Sharing beds-- Part of my story.... Long, ladies might relate-- Poking a beehive

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If I were married, etc. I would not want my own room to sleep in and such. I may as well as just be a roomate, if that is the case.

Being married DOES NOT guaranties being partners, lovers, confidants, friends....... At times, you might just be a roommate to the one you are legally tied to absolutely nothing else, but a convenient roommate to have!!!!!!!.......

Yet, I do "understand" what you mean!

What I am going to share next is my experience only, and my personal opinion on things. I am of course entitled to be wrong, after all I surely made a mistake as big as life....... Yet tried to make the best of it, and also to move forward with a more peaceful life, and peace of mind....... For him and I!

In my case, when I was in a relationship in the past, the person whom I was with was not someone that was interested in sex, intimacy, affection, belonging, togetherness, family or anything in the like!

Having him next to me was the same as being alone, but more painful. It was a torture as I wanted to be intimate. IT was very hard to be next to someone who did not love back, or could not love back, or was just so unable to adapt, to live life....... He existed as he breath, but that was IT! in many aspects and areas of his life. He was like having a roommate in my bed, a son to take care of if need be when he wanted his problems solved....... But never a man.

He was not my partner, neither my lover, neither my friend, neither my confidant. HE was someone I was obligated to due to the 'law' at the end. An enormous sense of responsibility, a sense of having made a commitment that was only truly made by me.

He was a roommate in my own bed, an stranger per se. He was an NT, and it was hard to believe he lacked of complete desire!

I never felt hope, but kept on wishing....... I never felt I was anything else but someone to be "there" for him as a security Blanket!

It was no fun to come to bed and know what will not happen, even worse to feel betrayed and lied about the truth. It was hard to be in the same room and not even share a prayer, a hug, a snuggle, a kiss....... We were roommates indeed, but sleeping in the same room was cold, and felt unnatural....... specially for someone who wanted to be a good spouse. I was alone all the way through in the road of marriage....... it hurt.

Yes, I would have loved to have a real spouse in my life, I prepared for it for most of my life....... I failed to recognize that I was being cheated out of life, cheated out of living life and also happiness.

What bothers me the most is that his parents seem to have known of his son's troubles.......

Yet, I was the solution to his son's inability to make peers and relationships that were approved by them. Actually they were aware of more than what I was, and at the end, when I talked to his father....... His dad told me, what you need is a child....... I said: In order for me to have been able to have kids, he will need to participate.

I told his dad he was not affectionate, neither seek or liked intimacy....... His response to it was: He is just like his mother, frigid! Then he saw me with understanding in his eyes, and

said: He knew he was shy and....... (did not finish the sentence, no need. We both knew he knew what his son problem was....... Yet, I was also the hope for his son to have an organized life).......

I felt even more betrayed then ever, all of it could have been prevented and the life of others including mine would have not been affected so much!

I was naive, I trusted, I fulfilled my part of the responsibilities as a spouse and also as a woman, but he did not reciprocate! So when I know I have someone next to me who is living life alone, and whom is seeking companionship as that is what society expected him to do....... Well NO, I must definitely welcomed a different bedroom, it was peaceful that way, I had no one to be wanting to snuggle me, to hug me, to be able to be an spouse.

If I was to be in a relationship with someone who is able to perform as a partner, spouse, lover, friend, confidant, and to reciprocate love....... and caresses....... and "life", live life to the fullest! And be together to face the difficulties the world and our own lives might bring as a "couple"....... Oh yes, then we both would know that we will be in our own bedroom and use it wisely as well. A place where we can have our own little space to pray, to talk, to unwind and to relax and of course to be us and enjoy us as well.

Still there might be a time in which I or him might need time to be alone, to not be close.......

or to want to withdraw and think. IT is in those cases that open communication is needed with kindness. Always giving explanations of why there is a need to be alone for a period of time. All depends on how a person is and feels or his/her needs might be. Wether they are physiological, psychological, emotional, intellectual, or spiritual needs, those way of living should always be respected. They should also be protected as to respect your mate or spouse, or lover or partner. Those things, specially when they are known intellectually, felt in your heart, and practice daily should only serve as to strengthen a relationship....... and help it go forward in a positive, productive and goal oriented way IF problems between the couple should arrive.

In essence, having the same room would be the ideal things for a couple are in tune with each other and want to live and face life as partners. In my views (and I am entitled to my own opinion too) A bedroom is one of the most important rooms in the Temple that "home" is. In my views it is sacred, and in my views it should always be respected.

Yes, my views are strong, but rust me, most "man" would like to have and to see that the bedroom is treated in a very special way, it is a place where his wife or partner will make him feel he is the King of her heart, and life.

Romantic Unrealistic things??????? OH NO! It is just that with careful planning and with careful intellectual understanding of the impact in a relationship of this things....... And the common goals of both man and woman on respecting those views....... A more harmonious relationship-- based in openness, trust and honesty-- would be more easily achieved.......

It will help the house to be "home", It will give order to priorities in life, a chance to true love, and also it will help the couple to face the world and problematic situations with patience, understanding and belonging.

Those were my views which I discussed previously with ex, the ones he "faked" so well to share....... And never put in practice, neither tried....... I was convenient to him in many ways, and his target was to have that convenience, that security of I feeling the way I felt about marriage and life....... It guarantied to him that I was going to endure and stay.......

And I almost did, until I found myself again, until I valued my own self again, until I stop feeling guilty for all of what I had not done....... Until one day I discovered the truth, and even then I tried to deal with it, to move forward, to live through it, to endure it....... even at my own expense....... Until I started to think of things that were against my own belief, and also what God would want me to do.

I seek for opinions, advise and the whole package. I went to Psychologist, Psychiatrics, counselors, religious leaders, elders, books, I consumed my whole being in trying to do the right things, to not violate my own belief, my own principles in life....... I tried hard for a very long time.......

I cried with passion as I felt more than anything else, that I let God down, that I also failed to see through what my dad so badly worried about, my naivete!

I felt down, and did not see a solution to my dilemma, he could not be husband, neither made me feel he was being one. He was a roommate in any place of the house.......

He was an stranger with whom I happened to live....... Yes, even when we met and I was made believed that the things talked about so much were also what he wanted.......

It was not true once the commitment was made!

I was a woman who felt alone, yet filled with emotional responsibilities in addition to responsibilities of all types! I had to make, and take the decisions on everything.

If the house needed something to be fixed, I had to do it myself. If there was someone who was coming to check on something in the house, I had to be present. I had to be the male figure while I as inside dying to feel emotionally protected by the man I was with.

Yes, I knew how to make the decisions, I knew how to deal with the people out there, and how to get the best deal in town....... I knew it, my dad taught me a lifetime of this things.......

Yet, as a woman, I wanted him to "think", to give an opinion, to show me that there was another opinion that was better than mine....... I wanted him to take responsibility as a man to face the people who were coming to work in the house. I wanted him to have a mind of his own, like the one he pretended to show before I make the mistake of marrying.

I wanted to feel I was the woman, and he was the man. The roles we had talked about we were going to have and the areas in which those roles were going to become mutual.

The things that the "books" talk about being a couple. All those thing that psychologist talk about, that psychiatric talks about, that counselors talk about....... All the things that a good relationship are based on, were nothing else than a planned lie....... I never felt angry at him, I felt angry at my inability to have seen this things.

There were red flags in a way, but I did not see them red enough to be concerned.

I do not hate him, he is a good guy since he is compassionate and has a very good heart.

I do not think it was his fault that he was the way he was, but it was needless-- not matter HOW much hopes he had to changed once we were married-- He wanted to change, but his mind, body could not, would not. I did not want him to change, as I as always conscious of that not being possible.

If any, I wanted him to improve, to make an honest effort....... Yet, how do change somebody's "emotional" desire to be intimate. Biologically, it could have been improved, but it was not a biological problem....... Even if he took medication to improve his libido, his desire for it was non-existent! He seemed to have a deep lack for intimacy with another human being. There is much more as well, but all in all....... IT was a deep problem, beyond biological needs, emotional frustrations, and his mind. Trying to change him, was not in my book. He as he and it was for him to try to make any improvements; yet at the end, he said that he was happy with the way he was, and sad that he was that way at the same time.

I was always compassionate toward his being, I supposed that in a way I saw mother in him.......

And dad in me........ Yet I refused to make the mistakes they made, and the one dad so very terribly regretted to the day he died....... I move on, and let him be happy, he is alright. He knows too that he could have been better as a husband, but I tell him do not worry, we both are alright.

At least he knows of his limitations and he does not want to do that to someone else's. He will remain single for the rest of his life....... I will be skeptical of anyone who comes close to me, but I will give my lie a chance.......

You cannot change someone, neither should anyone change you. It just does not works at all. At the end it turns things into resentment, and puts enormous distances between two people. It is best to do the right thing....... I felt he was better off moving on with his life and I with mine....... It only made me feel terrible to see him entering the bedroom later than me just that he was hoping I was asleep and would not try to be intimate. It was very sad, as much as he said he liked me, he also told me that I needed to continue to try to make a move on him, that one day, he might feel the sexual desire. He actually was hoping to feel it, it was then that I knew that I had to move on.

he just could to do it, and I just could not ask someone to do what they do not want to do, specially if it is intimate! See why I never had kids? And I love the rascals so darn much!, but never had them....... :-(

God knows best, so I just go on and ask him to one day bring the man I want to make so badly My King! I would be so neat to find someone who wished to be cared and loved for the way a woman wants to do so....... And to be reciprocated as well! It takes two to Tango! and to Tango well!

See how I feel about the roommate things.......

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