Re: Newbie

[Guest guest]

Bonjour Carole

My best resource has been a book called " From Fatigued to Fantastic " by

Teitlebaum M.D.

He mentions where to get PCR testing done. Here in Australia there are two

private laboratories who can do the testing, so we have to pay - about $400.

The web site for the book is www.endfatigue.com we bought the book from

this site. His book contains the protocols for testing and treating, and

lists useful resources in USA. It was people from my son's e-group that gave

us the world list of doctors who were willing to use the tetracycline

protocols. I posted a copy of that to someone in the group the other day.

I haven't had the blood test yet. My doctor is following the protocols

without it, helping me to deal with leaky gut first, common with chronic

illness, get my body a healthy as possible and then have the tests and use

minocycline. My son who has rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia is

improving in health really well with minocycline after only 2 months- it is

like a miracle. The alternative offered by most medical doctors was heavy

duty drugs, successive degeneration and wheelchair.

Do check out the website. Where in France do you live? Such warm sunny days

sound great to me.

Regards

Durelle

-- Re: newbie

Yes, Durelle,

We started two jears ago to try to understand why it was said that there

mere nothing to explain fibromyalgia.

We have got a date with the french cabinet of the Healthminister and we had

10 items of research for fibromyalgia to discuss.

We had a lot of scientifical abstracts and they were convinced someting has

to be done !

so we are fighting further also to understand better about mycoplasma. What

is difficult is that the blood exam to find this very special (little)

mycoplasma are not possible in France (only in a cas of a research study).

Had you this research in your blood ?

I wish you all a nice week-end ! here it is 35° degrees... we can't move !

carole

[Guest guest]

Hi Elaine

Nice to hear from you I joined this group a few weeks ago and I'm in exactly the same boat as you my husband has aspergers diagnoised 3 years ago and my daughter also has aspergers.My husband is 41 and like yours is exactly the same he wont talk ,everything is my fault and he's on a planet by himself.I have been to see the solicitor this week as I don't think I can take much more of this plus it is effecting the children not as much my daughter but my son ( he's not got aspergers).I'm trying to hold it all together with no help and support apart from this aspires.

I think you have to think for yourself where do you see your marriage in 2 years time can you see there been much improvement or will it be the same or worse??> If the answer is the same or worse then you have to think of your sanity and that of your child.

Sometimes even if there is a good bit it doesn't last long plus after all the things that have been said and done do you really want to be there?.

My husband has obbsessions washing his hair and envelopes all in boxes all around the house over 22 in the bedroom!!!!!!!! He wont listen and like you I was thinking a mid life crisis.What I did was sit down and wrote all the good points and all the bad points then make a decision.

Only you can make it no one else,if like me you have tried everything possible to do something and still nothing has changed you've done all you can.My husband was my solemate but at this junction in my life I don't feel anything for him he's a total stranger and making my life hell and my children are suffering.

If you need to chat then I'm only an email away.

Take care

Nance

Newbie

Hello everyone, my name is Elaine 46 from Milton Keynes UK. I have been married to Gilroy 44 for 15 years although we have been together for 21, we have a son Adam 13 who has Aspergers diagnosis, ignorant i know but i had never heard of Aspergers till 5 years ago, i researched it as much as i could and soon discovered that my husband has Aspergers also. Our sons psychologist agreed to observe Gil during our meetings with her and after a few weeks agreed that he displayed many of the Asperger traits, her advice was to either see our GP to set the dianosis ball rolling, or for my husband to self refer to Northampton Hospital. Our GP was as much use as a chocolate tea pot and could not understand what benefit my husband could get from a 'label', because of his negative attitude my husband refuses to 'tell' anyone else. Together we have studied Aspergers and although in denial at first he soon came to realise that he really was not a failure and there was a reason he was the way he was, this was a huge weight off his shoulders as he had always thought (cause he was told) he had psychotic problems. He is one in a million and my soul mate, my son is my life, my reason for breathing. My husband and i have hit a wall, we are at breaking point and i need help to understand where i am going wrong, i don't know what to do to save our marriage as communication just does not happen, help me understand why? what shall i do? he seems to want help also, and showed interest at me joining this group however he refuses to go to Relate with me and refuses to speak to anyone, he is quite happy for me to do everything and feed back to him as he is comfortable with the way i re-phrase till he understands. If we didn't think my hubby had Aspergers i would just say he's having a mid life crisis, these past 3 years he has changed so much i hardly recognise him, he shuts me out when he never used too, and is depressed that everyone around him has had there 'clubbing' days except for him. He seems to resent me for everything he has ever missed out on even though we didn't meet till he was 23. I could go on and on but 1, i will soon run out of space 2, i have to get Adam off to school. Listen you guy's any advice you give to help me understand his 'shut down' will be used, and ladie's if you have gone through similar how did you handle it? Thanks in advance everyone. Elaine

[Guest guest]

Elaine,

I am a woman with AS. Welcome.

>>Hello everyone, my name is Elaine 46 from Milton Keynes UK. I have been married to Gilroy 44 for 15 years although we have been together for 21, [edit] Relate with me and refuses to speak to anyone, he is quite happy for me to do everything and feed back to him as he is comfortable with the way i re-phrase till he understands.<<

As to this, it's probably just a bad habit. If you continue to do this for him he will stay happy with it. I'm not completely sure what you are referring to but.... If you mean that you have to rephrase your words until he understands does that mean that he says to you "I don't understand" or do you just 'know' that he doesn't understand and proceed with a new explanation? Could you explain a little more of what exactly is going on in this scenario?

>>If we didn't think my hubby had Aspergers i would just say he's having a mid life crisis, these past 3 years he has changed so much i hardly recognise him, he shuts me out when he never used too, and is depressed that everyone around him has had there 'clubbing' days except for him. He seems to resent me for everything he has ever missed out on even though we didn't meet till he was 23. I could go on and on but 1, i will soon run out of space 2, i have to get Adam off to school. Listen you guy's any advice you give to help me understand his 'shut down' will be used, and ladie's if you have gone through similar how did you handle it? Thanks in advance everyone. Elaine<<

What you are describing sounds like your husband is going through a grieving process. I went through this when I first learned about having AS. I realized that I would never be able to be 'normal' that I would never be able to fit in. My whole life I had tried to fit in, tried to make things work then I was run up against the rock wall of 'you are AS, you are broken, you will never be normal, you are hopeless, worthless, etc' are some of the thoughts that ran through my head back then. It was a process to work through those and yes there was a time when I was angry about it. I had spent 25 yrs of my life thinking I was normal, thinking I just needed to work harder to fit in, only to realize that I will never fit in. It simply isn't going to happen. Part of grieving is to be angry. If you look up the effects of grieving you will find that people who are grieving, whether it be the death of a loved one or something like this, often react in anger and/or withdrawal at those closest to them. Men in particular tend to withdraw more than women. You are after all the safest person in his life. Ironic but reality is most people lash out at those closest to them.

I don't know if this applies to your husband, it's just what came to mind based off your description. It's what happened to me. As to how to handle it.. if you think this fits and is what is going on then I would say handle it with the same concern and consideration you would have for anyone in a grieving process. He may have on one level accepted his AS, accepted he isn't a failure for having it but that doesn't mean its not still tearing him apart. Just as when one grieves over losing a loved one, you go up and down over time being 'ok' and not being ok. In my experience learning I had AS was initially the same to me as losing my sister, losing my grandmother and losing my baby. It was a gradual process of learning to accept myself, learning to accept that some doors will never be open to me, learning to accept that I will never be a part of the things that I always thought I would be. Hope this helps,

Jennie AS

[Guest guest]

Hello Jennie

Thank you so much for your honest reply, everything you said makes perfect sense, Gilroy does suffer quite badly from social anxiety and uses all his energy just trying to cope with his surroundings. He also suffers hyperhydrosis which adds to his stress, its because of these two things that he 'switches off' in public, he loses all concentration and does not take in anything anyone says, he simply does not hear what is being said to him which is why i usually have to take control of the conversation and relay it back to him in simple terms which he can understand given the stress he is trying to cope with at that time. He does sometimes ask me to explain but 99% of the time its just a look that he has on his face that i pick up on and know he is struggling. Because of his withdrawal from me i honestly thought it was because he didn't care for me anymore, this makes me feel rejected, and unwanted and very very lonely, i didn't

once consider it could be because he was going through the grieving process (which i went through myself on hearing our sons diagnosis). What i meant by 'mid life crisis' was he seems to want to do the social things that teenagers do ie clubbing, playing computer games till the early hours etc and does not do anything else, he never does any of the 'man of the house' stuff other men do, i do absolutely everything, he seems so self absorbed with his appearance always making sure his hair is perfect splashing on the aftershave etc etc. The thing is my husband does not need to worry about his appearance, he is 44 but people ALWAYS mistake him for someone half his age, he is gorgeous, and has a body any male model would be jealous over, its because of this i just cant understand why he is so self absorbed and put it down to narcissism, when in fact it could be because he is so self conscious of his hyperhydrosis in public. When i

met Gilroy he was regularly seeing a psychiatrist, i could never understand why, he was such a happy go lucky chap always singing and prancing around, didn't drink, didn't take drugs, was never an ASBO candidate, he has been in the mental health system on and off for years and never once did any of these so called experts pick up on the fact that his problem wasn't psychological but neurological, no one picked up on Autism. It took me just a couple of months of reading every book on the subject the library had, to realise that was what was different about him, he's autistic not psychotic. I was furious that he had been let down by the health system all his life and had 'fallen through the net'.

All this time i have been silently blaming him for me feeling lonely, worthless, unwanted, not good enough, when all along it's actually what he feels like inside himself, it makes sense now, why else would he sweat so much even in winter, why else would his hands shake uncontrollably, why else would he become so clumsy in public, and he is always saying he never feels he fits in anywhere, and is paranoid that people think he is an idiot, and does not have anything of interest to say or any valuable input in group conversations. To be honest with you i think that because i have been under so much pressure myself it has prevented me from trying to understand what he may be feeling, because of that pressure i have been very angry and bad tempered so much, which i can see must make him feel even more insecure so he has just simply withdrawn within himself and not necessarily from me.

The advice you have given me is exactly why i joined this group, i so wanted to hear from adults with Aspergers and learn from them..

Thank you

Elaine

Re: Newbie

Elaine,

I am a woman with AS. Welcome.

>>Hello everyone, my name is Elaine 46 from Milton Keynes UK. I have been married to Gilroy 44 for 15 years although we have been together for 21, [edit] Relate with me and refuses to speak to anyone, he is quite happy for me to do everything and feed back to him as he is comfortable with the way i re-phrase till he understands.<<

As to this, it's probably just a bad habit. If you continue to do this for him he will stay happy with it. I'm not completely sure what you are referring to but.... If you mean that you have to rephrase your words until he understands does that mean that he says to you "I don't understand" or do you just 'know' that he doesn't understand and proceed with a new explanation? Could you explain a little more of what exactly is going on in this scenario?

>>If we didn't think my hubby had Aspergers i would just say he's having a mid life crisis, these past 3 years he has changed so much i hardly recognise him, he shuts me out when he never used too, and is depressed that everyone around him has had there 'clubbing' days except for him. He seems to resent me for everything he has ever missed out on even though we didn't meet till he was 23. I could go on and on but 1, i will soon run out of space 2, i have to get Adam off to school. Listen you guy's any advice you give to help me understand his 'shut down' will be used, and ladie's if you have gone through similar how did you handle it? Thanks in advance everyone. Elaine<<

What you are describing sounds like your husband is going through a grieving process. I went through this when I first learned about having AS. I realized that I would never be able to be 'normal' that I would never be able to fit in. My whole life I had tried to fit in, tried to make things work then I was run up against the rock wall of 'you are AS, you are broken, you will never be normal, you are hopeless, worthless, etc' are some of the thoughts that ran through my head back then. It was a process to work through those and yes there was a time when I was angry about it. I had spent 25 yrs of my life thinking I was normal, thinking I just needed to work harder to fit in, only to realize that I will never fit in. It simply isn't going to happen. Part of grieving is to be angry. If you look up the effects of grieving you will find that people who are grieving, whether it be the death of a loved one or something like

this, often react in anger and/or withdrawal at those closest to them. Men in particular tend to withdraw more than women. You are after all the safest person in his life. Ironic but reality is most people lash out at those closest to them.

I don't know if this applies to your husband, it's just what came to mind based off your description. It's what happened to me. As to how to handle it.. if you think this fits and is what is going on then I would say handle it with the same concern and consideration you would have for anyone in a grieving process. He may have on one level accepted his AS, accepted he isn't a failure for having it but that doesn't mean its not still tearing him apart. Just as when one grieves over losing a loved one, you go up and down over time being 'ok' and not being ok. In my experience learning I had AS was initially the same to me as losing my sister, losing my grandmother and losing my baby. It was a gradual process of learning to accept myself, learning to accept that some doors will never be open to me, learning to accept that I will never be a part of the things that I always thought I would be. Hope this helps,

Jennie AS

[Guest guest]

Elaine, your story could be mine; so many similarities! The sweating for Ian is part of his anxiety when is social settings. He isnt good at co-ordination and cant hold heavy objects without dropping them; its dypraxic?

You have such a great understanding of Gilroy and his fears that you are 99% there already, he is very lucky to have you and you him.

Judy B,

Subject: Re: NewbieTo: aspires-relationships Date: Wednesday, 10 September, 2008, 9:17 PM

Hello Jennie

Thank you so much for your honest reply, everything you said makes perfect sense, Gilroy does suffer quite badly from social anxiety and uses all his energy just trying to cope with his surroundings. He also suffers hyperhydrosis which adds to his stress, its because of these two things that he 'switches off' in public, he loses all concentration and does not take in anything anyone says, he simply does not hear what is being said to him which is why i usually have to take control of the conversation and relay it back to him in simple terms which he can understand given the stress he is trying to cope with at that time. He does sometimes ask me to explain but 99% of the time its just a look that he has on his face that i pick up on and know he is struggling. Because of his withdrawal from me i honestly thought it was because he didn't care for me anymore, this makes me feel rejected, and unwanted and very very lonely, i didn't

once consider it could be because he was going through the grieving process (which i went through myself on hearing our sons diagnosis). What i meant by 'mid life crisis' was he seems to want to do the social things that teenagers do ie clubbing, playing computer games till the early hours etc and does not do anything else, he never does any of the 'man of the house' stuff other men do, i do absolutely everything, he seems so self absorbed with his appearance always making sure his hair is perfect splashing on the aftershave etc etc. The thing is my husband does not need to worry about his appearance, he is 44 but people ALWAYS mistake him for someone half his age, he is gorgeous, and has a body any male model would be jealous over, its because of this i just cant understand why he is so self absorbed and put it down to narcissism, when in fact it could be because he is so self conscious of his hyperhydrosis in public. When i

met Gilroy he was regularly seeing a psychiatrist, i could never understand why, he was such a happy go lucky chap always singing and prancing around, didn't drink, didn't take drugs, was never an ASBO candidate, he has been in the mental health system on and off for years and never once did any of these so called experts pick up on the fact that his problem wasn't psychological but neurological, no one picked up on Autism. It took me just a couple of months of reading every book on the subject the library had, to realise that was what was different about him, he's autistic not psychotic. I was furious that he had been let down by the health system all his life and had 'fallen through the net'.

All this time i have been silently blaming him for me feeling lonely, worthless, unwanted, not good enough, when all along it's actually what he feels like inside himself, it makes sense now, why else would he sweat so much even in winter, why else would his hands shake uncontrollably, why else would he become so clumsy in public, and he is always saying he never feels he fits in anywhere, and is paranoid that people think he is an idiot, and does not have anything of interest to say or any valuable input in group conversations. To be honest with you i think that because i have been under so much pressure myself it has prevented me from trying to understand what he may be feeling, because of that pressure i have been very angry and bad tempered so much, which i can see must make him feel even more insecure so he has just simply withdrawn within himself and not necessarily from me.

The advice you have given me is exactly why i joined this group, i so wanted to hear from adults with Aspergers and learn from them..

Thank you

Elaine

Re: [aspires-relationsh ips] Newbie

Elaine,

I am a woman with AS. Welcome.

>>Hello everyone, my name is Elaine 46 from Milton Keynes UK. I have been married to Gilroy 44 for 15 years although we have been together for 21, [edit] Relate with me and refuses to speak to anyone, he is quite happy for me to do everything and feed back to him as he is comfortable with the way i re-phrase till he understands.<<

As to this, it's probably just a bad habit. If you continue to do this for him he will stay happy with it. I'm not completely sure what you are referring to but.... If you mean that you have to rephrase your words until he understands does that mean that he says to you "I don't understand" or do you just 'know' that he doesn't understand and proceed with a new explanation? Could you explain a little more of what exactly is going on in this scenario?

>>If we didn't think my hubby had Aspergers i would just say he's having a mid life crisis, these past 3 years he has changed so much i hardly recognise him, he shuts me out when he never used too, and is depressed that everyone around him has had there 'clubbing' days except for him. He seems to resent me for everything he has ever missed out on even though we didn't meet till he was 23. I could go on and on but 1, i will soon run out of space 2, i have to get Adam off to school. Listen you guy's any advice you give to help me understand his 'shut down' will be used, and ladie's if you have gone through similar how did you handle it? Thanks in advance everyone. Elaine<<

What you are describing sounds like your husband is going through a grieving process. I went through this when I first learned about having AS. I realized that I would never be able to be 'normal' that I would never be able to fit in. My whole life I had tried to fit in, tried to make things work then I was run up against the rock wall of 'you are AS, you are broken, you will never be normal, you are hopeless, worthless, etc' are some of the thoughts that ran through my head back then. It was a process to work through those and yes there was a time when I was angry about it. I had spent 25 yrs of my life thinking I was normal, thinking I just needed to work harder to fit in, only to realize that I will never fit in. It simply isn't going to happen. Part of grieving is to be angry. If you look up the effects of grieving you will find that people who are grieving, whether it be the death of a loved one or something like

this, often react in anger and/or withdrawal at those closest to them. Men in particular tend to withdraw more than women. You are after all the safest person in his life. Ironic but reality is most people lash out at those closest to them.

I don't know if this applies to your husband, it's just what came to mind based off your description. It's what happened to me. As to how to handle it.. if you think this fits and is what is going on then I would say handle it with the same concern and consideration you would have for anyone in a grieving process. He may have on one level accepted his AS, accepted he isn't a failure for having it but that doesn't mean its not still tearing him apart. Just as when one grieves over losing a loved one, you go up and down over time being 'ok' and not being ok. In my experience learning I had AS was initially the same to me as losing my sister, losing my grandmother and losing my baby. It was a gradual process of learning to accept myself, learning to accept that some doors will never be open to me, learning to accept that I will never be a part of the things that I always thought I would be. Hope this helps,

Jennie AS

[Guest guest]

Thank you Judy B

To think this time on Sunday gone i asked Gilroy if he wanted to split up! i went on and on and he just simply ignored me as if i wasn't talking at all, this made me think i was right! i had hit the nail on the head he does want to split up. That night i had dream after dream waking up at least 5 times of my ex husband(deceased) trying to talk me out of it which is why i went on line searching for a group site like this, i'm so glad i found this one, being a Sagittarius i'm very often impulsive and don't often think before i speak. Your right i am lucky to have him, i just need reminding of that now and then.

Elaine

Re: [aspires-relationsh ips] Newbie

Elaine,

I am a woman with AS. Welcome.

>>Hello everyone, my name is Elaine 46 from Milton Keynes UK. I have been married to Gilroy 44 for 15 years although we have been together for 21, [edit] Relate with me and refuses to speak to anyone, he is quite happy for me to do everything and feed back to him as he is comfortable with the way i re-phrase till he understands.<<

As to this, it's probably just a bad habit. If you continue to do this for him he will stay happy with it. I'm not completely sure what you are referring to but.... If you mean that you have to rephrase your words until he understands does that mean that he says to you "I don't understand" or do you just 'know' that he doesn't understand and proceed with a new explanation? Could you explain a little more of what exactly is going on in this scenario?

>>If we didn't think my hubby had Aspergers i would just say he's having a mid life crisis, these past 3 years he has changed so much i hardly recognise him, he shuts me out when he never used too, and is depressed that everyone around him has had there 'clubbing' days except for him. He seems to resent me for everything he has ever missed out on even though we didn't meet till he was 23. I could go on and on but 1, i will soon run out of space 2, i have to get Adam off to school. Listen you guy's any advice you give to help me understand his 'shut down' will be used, and ladie's if you have gone through similar how did you handle it? Thanks in advance everyone. Elaine<<

What you are describing sounds like your husband is going through a grieving process. I went through this when I first learned about having AS. I realized that I would never be able to be 'normal' that I would never be able to fit in. My whole life I had tried to fit in, tried to make things work then I was run up against the rock wall of 'you are AS, you are broken, you will never be normal, you are hopeless, worthless, etc' are some of the thoughts that ran through my head back then. It was a process to work through those and yes there was a time when I was angry about it.. I had spent 25 yrs of my life thinking I was normal, thinking I just needed to work harder to fit in, only to realize that I will never fit in. It simply isn't going to happen. Part of grieving is to be angry. If you look up the effects of grieving you will find that people who are grieving, whether it be the death of a loved one or something like

this, often react in anger and/or withdrawal at those closest to them. Men in particular tend to withdraw more than women. You are after all the safest person in his life. Ironic but reality is most people lash out at those closest to them.

I don't know if this applies to your husband, it's just what came to mind based off your description. It's what happened to me. As to how to handle it.. if you think this fits and is what is going on then I would say handle it with the same concern and consideration you would have for anyone in a grieving process. He may have on one level accepted his AS, accepted he isn't a failure for having it but that doesn't mean its not still tearing him apart. Just as when one grieves over losing a loved one, you go up and down over time being 'ok' and not being ok. In my experience learning I had AS was initially the same to me as losing my sister, losing my grandmother and losing my baby. It was a gradual process of learning to accept myself, learning to accept that some doors will never be open to me, learning to accept that I will never be a part of the things that I always thought I would be. Hope this helps,

Jennie AS

[Guest guest]

WOW.

I see there are a lot of messages flying around on this, but I see so many similarities to my own life, I'd like to share

My name's Usarian. My wife is the usual poster here. I have AS, she is NT. We have 5 boys together,m the oldest is hard core AS, then a younger is diagnosed severely autistic, though he is no longer non-verbal.

I went through school in upstate NY with everybody and their brother trying to figure out what was wrong with me. "He's smart, but he just doesn't apply himself" or complaints of daydreaming. I was excessively focussed on programming computers from 8 years old up.

I was diagnosed with a general learning disability that was never named and placed in the "resource room", a special ed class with only a handful of students. The diagnosis also stated that I had social development issues.

I met with school counselors/psychiatrists daily until I dropped out after 10'th grade.

bla bla bla I wandered thru life until I got married, then it was nothing but fighting. I honestly don't know why my wife married me since we fought all through our engagement, and for years into our marriage.

We fought because she wasn't being "open" with me. In other words, if I asked her a question, I expected a direct accurate answer. If the answer didn't fit my criteria, or if I misunderstood it, I tried desperately to correct the problem, which just offended her and exasperated her.

If I made a statement and she tried to adjust a fact or explain something or outright disagree, I escalated my statement wondering to myself what the heck was wrong with her.

Now we never fight. Ever.

Why?

The simple answer is she doesn't argue with me. She doesn't get offended when I make a statement that is inaccurate and cannot hear anything back. She just chalks it up to AS and moves on.

She doesn't like the way I describe the changes.. I changed a lot myself, but in all honesty she really did change dramatically the way she "handles" me.

I'm sorry that your husband is ashamed of the concept of AS, but I really can't blame him the way it is publicized as a disease.

If he is not aware, let him know that there is a community of us who believe that people with AS are not inferior to non-spectrum people. I like to make the tongue-in-cheek argument that we are the next step in the evolutionary process! Intellect unhindered by emotion or a need to conform to a set of external arbitrary rules. Unfortunately, for now, we must simulate the mere humans with whom we make our livings and for the sake of maintaining a stable home.

I can only imagine how this sounds.. I've been interrupted 6 times already with screaming children and a busy wife. Years past that would have put me on the warpath big time..

I'll let this one go as-is I guess, but I hope you are able to calm the storm before too long.

Good luck!

Usarian

From: alexhoey1961

Sent: Wednesday, September 10, 2008 2:10 AM

To: aspires-relationships

Subject: Newbie

Hello everyone, my name is Elaine 46 from Milton Keynes UK. I have been married to Gilroy 44 for 15 years although we have been together for 21, we have a son Adam 13 who has Aspergers diagnosis, ignorant i know but i had never heard of Aspergers till 5 years ago, i researched it as much as i could and soon discovered that my husband has Aspergers also. Our sons psychologist agreed to observe Gil during our meetings with her and after a few weeks agreed that he displayed many of the Asperger traits, her advice was to either see our GP to set the dianosis ball rolling, or for my husband to self refer to Northampton Hospital. Our GP was as much use as a chocolate tea pot and could not understand what benefit my husband could get from a 'label', because of his negative attitude my husband refuses to 'tell' anyone else. Together we have studied Aspergers and although in denial at first he soon came to realise that he really was not a failure and there was a reason he was the way he was, this was a huge weight off his shoulders as he had always thought (cause he was told) he had psychotic problems. He is one in a million and my soul mate, my son is my life, my reason for breathing. My husband and i have hit a wall, we are at breaking point and i need help to understand where i am going wrong, i don't know what to do to save our marriage as communication just does not happen, help me understand why? what shall i do? he seems to want help also, and showed interest at me joining this group however he refuses to go to Relate with me and refuses to speak to anyone, he is quite happy for me to do everything and feed back to him as he is comfortable with the way i re-phrase till he understands. If we didn't think my hubby had Aspergers i would just say he's having a mid life crisis, these past 3 years he has changed so much i hardly recognise him, he shuts me out when he never used too, and is depressed that everyone around him has had there 'clubbing' days except for him. He seems to resent me for everything he has ever missed out on even though we didn't meet till he was 23. I could go on and on but 1, i will soon run out of space 2, i have to get Adam off to school. Listen you guy's any advice you give to help me understand his 'shut down' will be used, and ladie's if you have gone through similar how did you handle it? Thanks in advance everyone. Elaine

[Guest guest]

>My husband has obbsessions washing his hair and envelopes all in boxes all around the house over 22 in the bedroom!!!!!!!!

Honestly.. that doesn't sound much like Asperger's syndrome.. that sounds more like Obsessive Compulsive disorder or Manic Depressive or Bi Polar or something like that.

Asperger's is a social interaction thing and communication thing, not really a mental disease.

From:

Sent: Wednesday, September 10, 2008 8:36 AM

To: aspires-relationships

Subject: Re: Newbie

Hi Elaine

Nice to hear from you I joined this group a few weeks ago and I'm in exactly the same boat as you my husband has aspergers diagnoised 3 years ago and my daughter also has aspergers.My husband is 41 and like yours is exactly the same he wont talk ,everything is my fault and he's on a planet by himself.I have been to see the solicitor this week as I don't think I can take much more of this plus it is effecting the children not as much my daughter but my son ( he's not got aspergers).I'm trying to hold it all together with no help and support apart from this aspires.

I think you have to think for yourself where do you see your marriage in 2 years time can you see there been much improvement or will it be the same or worse??> If the answer is the same or worse then you have to think of your sanity and that of your child.

Sometimes even if there is a good bit it doesn't last long plus after all the things that have been said and done do you really want to be there?.

My husband has obbsessions washing his hair and envelopes all in boxes all around the house over 22 in the bedroom!!!!!!!! He wont listen and like you I was thinking a mid life crisis.What I did was sit down and wrote all the good points and all the bad points then make a decision.

Only you can make it no one else,if like me you have tried everything possible to do something and still nothing has changed you've done all you can.My husband was my solemate but at this junction in my life I don't feel anything for him he's a total stranger and making my life hell and my children are suffering.

If you need to chat then I'm only an email away.

Take care

Nance

Newbie

Hello everyone, my name is Elaine 46 from Milton Keynes UK. I have been married to Gilroy 44 for 15 years although we have been together for 21, we have a son Adam 13 who has Aspergers diagnosis, ignorant i know but i had never heard of Aspergers till 5 years ago, i researched it as much as i could and soon discovered that my husband has Aspergers also. Our sons psychologist agreed to observe Gil during our meetings with her and after a few weeks agreed that he displayed many of the Asperger traits, her advice was to either see our GP to set the dianosis ball rolling, or for my husband to self refer to Northampton Hospital. Our GP was as much use as a chocolate tea pot and could not understand what benefit my husband could get from a 'label', because of his negative attitude my husband refuses to 'tell' anyone else. Together we have studied Aspergers and although in denial at first he soon came to realise that he really was not a failure and there was a reason he was the way he was, this was a huge weight off his shoulders as he had always thought (cause he was told) he had psychotic problems. He is one in a million and my soul mate, my son is my life, my reason for breathing. My husband and i have hit a wall, we are at breaking point and i need help to understand where i am going wrong, i don't know what to do to save our marriage as communication just does not happen, help me understand why? what shall i do? he seems to want help also, and showed interest at me joining this group however he refuses to go to Relate with me and refuses to speak to anyone, he is quite happy for me to do everything and feed back to him as he is comfortable with the way i re-phrase till he understands. If we didn't think my hubby had Aspergers i would just say he's having a mid life crisis, these past 3 years he has changed so much i hardly recognise him, he shuts me out when he never used too, and is depressed that everyone around him has had there 'clubbing' days except for him. He seems to resent me for everything he has ever missed out on even though we didn't meet till he was 23. I could go on and on but 1, i will soon run out of space 2, i have to get Adam off to school. Listen you guy's any advice you give to help me understand his 'shut down' will be used, and ladie's if you have gone through similar how did you handle it? Thanks in advance everyone. Elaine

[Guest guest]

I think you're right about the grieving process. For me it was scaling back from horrible other things people accused me of, but I hadn't thought about for people who didn't have THAT experience it would be kinda hard to hear.

Ironically, especially for an AS person actually.. Tell one of us we're wrong?? Dem's fightin words!

uSARIAN

</verbose>

From: Jennie Unknown

Sent: Wednesday, September 10, 2008 12:26 PM

To: aspires-relationships

Subject: Re: Newbie

Elaine,

I am a woman with AS. Welcome.

>>Hello everyone, my name is Elaine 46 from Milton Keynes UK. I have been married to Gilroy 44 for 15 years although we have been together for 21, [edit] Relate with me and refuses to speak to anyone, he is quite happy for me to do everything and feed back to him as he is comfortable with the way i re-phrase till he understands.<<

As to this, it's probably just a bad habit. If you continue to do this for him he will stay happy with it. I'm not completely sure what you are referring to but.... If you mean that you have to rephrase your words until he understands does that mean that he says to you "I don't understand" or do you just 'know' that he doesn't understand and proceed with a new explanation? Could you explain a little more of what exactly is going on in this scenario?

>>If we didn't think my hubby had Aspergers i would just say he's having a mid life crisis, these past 3 years he has changed so much i hardly recognise him, he shuts me out when he never used too, and is depressed that everyone around him has had there 'clubbing' days except for him. He seems to resent me for everything he has ever missed out on even though we didn't meet till he was 23. I could go on and on but 1, i will soon run out of space 2, i have to get Adam off to school. Listen you guy's any advice you give to help me understand his 'shut down' will be used, and ladie's if you have gone through similar how did you handle it? Thanks in advance everyone. Elaine<<

What you are describing sounds like your husband is going through a grieving process. I went through this when I first learned about having AS. I realized that I would never be able to be 'normal' that I would never be able to fit in. My whole life I had tried to fit in, tried to make things work then I was run up against the rock wall of 'you are AS, you are broken, you will never be normal, you are hopeless, worthless, etc' are some of the thoughts that ran through my head back then. It was a process to work through those and yes there was a time when I was angry about it. I had spent 25 yrs of my life thinking I was normal, thinking I just needed to work harder to fit in, only to realize that I will never fit in. It simply isn't going to happen. Part of grieving is to be angry. If you look up the effects of grieving you will find that people who are grieving, whether it be the death of a loved one or something like this, often react in anger and/or withdrawal at those closest to them. Men in particular tend to withdraw more than women. You are after all the safest person in his life. Ironic but reality is most people lash out at those closest to them.

I don't know if this applies to your husband, it's just what came to mind based off your description. It's what happened to me. As to how to handle it.. if you think this fits and is what is going on then I would say handle it with the same concern and consideration you would have for anyone in a grieving process. He may have on one level accepted his AS, accepted he isn't a failure for having it but that doesn't mean its not still tearing him apart. Just as when one grieves over losing a loved one, you go up and down over time being 'ok' and not being ok. In my experience learning I had AS was initially the same to me as losing my sister, losing my grandmother and losing my baby. It was a gradual process of learning to accept myself, learning to accept that some doors will never be open to me, learning to accept that I will never be a part of the things that I always thought I would be. Hope this helps,

Jennie AS

[Guest guest]

Hi Usarian

I have only been communicating with people in this group for 1 day but the information i have been given and the things i have learnt are just what i have been needing for so long. It is so nice and refreshing to have people understand me and pick up on the help i need in order for me to help and understand my husband. I have had my back up against the wall for so long as all the help i have had from family and friends is "leave him you can do better" i can't seem to get people to understand that i don't want to leave him and i don't want anyone else. I spent a few hours on here yesterday reading every ones posts, then i went in the living room where my husband Gilroy had fallen asleep watching football(soccer) i just sat there watching him, i have not done that in years, the tears of regret and guilt just came flooding out. I understand and care for my son the best i can and his happiness is proof i'm not doing too bad so why have i not done this

with my husband? i just wanted to grab him and hug him for dear life but i know he's uncomfortable with physical contact and i didn't want to overwhelm him with all the information i have received, i will take my time and hopefully things will begin to change for the better around here, if i'm happier and more understanding he will be more happier and may even learn to be more open with me. I would still like to know how come he has changed so much to the point of regressing these past 3+years though. Also can someone tell me what the abbreviation NT is that a lot of you on here uses?

Kindest Regards

Elaine

[aspires-relationsh ips] Newbie

Hello everyone, my name is Elaine 46 from Milton Keynes UK. I have been married to Gilroy 44 for 15 years although we have been together for 21, we have a son Adam 13 who has Aspergers diagnosis, ignorant i know but i had never heard of Aspergers till 5 years ago, i researched it as much as i could and soon discovered that my husband has Aspergers also. Our sons psychologist agreed to observe Gil during our meetings with her and after a few weeks agreed that he displayed many of the Asperger traits, her advice was to either see our GP to set the dianosis ball rolling, or for my husband to self refer to Northampton Hospital. Our GP was as much use as a chocolate tea pot and could not understand what benefit my husband could get from a 'label', because of his negative attitude my husband refuses to 'tell' anyone else. Together we have studied Aspergers and although in denial at first he soon came to

realise that he really was not a failure and there was a reason he was the way he was, this was a huge weight off his shoulders as he had always thought (cause he was told) he had psychotic problems. He is one in a million and my soul mate, my son is my life, my reason for breathing.. My husband and i have hit a wall, we are at breaking point and i need help to understand where i am going wrong, i don't know what to do to save our marriage as communication just does not happen, help me understand why? what shall i do? he seems to want help also, and showed interest at me joining this group however he refuses to go to Relate with me and refuses to speak to anyone, he is quite happy for me to do everything and feed back to him as he is comfortable with the way i re-phrase till he understands. If we didn't think my hubby had Aspergers i would just say he's having a mid life crisis, these past 3 years

he has changed so much i hardly recognise him, he shuts me out when he never used too, and is depressed that everyone around him has had there 'clubbing' days except for him. He seems to resent me for everything he has ever missed out on even though we didn't meet till he was 23. I could go on and on but 1, i will soon run out of space 2, i have to get Adam off to school. Listen you guy's any advice you give to help me understand his 'shut down' will be used, and ladie's if you have gone through similar how did you handle it? Thanks in advance everyone. Elaine

[Guest guest]

Hello

Thanks for your reply, when i first read it i thought to myself that in 2 years time i can see us exactly where we are now with nothing changing and no progress made. However i have received many more replies and have been given an insight into what my hubby may be feeling and how this may affect his behaviour towards me, these invaluable replies have been from people who themselves have Aspergers. The things they have said are things my hubby probably wants to say and what i want to hear him to say, my mind is spinning at the moment cause just Sunday evening i wanted nothing less than a divorce. Today after learning all that i have learnt from people in just 1 DAY i have had a complete turn around. We could never have got this kind of help and advice from a marriage counsellor or our priest. My son is at school and my hubby has the day off today so i would like him to see the posts i have put on here and the replies i have got, i think he will

be shocked that there are so many people just like him, people who feel or have felt the way he does, he thinks he is unique, a freak even, someone who does not belong anywhere who does not deserve to belong anywhere. I hope at the end of it he will feel 'normal' and not one of life's rejects, and that his opinion is as important has anyone else's and he actually does have a valuable role in this marriage, family, society!

Take care

Elaine

[aspires-relationsh ips] Newbie

Hello everyone, my name is Elaine 46 from Milton Keynes UK. I have been married to Gilroy 44 for 15 years although we have been together for 21, we have a son Adam 13 who has Aspergers diagnosis, ignorant i know but i had never heard of Aspergers till 5 years ago, i researched it as much as i could and soon discovered that my husband has Aspergers also. Our sons psychologist agreed to observe Gil during our meetings with her and after a few weeks agreed that he displayed many of the Asperger traits, her advice was to either see our GP to set the dianosis ball rolling, or for my husband to self refer to Northampton Hospital. Our GP was as much use as a chocolate tea pot and could not understand what benefit my husband could get from a 'label', because of his negative attitude my husband refuses to 'tell' anyone else. Together we have studied Aspergers and although in denial at first he soon came to

realise that he really was not a failure and there was a reason he was the way he was, this was a huge weight off his shoulders as he had always thought (cause he was told) he had psychotic problems. He is one in a million and my soul mate, my son is my life, my reason for breathing.. My husband and i have hit a wall, we are at breaking point and i need help to understand where i am going wrong, i don't know what to do to save our marriage as communication just does not happen, help me understand why? what shall i do? he seems to want help also, and showed interest at me joining this group however he refuses to go to Relate with me and refuses to speak to anyone, he is quite happy for me to do everything and feed back to him as he is comfortable with the way i re-phrase till he understands. If we didn't think my hubby had Aspergers i would just say he's having a mid life crisis, these past 3 years

he has changed so much i hardly recognise him, he shuts me out when he never used too, and is depressed that everyone around him has had there 'clubbing' days except for him. He seems to resent me for everything he has ever missed out on even though we didn't meet till he was 23. I could go on and on but 1, i will soon run out of space 2, i have to get Adam off to school. Listen you guy's any advice you give to help me understand his 'shut down' will be used, and ladie's if you have gone through similar how did you handle it? Thanks in advance everyone. Elaine

[Guest guest]

Its wonderful to hear your views, Elaine, and more power to you. NT is neurotypical.

I found that Ian regressed after his diagnosis, almost wishing to relive the past and become a teenager again, if you like, redressing past mistakes.

He got better as the grief subsided and he is now very chipper, although very aspie in the way he looks at things negatively before he sees (if ever) the positive side. But like you, I wanted to hug him and saw him in a different light once I knew about Aspergers. I realised how hard it must have been, and how he struggles every day.

Hoping that it all gets better from now on

Judy B, Scotland

Subject: Re: NewbieTo: aspires-relationships Date: Thursday, 11 September, 2008, 7:43 AM

Hi Usarian

I have only been communicating with people in this group for 1 day but the information i have been given and the things i have learnt are just what i have been needing for so long. It is so nice and refreshing to have people understand me and pick up on the help i need in order for me to help and understand my husband. I have had my back up against the wall for so long as all the help i have had from family and friends is "leave him you can do better" i can't seem to get people to understand that i don't want to leave him and i don't want anyone else. I spent a few hours on here yesterday reading every ones posts, then i went in the living room where my husband Gilroy had fallen asleep watching football(soccer) i just sat there watching him, i have not done that in years, the tears of regret and guilt just came flooding out. I understand and care for my son the best i can and his happiness is proof i'm not doing too bad so why have i not done this

with my husband? i just wanted to grab him and hug him for dear life but i know he's uncomfortable with physical contact and i didn't want to overwhelm him with all the information i have received, i will take my time and hopefully things will begin to change for the better around here, if i'm happier and more understanding he will be more happier and may even learn to be more open with me. I would still like to know how come he has changed so much to the point of regressing these past 3+years though. Also can someone tell me what the abbreviation NT is that a lot of you on here uses?

Kindest Regards

Elaine

[aspires-relationsh ips] Newbie

Hello everyone, my name is Elaine 46 from Milton Keynes UK. I have been married to Gilroy 44 for 15 years although we have been together for 21, we have a son Adam 13 who has Aspergers diagnosis, ignorant i know but i had never heard of Aspergers till 5 years ago, i researched it as much as i could and soon discovered that my husband has Aspergers also. Our sons psychologist agreed to observe Gil during our meetings with her and after a few weeks agreed that he displayed many of the Asperger traits, her advice was to either see our GP to set the dianosis ball rolling, or for my husband to self refer to Northampton Hospital. Our GP was as much use as a chocolate tea pot and could not understand what benefit my husband could get from a 'label', because of his negative attitude my husband refuses to 'tell' anyone else. Together we have studied Aspergers and although in denial at first he soon came to

realise that he really was not a failure and there was a reason he was the way he was, this was a huge weight off his shoulders as he had always thought (cause he was told) he had psychotic problems. He is one in a million and my soul mate, my son is my life, my reason for breathing.. My husband and i have hit a wall, we are at breaking point and i need help to understand where i am going wrong, i don't know what to do to save our marriage as communication just does not happen, help me understand why? what shall i do? he seems to want help also, and showed interest at me joining this group however he refuses to go to Relate with me and refuses to speak to anyone, he is quite happy for me to do everything and feed back to him as he is comfortable with the way i re-phrase till he understands. If we didn't think my hubby had Aspergers i would just say he's having a mid life crisis, these past 3 years

he has changed so much i hardly recognise him, he shuts me out when he never used too, and is depressed that everyone around him has had there 'clubbing' days except for him. He seems to resent me for everything he has ever missed out on even though we didn't meet till he was 23. I could go on and on but 1, i will soon run out of space 2, i have to get Adam off to school. Listen you guy's any advice you give to help me understand his 'shut down' will be used, and ladie's if you have gone through similar how did you handle it? Thanks in advance everyone. Elaine

[Guest guest]

Hi Elaine,

I'm glad everyone's post have been a help to you. I know I have only been a member for a couple of weeks and have found this board very helpful and comforting (odd word to use I know but it is comforting to know other people out there do understand). I spent the morning reading all the post from yesterday, including Usarian's. It's funny, but even now, when I read things that he post or occasionally something he says, I realize just how much I still don't understand what goes on inside of him. I think this site has been better than any of the marriage counseling we've ever received (and there was a lot). Anyway, I wanted to tell you that your positive attitude has been uplifting.

Thanks,

e

From: JUDY BARROW

Sent: Thursday, September 11, 2008 7:39 AM

To: aspires-relationships

Subject: Re: Newbie

Its wonderful to hear your views, Elaine, and more power to you. NT is neurotypical.

I found that Ian regressed after his diagnosis, almost wishing to relive the past and become a teenager again, if you like, redressing past mistakes.

He got better as the grief subsided and he is now very chipper, although very aspie in the way he looks at things negatively before he sees (if ever) the positive side. But like you, I wanted to hug him and saw him in a different light once I knew about Aspergers. I realised how hard it must have been, and how he struggles every day.

Hoping that it all gets better from now on

Judy B, Scotland

From: Elaine <alexhoey1961yahoo (DOT) co.uk>Subject: Re: NewbieTo: aspires-relationships Date: Thursday, 11 September, 2008, 7:43 AM

Hi Usarian

I have only been communicating with people in this group for 1 day but the information i have been given and the things i have learnt are just what i have been needing for so long. It is so nice and refreshing to have people understand me and pick up on the help i need in order for me to help and understand my husband. I have had my back up against the wall for so long as all the help i have had from family and friends is "leave him you can do better" i can't seem to get people to understand that i don't want to leave him and i don't want anyone else. I spent a few hours on here yesterday reading every ones posts, then i went in the living room where my husband Gilroy had fallen asleep watching football(soccer) i just sat there watching him, i have not done that in years, the tears of regret and guilt just came flooding out. I understand and care for my son the best i can and his happiness is proof i'm not doing too bad so why have i not done this with my husband? i just wanted to grab him and hug him for dear life but i know he's uncomfortable with physical contact and i didn't want to overwhelm him with all the information i have received, i will take my time and hopefully things will begin to change for the better around here, if i'm happier and more understanding he will be more happier and may even learn to be more open with me. I would still like to know how come he has changed so much to the point of regressing these past 3+years though. Also can someone tell me what the abbreviation NT is that a lot of you on here uses?

Kindest Regards

Elaine

[aspires-relationsh ips] Newbie

Hello everyone, my name is Elaine 46 from Milton Keynes UK. I have been married to Gilroy 44 for 15 years although we have been together for 21, we have a son Adam 13 who has Aspergers diagnosis, ignorant i know but i had never heard of Aspergers till 5 years ago, i researched it as much as i could and soon discovered that my husband has Aspergers also. Our sons psychologist agreed to observe Gil during our meetings with her and after a few weeks agreed that he displayed many of the Asperger traits, her advice was to either see our GP to set the dianosis ball rolling, or for my husband to self refer to Northampton Hospital. Our GP was as much use as a chocolate tea pot and could not understand what benefit my husband could get from a 'label', because of his negative attitude my husband refuses to 'tell' anyone else. Together we have studied Aspergers and although in denial at first he soon came to realise that he really was not a failure and there was a reason he was the way he was, this was a huge weight off his shoulders as he had always thought (cause he was told) he had psychotic problems. He is one in a million and my soul mate, my son is my life, my reason for breathing.. My husband and i have hit a wall, we are at breaking point and i need help to understand where i am going wrong, i don't know what to do to save our marriage as communication just does not happen, help me understand why? what shall i do? he seems to want help also, and showed interest at me joining this group however he refuses to go to Relate with me and refuses to speak to anyone, he is quite happy for me to do everything and feed back to him as he is comfortable with the way i re-phrase till he understands. If we didn't think my hubby had Aspergers i would just say he's having a mid life crisis, these past 3 years he has changed so much i hardly recognise him, he shuts me out when he never used too, and is depressed that everyone around him has had there 'clubbing' days except for him. He seems to resent me for everything he has ever missed out on even though we didn't meet till he was 23. I could go on and on but 1, i will soon run out of space 2, i have to get Adam off to school. Listen you guy's any advice you give to help me understand his 'shut down' will be used, and ladie's if you have gone through similar how did you handle it? Thanks in advance everyone. Elaine

[Guest guest]

Side note.. what is it with the boxes the replies are in now? It's impossible to copy/paste to quote people!

Anyway, "regression" is kind of vague really, but it is possible. We have seen regression with my autistic son in his development. If I have ever regressed, I wouldn't notice since I'm inside me. I know people have on occasion commented that I am "retreating back into my shell".. shunning social situations from time to time. I just can't be near people sometimes.

It could very well be something external.. stresses at home or on the job.. a higher ambient noise level (like a teen keeping the music or TV on all the time would drive an AS person crazy)... or something physical like a toothache or whatever..

Or it could be he has some internal struggles that we could guess at .. but I wouldn't recommend doing that...

Maybe he is even feeling a need for more closeness to you, or even people in general. One thing I think that people miss about AS is that we still CRAVE people and closeness, intimacy, physical and emotional. We just can't stand what we have to go through (talking or the actual texture of touching) to get it.

I will throw one thing out there as just an idea..

maybe try initiating some closeness like you want to, but in a way he has responded to in the past.. possibly something thyat hasn't been a part of your relationship in a long time, or even was only a one-time event that just faded away into the past.

Please don't think I'm only referring to something physical.. anything.. maybe he likes fishing and enjoyed having you with him once a long time ago, or the texture of hair may be more appealing to him than the suffocating closeness of another whole human. Maybe he (like me) is simply balding! and needs a little verbal reassurance that you still like the way he looks. Who knows. Everybody goes through ups and downs, and he obviously reasoned that choosing you to spend his life with was logical for some concrete reason. And he chooses daily to stay with you for some well-thought-out reason, so you can't be doing a whole lot wrong with him.

Take care,

Usarian

From: Elaine

Sent: Thursday, September 11, 2008 1:43 AM

To: aspires-relationships

Subject: Re: Newbie

Hi Usarian

I have only been communicating with people in this group for 1 day but the information i have been given and the things i have learnt are just what i have been needing for so long. It is so nice and refreshing to have people understand me and pick up on the help i need in order for me to help and understand my husband. I have had my back up against the wall for so long as all the help i have had from family and friends is "leave him you can do better" i can't seem to get people to understand that i don't want to leave him and i don't want anyone else. I spent a few hours on here yesterday reading every ones posts, then i went in the living room where my husband Gilroy had fallen asleep watching football(soccer) i just sat there watching him, i have not done that in years, the tears of regret and guilt just came flooding out. I understand and care for my son the best i can and his happiness is proof i'm not doing too bad so why have i not done this with my husband? i just wanted to grab him and hug him for dear life but i know he's uncomfortable with physical contact and i didn't want to overwhelm him with all the information i have received, i will take my time and hopefully things will begin to change for the better around here, if i'm happier and more understanding he will be more happier and may even learn to be more open with me. I would still like to know how come he has changed so much to the point of regressing these past 3+years though. Also can someone tell me what the abbreviation NT is that a lot of you on here uses?

Kindest Regards

Elaine

[aspires-relationsh ips] Newbie

Hello everyone, my name is Elaine 46 from Milton Keynes UK. I have been married to Gilroy 44 for 15 years although we have been together for 21, we have a son Adam 13 who has Aspergers diagnosis, ignorant i know but i had never heard of Aspergers till 5 years ago, i researched it as much as i could and soon discovered that my husband has Aspergers also. Our sons psychologist agreed to observe Gil during our meetings with her and after a few weeks agreed that he displayed many of the Asperger traits, her advice was to either see our GP to set the dianosis ball rolling, or for my husband to self refer to Northampton Hospital. Our GP was as much use as a chocolate tea pot and could not understand what benefit my husband could get from a 'label', because of his negative attitude my husband refuses to 'tell' anyone else. Together we have studied Aspergers and although in denial at first he soon came to realise that he really was not a failure and there was a reason he was the way he was, this was a huge weight off his shoulders as he had always thought (cause he was told) he had psychotic problems. He is one in a million and my soul mate, my son is my life, my reason for breathing.. My husband and i have hit a wall, we are at breaking point and i need help to understand where i am going wrong, i don't know what to do to save our marriage as communication just does not happen, help me understand why? what shall i do? he seems to want help also, and showed interest at me joining this group however he refuses to go to Relate with me and refuses to speak to anyone, he is quite happy for me to do everything and feed back to him as he is comfortable with the way i re-phrase till he understands. If we didn't think my hubby had Aspergers i would just say he's having a mid life crisis, these past 3 years he has changed so much i hardly recognise him, he shuts me out when he never used too, and is depressed that everyone around him has had there 'clubbing' days except for him. He seems to resent me for everything he has ever missed out on even though we didn't meet till he was 23. I could go on and on but 1, i will soon run out of space 2, i have to get Adam off to school. Listen you guy's any advice you give to help me understand his 'shut down' will be used, and ladie's if you have gone through similar how did you handle it? Thanks in advance everyone. Elaine

[Guest guest]

Usarian, what you have said is very interesting and i sat down and had a really good think of the times Gilroy 'shut down, this past week he was particularly bad, i was very cross and hurt at his behaviour while we were on holiday, to cut a long story short he went out clubbing every night with our 18yr old god son, i was angry as this was our annual family holiday. My reaction, anger, and disappointment at him caused him to shut down, he could not see he had done anything bad but knew he had upset me, of course all he wanted to do was run away cause he couldn't cope with all the negative feelings from both of us, i get it now! these past couple of days since finding this group, i feel light hearted and want to make up for lost time, i'm happy! we spent the evening in the same room last

night, we hardly ever do that, we just talked about stuff in the news and on tv etc, while in bed it hit me, his mood depends on my mood! he is picking up on the negative from me and in his head he must think he is to blame for my down times, that's not always the case but he doesn't know that, all he knows is i'm in a mood and don't want to talk, period, i think his insecurities make him feel he is to blame, in future i will inform him as to why i'm in a mood, then he will know he is not to blame, do you think i could be right here? or am i barking up the wrong tree? Also i used to always spontaneously hug Gil, he feels awkward initiating hugs and for some reason thinks sex has to follow, he doesn't understand that hugs can be just that! i have pulled back on the hugs (not deliberately) as i always hugged and kissed him daily and have now stopped maybe he thinks i no longer love him? lack of physical affection from me and lack of 'i love you's'

could be the reason he withdraws! do you get the point i'm trying to make? i do tend to waffle I value your opinion and feedback thank you

Elaine

[aspires-relationsh ips] Newbie

Hello everyone, my name is Elaine 46 from Milton Keynes UK. I have been married to Gilroy 44 for 15 years although we have been together for 21, we have a son Adam 13 who has Aspergers diagnosis, ignorant i know but i had never heard of Aspergers till 5 years ago, i researched it as much as i could and soon discovered that my husband has Aspergers also. Our sons psychologist agreed to observe Gil during our meetings with her and after a few weeks agreed that he displayed many of the Asperger traits, her advice was to either see our GP to set the dianosis ball rolling, or for my husband to self refer to Northampton Hospital. Our GP was as much use as a chocolate tea pot and could not understand what benefit my husband could get from a 'label', because of his negative attitude my husband refuses to 'tell' anyone else. Together we have studied Aspergers and although in denial at first he soon came to

realise that he really was not a failure and there was a reason he was the way he was, this was a huge weight off his shoulders as he had always thought (cause he was told) he had psychotic problems. He is one in a million and my soul mate, my son is my life, my reason for breathing... My husband and i have hit a wall, we are at breaking point and i need help to understand where i am going wrong, i don't know what to do to save our marriage as communication just does not happen, help me understand why? what shall i do? he seems to want help also, and showed interest at me joining this group however he refuses to go to Relate with me and refuses to speak to anyone, he is quite happy for me to do everything and feed back to him as he is comfortable with the way i re-phrase till he understands. If we didn't think my hubby had Aspergers i would just say he's having a mid life crisis, these past 3 years

he has changed so much i hardly recognise him, he shuts me out when he never used too, and is depressed that everyone around him has had there 'clubbing' days except for him. He seems to resent me for everything he has ever missed out on even though we didn't meet till he was 23. I could go on and on but 1, i will soon run out of space 2, i have to get Adam off to school. Listen you guy's any advice you give to help me understand his 'shut down' will be used, and ladie's if you have gone through similar how did you handle it? Thanks in advance everyone. Elaine

[Guest guest]

--To everyone else, I still cannot copy/paste quoted text. it's like it's an image or something.

Elaine,

I want to .. I guess kind of warn you, I'll probably put my foot in my mouth big time at some point here. I have a knack for communicating an idea exactly the wrong way.. using an off target metaphore or something.. I've had a good run of message lately, but I think my luck is getting thin..

For me, the idea of a grown man going clubbing with a kid seems strange. I've known adults that went to lower key clubs and bars, and usually then as a couple, but the kids ones I've been to tend to have a different feel. That's only meant to be my opinion, with you in the UK and all, I have no idea what it's like at all over there, and I haven't been to a club in at least 10 years, so I don't know. To me that struck me as a "well that's a different story then.." type of thing.. leaning more toward an overall boredom or a desire to break out of the daily grind and experience some excitement. I get .. itchy.. like that quite frequently, but I don't associate that with AS, but just being a guy. I read once that men have a "basic need for recreation" (Willard F. Harley - His Needs Her Needs: How to affair proof your marriage http://www.amazon.com/His-Needs-Her-Building-Affair-Proof/dp/0800717880/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8 & s=books & qid=1221220238 & sr=8-7 )

e tells me now that I talk about missing going to clubs occasionally. NOW she's telling me she thinks AS men just withdraw with age, and says I have been lately! My whole train's been derailed now.. bleh

Oh yeah, I was going to say, I have a very very hard time with interpreting people. I go through every day utterly convinced that my wife is mad at me for some mysterious reason. I have slowly come to realize that A) that's almost textbook AS and it isn't true, no matter how strongly I feel it is.

Well;, honestly, I kind of always think everybody is mad at me or something. My boss, my wife.. etc etc... people that have opinions that "Matter". For me it's kind of like if I don't get explicitly concrete positive encouragement from somebody (and I feel it was presented in a way that I can believe and isnt just something to say), I default to negative implications. Now I have slowly come to understand that it simply isnt the case in reality. Every day I come home and relay the office politics of the day and get my wife's input as to how I should handle it. I have gone thru times where I had to make several quick calls home to negotiate feverish events.

Wow, I just saw the time I have to run..

From: Elaine

Sent: Friday, September 12, 2008 2:07 AM

To: aspires-relationships

Subject: Re: Newbie

Usarian, what you have said is very interesting and i sat down and had a really good think of the times Gilroy 'shut down, this past week he was particularly bad, i was very cross and hurt at his behaviour while we were on holiday, to cut a long story short he went out clubbing every night with our 18yr old god son, i was angry as this was our annual family holiday. My reaction, anger, and disappointment at him caused him to shut down, he could not see he had done anything bad but knew he had upset me, of course all he wanted to do was run away cause he couldn't cope with all the negative feelings from both of us, i get it now! these past couple of days since finding this group, i feel light hearted and want to make up for lost time, i'm happy! we spent the evening in the same room last night, we hardly ever do that, we just talked about stuff in the news and on tv etc, while in bed it hit me, his mood depends on my mood! he is picking up on the negative from me and in his head he must think he is to blame for my down times, that's not always the case but he doesn't know that, all he knows is i'm in a mood and don't want to talk, period, i think his insecurities make him feel he is to blame, in future i will inform him as to why i'm in a mood, then he will know he is not to blame, do you think i could be right here? or am i barking up the wrong tree? Also i used to always spontaneously hug Gil, he feels awkward initiating hugs and for some reason thinks sex has to follow, he doesn't understand that hugs can be just that! i have pulled back on the hugs (not deliberately) as i always hugged and kissed him daily and have now stopped maybe he thinks i no longer love him? lack of physical affection from me and lack of 'i love you's' could be the reason he withdraws! do you get the point i'm trying to make? i do tend to waffle I value your opinion and feedback thank you

Elaine

[aspires-relationsh ips] Newbie

Hello everyone, my name is Elaine 46 from Milton Keynes UK. I have been married to Gilroy 44 for 15 years although we have been together for 21, we have a son Adam 13 who has Aspergers diagnosis, ignorant i know but i had never heard of Aspergers till 5 years ago, i researched it as much as i could and soon discovered that my husband has Aspergers also. Our sons psychologist agreed to observe Gil during our meetings with her and after a few weeks agreed that he displayed many of the Asperger traits, her advice was to either see our GP to set the dianosis ball rolling, or for my husband to self refer to Northampton Hospital. Our GP was as much use as a chocolate tea pot and could not understand what benefit my husband could get from a 'label', because of his negative attitude my husband refuses to 'tell' anyone else. Together we have studied Aspergers and although in denial at first he soon came to realise that he really was not a failure and there was a reason he was the way he was, this was a huge weight off his shoulders as he had always thought (cause he was told) he had psychotic problems. He is one in a million and my soul mate, my son is my life, my reason for breathing... My husband and i have hit a wall, we are at breaking point and i need help to understand where i am going wrong, i don't know what to do to save our marriage as communication just does not happen, help me understand why? what shall i do? he seems to want help also, and showed interest at me joining this group however he refuses to go to Relate with me and refuses to speak to anyone, he is quite happy for me to do everything and feed back to him as he is comfortable with the way i re-phrase till he understands. If we didn't think my hubby had Aspergers i would just say he's having a mid life crisis, these past 3 years he has changed so much i hardly recognise him, he shuts me out when he never used too, and is depressed that everyone around him has had there 'clubbing' days except for him. He seems to resent me for everything he has ever missed out on even though we didn't meet till he was 23. I could go on and on but 1, i will soon run out of space 2, i have to get Adam off to school. Listen you guy's any advice you give to help me understand his 'shut down' will be used, and ladie's if you have gone through similar how did you handle it? Thanks in advance everyone. Elaine