Re: Re: Why does he do it?

[Guest guest]

Elaine,

I am terribly sorry to hear this, terribly sorry indeed.

It is upsetting and very cruel to put the kid and you through this. The reason why it is cruel is because it hurts Adam's ears and get him overloaded....... as result he will be far more sensitive to noise, tactile stimulus, vision over stimuli and any other way his sensory system can get overloaded. The worse part of it all is the emotional damage that this is incurring on Adam, and how he will feel that home is not where really wants to be.

I do not know what your husband issues are, perhaps he feels that he has to accommodate for Adam too much. Perhaps he thinks that by putting him through all of this he will get accustomed to it. I really do not know, but something really needs to be done about it.

If I were you, I would go with the two of them to the psychologist and talk calmly about how you see things and how it is affecting the peace of the household.

Also try to think of something your husband hates, even it is food and ask him how will he like it to eat "that specific" food every night at the same time when you serve dinner.

I would also try to make my point by making a dish he hates and even when he is not going to eat it, put it in front of him and ask him how he feels about it.

Ask him if he feels appreciated and also respected? Ask him if he was going to eat it and if not why? Ask him how does it makes him feel emotionally and if he could get to resent you for doing it over and over again?

Talk this in front of the psychologist and do not let go of it until there is a compromising.

I felt many times like your son, mother did bad things; and I do not have much contact with her due to it. The lady had a resentment toward me since before I was born....... It is quite noticeable and even my brothers talk about it at times. I have never had an explanation about it at all. The only thing I heard people say at times was that I was the vivid image and personality of my father. There was an special bonding between him and I; and that is the only thing that I feel she and sister so terribly envied.

About four years ago, one of my brothers and I were looking at a computer, my brother tricked me into something and was laughing hard. I tackled him and was hugging him, we were wrestling on his bed and mother saw us. She then went to a different room, my brother said to me: Let's go to the supermarket, I said: Alright, is she coming?

Next thing I know she is rampaging toward me calling me names and with both her hands ready to hit me. I stud up and told her not to even dare to touch me, that I was not the little girl she used to hurt at all. Why such violent reaction? I could not understand it, unless it is that my brother is her favorite of all and she felt angry he and I are very close. I really do not know.

My brother was more upset than I was, and he had tears in his eyes. he knows how she treated me while growing up, and that is one thing that upsets him. After some talk, he said: There has always been something wrong there, I do not know why? and she envies you; but do not worry about it.

On a different talk I had with my other brother about that situation once I came back to the USA, he said, my dad always loved you, so it might be it.

Envy is not an element or a word I am able to feel. I do not know how it feels to envy. Yet it scared the heck out of me as it represents "I getting hurt". She was cruel to me, and she just cannot stand me, yet when she looks at me her comments are how much I look like dad and act like dad. It is just so darn weird and Illogical that I want absolutely NO part on it at all!

Still I am always asking if she is alright and am pleasant if I see her. I supposed that after so long, she has absolutely no affect on me at all.

I am so glad I am pass the stage of feeling guilty due to her inability to live life in a harmonious way.

She really messed up the peace in the house and always tried to put us against dad or my siblings against each other. She represents to me a clear example of what being UN-unified (divide and separated) means.

I am telling you my story, so that you can try to see if some of the possible things why she (mother) was mean to me give you some light of why your husband is doing this?

Perhaps he feels left out, in any case I feel for you and your son as well. Does he has earmuffs?

There are some really good, I cannot think of the name of any specific right now, but you might want to check on it and then try to get a pair for your son. Something that could block the noise out pretty well.

Take care and I am praying for you,

May God Bless You All,

.

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[Guest guest]

Hi veronica

My heart went out to you when I read about your mom and how she treated you ...is it possible she is mentally ill ????

I'm starting to look at families and see that where there is one with a neurological disorder or a mental illness there is always one or two more that seem to be troubled. Lowrywww.brendagroupdogwalking.comAnimal Behavior and Training Associates Certified Dog TrainerSpecializing in Behaviour SolutionsAnimal Behavior College MentorCertified Evaluator Canine Good NeighbourCanadian Kennel ClubInternational Positive Dog Training AssociationCanadian Association of Professional Pet Dog TrainersODAWG AmbassadorProfessional Dog Groomer All BreedsProfessional Dog All Breeds

To: aspires-relationships Sent: Thursday, December 18, 2008 8:52:24 PMSubject: Re: Re: Why does he do it?

Elaine,

I am terribly sorry to hear this, terribly sorry indeed.

It is upsetting and very cruel to put the kid and you through this. The reason why it is cruel is because it hurts Adam's ears and get him overloaded.. ..... as result he will be far more sensitive to noise, tactile stimulus, vision over stimuli and any other way his sensory system can get overloaded. The worse part of it all is the emotional damage that this is incurring on Adam, and how he will feel that home is not where really wants to be.

I do not know what your husband issues are, perhaps he feels that he has to accommodate for Adam too much. Perhaps he thinks that by putting him through all of this he will get accustomed to it. I really do not know, but something really needs to be done about it.

If I were you, I would go with the two of them to the psychologist and talk calmly about how you see things and how it is affecting the peace of the household.

Also try to think of something your husband hates, even it is food and ask him how will he like it to eat "that specific" food every night at the same time when you serve dinner.

I would also try to make my point by making a dish he hates and even when he is not going to eat it, put it in front of him and ask him how he feels about it.

Ask him if he feels appreciated and also respected? Ask him if he was going to eat it and if not why? Ask him how does it makes him feel emotionally and if he could get to resent you for doing it over and over again?

Talk this in front of the psychologist and do not let go of it until there is a compromising.

I felt many times like your son, mother did bad things; and I do not have much contact with her due to it. The lady had a resentment toward me since before I was born....... It is quite noticeable and even my brothers talk about it at times. I have never had an explanation about it at all. The only thing I heard people say at times was that I was the vivid image and personality of my father. There was an special bonding between him and I; and that is the only thing that I feel she and sister so terribly envied.

About four years ago, one of my brothers and I were looking at a computer, my brother tricked me into something and was laughing hard. I tackled him and was hugging him, we were wrestling on his bed and mother saw us. She then went to a different room, my brother said to me: Let's go to the supermarket, I said: Alright, is she coming?

Next thing I know she is rampaging toward me calling me names and with both her hands ready to hit me. I stud up and told her not to even dare to touch me, that I was not the little girl she used to hurt at all. Why such violent reaction? I could not understand it, unless it is that my brother is her favorite of all and she felt angry he and I are very close. I really do not know.

My brother was more upset than I was, and he had tears in his eyes. he knows how she treated me while growing up, and that is one thing that upsets him. After some talk, he said: There has always been something wrong there, I do not know why? and she envies you; but do not worry about it.

On a different talk I had with my other brother about that situation once I came back to the USA, he said, my dad always loved you, so it might be it.

Envy is not an element or a word I am able to feel. I do not know how it feels to envy. Yet it scared the heck out of me as it represents "I getting hurt". She was cruel to me, and she just cannot stand me, yet when she looks at me her comments are how much I look like dad and act like dad. It is just so darn weird and Illogical that I want absolutely NO part on it at all!

Still I am always asking if she is alright and am pleasant if I see her. I supposed that after so long, she has absolutely no affect on me at all.

I am so glad I am pass the stage of feeling guilty due to her inability to live life in a harmonious way.

She really messed up the peace in the house and always tried to put us against dad or my siblings against each other. She represents to me a clear example of what being UN-unified (divide and separated) means.

I am telling you my story, so that you can try to see if some of the possible things why she (mother) was mean to me give you some light of why your husband is doing this?

Perhaps he feels left out, in any case I feel for you and your son as well. Does he has earmuffs?

There are some really good, I cannot think of the name of any specific right now, but you might want to check on it and then try to get a pair for your son. Something that could block the noise out pretty well.

Take care and I am praying for you,

May God Bless You All,

.

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[Guest guest]

Hi ,

\No she is not mentally ill, she is mean to me. She was great to the other kids, and none of her behaviour was EVER the same to them.

She is ignorant in many ways, even when she is well educated, she was not Qualified to keep peace on her house at all.

Have you ever hear the saying: "God DOES NOT choose the Qualified, He Qualify Chosen"!

She was intellectually Qualified in many ways, but she was not a chosen one in my own views.

I learned form her, and perhaps being the way she is and was with me, is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Why? She was never my role model, never! She IS someone I do not want to be like at all. That alone guaranties that I can have much hope in life thatn what she has or will ever have. She destroyed her household with her own hands.

Thanks God, my father always tried to mold us to be good woman (sister and I), and he modeled me to be more like the woman he "thought" would be a good partner, and spouse to a guy. He made sure he taught us how not to make mistakes like the ones mother made, even when he never mentioned her name. He molded me to be completely different than her.

having seen her (mother) for so long being the way she is and was; AND knowing that she has feelings that I never feel in me at all, is reason sufficient enough to "thanks her for her chosen Dis-attachment to me. I must certainly do not want to be like her at all!

She is the best example of what I really do not want to become. On the other hand and to be FAIR, she has been great to my siblings. She looked after them in many ways, and has only been affectionate with one.

She is educated and also loves my nephews and nieces, and she worries about their well being.

In my views those things speak that she does have some sort of affection, and also of knowledge of her choices. It was just me the one that she could not stand; and she made sure sister did the same.

It is an envy type stuff, well; that is what I heard all my life. Just the fact that I am the vivid image of Dad makes them cringe.

I hope she has time to ask for forgiveness to God, and truly hope she does. It worries me thinking that she might not "realize she needs to do that" After all, I do not think she

consciously realizes that she has done something wrong.

I have thought of the time she has to face God, and wonder IF God would question her about me, and perhaps show her what he means....... I tell God that if that wold be the case, just to forgive her. I MUST certainly DO NOT want to have that on me at all.

After all, and at the end she has taught me a very good lesson, one I cherish.

"I do not want to be like her".

Have wonderful holidays filled with the things that make you smile!

. Who tries to behave the best she can, so that when she faces God, he smiles to her as sign of forgiving any of the things he might have not liked me doing on Earth.

PS-- I wish mother peace of mind and also peace on her heart, I truly feel sorry and sad for the way she lived life. In a way it was and has been hard for her. Dad was not the nicest to her, then again it was BOTH their fault in many ways. Still, they had their share of hurting as well, so her attitude toward me might have been her way of getting some of her frustration out. I have not feelings towards her, but I do feel sad for her. I would be the first one to run to help her IF she needed help. I just do it in an indirect way, so she does not have mix feelings.

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[Guest guest]

My heart went out to you when I read about your mom and how she treated you.

Thanks for that, I find it hard to sometimes think of the "mother" figure doing that to their own kids. One of the reason why I like so much mothers here in Aspires is because of the fact that they love their children NO MATTER WHAT, and try to help them greatly.

I was not such a bad kid to have deserved her treatment, and it showed up way before any signs of me being in the spectrum could have appear.

She was cruel and that is perhaps one the words that put tears on my eyes. I know how it feels when someone is cruel. I used not be able to hear it without bursting into tears. Now I do better.

, and thanks again for your kind words.

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[Guest guest]

(((((((((((((( Verleen ))))))))))))))))))))

What an incredible story of redemption !! How blessed your mom was to be forgiven and enfolded into your heart and the heart of her grandbabies.

I wrote in my intro that Adam my Aspie adult son was afraid I would be mean to him at Christmas because of his dumb prank....he has never known 'mean" .....but you have and have. Big hugs for you both and all the others on this list who have known "mean" :-((( Lowrywww.brendagroupdogwalking.comAnimal Behavior and Training Associates Certified Dog TrainerSpecializing in Behaviour SolutionsAnimal Behavior College MentorCertified Evaluator Canine Good NeighbourCanadian Kennel ClubInternational Positive Dog Training AssociationCanadian Association of Professional Pet Dog TrainersODAWG AmbassadorProfessional Dog Groomer All BreedsProfessional Dog All Breeds

To: aspires-relationships Sent: Friday, December 19, 2008 11:01:50 AMSubject: Re: Why does he do it?

, I was wondering the same. , my heart goes out to you too. I feel the most destructive thing is when a person allows the parent to continue to control your feelings. Let me tell you a little about my story.My mother was physically and mentally abusive. Picture broken bones, cuts and burns.....deliberat ely done, while she laughed. The mental torture of being locked in the attic where we were told big rats were there that eat children and then she used a broom to mimic the sound of rats coming. I was the oldest and my father's favorite (not a designation that is a good one when there were 7 of us). When I was a little girl, I slept under the bed because I was afraid that my mother would come in the middle of the night and stab me. I taught my little brother to do the same. When I was in my early thirties, I came to feel differently for my mother. I realized that she was

mentally ill during that time, and there was no services in those days to help her and no family and friends in the state we lived in. She was alone with small children without enough food to feed them, and even heat to warm them at times. My father came home only on Friday night and left Sunday night. He worked out of state. She was also in a loveless marriage. My father married her because it was the right thing to do because she was pregnant with me. He had already ended the relationship months earlier. My father was controlling. He controlled everything. My mother never had but a few dollars and coins in her pocket at any given time. I always knew my father loved us. He was a hard taskmaster, but a fair one. My mother hurt herself and was haunted by what she had done. One child was taken away by the courts as an abused child. I felt that my father could do no wrong. As I matured, I came to

realize that he was the biggest part of the problem. I loved him greatly too. I came to see them for who they really were ---- two people who weren't right for each other, who both loved us and who both had some terrible faults as well as some wonderful assets. My mother was very creative and a great artist.My mother got better with age when she had more creature comforts and worked outside the home to earn money for Christmas presents for us. Or we would have none. The best thing I did for myself was when I forgave my mother and came to love her. She died when she was 62 and I would give anything to have her back with me. She ended her last 20+ years of life being a loving and gentle mother and fantastic grandmother. If I had never forgiven her, I would never have been able to see this. Verleen>> Hi veronica> > My heart went out to you when I read about your mom and how she treated you ...is it possible she is mentally ill ????> > I'm starting to look at families and see that where there is one with a neurological disorder or a mental illness there is always one or two more that seem to be troubled.> Lowry

[Guest guest]

Verleen,

I am glad for you that you were able to forgive your mother, and enjoy her during those kinder, gentler 20 years! There must have been so much healing!

Subject: Re: Why does he do it?To: aspires-relationships Date: Friday, December 19, 2008, 11:01 AM

, I was wondering the same. , my heart goes out to you too. I feel the most destructive thing is when a person allows the parent to continue to control your feelings. Let me tell you a little about my story.My mother was physically and mentally abusive. Picture broken bones, cuts and burns.....deliberat ely done, while she laughed. The mental torture of being locked in the attic where we were told big rats were there that eat children and then she used a broom to mimic the sound of rats coming. I was the oldest and my father's favorite (not a designation that is a good one when there were 7 of us). When I was a little girl, I slept under the bed because I was afraid that my mother would come in the middle of the night and stab me. I taught my little brother to do the same. When I was in my early thirties, I came to feel differently for my mother. I realized that she was

mentally ill during that time, and there was no services in those days to help her and no family and friends in the state we lived in. She was alone with small children without enough food to feed them, and even heat to warm them at times. My father came home only on Friday night and left Sunday night. He worked out of state. She was also in a loveless marriage. My father married her because it was the right thing to do because she was pregnant with me. He had already ended the relationship months earlier. My father was controlling. He controlled everything. My mother never had but a few dollars and coins in her pocket at any given time. I always knew my father loved us. He was a hard taskmaster, but a fair one. My mother hurt herself and was haunted by what she had done. One child was taken away by the courts as an abused child. I felt that my father could do no wrong. As I matured, I came to

realize that he was the biggest part of the problem. I loved him greatly too. I came to see them for who they really were ---- two people who weren't right for each other, who both loved us and who both had some terrible faults as well as some wonderful assets. My mother was very creative and a great artist.My mother got better with age when she had more creature comforts and worked outside the home to earn money for Christmas presents for us. Or we would have none. The best thing I did for myself was when I forgave my mother and came to love her. She died when she was 62 and I would give anything to have her back with me. She ended her last 20+ years of life being a loving and gentle mother and fantastic grandmother. If I had never forgiven her, I would never have been able to see this. Verleen>> Hi veronica> > My heart went out to you when I read about your mom and how she treated you ...is it possible she is mentally ill ????> > I'm starting to look at families and see that where there is one with a neurological disorder or a mental illness there is always one or two more that seem to be troubled.> Lowry

[Guest guest]

, I was wondering the same. , my heart goes out to you too. I feel the most destructive thing is when a person allows the parent to continue to control your feelings. Let me tell you a little about my story.My mother was physically and mentally abusive.

I can definitely relate to the "T" Square!

Picture broken bones, cuts and burns.....deliberately done, while she laughed.

Her nails pricked my skin until I bled, specially as wanted me to do something I felt was not safe or against my ethics to do. Specially if it had to do with dad. She hit me a lot, every day!

The mental torture of being locked in the attic where we were told big rats were there that eat children and then she used a broom to mimic the sound of rats coming. I was the oldest and my father's favorite (not a designation that is a good one when there were 7 of us). When I was a little girl, I slept under the bed because I was afraid that my mother would come in the middle of the night and stab me. I taught my little brother to do the same.

I also slept on the floor, or confine places, I never felt safe with her.

I never knew when will I be smacked or hurt either.

I would separate the bed from the wall, and place myself right in between. I wanted to be safe. I could only cling to my pillow, not even to the two stuffed toys I had. I hide them, so that she could not take them away or rip them. Yet at the end she took them away :'[

and hurt me for saying something about it.

I detested living in fear, 24/7 fear, constant and unforgiven fear. When I was in my early thirties, I came to feel differently for my mother. I realized that she was mentally ill during that time, and there was no services in those days to help her and no family and friends in the state we lived in. She was alone with small children without enough food to feed them, and even heat to warm them at times. My father came home only on Friday night and left Sunday night. He worked out of state. She was also in a loveless marriage. My father married her because it was the right thing to do because she was pregnant with me. He had already ended the relationship months earlier. My father was controlling. He controlled everything. My mother never had but a few dollars and coins in her pocket at any given time.

My father was very controlling, and he never allowed mother to work, but she could have worked with him in his office. He was Medical Doctor and Surgeon and she could have been in his office checking patients.

He was expecting that, after all he was providing her with plenty of help to take care of all of us. His office was one door away form the house, so it was more than possible. She was just not into it at all.

I always knew my father loved us. He was a hard taskmaster, but a fair one.

Dad was also fair, that I loved about him. He had patience with us, he was cool. Yet he spanked us or gave us the belt IF he thought we needed one. One of the things I do appreciate he did was to tell me WHY he was correcting us. mother only hurt me, no explanation why-- there was really no one-- She hit me with so much desire to hurt me, that even some of my own classmates would ask me if she was my real mother.

Few times, when people saw her looking at me in public places and they did not know I was with her this is what I would hear: , do you know that woman who is looking at you with so much hate? When I turned to see who they would be talking to, I just said she is mother.......

My mother hurt herself and was haunted by what she had done. One child was taken away by the courts as an abused child. I felt that my father could do no wrong. As I matured, I came to realize that he was the biggest part of the problem.

Dad was part of the problem, but he gave enormous opportunities for her to "improve her demeanor and attitude toward him and us" He got tired after over a decade and things went down hill since then.

I do feel sorry for mother, she lost a lot by being the way she is. She has a good heart toward others, it is just whatever I make her feel that gets to her. It is a very confusing thing for me; when dad died it was as if I had lost my own identity; something in me died as well. Since then I have not been the same in a way; I love him, and even when he was harsh, he gave me reasons for it. I knew why, and I also knew that even when it was very hard to live with him and survive him; he was there for me and also made me feel "I belonged". He was a good guy in his heart, and a genius in his mind. If she could have "tried" to compromise, and to be affectionate and caring toward him; she would have not only have his heart, but also kept us together.

I loved him greatly too. I came to see them for who they really were ---- two people who weren't right for each other, who both loved us and who both had some terrible faults as well as some wonderful assets. My mother was very creative and a great artist.

Pretty much the same here, one thing I have always said: When in a relationship two opposite attracts, it can be a recipe for disaster. Mother was the opposite of dad, and I think he though she could be controlled without much efforts....... Worse thing to ever happen to him, as he needed someone that was the "Go get it type partner"

My mother got better with age when she had more creature comforts and worked outside the home to earn money for Christmas presents for us. Or we would have none. The best thing I did for myself was when I forgave my mother and came to love her.

I can not say I love her, as it is not what I feel for dad. What I feel for dad is absolute love, even now that I so dearly love his teachings. I do not seem to have feelings for her that are negative, only sadness and I supposed it is a form of feeling sorry for her being.

I never felt I should have put the "my" before I write the word mother, so she is mother for me.

Many times I heard others saying "it is as if she is not her daughter" That is how bad things were, others wondered often if she was really mother.

When I asked my dad if she was my mother, he took me by the hand and brought me to where she was, and then tole her to tell me that she was actually my mother. She only cross her hands and no one muscle in her face moved. She never spoke, my dad told her and I felt him getting angry and upset. I was afraid of her even more, and I had so much pain that I could no longer see but only a little circle. Everything became dark and I know my dad took me out and we went in his car to do other stuffs. It was a Wednesday, dad and I stayed together until evening. Dad had tears in his eyes while he drove, and he wiped mine off. I was actually crying because he had tears in his eyes and I did not want him to hurt for me. He told me not to worry, that she was mother and that he could take me to the nurse who was present when he delivered me. Dad delivered all of us :-) I just love him so very dearly! His hands were the first one to touch me, his eyes the first one to see me. My eyes were the last one to see him, my lips to kiss him and my hands to caress his head one last time before I closed his casket. I miss him greatly, I miss the Aspie belonging between him and I....... Even when it has transcended death itself.

She died when she was 62

So did my dad, very young indeed. He was handsome in my views :-) And he also though so himself ;-)

and I would give anything to have her back with me.

((((((( Verleen )))))))....... I know.

She ended her last 20+ years of life being a loving and gentle mother and fantastic grandmother. If I had never forgiven her, I would never have been able to see this. Verleen

This is a very good way of living life. I am not sure if I am able to forgive as I feel there is nothing to forgive. She was a victim of her own self, trapped in her own ways. She has always been that way, and there is not way on Earth that she can help it or could improve.

Even when things are against her own, she is still not able to make an improvement.

Not even now, she is extremely stubborn and also extremely proud. She would not make or take a decision on her own, not even an obvious one. Yet the ones that she might take on her own are usually taken out of emotions and never out of careful planning or logic.

She is her own worse enemy, even now.

On the bright side, she is loved by one of my nephews greatly and also by my nieces.

It is a very good thing as it brings her a sense of being loved and belonging as well.

I used to think when I was little: I wonder when will I be able to stop being hurt, I want to grow up so I can leave. I never doubted I would survive, and mostly have always had enormous faith in God and his love for me.

I want to behave and also be in peace with myself in life; I want to continue to be happy.

I aim high when it comes to the end for me....... The end in mind for me is ultimately reach heaven. I just hope that she also does, after all it has to be draining and scary to be her, never having a clear path. I truly hope that she finds a happy place for her in her heart.

She scares me, but I feel the need to help her if need be.

Small world ha Verleen!

Good Night and Blessings,

.

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