Re: Care-giver for mother-in-law

[Guest guest]

Hi Sherry,

Thanks for your care and concern -- ours is extended to you, too!

I personally do feel kind of backed into a corner. I know they love Joyce

and want to see her happy (and they think she will be that at home, despite

the fact that past experience does not confirm that -- she has never really

been happy that I can remember in over 20 years; it is a foreign experience for

her, and that is heart breaking. She doesn't even understand happiness

around here -- when she is with us as a family and we are happy -- which, thank

the Lord, we usually are - it makes her actively anxious and increases her

hostility towards us), so they want to do whatever it is that she says will

make her happy. Unfortunately, we all know that with LBD her own judgment

isn't the best. You're so right that they don't know because they haven't

lived

with it day in and day out...even though they have some experiences with it,

they really don't comprehend. You have to live with it, I'm beginning to

see, in order to comprehend.

Thanks for your words about teaching the children. It is our hope that they

will learn only good things from this, and that it will not color their view

of the world. Thankfully, they have really warm relationships with my

parents. It is just unfortunate that my parents live 1500 miles away! Never

the

less, my kids are blessed through them.

You know, it is the hardest thing to do, to show active and effective Love

to someone who can't return it, and actually spurns it. My hope and prayer is

that showing the Love does matter though, and does reach them some how,

some, time,and that my MIL, in God's Providence, will come through all of this

to

new life and joy. What's so hard is that this all happens at some unseen

level, but I continue on in the hopeful conviction that it is there.

In a message dated 4/28/2008 12:34:45 A.M. Central Daylight Time,

chiaowl@... writes:

Kate my heart breaks for you, it sounds as if you MIL's family has you

backed into a corner...but don't let them do that to you. They don't know,

through no fault of their own, what it's like, what LBD is, what you and

your husband have been dealing with. Think about the value of teaching

your children valuable lessons on when to recognize our limits - sometimes

so many women have a problem with these days - and that they are your

priority. You can continue to oversee MIL's care if it fits, and show them

lessons in compassion and dedication to family, of course...but the

day-in-day-out reality of what you've been doing is taking away from your #1

job, which is to bring those precious blessings into adulthood. That's a

full-time job in itself, and there are no second chances - this is it.

I'm myself just learning that life in a NH is one of possibilities, not an

end of life but a change, and an invitation to help from experts and people

who can help your MIL in ways that you can't.

My heart goes out to you and to your family. Those who aren't involved

can't vote since they don't have the facts or the experience. It is time to

release yourself and your family to a different level of relationship with

her, one that may surprisingly be a better one.

(I could say a lot about " stuff " and its importance to people like your MIL

and my mom - in fact I did, yesterday - but my first concern is for you

right now, you sound so frazzled and tired!)

God bless you young mom, please follow your heart .

Kate Deddens

" To be Queen within a definite area, deciding sales, banquets,

labors, and holidays; to be Whitely within a certain area, providing toys,

boots, cakes, and books; to be Aristotle within a certain area, teaching

morals,

manners, theology and hygiene; I can understand how this might exhaust the

mind, but I cannot imagine how it could narrow it. How can it be a large career

to tell other people's children about the Rule of Three, and a small career

to tell one's own children about the universe? How can it be broad to be the

same thing to everyone and narrow to be everything to someone? No, a woman's

function is laborious, but because it is gigantic, not because it is minute. "

-G.K. Chesterton, What's Wrong with the World

" The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your

hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. " --Phil. 4:7

" When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows

roll; whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,

'It is well, it is well with my soul'. "

--Horatio G. Spafford, 1873

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