Coping Stragedies-- Need Input- Advise.......

[Guest guest]

Hi,

Today I feel like an angel with a broken wing, like I felt most days when little and few years ago when I moved on from ex.

This past month, has been a trying one for me. I tried to help a couple of people who had the same troubles I seem to have had in the past.

While helping them I kept tough and continued to be tough through it all. I was very honest and also realistic as to be able to help and not just sympathize. I was able to manage my own emotions, my own memories of the past.

On Thursday, I started to feel anguish as if something was happening, but I could not figure out. I used to feel those things with dad, if he was sad, I felt it as well, before I even knew he was sad. It was like that all the time, we had an strong emotional relationship, even from afar! Miles, or countries of distancing did never weakened or diminished this feelings of sensing him. It was the bonding of two very strong AS people who dearly loved each other, even when we had our own differences, our love was extreme and unique.

I felt his pain, emotional and at times we both would get physically sick a the same time, even when were where in two different towns or countries.

Once I called him and told him I had a terrible pain on my right shoulder after having drank some red wine and eaten fruit. At the time I was talking to him, he was also applying a heating pad to his right shoulder. He had also had wine and fruit and was having the same pain as mine. We were so bonded, it was too much at times!

Sometimes when we could not express our emotions, we got sick to our stomachs or just felt drained! Just like I am feeling today. This morning, about 2:00 AM I got up with anguish, with this feelings of something going on and I am not sure what it is.

I remembered things from my childhood, the sufferings my dad had to go through.

His sufferings were mine, and they hurt like they did with no one else. I felt them all over again today.

I also felt the pain again when I had to move forward due to a betrayal of trust I had to endure. My inability of not having able to see the truth and how being this naive hurt me.

All of it came down on me this morning. Some of the AS people know what I am trying to say.

When I remember it all, not just with my mind, but my body feels.

I feel the anguish I felt then, I feel the emotional pain, I feel the same way my body felt. I can even put an scent to every situation I had as I remember how the air smelled them.

I can even feel the season in which things were happening.......

The video in my mind plays it all over again.

I knew I would have to face this sometime soon as I have been remembering and thinking for over a month now....... It has not been easy.

Yet I hoped that somehow someone does not feels alone in their journey, in their dilemma about dealing with someone in the spectrum. Hoping for them to see that what they have gone through is also something some of us in the spectrum have also gone through (with someone NT or AS)

The irony of all of what I am going through right now is that If it was someone else asking for advise or ways to cope, I would be giving the advise. I would have an idea how they could cope, but when it comes to me I just can't give me advise. It is as if I am able to do this things for others, but not for me. It is like when I was little, I could not defend myself, I was bullied to the max. Yet if someone was being bullied, the lioness in me came out and I would defend anyone, specially the underdog.

Is there anyone here who could tell me how they cope when you get stuck in feeling like in a daze? I am even achy, and I went to work today by forcing me to go there. I almost called out and I do not usually do that!

Tomorrow and Wednesday I was picked out to go to a new account....... I have what it takes to make the process a success.

It was very hard for me to concentrate today, I was just doing things automatically. While I was doing things, I was thinking, and feeling. My mind was not there, I was not focusing, but I pull through. I have to be alright tomorrow, and I cannot call out, they are counting on me. I think I will be better tomorrow, but the thought have almost taken a tool on me today.

My mind is an strong one, and I know I will have to wait until the weekend to plummet and let go. Yet I do not want to think anymore about any of this.......

I wonder why we have to have such powerful minds, and at times a body who takes the emotional hits hard as well. Why not remember WITHOUT the emotions, just remember in WORDS and not in PICTURES! Why the video that plays in my mind, that is so vivid....... It is all there, even when I remember about my brother being hurt....... I also remember the anguish I felt all over again.

How could I learn to think in words? How could I learn to only remember a situation without feeling the emotions? As time has gone by, this has diminished, but when it comes to dad and remembering him, my heart physically hurts. At times it is as he and I were twins.......

Anyhow, I am feeling better already, just by writing about it.......

, who might have some Irish Cream tonight after coming back from the post office and mail my package....... That makes me happy....... I mail it in the automatic stuff they have in there....... I am sending a package to one very special friend....... doing that, cheers me up!

Hope the mail makes some sense sine I am not revising it,

:-/

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