Re: What works for me/intimacy/tactics

[Guest guest]

HI AllThere have been so many posts lately on the communication, intimacy and how two alien beings can keep going, that I thought I would put my thoughts into a nutshell - lots of thoughts, so its a coconut shell...... a very BIG coconut shell....

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[Guest guest]

HI AllThere have been so many posts lately on the communication, intimacy and how two alien beings can keep going, that I thought I would put my thoughts into a nutshell - lots of thoughts, so its a coconut shell...... a very BIG coconut shell....

I cant snip and paste very well in the format that Yahoo uses for my emails, but I'll have a go,,,, the first thing that struck me as familiar was in this post :

When we first dating I loved, what I perceived to be the way Usarian "challenged" my views and opinions. I didn't understand this was AS and not going to change.

This is the same for me - but the challenges are more like attacks to my intelligence and can be very demeaning. The thing is - he doesnt mean it the way it sounds. Its that 'little professor' Asperger thing.

Ian always counteracts what I say, even in matters in which I am well versed, because his opinion must be the right one. He is mortified if it is proved otherwise. Although it seems as though he simply isnt prepared to learn anything new, that he relies on his received knowledge.

He does eventually accept it when I am right but not without a struggle. I think it comes from being isolated as a child, and his giftedness was misdirected or maligned; he is so used to fighting his corner and being ignored or derided for his other behaviours that no one used to take his intelligence seriously. Its his habit to always put down the other person first.

Usually has a look on his face like someone just ruined his day.

Ian always takes the negative view - 'attack before being attacked', if someone doesnt contact him, if his literary agent hasnt responded to a piece of submitted work, then naturally its because they dont want to publish it or they hate him. I used to spend hours trying to resolve this just so we could move on with our lives, but I have found that this is a manipulative move - he is trying to gain some penance from me and is using me to boost his confidence. This became wearisome, I was like some court jester trying to tell the emperor that he looks great in those new clothes.... I think Ian would benefit more from learning how to deal with disappointment, or from learning to find out how to cope when other people do not responding to him instantly. Its a tough life.

In terms of intimacy and 's recent post: Ian is the same about foreplay. He can't concentrate for more than a few minutes on anything, unless he is on his own, immersed in a hobby (computer, writing, reading). When we do anything, including sexual things, together, he goes off the boil as his mind is fixed on the solution to a playstation two game rather than me, the case in hand! Nice, eh? i could swing from the chandelier in rubber catsuit and he would be muttering about some mathematical problem.

, its how you get them to keep to the slow build up that is the art of a great sex life. With Ian, I have got somewhere by enacting the foreplay to him as the chief target, and once he knows how nice that feels, I can ask him to reciprocate. I have to ask though. And I dont always get. By giving Ian the foreplay it slows him down and gives me a chance to catch up, so to speak. I have given up trying to get him to try Tantric sex and all that. Its more like Tarantula sex, all waving arms, elbows and a fist in the eye. He is clumsy and its not at all good. So I have to admit I havent got a sex god on my hands, and its never going to change. I'll have to get a gardener.

Mostly the day to day connection for us is in shared humour, making up rude songs, playfulness. Ian is quite childlike and he can be naive in many ways. Our strongest links come from our shared likes and dislikes. This isnt consistent; we dont spend time every day doing things together as Ian hates prolonged contact, and it has taken years of perfecting a system where I talk to him at odd times in the day so I get some kind of attentiveness. Its been hard, I have had to swallow shedloads of resentment - I now accept that this is the way we are. Sometimes I am so good at keeping out of his hair that Ian accuses me of being distant! Yeah, right!

Anger - I once found that if I shouted back at Ian in the same meltdown manner as he did to me, he was terrified, nay, horrified. This is how you sound, I said. It helped him see himself as I did. I also now answer him in a very decisive, clear and loud voice, if he is getting arrogant or sneery, pre-meltdown. I used to be the church mouse around him but I am not doing myself any favours that way. It made him more manipulative. I found that he prefers me to be straight with him, and say NO if I mean no. It wont kill him.

Realising the meltdowns are a chemical build up and a reaction to fear and indecision, and a release of a host of pent up ills, helps to understand that the meltdowns are not aimed at me personally. Ian hates them as much as I do. So I've learnt to read the onset signs, especially if we are out and about that means I can avert an incident. Ian tries to tell me in advance if he is hurting about something. Having to change our plans if a place is noisy, smelling strange or not to his liking still galls me to the core, but I can adjust so much better than he can.

He also turns to me if he feels an injustice has happened in the day and we talk it through. A lot of the time its a passing situation that Ian has taken to heart. It still applies that he cant believe I am right when I give him my views but it means he doesnt react immediately and now waits until he speaks to me before it becomes a stimmie or an obsession. This has saved him from yelling or melting down as an immediate reaction, now he keeps it under wraps until he finds me.

He has 'incidents' all the time - like going into our local post office to collect a parcel, wearing his favourite 'glowering gargoyle' expression. "This is all beneath me y'know. I could be at home doing something important. Why isnt Judy doing this, she's better at this than I am" (translation: I cant be bothered, let the NT do the chores...).

He stood in the wrong part of the PO queue and then made what he thought was an erudite remark to the Post Mistress, as in 'whats keeping you, off you go then, I want my parcel'. She took umbrage (and took herself off to the first in the queue customer) and Ian couldnt understand why. I had come in to the PO behind him, saw all, and it sounded and looked like he was an arrogant piggie. He didnt mean to be, he thought he was the height of wit. She got his parcel and muttered a comment, 'you do get some right ones in here' and then Ian took offence...... Humph. If that had been me I would have joined in the joke, but Ian just gave her a toxic stare and slammed out. Another one off my Christmas list.

He has a tendency to repeat his bad, tasteless jokes, usually in front of the worst possible person, and repeat well worn phrases that dont fit every situation, because they are in his repertoire. He doesnt listen, amend or learn. Even when he gets a smack in the chops for his trouble.

In terms of decompressing that is a daily essential. No matter how worn out I am, how desperately worried about money (Credit Crunch? More like Credit Chewed up and Spat it Out in our house) I cant let Ian know, he cannot cope. Yet because he gets uptight about things I see as mere blips, he needs lots of attention from me to work out his wrinkles. Seems unfair.

So its a case of working in isolation; of daily assessment and adapting; of working through meltdowns; of helping Ian translate the NT world and for him, who so much wants to succeed and communicate in the NT world, but cant, to accept that this isnt always a bad thing. I learned from Ian to be a stronger person and to shout when I have to, but its very much an unequal partnership. I do all the practical things, including re-plastering the falling down bathroom, which Ian said was a waste of time even as a lump of brick hit him on the arm during his ablutions one morning.

Its a case of ignoring the snide remarks of others, and being proud of my man.. Its knowing he is clumsy, unperceptive and priggish.

The worst thing I can do is to become his carer, and sometimes that is how I come across, even how I sometimes feel. I try to remember I am his lover, but he can be such a kid that I feel like his mum.

I know this is the longest nutshell in history. I hope you made it this far.....

Judy B, hanging on in there because Ian can sing the same song