Emotionaly DEAD...

[Guest guest]

Hello All,

This subject line hit home for me!

Once, few years ago I was emotionally dead, and I was living life because I had a sets of lungs that allowed me to.

Emotionally dead I surely was, until a psychologist said to me:

What is wrong, what is going on. Tell the truth , you are not like this and I just know it. You have so much life in you, and what is going on that it is all trapped inside.

I did not make sense of any of his questions, neither comments. I was actually astonished as I thought that I was alright.

One October morning, I was reading in bed. It was then, that what he said "suddenly" hit full force....... I knew then what he meant by his words.

I felt a sudden surge of energy, as if I had woken up from a long sleep. Indeed, I woke up from my daze, from the zombie stage in which I had been living. I felt I was trapped in a situation in which I was not myself, just to please someone. I was trying so hard to "please" the Un-pleaseable.

I was trying so very hard to "fit" in someone else's life in "his" style; which was one of total coldness and indifference that I had stopped being me in order to survive it!

I had stopped being me, in order to try to make things work. I was simply emotionally dead and dead alive! I had lost my identity for having made a mistake the honest mistake of trusting and believing on someone.

I did not have experience, and that in part contributed to my mistake.......

Yet, after so long and so many futile tries, I was given myself back, and I took it and decide to find my way back to me, to the happier me, to the one who loves smiling and having peace of mind!

I got up from bed and looked around in disbelief that I was there, when I could be trying to make life better for me, to smile again. I call one of my brothers and talked to him and ask him questions about me and if I had changed?

He talked and I listened....... I cried in Silence as I mourned my time lost and all the fruitless tries. I also buried the person I tried to be for someone else....... I moved on and trusted myself to find a way to understand my choices better. I made a covenant with my own, and decided never to loose me again, never to let me go into a zombie state at the cost of my own self.

I was so astonished by what my brother said to me that I also called a family friend and asked talked to them....... It had been so long since I was me, that I needed to know how dead alive I was.

I then called the psychologist and said I had an answer to the questions I was asked.

I got dressed and drove to his office and talked to him.

It was a point of no return since then. I had myself back and I would not let go.

I became again the agile person I was, the happy outgoing person I have been in the past.

I was the affectionate and caring person whom I have always been, but whom I could not show due to the person I was with not liking it, neither needing it!

I was happy again and I really did not want anymore to try to please someone who was

Un-pleaseable. I had to be me again, and to continue life the way I intended to.

A life of hope, of vision, of a present with a peaceful future!

A life of giggles, and happiness, and positivism, hard work and honest fun! I was back on track. I was back on my own world, and mine was far more gentle and productive than his....... And as long as I could be me, I could also be happy to share with others and to be useful!

I got back on track and I was able to move forward then.

October has always been a very special month for me since little....... No matter where in the world I am or have been, October is always windy and refreshing.

That is how I felt the day I got my self back, I felt refreshed, I could freely breath, I had found my identity again. I love October now even more because of that; and that is why I am the happiest then. I celebrate every day that God brought me back to me! And October is like a New Year for me!

That is what how being emotionally dead felt for me, and what being dead alive meant for me.

!

One site has it all. Your email accounts, your social networks, and the things you love. Try the new AOL.com today!

[Guest guest]

Sounds like depression not autism. I used to be emotionally dead, I am not any more. I think growing up AS or autistic can cause depression if there was an environment that was not helpful or was down right squashing of who a person is. If this person is AS or autistic but is trying to be NT that in and of its self could cause the feeling of emotionally dead. Just by the way it's interesting to note that 'emotionally dead' IS a feeling in and of its self.

Jennie AS

Emotionaly DEAD...

I got a private email from someone today saying HELP I am emotionally dead. They gave a few examples. How do U respond to that?

There have been folks with AS on this board who have said the same in the past. Being emotionally dead can apply to many things. He never mentioned autism but had my email from our website. I am guessing?

Thoughts?

No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG - http://www.avg.com Version: 8.0.175 / Virus Database: 270.9.8/1801 - Release Date: 11/20/2008 9:11 AM

[Guest guest]

it's interesting to note that 'emotionally dead' IS a feeling in and of its self.

Interesting....

[Guest guest]

Hello,

I've been REALLY busy so I have had to catch up tonight. I wanted to respond to this because for six years of our marriage this is how I existed. I was alive physically, I dealt with all the daily problems, I existed. I did not however live. I was emotionally frozen. It was a self imposed hibernation I simply could no longer exist emotionally and stay sane in my marriage. This was before we understood Usarian is AS. Our marriage had deteriorated to the point that I was having physical reactions to the stress of it. I went into labor five weeks early with our second child the morning after a horrible argument. It was one of those arguments I could not end because everything I said was wrong. It has only been in the last few months since finding Aspires that I have begun to "defrost". I feel like spring has finally come back into my life after a never ending winter. Many might say I was simply depressed, and I would have to agree to a point. But what I experienced was far deeper. I had allowed myself to become swallowed up by everything that existed outside of me five babies, Autism, AS, marital problems that were insurmountable at the time. This group has literally saved my sanity. By "talking" with others that actually understand and can relate I have grown (people who are not in AS/NT relationships really can not understand). I have learned so much from so many of you. I have reclaimed myself and in the process we may have saved our marriage. Part of the process was me getting a job. It isn't full time by any means but it gives me a few hours a week away from home to be me minus the kids, AS, husband, school projects, etc, etc, etc.

It has been an adjustment for everyone ( in particular is having a hard time with the new routine). I almost considered leaving it because I have ALWAYS put everyone else first. But I honestly don't think I can. It is so---o nice a couple of hours a week to have that break (yeah I know it is odd to refer to work as a break. But before I had kids I was very career oriented. I have always loved work)

I have realized through so many of you that the way to a successful AS/NT marriage is to fulfill those emotional needs through different means. For so long I simply deadened my emotions because I could survive that way. Now I am learning to live again.

e, yes I am still around

From: vcsfrewer@...

Sent: Thursday, November 20, 2008 7:31 PM

To: aspires-relationships

Subject: Re: Emotionaly DEAD...

Hello All,

This subject line hit home for me!

Once, few years ago I was emotionally dead, and I was living life because I had a sets of lungs that allowed me to.

Emotionally dead I surely was, until a psychologist said to me:

What is wrong, what is going on. Tell the truth , you are not like this and I just know it. You have so much life in you, and what is going on that it is all trapped inside.

I did not make sense of any of his questions, neither comments. I was actually astonished as I thought that I was alright.

One October morning, I was reading in bed. It was then, that what he said "suddenly" hit full force....... I knew then what he meant by his words.

I felt a sudden surge of energy, as if I had woken up from a long sleep. Indeed, I woke up from my daze, from the zombie stage in which I had been living. I felt I was trapped in a situation in which I was not myself, just to please someone. I was trying so hard to "please" the Un-pleaseable.

I was trying so very hard to "fit" in someone else's life in "his" style; which was one of total coldness and indifference that I had stopped being me in order to survive it!

I had stopped being me, in order to try to make things work. I was simply emotionally dead and dead alive! I had lost my identity for having made a mistake the honest mistake of trusting and believing on someone.

I did not have experience, and that in part contributed to my mistake.......

Yet, after so long and so many futile tries, I was given myself back, and I took it and decide to find my way back to me, to the happier me, to the one who loves smiling and having peace of mind!

I got up from bed and looked around in disbelief that I was there, when I could be trying to make life better for me, to smile again. I call one of my brothers and talked to him and ask him questions about me and if I had changed?

He talked and I listened....... I cried in Silence as I mourned my time lost and all the fruitless tries. I also buried the person I tried to be for someone else....... I moved on and trusted myself to find a way to understand my choices better. I made a covenant with my own, and decided never to loose me again, never to let me go into a zombie state at the cost of my own self.

I was so astonished by what my brother said to me that I also called a family friend and asked talked to them....... It had been so long since I was me, that I needed to know how dead alive I was.

I then called the psychologist and said I had an answer to the questions I was asked.

I got dressed and drove to his office and talked to him.

It was a point of no return since then. I had myself back and I would not let go.

I became again the agile person I was, the happy outgoing person I have been in the past.

I was the affectionate and caring person whom I have always been, but whom I could not show due to the person I was with not liking it, neither needing it!

I was happy again and I really did not want anymore to try to please someone who was

Un-pleaseable. I had to be me again, and to continue life the way I intended to.

A life of hope, of vision, of a present with a peaceful future!

A life of giggles, and happiness, and positivism, hard work and honest fun! I was back on track. I was back on my own world, and mine was far more gentle and productive than his....... And as long as I could be me, I could also be happy to share with others and to be useful!

I got back on track and I was able to move forward then.

October has always been a very special month for me since little....... No matter where in the world I am or have been, October is always windy and refreshing.

That is how I felt the day I got my self back, I felt refreshed, I could freely breath, I had found my identity again. I love October now even more because of that; and that is why I am the happiest then. I celebrate every day that God brought me back to me! And October is like a New Year for me!

That is what how being emotionally dead felt for me, and what being dead alive meant for me.

!

One site has it all. Your email accounts, your social networks, and the things you love. Try the new AOL.com today!

[Guest guest]

linda, it was interesting that in your response you had observations from AS and non-AS

about this issue.

Uta Frith , in 2004 described an acknowledgement of AS and alexithymia.

try wikipedia.

37 m diagnosed AS

Subject: Emotionaly DEAD...To: aspires-relationships Date: Thursday, 20 November, 2008, 11:58 PM

I got a private email from someone today saying HELP I am emotionally dead. They gave a few examples. How do U respond to that?

There have been folks with AS on this board who have said the same in the past. Being emotionally dead can apply to many things. He never mentioned autism but had my email from our website. I am guessing?

Thoughts?

[Guest guest]

Hi i have just read the replies from who described my feelings exactly, i too had put myself/my life on hold and became someone else just so i could fit in with my husbands life. Then i read e's reply who also described how i felt and now feel, i too love my job, it's nothing great as i wanted a job with as little responsibility as possible cause i have all the responsibility i can handle at home, my job is my respite, even if it is only 12 hours per week. For the last 5 years or so i have also been, to a certain degree emotionally dead, i can't even remember the last time i sang while doing the hoovering or danced with my husband at a party something we used to always do in the early days, but we have not even been to a party for years now. For the last 5 years,

my life has been put on a shelf while i have lived/existed for my son and husband, they came first and every breath i took was for them. My life was at it's lowest point the day i found this group, in my head i had 2 choices, divorce or suicide, i just could not see any other way out of the pit i was in. When i posted my first post and got the replies i got it felt just how described, like waking from a deep sleep, i too found out what people thought of me and was told how much i had changed, i had forgotten how to enjoy myself, to laugh. Like e described for herself, since finding this group it's as if my life has been saved by you all, like i was drowning and at the point of death was plucked from the water and given CPR, given another chance of life. I tell as many people as possible about this group if i feel they too could benefit from being part of this community, if there life could be changed for the better by

coming here. I always tell people "i learnt more about my husband in 1 week than i have in 21 years" after coming here. Whoever sent you that mail only needs to read these replies to be able to realise that there life could change very soon.

You guy's are are brilliant, you have saved my marriage and my sanity also, wish i could give you all a big hug(with your permission of course) )

Elaine XXX

To: aspires-relationships Sent: Thursday, 20 November, 2008 23:58:47Subject: Emotionaly DEAD...

I got a private email from someone today saying HELP I am emotionally dead. They gave a few examples. How do U respond to that?

There have been folks with AS on this board who have said the same in the past. Being emotionally dead can apply to many things. He never mentioned autism but had my email from our website. I am guessing?

Thoughts?

[Guest guest]

, I've read all the replies to this so far. I see that this

condition seems to occur with both NT and AS. Is the common

denominator best described as in a relationship where one person

sacrafices/ suppresses who they are for the other person in the

relationship? In healthy relationships, both partners grow together.

In an emotionally dead relationship, one of them suppresses who they

are to accomodate the other.

I too became emotionally dead. Friends mentioned that I changed and

drifted away from me. I became a hermit because he wouldn't allow

anyone in our home or on our property. As time went on, I think I

even crossed over into depression and a clinical state of

unhappiness. I use to be a very upbeat person who enjoyed people and

doing a variety of things. If there was anything that upset him, I

changed myself. I felt so alone, and so lonely. I was the walking

dead ....as I ate, slept, breathed, but didn't live. I'm not sure of

any specific thing that gave me an epiphany, but back in 2007, I

consciously started to reclaim who I was. I had to hold fast because

this meant there would be many fights with my husband. I got out of

the house, and did things I enjoy and with friends. In 2008, I began

getting our home repaired. I still didn't know anything about AS. I

just decided that it wasn't good for both of us to live the way we

were. I was not going to survive life with him. So I reclaimed myself

and he went along on a bumpy ride. During an extended visit with my

best friend who lives far away, I was struck with the communication

similarities between her autistic brother (who she cares for) and my

husband. Before I could lose that thought, I came home and there was

an article in the newspaper about aspergers. I read the article and

said, " This describes . " So I started reading about aspergers

and found that he exhibits nearly all the characteristics that describe

AS. Then I found Aspires. I stopped tolerating his bad behavior,

while at the same time understanding who he is. Where are we at now?

Our home is in better repair. And HE is already planning next year's

bathroom remodel that will be done by a contractor.

I am getting out and living life with friends, taking art classes,

Master Gardener, traveling, etc. And HE is getting out more too and

wants to. HE asked me to plan a railroad trip to Glacier National Park

next July.

I am happy and see a future now. HE is smiling and laughing more. HE

is enjoying company now, and even when I plan for him to hide in his

lab in the basement, he stays upstairs and talks with the guests.

Wow!

Meltdowns are very rare now. He had one over something at work, and

another one during the house remodel this spring.

I've told him about aspergers and gave him a book that was recommended

here. He says he doesn't think he has aspergers, but he has changed.

He seems comfortable that I know he has aspergers and I'm okay with

it. When we talk about an AS behavior, he laughs with me about it.

We are talking more. When he gets up, he seeks me out to talk to

me. He use to just live in his uncommunicative world, just happy that

I was simply there.

So, to answer the person that asked you for help, perhaps that person

has lost himself in a relationship....with a significant other or

others around the person. It seems to me that this person could be NT

or AS. Hard to tell. The fact that he found you through this site

leads me to think that aspergers is playing a role, whether he is AS or

his partner is AS. Verleen

>

> I got a private email from someone today saying HELP I am emotionally

dead. They gave a few examples. How do U respond to that?

>

> There have been folks with AS on this board who have said the same in

the past. Being emotionally dead can apply to many things. He never

mentioned autism but had my email from our website. I am guessing?

>

> Thoughts?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Elaine wrote:

> Hi i have just read the replies from who described my

> feelings exactly, i too had put myself/my life on hold and became

> someone else just so i could fit in with my husbands life. Then i

> read e's reply who also described how i felt and now feel, i

> too love my job, it's nothing great as i wanted a job with as little

> responsibility as possible cause i have all the responsibility i can

> handle at home, my job is my respite, even if it is only 12 hours per

> week. For the last 5 years or so i have also been, to a certain

> degree emotionally dead, i can't even remember the last time i sang

> while doing the hoovering or danced with my husband at a party

> something we used to always do in the early days, but we have not

> even been to a party for years now. For the last 5 years, my life has

> been put on a shelf while i have lived/existed for my son and

> husband, they came first and every breath i took was for them.

I'll quote that much, exact detail unimportant.

I think the term " emotionally dead " is bad, something better is needed.

What you and others (I get confused on who is who) are saying is not

emotionally dead, you rather obviously were not, so there seems to be

some confusion over description, of putting a name on something.

Joyless relationship might be closer but I doubt that is acceptable.

[Guest guest]

Verleen,

Ditto to all of this - I ask, how can my man (for it has to be he from your description) be in your house and mine at the same time - is this astral projection!

You'll recall I wrote about my personality being subsumed recently, that after a short time away I quickly became the real me which I thought I had lost. And that's when I realised I hadn't change, but had just adapted far too much to his needs, leaving my own needs to wibble on the floor.

I guess that whilst Ian was working out who he was, he couldn't allow me to be in there battling for myself. And when I got back still being the real me, he didn't like that at all, asked why I wasn't being the compliant soul as before. So I had to work that out with him, saying this is how I am and I am not going to be like a Stepford Wife/Mummy any more, or just nod politely at your indulgent rudeness. Its more honest that way. We like each other again. And I do look out for him more, look after him more, because its a reciprocal arrangement now. We work problems out together rather than fire fight.

It's helped Ian discipline himself more, and he knows I won't tolerate being left out of his outer life whilst he is so submerged in his inner world. We still don't have friends around or go to social events together - this is all lip service to him - I am always trying to draw him towards the really great people I know, and it never transpires. I really miss the spontaneity of just going in and out of each others' houses, as friends. Since being with Ian, my house seems to have a big red cross on the door....!

Subject: Re: Emotionaly DEAD...To: aspires-relationships Date: Friday, 21 November, 2008, 2:04 PM

, I've read all the replies to this so far. I see that this condition seems to occur with both NT and AS. Is the common denominator best described as in a relationship where one person sacrafices/ suppresses who they are for the other person in the relationship? In healthy relationships, both partners grow together. In an emotionally dead relationship, one of them suppresses who they are to accomodate the other.I too became emotionally dead. Friends mentioned that I changed and drifted away from me. I became a hermit because he wouldn't allow anyone in our home or on our property. As time went on, I think I even crossed over into depression and a clinical state of unhappiness. I use to be a very upbeat person who enjoyed people and doing a variety of things. If there was anything that upset him, I changed myself. I felt so alone, and so lonely. I was the walking dead ....as I ate,

slept, breathed, but didn't live. I'm not sure of any specific thing that gave me an epiphany, but back in 2007, I consciously started to reclaim who I was. I had to hold fast because this meant there would be many fights with my husband. I got out of the house, and did things I enjoy and with friends. In 2008, I began getting our home repaired. I still didn't know anything about AS. I just decided that it wasn't good for both of us to live the way we were. I was not going to survive life with him. So I reclaimed myself and he went along on a bumpy ride. During an extended visit with my best friend who lives far away, I was struck with the communication similarities between her autistic brother (who she cares for) and my husband. Before I could lose that thought, I came home and there was an article in the newspaper about aspergers. I read the article and said, "This describes ." So I started

reading about aspergers and found that he exhibits nearly all the characteristics that describe AS. Then I found Aspires. I stopped tolerating his bad behavior, while at the same time understanding who he is. Where are we at now?Our home is in better repair. And HE is already planning next year's bathroom remodel that will be done by a contractor.I am getting out and living life with friends, taking art classes, Master Gardener, traveling, etc. And HE is getting out more too and wants to. HE asked me to plan a railroad trip to Glacier National Park next July.I am happy and see a future now. HE is smiling and laughing more. HE is enjoying company now, and even when I plan for him to hide in his lab in the basement, he stays upstairs and talks with the guests. Wow! Meltdowns are very rare now. He had one over something at work, and another one during the house remodel this

spring.I've told him about aspergers and gave him a book that was recommended here. He says he doesn't think he has aspergers, but he has changed. He seems comfortable that I know he has aspergers and I'm okay with it. When we talk about an AS behavior, he laughs with me about it. We are talking more. When he gets up, he seeks me out to talk to me. He use to just live in his uncommunicative world, just happy that I was simply there.So, to answer the person that asked you for help, perhaps that person has lost himself in a relationship. ...with a significant other or others around the person. It seems to me that this person could be NT or AS. Hard to tell. The fact that he found you through this site leads me to think that aspergers is playing a role, whether he is AS or his partner is AS. Verleen >> I got a private email from someone today saying HELP I am emotionally dead. They gave a few examples. How do U respond to that? > > There have been folks with AS on this board who have said the same in the past. Being emotionally dead can apply to many things. He never mentioned autism but had my email from our website. I am guessing?> > Thoughts?> > >

[Guest guest]

Judy, I still don't have friends coming in and out of my house in a

spontaneous way. I don't think, at least at this stage, that this

is likely to happen. I miss it too. I do now go to friends homes

without him if he won't come. When I invite people over, I let him

know about it and remind him of how he should behave. If he can't

be welcoming to my guests, then he knows he needs to go somewhere

else. For me, its his place in the basement that he created. I

want and need my friends to visit my home. Its my home too. I do

try to see his side of it and plan for alternatives for him. I

agree that setting limits to bad and destructive (to a relationship)

behavior, actually helps the AS person to gain some self-discipline

and grow outwardly. Why not start inviting a friend or two over?

Prepare him ahead of time; allow him an 'out'. I picked friends who

had quiet, non-threatening, and accepting personalities. These were

good choices because it was these people that he stayed and talked

to. I have one good friend who is an extreme extrovert, controlling

and loud. He disappears when she is there and I allow him that. I

also planned these as short visits at first. Now I have some

friends who visit for many hours without going into distress.

I did all this slowly, but firmly. Verleen

>

> Verleen,

>  

> Ditto to all of this - I ask, how can my man (for it has to be he

from your description) be in your house and mine at the same time -

is this astral projection!

>  

> You'll recall I wrote about my personality being

subsumed recently, that after a short time away I quickly became

the real me which I thought I had lost. And that's when I realised I

hadn't change, but had just adapted far too much to his needs,

leaving my own needs to wibble on the floor. 

>  

> I guess that whilst Ian was working out who he was, he couldn't

allow me to be in there battling for myself.  And when I got back

still being the real me, he didn't like that at all, asked why I

wasn't being the compliant soul as before. So I had to work that out

with him, saying this is how I am and I am not going to be like a

Stepford Wife/Mummy any more, or just nod politely at your indulgent

rudeness.  Its more honest that way. We like each other again. And I

do look out for him more, look after him more, because its a

reciprocal arrangement now. We work problems out together rather than

fire fight.

>  

> It's helped Ian discipline himself more, and he knows I won't

tolerate being left out of his outer life whilst he is so submerged

in his inner world.  We still don't have friends around or go to

social events together - this is all lip service to him - I am

always trying to draw him towards the really great people I know, and

it never transpires.  I really miss the spontaneity of just going in

and out of each others' houses, as friends. Since being with Ian, my

house seems to have a big red cross on the door....!

>  

>

[Guest guest]

We had to make it a priority to start to have a social life again. In our case the hold up wasn't Usarian but our kids. is triggered by noise and gets over stimulated so easily. We found that we were becoming isolated. Now we have people over a couple times a month. It helps to have two floors because and can escape if need be, quite honestly Usarian can escape into his office when he needs it as well. I love to entertain and my other kids love to have people over so we are making adjustments. We are slowly expanding 's self imposed boundaries. He needs this. As for , I just have to be very sensitive to where he is at as far as his stimulation level. It has helped that we are purposely making friends with people who either have AS or autistic family members or understand the spectrum. This level of understanding helps all involved and quite honestly we have more to talk about. It is very hard for people who do not understand the spectrum to "get" us. Even our relatives don't understand. There is hardly a week that goes by without a well meaning relative e-mailing us a link to some nutritional supplement that will "cure" our children or a link to the evils of vaccination or a piece of advice on how if we disciplined more these "issues" would just go magically away. Oops, I digress.....Back to what Verleen has been saying. I agree. We are doing the same thing. I just had a long winded way of saying it.

e, feeling very chatty after having been away from Aspires for the last week or two

From: Verleen

Sent: Friday, November 21, 2008 10:19 AM

To: aspires-relationships

Subject: Re: Emotionaly DEAD...

Judy, I still don't have friends coming in and out of my house in a spontaneous way. I don't think, at least at this stage, that this is likely to happen. I miss it too. I do now go to friends homes without him if he won't come. When I invite people over, I let him know about it and remind him of how he should behave. If he can't be welcoming to my guests, then he knows he needs to go somewhere else. For me, its his place in the basement that he created. I want and need my friends to visit my home. Its my home too. I do try to see his side of it and plan for alternatives for him. I agree that setting limits to bad and destructive (to a relationship) behavior, actually helps the AS person to gain some self-discipline and grow outwardly. Why not start inviting a friend or two over? Prepare him ahead of time; allow him an 'out'. I picked friends who had quiet, non-threatening, and accepting personalities. These were good choices because it was these people that he stayed and talked to. I have one good friend who is an extreme extrovert, controlling and loud. He disappears when she is there and I allow him that. I also planned these as short visits at first. Now I have some friends who visit for many hours without going into distress. I did all this slowly, but firmly. Verleen>> Verleen,>  > Ditto to all of this - I ask, how can my man (for it has to be he from your description) be in your house and mine at the same time - is this astral projection!>  > You'll recall I wrote about my personality being subsumed recently, that after a short time away I quickly became the real me which I thought I had lost. And that's when I realised I hadn't change, but had just adapted far too much to his needs, leaving my own needs to wibble on the floor. >  > I guess that whilst Ian was working out who he was, he couldn't allow me to be in there battling for myself. And when I got back still being the real me, he didn't like that at all, asked why I wasn't being the compliant soul as before. So I had to work that out with him, saying this is how I am and I am not going to be like a Stepford Wife/Mummy any more, or just nod politely at your indulgent rudeness. Its more honest that way. We like each other again. And I do look out for him more, look after him more, because its a reciprocal arrangement now. We work problems out together rather than fire fight. >  > It's helped Ian discipline himself more, and he knows I won't tolerate being left out of his outer life whilst he is so submerged in his inner world. We still don't have friends around or go to social events together - this is all lip service to him - I am always trying to draw him towards the really great people I know, and it never transpires. I really miss the spontaneity of just going in and out of each others' houses, as friends. Since being with Ian, my house seems to have a big red cross on the door....!>  >

[Guest guest]



I also have had this same experience with my husband. I had to get rid of 'me' in order to make him happy. For me this has been true of most of my relationships. If a person just flip flops most of what the NT ladies have said that's me. You have been pushed into isolation, I have been pushed into social and so it goes. I think perhaps the real problem for me is:

A. I shouldn't have let myself cater to others to the extreme of forgetting who I am. It's one thing to be nice, polite, decent, it's another to cater. No catering allowed in my house any more.

B. If I did 'A' then the kind of people who want that behavior wouldn't have liked me anyway therefore I would not be always finding relationships in which I am required to stomp on myself.

C. By not catering and just being 'me' I find very few friends but the ones I find would be worth while. I am finding this to be true.

D. Avoid controlling people who think everyone has to be like them. Life is too short to hang with people who are so unhappy with themselves that they think the only way to make themselves acceptable is to force everyone around them to be like them.

In the case of my husband (NT) of course it wasn't so simple as just deciding to be me. I had to sit him down and inform him that I was done catering..... several hundred times. It was really hard for him to learn that for the first time in his life someone was not going to be catering to his whims and knuckling under to his passive aggressive responses. He had to learn to grow up and be a real man. Even though he is doing much, much better I am still often shocked by the things he is just now learning.... Like you can't just tell a 5 yr old to clean their room and walk away and assume it will be clean when you get back. LOL LOL

I also think that the fact that both AS and NT experience the same thing from opposite sides means the solution has to be full of compromise from both halves of the relationship! I can't demand he isolate but he can't demand I be social. He needs to give me time to myself without derision or disgust or condescension. I need to do what I need to do in order to be social for reasonable amounts of time.

Jennie AS

Emotionaly DEAD...

I got a private email from someone today saying HELP I am emotionally dead. They gave a few examples. How do U respond to that?

There have been folks with AS on this board who have said the same in the past. Being emotionally dead can apply to many things. He never mentioned autism but had my email from our website. I am guessing?

Thoughts?

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[Guest guest]

Hi,

I wrote how I felt, and how things were for me.

Detail is important for the person who is witting their own personal views on how they felt.

Details in a relationship are very important as well; trust me that is what make relationship last, the details the litter things that make a couple what they are.

Love is precious and sharing is even better, being friends, confidant, lovers and the whole package!

In any case, that is how I felt, emotionally dead, and I am entitled to my own opinion, even if it is different than yours.

Same with you, you are entitled to your own opinion, no matter how I feel about it.

It is only fair!

I just hope it helped some the person who asked or anyone who can benefit by seeing that they are not alone. I am the one with AS, and I felt like that with an NT.

It also happen vice versa or even with people who are NT or AS and have joined together.

We all are different, but share as well similarities, all depend how good the right connections were made!

Sincerely,

.

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[Guest guest]

I also have had this same experience with my husband. I had to get rid of 'me' in order to make him happy.

I had to stop being me as a result of him being unable to be happy.

I was asked to change to make him happy, but I still was me, the happy and cheerful me.

It never pleased him and I was asked to be practically dead alive.

I ended up sad and depressed because I could not be me and it made him so very irritable to hear me happy or giggling. I had to stop as TO KEEP PEACE....... Yet, I did not do it to make him happy, but to make life bearable.

It was as if he envied the stamina, and the passion I had for life....... He always commented on it. Even others mentioned it, and even when said he had "nothing to complaint about me" the time he went to the psychologist....... He was still not seeing that I was just existing without living life....... I had died inside me to keep peace....... Never again!

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[Guest guest]

,

Well actually I misspoke because I did it Trying to keep him happy but it didn't work. Because of course his unhappiness, his pessimism, his sour look at life had nothing to do with me. They were all inside him. Nothing I could do would change that. My husband also said he had no complaints about me. That was because I squashed myself to suit him (i.e. keep the peace)... only of course he wasn't suited. Because a person determined to be unhappy will never be happy no matter what. They will even go out of their way to make their own lives miserable just to prove to themselves that they are always miserable!!

Jennie

Re: Emotionaly DEAD...

In a message dated 11/21/2008 1:30:32 P.M. Eastern Standard Time, mossbtweenmetoestds (DOT) net writes:

I also have had this same experience with my husband. I had to get rid of 'me' in order to make him happy.

I had to stop being me as a result of him being unable to be happy.

I was asked to change to make him happy, but I still was me, the happy and cheerful me.

It never pleased him and I was asked to be practically dead alive.

I ended up sad and depressed because I could not be me and it made him so very irritable to hear me happy or giggling. I had to stop as TO KEEP PEACE....... Yet, I did not do it to make him happy, but to make life bearable.

It was as if he envied the stamina, and the passion I had for life....... He always commented on it. Even others mentioned it, and even when said he had "nothing to complaint about me" the time he went to the psychologist....... He was still not seeing that I was just existing without living life....... I had died inside me to keep peace....... Never again!

!

One site has it all. Your email accounts, your social networks, and the things you love. Try the new AOL.com today!

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[Guest guest]

,

I have a friend who complained ot me that I was too cheery- that when she was upset, I was not upset, but still cheery. She acknowledged that I cared, and said things to her like, I am sorry you are not feeling that great right now", but her beef was that I was not going to talk about gloomy things only, till she felt better (we were in a group). Yes, I care when people do not feel good. But, like you, UI have plenty of stamina, and do not habve any depression. I canr about people who are depressed, but refuse to quit being happy just because they do not feel good. (To me, this does not mean I do not care, but rather, I can care and acknowledge that they feel badly, but since they stay that way for days, I cannot! It is not me at all!)

I wish you lived near me. We could be cheerful around each other without worrying about anyone's complaining about it! I had to write, because what you wrote really struck a chord.

, also AS

Subject: Re: Emotionaly DEAD...To: aspires-relationships Date: Saturday, November 22, 2008, 12:06 AM

In a message dated 11/21/2008 1:30:32 P.M. Eastern Standard Time, mossbtweenmetoes@ tds.net writes:

I also have had this same experience with my husband. I had to get rid of 'me' in order to make him happy.

I had to stop being me as a result of him being unable to be happy.

I was asked to change to make him happy, but I still was me, the happy and cheerful me.

It never pleased him and I was asked to be practically dead alive.

I ended up sad and depressed because I could not be me and it made him so very irritable to hear me happy or giggling. I had to stop as TO KEEP PEACE....... Yet, I did not do it to make him happy, but to make life bearable.

It was as if he envied the stamina, and the passion I had for life....... He always commented on it. Even others mentioned it, and even when said he had "nothing to complaint about me" the time he went to the psychologist. ...... He was still not seeing that I was just existing without living life....... I had died inside me to keep peace....... Never again!

!

One site has it all. Your email accounts, your social networks, and the things you love. Try the new AOL.com today!

[Guest guest]

I just had to reply to this to explaine myself better. I have always been an outgoing, friendly, jolly, and even sometimes OTT kind of person, the sort who would try anything once, would take up on the offer of a 'bet', would be the first to play pranks on people. Then as life would have it i changed, i did become emotionally dead compaired to the person i used to be, it's as if i had forgotten how to really live cause i just didn't have the time to live, simple as that. Yes i had huge problems with my marriage, but also in all aspects and areas of my life. My life wasn't my own, i was living for someone else.

To: aspires-relationships Sent: Friday, 21 November, 2008 14:50:45Subject: Re: Emotionaly DEAD...

Elaine wrote:> Hi i have just read the replies from who described my> feelings exactly, i too had put myself/my life on hold and became> someone else just so i could fit in with my husbands life. Then i> read e's reply who also described how i felt and now feel, i> too love my job, it's nothing great as i wanted a job with as little> responsibility as possible cause i have all the responsibility i can> handle at home, my job is my respite, even if it is only 12 hours per> week. For the last 5 years or so i have also been, to a certain> degree emotionally dead, i can't even remember the last time i sang> while doing the hoovering or danced with my husband at a party> something we used to always do in the early days, but we have not> even been to a party for years now. For the last 5 years, my life has> been put on a shelf while i have

lived/existed for my son and> husband, they came first and every breath i took was for them.I'll quote that much, exact detail unimportant.I think the term "emotionally dead" is bad, something better is needed.What you and others (I get confused on who is who) are saying is notemotionally dead, you rather obviously were not, so there seems to besome confusion over description, of putting a name on something..Joyless relationship might be closer but I doubt that is acceptable.