Guest guest Posted October 30, 2008 Report Share Posted October 30, 2008 I feel great and I also feel I can see both worlds. It should be said all worlds through all spectrums. Amazing grace how sweet the sound once was blind but now I see. Curtis To: aspires-relationships Sent: Tuesday, October 28, 2008 5:33:01 AMSubject: Marriage We decided to seperate. not because of NT/AS, but because I was misdianiosed as AS when it really was I am just an ASS.Curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 20, 2009 Report Share Posted March 20, 2009 Yes, I definitely feel inadequate trying to navigate, as you say, the emotions of marriage. I know there are times that I could improve my marriage, in the longrun, by being more comfortable with confrontation. The Catch-22 for me is that in those limited instances where I have " stayed in the moment " and engaged in the confrontation, that has not been any more successful really than my avoidance strategy. If I avoid, my wife dislikes my avoidance; if I argue with her in a similar tone to the way she argues with me, she gets upset that I am disagreeing with her. For me, it's a combination, I need to do things better, but my perception is that she needs to be more tolerant of me as well. > > , > > In my case I found out why I felt so inadequate trying to navigate the > emotional minefield that marriage represents. I was diagnosed AS. The > inadequacies led me to use coping mechanisms like avoidance in particular > to stay on level ground. What transpired unfortunately, was to make > things worse and to punish those who I love by avoiding them or situations > where there was confrontation but also the potential to resolve issues. > > I have to take responsibility for doing that and try to make up for many > years of pain and misery that has caused others. > > My note was to illustrate that my family background (with the AS spectrum > behaviours) did not prepare me for the emotional vicissitudes that > marriage can bring. To think that I blamed my wife when it was really me > that could not see the reality of the situation was profoundly > discomforting. One of the things I need to be aware of is that in some > respects to get things back on track, that I do not create a script that > my family feels they need to follow for that to happen. If that happens I > have not learnt a thing. > > Greg DX AS at 53 > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 23, 2009 Report Share Posted March 23, 2009 , Your experience and mine are so similar. Does your wife pathologize your AS and does she understand it? My wife believes I am being stubborn when I feel I have a point of view that is valid and she still gets upset. If I challenge her then she feels her grasp on reality is stronger than mine so my opinion must be flawed in some way. I know that using logic is very often unsuccessful. I have had some success with controlling the avoidance behaviours of late but things are still difficult. However being in the home and being involved are two very different things. I know that 32 years of pain and suffering are not readily and easily dealt with and I need to keep reminding myself of how much my wife has sacrificed to keep things going for the kids who are now all adults. She wants to know if things will get better but she needs to be convinced that it is possible. Then again maybe she does not want to try anymore, she may have no energy left. Trust, once broken is so hard to repair. Greg dx AS at 53 " smithmisc " Sent by: aspires-relationships 21/03/2009 03:44 AM Please respond to aspires-relationships To aspires-relationships cc Subject Re: marriage Yes, I definitely feel inadequate trying to navigate, as you say, the emotions of marriage. I know there are times that I could improve my marriage, in the longrun, by being more comfortable with confrontation. The Catch-22 for me is that in those limited instances where I have " stayed in the moment " and engaged in the confrontation, that has not been any more successful really than my avoidance strategy. If I avoid, my wife dislikes my avoidance; if I argue with her in a similar tone to the way she argues with me, she gets upset that I am disagreeing with her. For me, it's a combination, I need to do things better, but my perception is that she needs to be more tolerant of me as well. > > , > > In my case I found out why I felt so inadequate trying to navigate the > emotional minefield that marriage represents. I was diagnosed AS. The > inadequacies led me to use coping mechanisms like avoidance in particular > to stay on level ground. What transpired unfortunately, was to make > things worse and to punish those who I love by avoiding them or situations > where there was confrontation but also the potential to resolve issues. > > I have to take responsibility for doing that and try to make up for many > years of pain and misery that has caused others. > > My note was to illustrate that my family background (with the AS spectrum > behaviours) did not prepare me for the emotional vicissitudes that > marriage can bring. To think that I blamed my wife when it was really me > that could not see the reality of the situation was profoundly > discomforting. One of the things I need to be aware of is that in some > respects to get things back on track, that I do not create a script that > my family feels they need to follow for that to happen. If that happens I > have not learnt a thing. > > Greg DX AS at 53 > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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