Re: New Member Introducing Herself & Her Story

[Guest guest]

I realise now that apsychology degree, reading some books and working with ASD childrendoes not alone qualify me in being able to cope in an AS relationship

This is my take on all the above:

God does not chooses the qualified, He qualifies the chosen!

You will be given the tools to help each other, specially if you have AS traits.......

But first, Welcome to the list Chloe! I am a female with AS or strong AS traits, or

someplace in the spectrum....... Today, I do no longer know! I am emotionally drained.......

Long story, but anyhow, Welcome to the group!

Chloe, A is a very blessed man....... If someone felt toward me the way you feel for A, I will be compromising in a heart bit!

So why do not you ask A how he feels about you? and if there is a future for both of you together.

I like a guy dearly, have liked him for a very long time. Yet if he is not interested in me, or let me know he is....... How could I know it?

See? He might e dying to hear form you, to hear the way you feel. Has it occur to you that someone else might come if you wait too long and take A from you?

If A went thought a nervous break down he is going to be weary of any type of rejection, and he might feel claustrophobic about getting close to someone risking being hurt!

I read your post once, and I am not in the frame of mind right now to analyze anything.

I am having myself some issues with this darn nosey mind of mind that wishes to have an explanation for everything I feel and why?!

Actually it is called the darn truth of things which is one of my biggest problems.......

Anyhow, ask him, he might have the answer you are looking for ;-)

If he loves you, you know he is dying for you to ask....... Yet, it might take him time to want to trust, specially if you have said not to him and he is still hurt! He is human, so be patient and compassionate, and if you are in love with him as you seem to be....... Then you will wait a little longer.......

chloe_jones_1985@... writes:

He's caring, kind, funny and just absolutely lovely. I amlucky to have someone so fantastic. The AS has its good points aswell. He's loyal and, in a sense, pure. What you see is what you get.There is no ulterior motive. And love is such an abstract concept,so subjective. Some people think you should know when you're in love,others disagree. I'm not sure. But if I've been feeling thisclaustrophobic for so long, maybe I just haven't felt the feelingsthat most would associate with being in love, i.e., the excitement,but maybe it is still there, or at least, could come back?

I love the way you describe him, he must definitely a very unique person....... He seems to have a heart of Gold.......

It seems to me that you loved before and you are or might be skeptical to risk or take a chance. It is as if you thought you have closed the doors to loving again, or are you just referring to A and how things were in the past?

I will try to read your mail tomorrow again, and see if I have misunderstood it today, I am not my self right now, but am forcing myself to try to concentrate and focus again....... I do not like the feeling of floating, and that is how it feels when I am in a daze....... It does not feels real, and I just terribly dislike it!

I am glad thought that you are truly in love with A.

Drinking is not good for the liver....... even if it might be for the soul....... And I am glad A has improved that greatly.......

In the GNC stores they sell something called liver repair or healthy liver or something with liver as part of the name of the supplement....... You might want to get some of that, and give it to him. It help the liver and even if someone does not drink, it is still good to take some for a period of time.

The liver allegedly renews itself every so often....... I do not want to think right now of the details....... But anyhow, A will keep his liver healthier if he helps it a little bit......

I do not drink, but will look into it ( the liver stuff for me to take one of this days)

I actually saw it today at the store....... I needed some vitamin B for my nervous system as it is getting weaker due to stress I am going through for thinking too much.......

Having AS is a big pain in the butt at times!....... See what stress does? If it is not the liver, it is the nervous system! Or the digestive track or who knows what else! Go figure!

.......

Life should be easier. So should your homepage. Try the NEW AOL.com.

[Guest guest]

Chloe,

You don't mention what you are bringing into the relationship? You said you like men who are unstable because you find it exciting. That means you have some reason for that internally. I find you refreshingly honest in terms of admitting you saw issues to begin with. What I'm wondering is part of your claustrophobia might have to do with your own thinkings and not his behaviors though space boundary in any relationship are good to have. Ask yourself WHY do you like men who are unstable? WHY do you seek excitement? The fact that you seek excitement in the relationship might well make you react to his wish for security and closeness with feelings of claustrophobia.

Just a thought,

Jennie AS

[Guest guest]

Hi Chloe. Welcome to the group. My name is e. Both my husband (Usarian, AS) and I post to the group using the same e-mail address so it can be a little confusing( until you get to know us and then there is no question at all who is posting because we are so--o different).

Your story is very, very similar to ours. We met in college, had a very intense dating relationship. I felt closed in even then and almost called off the wedding three weeks before but by that time felt it was too late. Our relationship has gotten a whole lot better since we found out he is AS ( I had to learn to communicate with him differently and he had to learn many social and coping skills). Honestly since we have found Aspires our relationship has improved even more. It helps to have people who understand. It took us a lot of very hard years to get to where we are. Usarian was very, very clingy and emotionally needy for the first eight years of our marriage. It made me view him as another child and I really did not want any intimacy at all with him (when one partner is in the nurturing mode all the time with the other it is NOT healthy).

You guys have a lot more going for you than we did. You know he is AS already. You have experience in communicating with AS. You are recognizing the unhealthy parts of your relationship now as opposed to after the wedding and kids.

I think if I were in your shoes, I would slow things down and work on breaking the unhealthy codependency tendencies and then see where to go from there. If this truly is the love of your life you will find a healthy way to make it work. You are young and have the time and energy to put into it. No relationship is perfect but with the right attention from both partners you can make it work. Just my two cents.

e

From: chloe_jones_1985

Sent: Monday, December 01, 2008 11:36 AM

To: aspires-relationships

Subject: New Member Introducing Herself & Her Story

Hi all,I joined this group because I've been in a relationship with a man(let's call him A) with Asperger's Syndrome for nearly 3 and a halfyears. We have been having difficulties and as a result we arecurrently "on a break". This is my story...I first met A when I was in my second year of uni (he had only juststarted). I didn't really know him very well and had a briefrelationship with his friend. I only really started speaking properlyto A when I'd broken up with his friend.I remember our first in-depth conversation. I was still cut-up aboutthe friend but A was very comforting and just seemed to understand me.He was very supportive. He admitted that he had feelings for me, butat the time I wasn't ready for anything so we only saw each other atsocial events (we were both members of the rock music society). After a few months I got myself together and realised that I did havefeelings for A but wanted to take things slowly. I found out hise-mail address and we swapped numbers and had our first kiss (and afew more!) on a night out.The relationship was very intense after that. Of course, it was new,exciting and passionate and we wanted to see each other all the time.He told me he loved me quite early on though, which seemed a bit toointense for me and I started to wonder if I felt the same.A told me from the beginning that he had a childhood diagnosis ofADHD. A few months after we got together he was reassessed and givena new diagnosis of AS. I felt okay about this, as my brother hassuspected AS. I did a psychology degree at uni and my mum had plentyof books about AS, so I felt "in-the-know" and therefore equipped todeal with it. If I'm honest, I also feel that I have AS traits, socould relate to it on some level. For example, I have read accountsabout how AS children "learnt" social skills rather than it comingnaturally, and I felt very much that I spent my secondary school life"learning" social skills too.A had a lot of emotional problems when we first got together. He wasseeing a counsellor to help him with his anxiety and depression, andhe was also drinking heavily, at times dangerous amounts. I have toadmit, at first I found it exciting. I've always been attracted tomen who haven't been particularly emotionally stable. I guess I'vealways liked the idea of being able to look after them, and that thenotion of going out with someone "normal" was just a bit dull.Over time A got a lot more stable. His drinking reduced a lot and hewas generally more happier, and the main reason, he said, was me. Ifound it heart-warming and I was happy.A continued, however, to be needy. If I'm honest, early on in therelationship I had doubts as to my feelings for him and therelationship. He was so intense, so clingy, he never saw me as muchas he wanted and there was always something he was worried or stressedabout. I often felt worried and stressed about various things myself- my degree, then job-hunting and making career choices etc. Whereashe wanted to spend so much time with me, I felt I needed more space,more time to myself to just focus on me.He was a good listener when I told him about my problems, but itdidn't detract from his problems and his need for me. I realised therelationship wasn't as exciting as it was before. I liked spendingtime with him, but at the same time I started to resent him for takingup so much of my time. I was feeling claustrophobic. If I didn'tmiss him when he wasn't around and I didn't feel that flutter ofexcitement when I was with him, did I really love him?A graduated from uni this summer, then he spent a few months lookingfor a job, found one and then had a lot of trouble concerning hishouse situation. One house mate, who he didn't like, left suddenly,and the landlord put pressure on A and the remaining house mate tofind a replacement. A didn't like the house anyway, or the landlord,but felt a bit stuck. I was always honest with him about the livingsituation - I wasn't ready to live with him and I was happy livingwith my friends for the moment. He got a new house mate in the end,but doesn't get on with him either. It's been one thing afteranother, exam and just general degree stress, job-hunting stress etc.So much that although I had these doubts about the relationship, Iconstantly pushed them to the back of my mind and didn't address them.......Until last Sunday. A and I were staying at his parents' house overthe weekend as it was A's birthday on the Monday. His parents havealways been very hospitable and welcoming, and made me feel like apart of the family from very early on.However, his mother made a comment about someone she knew staying withthe man she was with because "she likes him as a friend and she likesthe security, but she doesn't love him and is scared to break up withhim as he's had a breakdown before. But he'll get over it". Suddenlysomething about this wrung true. I had a feeling of dread and deepsadness. It was a very uncomfortable, trapped feeling, which I had totry to hide. I wasn't feeling in great physical health anyway - we'dbeen eating and drinking a lot, to managed to say that I was justfeeling tired and a bit sick, which I was. But I felt so sad and tearful.When A and I got back to our homes, I had a very long chat with myhouse mate and close friend, and eventually I concluded that I justdidn't love him and must end the relationship. I went round to his,and explained about the doubts and that I just felt that it wasn'tworking out. I said that I didn't see us moving in together next yr,as we'd discussed, or getting married and having kids - this wholelife he had mapped out for us. He was shocked and devastated and sowas I. I'd shocked myself, in all honesty. When I got home I feltrelieved that I didn't have to pretend that everything was ok anymore, but I felt an overwhelming, deep, heavy sadness.I felt no better on Monday or Tuesday, having to take time off work. On Tues night, he spoke to me on facebook (of all places!), initiallyabout giving each other our things back, but then we talked aboutmaybe reviewing the situation in a couple of weeks. This made me feela lot calmer. He pointed out that maybe I just needed space to misshim. He suggested that if, and admitted it was a big if, we got backtogether that we could just see each other once a week, and go on aproper date. It seemed like a good idea and I felt instantly calm. Ihadn't made this big decision to end things any more, I'd made adecision to take a step back and have a real think.On Wed and Thur I felt a bit calmer. Still tearful, but not as bad asI'd felt on Mon and Tue. I even did a bit of career research on Wed.I did acknowledge that I needed more "me" time. On Fri I returned towork, but it was a struggle and there were times when I had to fightback tears.I have an interest in counselling psychology and, as a requirement toget onto the course, candidates have to go for counselling themselves.As a result, I've had a few sessions with a counsellor. I saw heryesterday and emptied my heart to her. A couple of things becameclear. Firstly, that I absolutely adore A. I care for him so much. I hated myself for ending it with him and the thought of my lifewithout him made me an emotional wreck. I wasn't eating or sleepingand I constantly felt depressed, sick and tired. The other thing thatbecame apparent is the amount of energy I'd put into the relationshipand how I'd always put him first, and never myself. Space isimportant to me. At this stage in my life, I have a lot ofuncertainties. I have some career decisions to make, courses to applyto, driving lessons etc, and I really don't know where I'll be in acouple of years' time. I have a tiring, low-paid job which I don'tenjoy at the moment and in the new year am planning to look forsomething higher paid and more career-relevant. I spend most of mytime in my room, either with A or without A. I don't have much moneyto go out, and when I'm not with A I need time to myself, so I hardlysee my friends. On Fri night I did drag myself to the pub with myhouse mates and felt better for it - it made me realise that I missgoing out and seeing my friends and I'm currently tired, bored andstuck in a rut.I realise that the intensity and demands of the relationship, inconjunction with external factors, have worn me out. My counsellorsays I need more "me" time and that it sounds like I love A to pieces.I'm therefore asking myself, do we have a future?I really want to give things another go. A is a wonderful man, hereally is. He's caring, kind, funny and just absolutely lovely. I amlucky to have someone so fantastic. The AS has its good points aswell. He's loyal and, in a sense, pure. What you see is what you get.There is no ulterior motive. And love is such an abstract concept,so subjective. Some people think you should know when you're in love,others disagree. I'm not sure. But if I've been feeling thisclaustrophobic for so long, maybe I just haven't felt the feelingsthat most would associate with being in love, i.e., the excitement,but maybe it is still there, or at least, could come back? The point is, I would like to give it another go. What I'm askingmyself is whether this is for the right reasons. A and I had a veryclose relationship, very strong and, despite this, I think quite open.I felt safe and secure with him. Is it this that I'll miss, or is itA himself? I do miss A himself, but I have to admit, I have also madethe most of the space I've had since sun. Which could of course, meanthat this is the main issue, and if we established the spaceboundaries, the relationship would work. Will I ever really knowunless I try to give it another go?I realise that this would not be easy. I realise he would find givingme space quite difficult, so there would have to be some sort ofcompromising. We'd have to set clear boundaries and be consistent andcompletely open and honest with each other. I realise now that apsychology degree, reading some books and working with ASD childrendoes not alone qualify me in being able to cope in an AS relationship.The main reason why I joined this group. I need to speak to peoplein a similar situation to me. So please, I guess what I'm trying tosay is do any of you have any thoughts about my situation? Have anyof you been in a similar situation? Do you have any coping strategiesthat you could share? I know this is ultimately for me to decide, butdo you think there could be a future for A and I? Or am I justkidding myself because I can't let go of a man I adore?

[Guest guest]

Hello all,

Just thought I would update this thread about ( " A " ... I'm not

sure why I felt the need for him to remain anonymous, considering I

doubt any of you would know him anyway!) and I. On Sunday night we

met up and decided to give things another go.

The two-week break that we had proved useful for both of us, although

I do regret that initially it was a clean break (i.e., I broke up with

). The time apart made us both think, and I realised that I do

see a future for and I, I love him and that if we're just open

and honest with each other we should be okay.

We had a very long talk on sunday night. We'd both written down our

thoughts and feelings about the relationship and shared them. We were

both calm and listened to each other and it was lovely. Although the

sharing written ideas was a bit like making a business plan, it did

help to specify the problems in the relationship and how we can work

through them.

Thank you to all of you who offered your thoughts/advice on the

matter. I'll continue to use this message-board as I feel it's

helped, and will continue to help. In the time apart, has

also joined a message-board for people with AS. We have both agreed

to approach our local branch of the National Autistic Society and see

what other help/support we can get. I'd like to see if there are any

local social groups or meetings for couples where one partner has AS,

just to meet other people in my situation in real life. We are also

considering counselling. I think one session a month or something

would be beneficial, I don't think we'd need to see one every week.

has also joined the gym, which I think will help his mental

health (i.e., stress relief) as well as physical health. I've decided

to take up swimming again (I did go regularly but then stopped as I

have a few money worries at the moment. However, for a few quid a

week I now think it'll be worth it. It'll be good for my physical and

mental health too!). and I have agreed to take things slowly

for now, so we're only seeing each other twice a week, and I'm taking

time to concentrate on my career and seeing my friends a bit more,

plus of course, having quality time to myself. I think the space will

also help to be less dependent on me and concentrate on

outside interests too.

So there in a nutshell, is how we intend to save the relationship.

I'll admit that I am a bit worried as I know it's not going to be

easy, but I'm feeling calmer and more positive now.

Thanks again for all your help and support guys.

I have noticed that there are a lot of other threads that I'd like to

reply to, so I will in due course. I'm really glad that I joined this

group, I've met some fantastic people and had some great advice.

Chloe

[Guest guest]

Chloe,

Glad to hear things are going well for you.

I

am also glad you've decided to stay active in our group.

Happy Holidays.

e

From: chloe_jones_1985

Sent: Tuesday, December 09, 2008 4:38 PM

To: aspires-relationships@ya

hoogroups.com

Subject: Re: New Member Introducing

Herself

& Her Story

Hello all,Just thought I would update this thread about

("A"... I'm notsure why I felt the need for him to remain anonymous,

considering Idoubt any of you would know him anyway!) and I. On Sunday

night

wemet up and decided to give things another go.The two-week

break

that we had proved useful for both of us, althoughI do regret that

initially

it was a clean break (i.e., I broke up with). The time apart made

us

both think, and I realised that I dosee a future for and I, I

love

him and that if we're just openand honest with each other we should be

okay.We had a very long talk on sunday night. We'd both written down

ourthoughts and feelings about the relationship and shared them. We

wereboth calm and listened to each other and it was lovely. Although

thesharing written ideas was a bit like making a business plan, it

didhelp to specify the problems in the relationship and how we can

workthrough them.Thank you to all of you who offered your

thoughts/advice on thematter. I'll continue to use this message-board as

I

feel it'shelped, and will continue to help. In the time apart,

hasalso joined a message-board for people with AS. We have both

agreedto

approach our local branch of the National Autistic Society and seewhat

other

help/support we can get. I'd like to see if there are anylocal social

groups

or meetings for couples where one partner has AS,just to meet other

people

in my situation in real life. We are alsoconsidering counselling. I

think

one session a month or somethingwould be beneficial, I don't think we'd

need

to see one every week. has also joined the gym, which I think

will

help his mentalhealth (i.e., stress relief) as well as physical health.

I've

decidedto take up swimming again (I did go regularly but then stopped as

Ihave a few money worries at the moment. However, for a few quid

aweek I

now think it'll be worth it. It'll be good for my physical andmental

health

too!). and I have agreed to take things slowlyfor now, so we're

only

seeing each other twice a week, and I'm takingtime to concentrate on my

career and seeing my friends a bit more,plus of course, having quality

time

to myself. I think the space willalso help to be less dependent

on

me and concentrate onoutside interests too.So there in a

nutshell,

is how we intend to save the relationship. I'll admit that I am a bit

worried as I know it's not going to beeasy, but I'm feeling calmer and

more

positive now.Thanks again for all your help and support

guys.I

have noticed that there are a lot of other threads that I'd like toreply

to,

so I will in due course. I'm really glad that I joined thisgroup, I've

met

some fantastic people and had some great

advice.Chloe