Reactions to finding out about AS as NT and as AS....... Usarian and others....

[Guest guest]

Hello--

I was thinking about my reaction when I first suspected AS in me, and then when I finally got the strength to seek a dx.......

I was a volunteer in an autistic conference....... It was there that I heard a conversation between two mothers. They were describing their son's behaviors. I thought they were describing me as a child....... I got very thoughtful and went home and started to research autism. Every time I did, the word Asperger's came up and I decided to read about it.......

I just could not see what was so wrong with some of the stuff AS people did, I did so many myself, so what was wrong with it?

I used to think that others were different, not me....... At times, I still think this way ;-)

I called my brother and asked him to describe me.

He did....... Then I called a friend as asked few questions, and I decided to slowly read more. I had to withdraw after three weeks and give time to my mind to digest the information....... And of course to accept the information as something I had to look into seriously.

Several month went by, and one August I decided to get a professional opinion!....... Later on I seek a second opinion, and then I needed no more opinions....... I was told that I had mild AS almost borderline if such thing exists....... Yet AS nonetheless....... I cried hard, I hurt for all the things that happened to me....... I felt confused. I felt sick to my stomach and as if I was in a dream; things did not feel real. First I was hurt, the I was angry!

I was also angry and stormed one day and never again after that....... I loose my usual calm ways that day.......

I was angry at all the things that were so unfair that happened to me due to AS. All the hurt and pain I had inside and that I also cause to others. I felt lonelier and wondered if there was someone out there like me I could reach to....... I was totally drained!

Once I calmed down, I started to see the good things that happened to me due to AS.

I read a book about AS and Self-Esteem through famous role models; I loved the book.

It gave me a different perspective from most of what I had read which was gloomy and hopeless.......

At times I thought that I did not fit all the medical criteria for AS....... It was a battle inside my mind. I was left drained and exhausted every day I thought and analyze this things.

When I had touched rock bottom emotionally, I withdraw for a couple of days into my own self. I needed the quiet time to calm things down in my mind and my body. I was very sensitive to light, to noise, to smells, and to how the touch of certain material clothe felt! (even the touch of the sheets bothered me). I had to get a velvety sheet to wrap myself around it. I needed softness and warmth.

Once the storm passed, I decided to deal with the present and let the past alone. What happened was done and I could only control my present. I took charge the best I could and decided with the knew found knowledge to make improvements in the areas I needed to improve.

It was hard to deal with all the feelings of hurt and guilt for the things I did due to AS. I caused hardship to my dad, and concern. Even when all was unintentional, it was there.

I always loved my dad, but after finding out of AS, I loved him even more, if it was not for him and his tough love-- even from a distance-- I would have succumb!

I was wondering how some of you reacted to knowing of your As, how did you feel about it?

How did you reacted to a self-diagnosis or a professional diagnosis when you found out.

Where you in denial? Did you figured soon you might have it?

In any case, how has having a dx that is professional helped you?

How has self-diagnosis AS helps you?

I did not have a program to help me, ABA or any other type. I had God and my prayers and of course I also had dad....... But that was it!

If I had the proper help, I am sure I would have been able to achieve more sooner, a whole lot more indeed....... Too bad mother did not help....... Well actually she did in an indirect way. I knew that I should not be like her in life, that was something dad worried a lot as well. He wanted his girls to know how to be strong and assertive....... I am not sure how well I have stood to that....... but I have survived and live, so I supposed that somehow I have done fair.

NT's spouses: How do you think your spouse reacted to a diagnosis if they had gotten one (self diagnosed by you, them or professionally)

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