Re: Feeling Constrained with Wife in Stressful Situations

[Guest guest]

My advice is save both of you tremendous grief and pay someone else to do the tiles.

Feeling Constrained with Wife in Stressful Situations

To all:I am a 56 year old man with Asperger's. A few days ago, I wanted to put in some vinyl floor tiles in the kitchen, and my wife said she'd go to bed at a certain time. This seemed perfect for me--she'd go to bed, and I'd lay the tiles in the kitchen in quiet. However, she stayed up late instead. I ended up doing some of the work anyway, but she felt excluded that I wanted her out of the way when I did this. In general, I would say that I feel terribly constrained in circumstances when I have to tell my wife, "Now I am doing the tiles," "Now I am putting new software into the computer," etc. It's much easier to wait until she's gone and then do it.BEAR IN MIND that this only applies to things that give me some anxiety and that I've rarely done before, such as the tiles and putting new software into the computer. With things I feel comfortable with, such as checking e-mail, I have no problem with her being there and discussing it with her. BUT with new things that I feel might go wrong, the situation is otherwise--in those cases, I can't bear the presence of another person who might distract me with talking. Any advice?Raanan G

[Guest guest]

Have you ever explained it to her in advance the way you just explained it to us (see below)? Or say something like, "Honey, I like to have you around when I am doing something I am familiar with but when I am doing something new or different it makes me anxious and I really need to be able to focus while working on it." Then perhaps if she respects that and gives you time alone to work on it you could later talk about it with her (even if you don't want to). By talk about it with her I mean perhaps explain how it went, if you feel more comfortable with that task now or still feel uncertain, etc.

I don't know your wife, so maybe it wouldn't make any difference and I am not NT so maybe I am different from other women in this way but if my husband gave me that kind of explanation I would say, "Oh I get it, I'll just get out of your way and let you work in peace." Personally I think everyone needs to be able to focus when they are doing new or unfamiliar things. So it seems like it would make perfect sense... Maybe NT women here have another opinion?

Jennie AS

>>With things I feel comfortable with, such as checking e-mail, I have no problem with her being there and discussing it with her. BUT with new things that I feel might go wrong, the situation is otherwise--in those cases, I can't bear the presence of another person who might distract me with talking. Any advice?<<

[Guest guest]

Jennie,

I’m an NT woman and I was thinking the same question: did he

explain these issues to his wife? If my husband (HFA) explains the issues to me

I am more than happy to comply.

For years my husband would not tell me anything he would just get

annoyed or never start anything if I, or one of the kids, “was in the way”.

He was finally able to explain that he needed to be by himself to start and

sometimes finish projects. Now I try to ask, when needed, what he needs to proceed

with a project. This helps a lot, though now he often offers the information

without my asking.

Marci

Marci Wheeler, M.S.W.

Indiana

Resource Center for Autism

Indiana

Institute on Disability and Community

2853

E. Tenth Street

Bloomington,

IN 47408

Phone:

Fax:

mwheeler@...

www.iidc.indiana.edu/irca

From:

aspires-relationships

[mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of Jennie

Unknown

Sent: Friday, June 20, 2008 12:46 PM

To: aspires-relationships

Subject: Re: Feeling Constrained with Wife in

Stressful Situations

Have

you ever explained it to her in advance the way you just explained it to us

(see below)? Or say something like, " Honey, I like to have you around

when I am doing something I am familiar with but when I am doing something new

or different it makes me anxious and I really need to be able to focus while

working on it. " Then perhaps if she respects that and gives you time

alone to work on it you could later talk about it with her (even if you don't

want to). By talk about it with her I mean perhaps explain how

it went, if you feel more comfortable with that task now or still

feel uncertain, etc.

I

don't know your wife, so maybe it wouldn't make any difference and I am not NT

so maybe I am different from other women in this way but if my husband gave me

that kind of explanation I would say, " Oh I get it, I'll just get out of

your way and let you work in peace. " Personally I think everyone needs to

be able to focus when they are doing new or unfamiliar things. So it seems like

it would make perfect sense... Maybe NT women here have another opinion?

Jennie

AS

>>With things I feel

comfortable with, such as checking e-mail, I have no problem with

her being there and discussing it with her.

BUT with new things that I feel might go wrong, the situation is

otherwise--in those cases, I can't bear the presence of another

person who might distract me with talking. Any advice?<<

[Guest guest]

I think the way you feel is something anyone can relate to.Have you explained to her ?DanekaSubject: Feeling Constrained with Wife in Stressful SituationsTo: aspires-relationships Date: Friday, June 20, 2008, 1:24 PM

To all:

I am a 56 year old man with Asperger's. A few days ago, I wanted to

put in some vinyl floor tiles in the kitchen, and my wife said she'd

go to bed at a certain time. This seemed perfect for me--she'd go to

bed, and I'd lay the tiles in the kitchen in quiet. However, she

stayed up late instead. I ended up doing some of the work anyway,

but she felt excluded that I wanted her out of the way when I did

this. In general, I would say that I feel terribly constrained in

circumstances when I have to tell my wife, "Now I am doing the

tiles," "Now I am putting new software into the computer," etc. It's

much easier to wait until she's gone and then do it.

BEAR IN MIND that this only applies to things that give me some

anxiety and that I've rarely done before, such as the tiles and

putting new software into the computer. With things I feel

comfortable with, such as checking e-mail, I have no problem with

her being there and discussing it with her.

BUT with new things that I feel might go wrong, the situation is

otherwise--in those cases, I can't bear the presence of another

person who might distract me with talking. Any advice?

Raanan G

[Guest guest]

Raanan

I agree with the others. Explain it to her.

At the same time, I wonder, does she get her feelings hurt because she wants to help and thinks she can contribute. I love to do projects myself. Actually taught my husband how to lay ceramic tiles. I enjoy working with my hands and participating in projects.

Do you trust her? Does she make fun of you, criticize you, belittle you when you are trying new things?

Does she encourage you? Is she too noisey? Is she a cheerleader?

My AS husband seems to like to do a lot of projects when I'm not around. But, he also does them when I'm here. He seems to enjoy it when I encourage him or tell him how wonderful he is doing.

I actually enjoy doing some projects without him around. I don't like his offering of "helpful advice". That might just be my ego, but it does usually feel like criticism. Move it a little to the left, the right, the center. It's crooked, etc.

Hahaha. And, I bet he feels like this too.

But, on the whole I agree with telling her your reasons.

What are her reasons for wanting to be there?

Can you share these with us?

Sandy

Feeling Constrained with Wife in Stressful Situations

To all:I am a 56 year old man with Asperger's. A few days ago, I wanted to put in some vinyl floor tiles in the kitchen, and my wife said she'd go to bed at a certain time. This seemed perfect for me--she'd go to bed, and I'd lay the tiles in the kitchen in quiet. However, she stayed up late instead. I ended up doing some of the work anyway, but she felt excluded that I wanted her out of the way when I did this. In general, I would say that I feel terribly constrained in circumstances when I have to tell my wife, "Now I am doing the tiles," "Now I am putting new software into the computer," etc. It's much easier to wait until she's gone and then do it.BEAR IN MIND that this only applies to things that give me some anxiety and that I've rarely done before, such as the tiles and putting new software into the computer. With things I feel comfortable with, such as checking e-mail, I have no

problem with her being there and discussing it with her. BUT with new things that I feel might go wrong, the situation is otherwise--in those cases, I can't bear the presence of another person who might distract me with talking. Any advice?Raanan G

[Guest guest]

I've had the same problem. I get VERY VERY annoyed if I am starting

something and there is a lot of well meaning, helpful people buzzing

around me. While it may not seem to them that they are bugging me I

can get EXTREMELY BITCHY.

I've learned that and try to accommodate those around me. (it's not

fair for me to be on the case of a 7yo) so I do have to be a bit more

understanding.

I've gotten to the point where when I feel this way I just try and

stop and say, " Hold on let me get my head around this " or something

like that. It's NOT been easy and there are times where my wife can

tell I'm in 'that mind space' and we all try to get away from the

impending volcano.

Understanding that I CAN get this way and HOW it can affect others.

ALSO discussing things with my wife PRIOR to the emotions has been

helpful.

Leigh

> Raanan

> I agree with the others. Explain it to her.

> At the same time, I wonder, does she get her feelings hurt because she wants

> to help and thinks she can contribute. I love to do projects myself.

> Actually taught my husband how to lay ceramic tiles. I enjoy working with

> my hands and participating in projects.

> Do you trust her? Does she make fun of you, criticize you, belittle you

> when you are trying new things?

> Does she encourage you? Is she too noisey? Is she a cheerleader?

> My AS husband seems to like to do a lot of projects when I'm not around.

> But, he also does them when I'm here. He seems to enjoy it when I encourage

> him or tell him how wonderful he is doing.

> I actually enjoy doing some projects without him around. I don't like his

> offering of " helpful advice " . That might just be my ego, but it does

> usually feel like criticism. Move it a little to the left, the right, the

> center. It's crooked, etc.

> Hahaha. And, I bet he feels like this too.

> But, on the whole I agree with telling her your reasons.

> What are her reasons for wanting to be there?

> Can you share these with us?

> Sandy

>

> Feeling Constrained with Wife in Stressful

> Situations

>

> To all:

>

> I am a 56 year old man with Asperger's. A few days ago, I wanted to

> put in some vinyl floor tiles in the kitchen, and my wife said she'd

> go to bed at a certain time. This seemed perfect for me--she'd go to

> bed, and I'd lay the tiles in the kitchen in quiet. However, she

> stayed up late instead. I ended up doing some of the work anyway,

> but she felt excluded that I wanted her out of the way when I did

> this. In general, I would say that I feel terribly constrained in

> circumstances when I have to tell my wife, " Now I am doing the

> tiles, " " Now I am putting new software into the computer, " etc. It's

> much easier to wait until she's gone and then do it.

> BEAR IN MIND that this only applies to things that give me some

> anxiety and that I've rarely done before, such as the tiles and

> putting new software into the computer. With things I feel

> comfortable with, such as checking e-mail, I have no problem with

> her being there and discussing it with her.

> BUT with new things that I feel might go wrong, the situation is

> otherwise--in those cases, I can't bear the presence of another

> person who might distract me with talking. Any advice?

>

> Raanan G

>

>

[Guest guest]

I guess what I didn't say. I wonder if your wife is like me in this. I love to work as a team with others also. I always feel like we can split the work in some fashion. For example when we did the tile work, he cut all the pieces precisely and I layed them. We could have reversed it, but he is such a perfectionist that I knew his pieces would be wonderful. (I used to think I was a perfectionist and also used to fight against it, because I knew it drove me and others crazy.) But boy, I could see it in Nick whenever we did something, and somehow (even though it absolutely drove me nuts, cause it seemed like things would take so loooonggg, I got used to it and accepted it because somehow I knew it made him happy and the end result was fantastic.

But, before I went off on that tangent.... If he IS working on something I really enjoy helping. In fact..I'm such a DOER, that I feel guilty NOT participating. I feel lazy and not carrying my share. I also think I have good ideas that can make a project go smoother or possibly a little better ( more stylish, quicker, whatever). So I kind of but in I guess. I wonder if your wife is like that.

Nick and I seem to work pretty well on projects together (NOW). I am always cautious in inviting others to help or participate, because I don't know how he will take their suggestions or help. He does seem to think his way is THE ONLY WAY to do something. And, our friends and family are all pretty intelligent and usually have very good ideas.

I'm thinking that we work together better NOW, because we have butted heads so much in the past, but that now we both have a better sense of who each of us are and what we are really trying to accomplish...and I guess that we are REALLY NOT trying to compete with each other.

He does seem to think I am competing. I"m not. But I do like to be part of it. I'm thinking that over time he will not think that, especially as he learns more about AS.

But, also my knowlege about it helps me understand what he might be feeling.

So, long story short, is she really wanting to help, and feeling guilty and lazy that she isn't allowed? Or is she feeling left out because she thinks she may have some good and legitimate ideas that could really be helpful? And I don't mean the ...move it to the left..or move it to the right...because I do really think that is idiotic...we all have good eyes and can make something look good.

Sandy

[aspires-relationsh ips] Feeling Constrained with

Wife in Stressful> Situations>> To all:>> I am a 56 year old man with Asperger's. A few days ago, I wanted to> put in some vinyl floor tiles in the kitchen, and my wife said she'd> go to bed at a certain time. This seemed perfect for me--she'd go to> bed, and I'd lay the tiles in the kitchen in quiet. However, she> stayed up late instead. I ended up doing some of the work anyway,> but she felt excluded that I wanted her out of the way when I did> this. In general, I would say that I feel terribly constrained in> circumstances when I have to tell my wife, "Now I am doing the> tiles," "Now I am putting new software into the computer," etc. It's> much easier to wait until she's gone and then do it.> BEAR IN MIND that this only applies to things that give me some> anxiety and that I've rarely done before, such as the tiles and> putting new

software into the computer. With things I feel> comfortable with, such as checking e-mail, I have no problem with> her being there and discussing it with her.> BUT with new things that I feel might go wrong, the situation is> otherwise--in those cases, I can't bear the presence of another> person who might distract me with talking. Any advice?>> Raanan G>>

[Guest guest]

not everyone has this option...I assume you are being facetious. jkzMy advice is save both of you tremendous grief and pay someone else to do the tiles.     Feeling Constrained with Wife in Stressful SituationsTo all:I am a 56 year old man with Asperger's. A few days ago, I wanted to put in some vinyl floor tiles in the kitchen, and my wife said she'd go to bed at a certain time. This seemed perfect for me--she'd go to bed, and I'd lay the tiles in the kitchen in quiet. However, she stayed up late instead. I ended up doing some of the work anyway, but she felt excluded that I wanted her out of the way when I did this. In general, I would say that I feel terribly constrained in circumstances when I have to tell my wife, "Now I am doing the tiles," "Now I am putting new software into the computer," etc. It's much easier to wait until she's gone and then do it.BEAR IN MIND that this only applies to things that give me some anxiety and that I've rarely done before, such as the tiles and putting new software into the computer. With things I feel comfortable with, such as checking e-mail, I have no problem with her being there and discussing it with her. BUT with new things that I feel might go wrong, the situation is otherwise--in those cases, I can't bear the presence of another person who might distract me with talking. Any advice?Raanan G