Re: ....... Oldies

[Guest guest]

Hi and all,

you are right, life goes forward no matter what.......

I had my computer crashed and the files I had backup were somehow corrupted, so I lost my personal back up as well, and do not have earlier posts for the most part.

I do remember some of the things that were posted long ago. Boy its been 7 or 8 years for me in the list. I think of each year as a child developing. If I had a child that would have been born when I joined Aspires, he, or she would be 7 or 8.

I think I joined in 2001 If I am not mistaken. I think that after I joined it took me a long time to post. I was a lurker at the beginning....... I supposed that I was trying to figure out if the people here were nuttier than me ;-)

Since I felt at home, I decided to post. Sometimes I withdrew and did not post for a very long time.

I am back to posting now, I am not restricted anymore for the thing I can do or should do. I am back in my exercise program and looking forward to life the way I used to look. I am doing well on that venue, and I am content and happy as well.

I think that one of the post that brought me back to again were jim7000 posts.

I can relate to his ordeal as I saw it happening to dad and in a way to me as well.

I am glad I answered to his post as it helps me come back with enthusiasm as I am be able to give my input and help somehow, or hope I do.

I think we have a nice group right now, interesting people with very intense subjects.

Subjects that show the core problems that some of us somewhere in the spectrum (even if only traits) have to face in the world out there.

Trying to see the details of what life and communication are about, the links between words and feelings. A simple meaning of a word can take or have a different meaning for some of us than for some NT's.

When I went to the doctors to be tested for AS, one said I had it, the other one said I was borderline Aspie. She thought I had too many abilities, to classify as very Aspie.

One of my brothers thought, if she just knew how untamable you were when little, she would label you with full AS.

Indeed, I was a very difficult child, but somehow I made the connections and those connections were made by putting myself through the mill! I had to toughen up my fears, go through them not matter if they made me sick to my stomach.

I had to go through all of them, face them and survive them. It was not easy, but I had no choice, dad has merciless when it came to put me through the mill! Yet, if it was not for him and my faith in God who kept me going, I would have not make it.

I felt very sad and angry when I found out of the dx, I cry, I depressed, I rampage, I calmed down, and I hit rock bottom....... It felt more like I have the bottom of the rock!

I was withdrawn for a couple of days, no communication, no eating, nothing, but thinking and analyzing my life, my failures, my successes. It was hard, hard, hard, hard to go through the realization of how your life has been affected by being in the spectrum.

Once the shock past a little bit, I saw for the first time in those days a gray lining in the cloud, and I started to think of all the positive things that comes from being in the spectrum. I thought that I would not want to be anything else. If God came down and asked me if I wanted to be an NT, I would fall on my knees and beg him not to make me an NT.

If I am the person I am, and I am good and try to live a decent life with peace of mind, then I like who I am. I know how I feel and it is so powerful that I would be afraid of being someone else. I do not want to be someone else than me, and if that means I am AS, then May God be blessed as he made me and he does not makes mistakes.

I got out of my shock little by little, but after being emotionally drained for so long, I also found myself stronger, and more assertive. Better self esteem and also confidence in me. I cling more and more to God and prayed for guidance, I was suffering and got sick almost every day, just to make it out there. I went to work, and functioned almost automatically, by inertia, by whatever I could in order to make the days....... When I came home, I would plummet in bed and think again, and sleep as to get myself ready for the next day. It was a roller coaster, but I knew the truth, or most of it. The things I did in my life were lined to AS, mistakes or NOT. My abilities were thanks to AS or the traits of having it.

It was not all bad, not all was the fault of AS either.

I learned to improve, to try to change the negatives traits of As and to make AS work for me, NOT against me.

I could only go up from having hit the bottom of the rock! I was alone, and felt scared, but I endure it, and I made online friends (Aspires). I was able to read about other's lives and how they had struggle as well. I started to see that it was not just me; but that I was blessed that I had made it to a nice degree.

Life is not that hard, but when one has AS, it becomes a struggle at times. The mistakes we male can keep us down, the guilt, the sorrow, the pity that at times we feel for ourselves

can keep us in the bubble of AS.

Yet I see there is hope, there is a lot more than was there when I was a child.

I often wonder what would I have become if there was the help out there when I was growing up?

Or if dad would have had the time to teach me and reach me even more?

Mom was non existent, so she made things worse by the miles for me! Her influence was a negative one, for all of us, and even more so for her own.

If dad would have found the right person for him, and if I was given a chance by her, perhaps then I could have been more than what I am now.

Mother was too stubborn, she never helped at all, she destroyed with her own hands her own home. I wonder once in while about that, but then again it is all in God's hands.

I was very blessed that dad was able to do all the things he did for us, it was so nice to have him as my dad and mom at the same time! He was a tall mom, rough mom, but he fed us, and helped us. He loved to cook, and he always did things the Aspie way! <giggling with happiness> He was a good guy, he was my dad! :-)

He taught me by means of details, if I could see the detail in a situation, and link them all (the most difficult part of it all) I would be able to see the whole picture AND understand IT!

It is that way the one I understand most things in life, cause/effect....... What made this happen, and why. How can it be prevented and how. What is the root of the problem, not the problem alone! It is not easy, but in some respect I learned-- or like to think that I have learned to read some people and situations.

I am still though, trying to make up what intentions others have by doing things....... I am still naive, but for the most part I do well.

Aspires has been a family, and I welcome the posts, Aspires is strong and I remember all the ordeals we as family have gone through.

I remember in particular your ordeal with Larry and all you went through while the divorce took place. I see the same , except that stronger and more assertive in life.

You are a very nice lady, and a strong one as well.

Just like I like and dislike some members of my real own family, I do the same here in Aspires....... But what I appreciate about it, is that I can still post and relate to some of the things everyone goes through in here. We do not have to agree, or like each other to be able to post. We are our own individuals and we bring the best and at times the not good of us here. Yet we try to talk, to exchange opinions, to share information and to help in what we can.

Aspires is a nice list to belong to, and a good emotional support system as well.

I am happy I am part of this list, it has been good company as well!

Sincerely,

.

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