Re: 'The Asperger Couple's Workbook,' (by Maxine Aston)

[Guest guest]

,

thank you for sharing this link. I wasn't aware that she'd published

a new workbook. I read her first book several years ago ... it was a

gift from a former ASPIRES member .... and I was SO impressed by

Maxine's obvious intelligence and her gentleness and how well she

" gets " AS. I lent the book to a couple of my friends and one read it

and said " Wow! This is really right on! " The other friend, however,

who was having a lot of difficulty in her marriage at the time and a

lot of stress with trying to get her low functioning autistic son's

needs met, started reading it but found it " painful " and

" overwhelming " at that point her life. For her it was just enough

dealing with her day to day survival without trying to retroactively

analyze and fix things. I haven't read Maxine's second book though I

understand it's quite interesting and also looks at female AS

partners as well. I shall have to look up this book. But then, maybe

like yourself ... I'm at a point in my life where I really need to

focus on me, and what I need to do. I'm beyond trying to do work on

someone else...

- Helen

[Guest guest]

Helen,I read another book of hers, and it seemed to assume that a person with AS is limited in what he or she can appomplish, and from what I read, I was already way beyond much of what was in her book. I felt limited by what I read. Is this one better in that regard?Subject: Re: 'The Asperger Couple's Workbook,' (by Maxine Aston)To: aspires-relationships Date: Saturday, November 29, 2008, 9:39 PM

,

thank you for sharing this link. I wasn't aware that she'd published

a new workbook. I read her first book several years ago ... it was a

gift from a former ASPIRES member .... and I was SO impressed by

Maxine's obvious intelligence and her gentleness and how well she

"gets" AS. I lent the book to a couple of my friends and one read it

and said "Wow! This is really right on!" The other friend, however,

who was having a lot of difficulty in her marriage at the time and a

lot of stress with trying to get her low functioning autistic son's

needs met, started reading it but found it "painful" and

"overwhelming" at that point her life. For her it was just enough

dealing with her day to day survival without trying to retroactively

analyze and fix things. I haven't read Maxine's second book though I

understand it's quite interesting and also looks at female AS

partners as well. I shall have to look up this book. But then, maybe

like yourself ... I'm at a point in my life where I really need to

focus on me, and what I need to do. I'm beyond trying to do work on

someone else...

- Helen

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I didn't read that book .. you are talking about " Aspergers in Love "

right? There was a lot of talk in the adult ASD community about it

and some reacted very strongly to the perceived negativity towards

our community. Since I didn't read it I can not comment.

Her first book, " The other half of Aspeger Syndrome " was written more

for NT spouses, but I found that there was some things that really

rang true for me in that book. What didn't apply to me or my

situation I just skipped over. I was also aware that those situations

were certainly true for some of my relatives, and when I thought

about my much younger self, well I was pretty hyper vigilant and

belligerent - it was my protection against the world.

There was a section on AS and violence in the first book. It DOES

happen. It just doesn't happen in most instances but when it does,

it's a serious issue for spouses and their children! I read over the

section lightly at first since it did not apply to me, but on second

read I realized this was a huge issue when I was a child because I

witnessed violence. I do strongly believe AS played a large role.

Violence can happen without AS of course but if you look at all the

different scenarios under which violence takes place, you ask

yourself " why " ... there are many reasons ... alcohol, drug abuse,

mental illness, but in the case of AS it's different again, and I

realized that the perpetrator was melting down, but mind you, the

victim didn't help matters either by escalating the perpetrator. Not

that this makes it justified, but this was all really important for

me to understand. I could then be able to forgive and begin to heal,

knowing that this wasn't intentional, it was just ... a perfect storm ....

- Helen

[Guest guest]

Helen,Thanks for writing back. There are AS who are violent, and I know a couple of them. I can see your point. I guess my problem was partly the patronizing language she used, and partly her language, which I may have taken too literally, to indicate that she believed that all AS were limited- forever. While we may be limited initially, we do grow. As someone said (who was it?), we are developmentally delayed, and not arrested.I can see where information about violent spouses might be useful. There were things in it that rang true of me when I was much younger, and un-dxed. just being dx-ed or self-dx gives plenty of information.Subject: Re: 'The Asperger Couple's Workbook,' (by Maxine Aston)To: aspires-relationships Date: Saturday, November 29, 2008, 10:13 PM

Hi ,

I didn't read that book .. you are talking about "Aspergers in Love"

right? There was a lot of talk in the adult ASD community about it

and some reacted very strongly to the perceived negativity towards

our community. Since I didn't read it I can not comment.

Her first book, "The other half of Aspeger Syndrome" was written more

for NT spouses, but I found that there was some things that really

rang true for me in that book. What didn't apply to me or my

situation I just skipped over. I was also aware that those situations

were certainly true for some of my relatives, and when I thought

about my much younger self, well I was pretty hyper vigilant and

belligerent - it was my protection against the world.

There was a section on AS and violence in the first book. It DOES

happen. It just doesn't happen in most instances but when it does,

it's a serious issue for spouses and their children! I read over the

section lightly at first since it did not apply to me, but on second

read I realized this was a huge issue when I was a child because I

witnessed violence. I do strongly believe AS played a large role.

Violence can happen without AS of course but if you look at all the

different scenarios under which violence takes place, you ask

yourself "why" ... there are many reasons ... alcohol, drug abuse,

mental illness, but in the case of AS it's different again, and I

realized that the perpetrator was melting down, but mind you, the

victim didn't help matters either by escalating the perpetrator. Not

that this makes it justified, but this was all really important for

me to understand. I could then be able to forgive and begin to heal,

knowing that this wasn't intentional, it was just ... a perfect storm ....

- Helen

[Guest guest]

,

I do understand what you mean about patronizing language. Sometimes I

can be set off by it too. Most of the time I try to live by the maxim

that if the shoe fits, wear it ...but it doesn't, then don't buy the shoe!

Nonetheless, sometimes I too am bothered by language that would make

us spectrum sisters and brothers seem " less than " everyone else. It's

also one of the reasons why I go ballistic I read another " the AS

made me do it " legal defense story. Don't tell me that because of

your AS you didn't grasp the implications of your actions, unless you

have an IQ of less than 85!!! I guess I can't blame parents or

defense lawyers for *trying* to save the wretched criminal's hide,

but justice MUST prevail or else I shudder for our collective future!

I got side-tracked there ... sorry .... <smile!> but anyway, I have

had the unfortunate experience of having disclosed a condition (my

anxiety disorder) to a friend, and thereafter, I felt I had lost a

whole lot of credibility with him.

In time I came to learn that both his wife and daughter had a mental

illness and it had really curtailed a lot of his own ambitions

because of the level of care they needed. So what he was doing was

projecting his experience with them, on to me as well, and not seeing

that I am NOT a label, and besides I am very different from them.

In my case I am able to over-ride the panic attacks and I'm not

imprisoned by them. It's just real unpleasant to be standing the

grocery store, picking over tomatoes and minding your own business,

and having a sudden fit of shortness of breath and gasping for air,

for no apparent reason. But I know what it is, and I carry on.

That doesn't make me better than his wife and daughter, U understand.

But I came to realize my illness was a lightning rod for all his

resentment for his thwarted hopes, wishes and dreams. I think that

happens in a lot of cases, that folks know just enough about an

illness or neurological condition as they may have been affected by

it directly or indirectly, and have seen the havoc it has wreaked for

other loved ones, so when you disclose you have a the condition (I

would not, publicly. Here at ASPIRES is my " safe " place!) these folks

are thinking, " oh, so YOU'VE done that to your family, too. " Of

course, it could also be exploited in divorce and custody cases, and

in employment situations as well. In the past we've had a few folks

join our group who were basically looking at ammunition to lob at

their spouse in a high-stakes divorce. Old timers will remember one

particularly nasty situation from 5 years ago ... a couple from

Canada. But in real life, YIPES, my sympathies go to the Apsie who is

being pathologized by a *supposedly* NT but very vindictive,

self-centered and mercenary spouse. The children, if there are any,

are simply pawns. What's just as disturbing for our members is the

realization that such folks are probably printing out the " relevant "

discussions from this group, and showing them to their

lawyers. There have been a few situations like that and when the

list owner sees what is going on, she removes those members.

As you said in one of your earlier emails when you said you'd LOVE to

" come out " AS in the future. So would I. But our time has not come

yet. Our special neurological wiring is still greatly misunderstood

and sometimes, unfortunately, people do generalize about us and

forget we are all individuals with varying challenges and strengths.

- Helen

[Guest guest]

Princess wrote:

> grow. As someone said (who was it?), we are developmentally delayed,

> and not arrested.

Violent ones are arrested. ;-)

Leads me to wonder whether the rumour about AS having an excess of

testosterone might sometimes be correct... because that is often linked

with violent behaviour.

AS alpha male? Sounds an oxymoron.

[Guest guest]

There is a fantastic article on wikipedia for Aspberger's Syndrome. There is actually a mention of studies linking (or rather de-linking) violence and AS

-U

From: Tim Channon

Sent: Sunday, November 30, 2008 5:52 PM

To: aspires-relationships

Subject: Re: 'The Asperger Couple's Workbook,' (by Maxine Aston)

Princess wrote:> grow. As someone said (who was it?), we are developmentally delayed,> and not arrested.Violent ones are arrested. ;-)Leads me to wonder whether the rumour about AS having an excess oftestosterone might sometimes be correct... because that is often linkedwith violent behaviour.AS alpha male? Sounds an oxymoron.

[Guest guest]

Usarian wrote:

> There is a fantastic article on wikipedia for Aspberger's Syndrome.

> There is actually a mention of studies linking (or rather de-linking)

> violence and AS

That is my understanding yet aggressiveness gets mentioned, perhaps not

the same thing as actual break people's arms.