't cope, then he should leave and hide in his lab in the basement. I took away his 'get out of jail free' card for bad

behavior. I held him accountable for his behavior and let him know it. The surprise was, of course, that he could actually control himself. He just never was made to. After I learned about aspergers, nothing changed with me on this. I don't allow him to behave badly anymore because the 'poor man has aspergers'.. ...lol. I think it helps him if I script the social visit for him. He's not left to figure out all possibilities for himself. For most of us, AS and NT alike, we all rise up to what is expected of us. This worked because loves me. If someone is married to or with a person that is completely self-absorbed, then I'm not sure anything would work. These people do not care about anyone else, only themselves. You find these people among NTs and AS alike.I loved your description of Ian trying to be a socialite but that he can't talk the talk....lol. never tried to be the

socialite; he even didn't want me to talk to anyone else in the beginning of our marriage. The man would be a complete hermit, like his father, if it weren't for me. He tells me sometimes how much I have improved his life. So something must be going well with all this. Verleen>> Thanks for the suggestions Verleen - I will certainly try inviting a few 'safe' friends around on a regular basis, to desensitise Ian to the fact that my house does have a dining room, a music room and extra seating for other people too! I like that idea. The secret is for them to greet Ian before they get to me, and to pay him lots of initial attention. He hates the kind of friends who squeal as the door opens

and throw themselves at me, treading on him in the process. Tantrums ensue. >  > Ian can be absolutely charming to the right people, people he likes; if the timing is right and he is having a good day. I have had a friend turn up with dire news, needing help, and he was brilliant. Then on another day it could be catastrophic. Like when a new neighbour came to our door bearing wine and an introductory smile.  Ian took the wine and shut the door. Wine and Ian were on the inside the door. Neighbour was on the outside the door. I was out at the time and he didn't even tell me - I saw the bottle of wine and asked about it, then he remembered. I am surprised she wasn't still on the doorstep when I got home, frozen smile and all.>  > As I don't reciprocate home visit invitations because of all of the above and more - I am

sure most of my casual friends think I have Mrs Rochester in the attic. Or Bonnie Prince Charlie in the basement. Or that Ian doesn't exist. I was asked out on a date last week by a workmate, who was then surprised to find out I had a Significant Other. Seemingly, because my particular SO never appears at those hideous work outings and doesn't phone me up during work hours for long gooey chats. He gave me a real funny look (peculiar, not ha-ha). I wouldn't mind betting he thinks Ian is my 'imaginary friend' and that I was giving him the old brush off. >  > The other issues I have are with my newer acquaintances, who get huffy with me for not bringing Ian to 'coupley' things like weddings; they then assume Ian doesn't care for them and I have to tread a tightrope between giving too much of his personal stuff away, whilst

explaining he just isn't into big social events. I can hardly say to them that he is shy - he can be very attention grabbing in public settings, and always wants to control the scene by loudly telling (you know what's coming.....) those inappropriate jokes. With the new friends, they either pass this test or they don't. So be it.>  > Strangely, Ian will sometimes offer invites to our house to random people he meets here and there but then not give dates, times or follow up on any phone numbers given. I would like to see his face if one of them actually trailed us home! So he wishes he was a great socialite, but in reality he can't talk the talk. The secret for us, when keeping company, is to maintain a very small (very very small) group of tried and true pals who don't like socialising much. Erk!>  >

Judy B, > Â >