RE: Fighting Fair.

[Guest guest]

Hello all,

It was not my discussion, but ’s question triggered

off a lot of thought in my mind.

Back in the 1970s there was a book called The Intimate Enemy by

Bach and Wyden. It was devoted exclusively to the business of

fighting fair in one’s relationship. In those days, - with

the first of my three marriages long finished, I was just fascinated with the

processes of relating. But to be honest, I always had this

unrealistic fantasy that relating successfully was based on nothing more than

pre-arrangements, politeness and following a few rules. I knew nothing of

empathy or bonding or sexual chemistry or of spontaneity. And I

comprehended nothing of open disclosure and truthfulness between partners.

Many examples of ‘unfair fighting’ come to

mind. Attacking the partner when he or she is sick, down or

in a state of grief. Another is described as ‘dropping the

bomb on Luxemburg’. In other words attacking the other with

all your heavy weapons, abuse, threats etc when the offense or dispute is a

relatively minor one. Then there is the sad business of (at ANY time)

abusing, criticizing or taunting the other for some physical issue…. His

lack of muscles, her unshapely figure, his ethnic background, etc

etc. then there is the common tendency to bring up old

issues that are completely irrelevant in the present discussion… like

that time ten years ago when you did such and

such. Deliberately going out to threaten and or

frighten the other party. Manipulating in an emotional fashion, by

perhaps putting on unreal tears or over-blown anger.

Lots of examples in this book. Don’t know if

it can be found these days, but although it clearly belongs to its time, it has

some very good advice, and is a fascinating read.

Cheers,, Ron

Subject: Re: Fighting Fair...Seeing both sides

Sandy,

Welcome back! Can you give an example of not fighting fairly?

Do any of you experience

a lack of fairness in communication? Do any of you bend over

backwards to try to understand his/her perspective, try to talk or write or

communicate in a totally fair manner and get a total lack of cooperation or

fairness back?

If so, please give me

some examples

Thanks

Sandy