Re: Nurture Give & Take-- Karmyn :-)

[Guest guest]

He hasdecided to clean out the garage and park the clutter in the kitchenand dinning area. He is also trying to get me involved with starting anew project of turning the storage room into a work shop. Thisbehavior is typical whenever my son has extra needs (the start ofschool, band, school trips etc). The reason I am writing is becauseyou mentioned that you & your husband were able to get past this verydraining behavior. I would welcome any advice, books, resources youused to get past this. I too feel towards my husband as though he wereanother child and have zero interest in marital relations with him.Best wishes for a happy holiday season. Thank you for any informationyou may have. Bless You.

Hi Karmyn, sweetie,

This is , AS female, or strong traits of it....... Hope to be moving toward PDS-NOS

I am using the word sweetie as I am trying to show you that I am hoping to be perceive in the right way. I am trying to show you what happened to me and dad as for you to see if that THAT might e something your husband might be feeling right now....... what I am hoping to express in this mail is my personal views and experience and hope you can find something in it that helps. I know you sent the message to Usarian and his wife....... but I will try to respond to it as well.

I wanted to say something here, yes indeed a lot of NT woman and NT man need recognition for all their endurance in a relationship with AS.

I have also to say, that many AS woman, and many AS man also need recognition to endure so much as well from NT's.

I was one of the AS woman who had to endure for several years the indifference and also the lack of responsibility of a person who was NOT in the spectrum!

He lacked of the general idea of what to be a partner meant, to be my friend, my confidant, and much more, specially to be intimate with me.

I do not know what his issues were, but in any case I tried to work with them and him in a conscious caring and kind manner.......

I would have accepted a man only wanting to be intimate during some times. I can deal with it....... (It is alright if there is a long talk explaining in any arrangement I might have with him on this or other matters)

But I could not deal with the total lack of intimacy and the lack of telling me the truth.

The truth was that he could not do it. He could not do it with me or with any other woman.

Yet for a long time, I felt rejected and I felt trapped in a "status" of being married with no way out.

I felt cheated out of a marital life, of the enjoyment of bonding with a partner that way.

I felt devastated to say the least emotionally, and it was hard to feel good that way as I have a naughty nature.

I did not feel good about myself either thinking that it was my fault!

THAT I resented about him, to have kept quiet and make me feel (with his silent) that it was my fault! That was malicious in my views and also cruel! It was a way of manipulating the situations and prolonging/ dragging that inevitable outcome!

In reality, he just could not do it, neither enjoyed it, neither wanted it. He felt it was a taboo of some type or actually might have felt rejection toward it all.

He had social phobia for what I can tell, and some little ocd as well....... For what I can tell, and after a great deal of reading and also education myself about it; he just thought of the act of making love as dirty!

I know that some people with ocd might panic with the thought of exchanging body fluids, even a kiss! Others, could find it hard to stop wanting to have sex or make love; or a combination of both.

Yeap, I am the one who is supposed to have AS or traits, or whatever. In reality it does not matter as the type of AS I have must definitely is not one of lack intimacy! or lack of social "skills", or lack of reasoning or of sympathizing. I am able to do all of that and many times in a higher degree than a lot of people.

We, AS people or people with the traits were not created equal....... so what some of the AS guys or gals might have is not the same as what others have who are also in the spectrum.

-------

About stimmin and wanting to change things around the house, or using mechanics (fixing cars or building one, or doing projects around the house or gardening, or, or, or, or).

Understanding of how we might behave sometimes might help you see what is going on in some of our minds or life....... Instead of words, we "act" the way we feel.

If we feel anxious, we might clean, we might pace while talking to others, we might

rearrange something, even change a room. We might put things in order.

If we feel depressed, we might withdraw, and some of us do so as well when we feel hurt or confused which is the same as feeling scared or unsafe "for some of us".

If some of us feel angry, we might become withdraw and retrieve to our safe place or we might become upset and talk loud. We might also feel shaky or feel sick to ur stomach, we might also feel rejected and then say: It might be better I go away!

If we feel we are not good enough or we cannot measure up, then we can become distant or very withdrawn and then feel it is best for us to move on.

Other times we might just be too hyper,specially if immediate control of what is around us is needed. In my case, I can control how I put things in the house, or organize the house....... I can even pressure wash my drive way and that will be away of me coping with what is going in my mind and life.

Alright, here I go....... A little background.......

We did not have choices when growing up, dad pointed us the way, and his ways are just fine with me. Strict views and ways, but they are based on "principles" and principles do not change.

I was raised in El Salvador, and we see some stuff, including man in a much different light that a lot of people do here. Usually the man is the head of the household.

In my case, that is even stronger as I and my siblings were raised mostly in my dad's environment, versus mother's environment and way of living.

Reactions of changes in life structure or routine!

When My sister came to study to the USA, we went to drop her off at the airport....... On the way back to the house, my father got severe pain, and that was his ay of showing how much he was stressing out for my sister to come to a Country known for having such "open mind" for things of sex, and choices and all that type of stuff.

My dad ordered that one of the rooms to be changed in the way it looked. He also started to work on a truck with and did many mechanical things as a way to express his feelings of being out of control. His daughter was coming to a country where too much freedom was already in place. He only hoped that what he taugh us, lived in us and we behaved correctly and did not let the world outside influence us in any ways shape or form.

He was stimmin in a way when he did new projects, he needed control. That was his way of expressing his concern about the change that was occurring, one daughter rout in another country. How would he protect her, how would he check on her, how will he make sure she was safe and also eating right and studying? How could he prevent anything form happening to her and the influence of the outside world, when he was not there in charge.

He tried hard to prevent a lot, and he decided that she was to be in a religious private college, where nuns were present. That is as much as he could control....... The rest was just a hope that whatever he taught us, was imprinted in sister and that she will do the right things.

Dad was not a mechanic, and he was clumsy; but he did great when it came to invent or create new things, and his mind got occupied and he found "a way to cope"

Dad was an awesome guy, and mother was practically none existent.

While I heard others making comment about dad's projects and how demanding or whatever he was....... I understood exactly how he felt; but wondered why others were being selfish and think that about him. He provided, he gave so much....... He was an AS dad!

In his carrier, he excelled and went beyond and above what any other man of his time would have ever even "thought" of doing. He was a man of vision; a man of work; he belonged to science, to society (he was an MD and surgeon) he belong to technology and progress BEFORE he belonged to us. That was his calling, but in all of that, I feel "blessed" that I was blessed of understanding him, and of so dearly loving him.

So I learned to read him, to read his emotions and to figure out what he needed....... I knew that is what he was doing because I felt the same way. I had to stimm, to let some of the energy which felt like anguish in me out. I counted in my head, I put in order some stuff, I would also align things....... It was bad then, not quite strong now....... Yet hat is how I coped.

When we had to go on vacation, or get back in school, all those things happened. If there was a change in which dad or I needed control and we had limited control to it....... It was going to doing things like the one I described. I do not know if dad ever realized that, I supposed not. But I knew that he did things sometimes at the same time I did them.......

So I supposed that he felt like me then. I did not put a name to it all until much later in life, now I am able to recognize this stuff and try to do my best to control them better.

I worried to death knowing she was going away....... I wondered who will take care of her if she got sick (I as not there to help her) I wondered who will make sure she locked the door to her room (I as not there) Who could make her a cheese sandwich in the middle of the night if she got up hungry (I was not there). See, even when she was a mean sister, I still cared that she was alright....... I still wanted her to be safe and have always wanted to be happy

........ And for dad, his daughter was away, and he felt responsible for her, she was still young and in college FAR from home!

If she got sick, who will prescribe for her the medication, and will it be the right one?

If she needed dad, how would she reach out to him? If she was in danger, who will defend her and protect her?

All that made us stimm, and made us wanting to have control....... And in what we can immediately do is a way of feeling a little bit of control!

Same happens when there could be stress due to marital disagreement, and NOT harmony in the house.

Dad was a good guy, responsible and a great provider....... He was also happy doing so; he loved us in his own way. Out of responsibility, out of him being our single dad. (I said single as mother was as if she did not exist), yet he was there for us, in all aspects of life.

Yes, dad was powerful as a human being, and he as strict! BUT his heart melt like butter, by just hearing us saying "Daaaaaaaad"

We did not have choices, dad pointed us to the way, and his ways are just fine with me. Strict views and ways, but they are based on "principles" and principles do not change.

I was raised in El Salvador, and we see some stuff, including man in a much different light that a lot of people do here.

In my case, that is even stronger as I and my siblings were raised mostly in the way dad saw the world and his ways.

I do not see mother as Martyr, even when many could have said that. I see her as someone who brought down her home with her own hands....... All she needed to do was to understand the dynamics of dad's responses to the world, and she could have been able to cope and also to have a harmonious and peaceful house.

All I am trying to is to express how dad reacted under some similar circumstances and the reasons why he did it.

Perhaps observing your husband and the increase or decrease of this things might be a way of figuring out his needs as he might need reassurance that his child will be alright and that things will be fine at the end.

I am not a psychologist, neither I am intending to say more than what I experienced.

I hope that this help shed some light....... If you could talk to him after you both are having some "together quiet time", you might want to tell him how you feel about your son going to college and see if he says he feels the same way. Then he might need your reassurance that his child will be safe and that it is all part of life.......

I wish you both the best and I do agree with you, it is hard to figure out how to help someone whose thoughts do not have a voice!

I communicated with dad in silent at times, as I felt a lot like he did....... At times words were not needed.

He is the one person I could relate without much trouble, it was easy to communicate with him, I felt comfortable with dad in specific situations! and most of the time....... I could relate and I could tell how he felt, even when he did not know how to put it in words. I learned to read him through me, so there were no need of word for me to know how he felt, needed or wished for the most part!

May God bless you and your family,

. Who is happy you are back!

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