New Member Introducing Herself & Her Story

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

I joined this group because I've been in a relationship with a man

(let's call him A) with Asperger's Syndrome for nearly 3 and a half

years. We have been having difficulties and as a result we are

currently " on a break " . This is my story...

I first met A when I was in my second year of uni (he had only just

started). I didn't really know him very well and had a brief

relationship with his friend. I only really started speaking properly

to A when I'd broken up with his friend.

I remember our first in-depth conversation. I was still cut-up about

the friend but A was very comforting and just seemed to understand me.

He was very supportive. He admitted that he had feelings for me, but

at the time I wasn't ready for anything so we only saw each other at

social events (we were both members of the rock music society).

After a few months I got myself together and realised that I did have

feelings for A but wanted to take things slowly. I found out his

e-mail address and we swapped numbers and had our first kiss (and a

few more!) on a night out.

The relationship was very intense after that. Of course, it was new,

exciting and passionate and we wanted to see each other all the time.

He told me he loved me quite early on though, which seemed a bit too

intense for me and I started to wonder if I felt the same.

A told me from the beginning that he had a childhood diagnosis of

ADHD. A few months after we got together he was reassessed and given

a new diagnosis of AS. I felt okay about this, as my brother has

suspected AS. I did a psychology degree at uni and my mum had plenty

of books about AS, so I felt " in-the-know " and therefore equipped to

deal with it. If I'm honest, I also feel that I have AS traits, so

could relate to it on some level. For example, I have read accounts

about how AS children " learnt " social skills rather than it coming

naturally, and I felt very much that I spent my secondary school life

" learning " social skills too.

A had a lot of emotional problems when we first got together. He was

seeing a counsellor to help him with his anxiety and depression, and

he was also drinking heavily, at times dangerous amounts. I have to

admit, at first I found it exciting. I've always been attracted to

men who haven't been particularly emotionally stable. I guess I've

always liked the idea of being able to look after them, and that the

notion of going out with someone " normal " was just a bit dull.

Over time A got a lot more stable. His drinking reduced a lot and he

was generally more happier, and the main reason, he said, was me. I

found it heart-warming and I was happy.

A continued, however, to be needy. If I'm honest, early on in the

relationship I had doubts as to my feelings for him and the

relationship. He was so intense, so clingy, he never saw me as much

as he wanted and there was always something he was worried or stressed

about. I often felt worried and stressed about various things myself

- my degree, then job-hunting and making career choices etc. Whereas

he wanted to spend so much time with me, I felt I needed more space,

more time to myself to just focus on me.

He was a good listener when I told him about my problems, but it

didn't detract from his problems and his need for me. I realised the

relationship wasn't as exciting as it was before. I liked spending

time with him, but at the same time I started to resent him for taking

up so much of my time. I was feeling claustrophobic. If I didn't

miss him when he wasn't around and I didn't feel that flutter of

excitement when I was with him, did I really love him?

A graduated from uni this summer, then he spent a few months looking

for a job, found one and then had a lot of trouble concerning his

house situation. One house mate, who he didn't like, left suddenly,

and the landlord put pressure on A and the remaining house mate to

find a replacement. A didn't like the house anyway, or the landlord,

but felt a bit stuck. I was always honest with him about the living

situation - I wasn't ready to live with him and I was happy living

with my friends for the moment. He got a new house mate in the end,

but doesn't get on with him either. It's been one thing after

another, exam and just general degree stress, job-hunting stress etc.

So much that although I had these doubts about the relationship, I

constantly pushed them to the back of my mind and didn't address them...

....Until last Sunday. A and I were staying at his parents' house over

the weekend as it was A's birthday on the Monday. His parents have

always been very hospitable and welcoming, and made me feel like a

part of the family from very early on.

However, his mother made a comment about someone she knew staying with

the man she was with because " she likes him as a friend and she likes

the security, but she doesn't love him and is scared to break up with

him as he's had a breakdown before. But he'll get over it " . Suddenly

something about this wrung true. I had a feeling of dread and deep

sadness. It was a very uncomfortable, trapped feeling, which I had to

try to hide. I wasn't feeling in great physical health anyway - we'd

been eating and drinking a lot, to managed to say that I was just

feeling tired and a bit sick, which I was. But I felt so sad and tearful.

When A and I got back to our homes, I had a very long chat with my

house mate and close friend, and eventually I concluded that I just

didn't love him and must end the relationship. I went round to his,

and explained about the doubts and that I just felt that it wasn't

working out. I said that I didn't see us moving in together next yr,

as we'd discussed, or getting married and having kids - this whole

life he had mapped out for us. He was shocked and devastated and so

was I. I'd shocked myself, in all honesty. When I got home I felt

relieved that I didn't have to pretend that everything was ok any

more, but I felt an overwhelming, deep, heavy sadness.

I felt no better on Monday or Tuesday, having to take time off work.

On Tues night, he spoke to me on facebook (of all places!), initially

about giving each other our things back, but then we talked about

maybe reviewing the situation in a couple of weeks. This made me feel

a lot calmer. He pointed out that maybe I just needed space to miss

him. He suggested that if, and admitted it was a big if, we got back

together that we could just see each other once a week, and go on a

proper date. It seemed like a good idea and I felt instantly calm. I

hadn't made this big decision to end things any more, I'd made a

decision to take a step back and have a real think.

On Wed and Thur I felt a bit calmer. Still tearful, but not as bad as

I'd felt on Mon and Tue. I even did a bit of career research on Wed.

I did acknowledge that I needed more " me " time. On Fri I returned to

work, but it was a struggle and there were times when I had to fight

back tears.

I have an interest in counselling psychology and, as a requirement to

get onto the course, candidates have to go for counselling themselves.

As a result, I've had a few sessions with a counsellor. I saw her

yesterday and emptied my heart to her. A couple of things became

clear. Firstly, that I absolutely adore A. I care for him so much.

I hated myself for ending it with him and the thought of my life

without him made me an emotional wreck. I wasn't eating or sleeping

and I constantly felt depressed, sick and tired. The other thing that

became apparent is the amount of energy I'd put into the relationship

and how I'd always put him first, and never myself. Space is

important to me. At this stage in my life, I have a lot of

uncertainties. I have some career decisions to make, courses to apply

to, driving lessons etc, and I really don't know where I'll be in a

couple of years' time. I have a tiring, low-paid job which I don't

enjoy at the moment and in the new year am planning to look for

something higher paid and more career-relevant. I spend most of my

time in my room, either with A or without A. I don't have much money

to go out, and when I'm not with A I need time to myself, so I hardly

see my friends. On Fri night I did drag myself to the pub with my

house mates and felt better for it - it made me realise that I miss

going out and seeing my friends and I'm currently tired, bored and

stuck in a rut.

I realise that the intensity and demands of the relationship, in

conjunction with external factors, have worn me out. My counsellor

says I need more " me " time and that it sounds like I love A to pieces.

I'm therefore asking myself, do we have a future?

I really want to give things another go. A is a wonderful man, he

really is. He's caring, kind, funny and just absolutely lovely. I am

lucky to have someone so fantastic. The AS has its good points as

well. He's loyal and, in a sense, pure. What you see is what you get.

There is no ulterior motive. And love is such an abstract concept,

so subjective. Some people think you should know when you're in love,

others disagree. I'm not sure. But if I've been feeling this

claustrophobic for so long, maybe I just haven't felt the feelings

that most would associate with being in love, i.e., the excitement,

but maybe it is still there, or at least, could come back?

The point is, I would like to give it another go. What I'm asking

myself is whether this is for the right reasons. A and I had a very

close relationship, very strong and, despite this, I think quite open.

I felt safe and secure with him. Is it this that I'll miss, or is it

A himself? I do miss A himself, but I have to admit, I have also made

the most of the space I've had since sun. Which could of course, mean

that this is the main issue, and if we established the space

boundaries, the relationship would work. Will I ever really know

unless I try to give it another go?

I realise that this would not be easy. I realise he would find giving

me space quite difficult, so there would have to be some sort of

compromising. We'd have to set clear boundaries and be consistent and

completely open and honest with each other. I realise now that a

psychology degree, reading some books and working with ASD children

does not alone qualify me in being able to cope in an AS relationship.

The main reason why I joined this group. I need to speak to people

in a similar situation to me. So please, I guess what I'm trying to

say is do any of you have any thoughts about my situation? Have any

of you been in a similar situation? Do you have any coping strategies

that you could share? I know this is ultimately for me to decide, but

do you think there could be a future for A and I? Or am I just

kidding myself because I can't let go of a man I adore?