Introduction-- Vanitha this is long.......

[Guest guest]

Hello All--

I intended to send this mail to Venitha off list, but I got a response saying it was undeliverable.

I will send it to the list, but it is long. Anyone can read it at their own risk.

It is winding, but Venitha knows what I mean by being like that.

Take Care

.

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Subj:

Re: Re: Introduction-- Venitha--

Date:

11/29/2008 2:03:28 P.M. Eastern Standard Time

From:

Vcsfrewer

To:

rao venitha@...

Dear ,

The consultation with the psychiatrist did not go well with my husband making a sudden turn around and telling the doctor he is not interested in help and he wants out of the marriage as soon as possible.

Has he been through help before? Are his parents so far away that one of them (the one he listens to the most) could reach into him? If so, it does not warranties he will listen, specially if in the past they have made him feel guilty! and the end results have been the same. In that case, it might make things worse. Besides if he is AS, he will most likely take the information and withdraw to analyze it and then draw a conclusion; but will not take the advise if he does not thinks it will work.

Once mother was asked for help by someone trying to convince me of doing something.

Mothers said: She will listen to anything anyone has to say, but she will make the last decision, NO influence at all from any of us.

If I being an AS woman do that, I can only think that an AS man will be twice as much determined than me to do as he thinks will be the best thing to do. Specially if years have been spent waiting for whatever he is waiting and it is not happening in a constant way or just not happening at all.

Sexual contact is not all I am talking about here, that is only one part of the whole package! I am talking about "friendship, togetherness, partnership in business, spirituality, social life, the psychological part of being a husband and wife" Yes, lots of problems can arrive, they come and go, but daily hard wok is needed in a marriage to make it happen. No one said it was a piece of cake, specially if there are differences in religion, or belief, or degree of how tins are done. It is not easy indeed, but it is possible to come to the middle of the road and meet.

I get offers often to go out, last business card was given to me on Wednesday by a guy. Yes it would be easy for me to find someone, but I am not interested in just someone, I want this time someone who is more like me, and thinks more like me.

Someone with visions and passions, with the need of being needed.......

See, it is not easy, but it is possible. I will not settle this time for just anyone, this time I will investigate, search, discuss, and test the equipment as well!

the goals have to have a common link, and there must be a level of friendship that reaches confidence. It is better than being friends, it is the whole package!

I as an AS woman like to feel that I trust my partner, and only if I confide in him my deepest desires and thoughts, I could call him a confidant, otherwise it would not be enough as I must trust! Same for him, that is what I can offer, that he can confide in me without him being afraid I will use the information he gives me to turn it on him. If I confide in someone, it is because he has earned the trust that whatever we do is our own creation and no one is to ever interfere with it.

I have achieved that type of confidence with one of my brothers, he can tell me anything. He knows that whatever he says to me, no matter how terrible or how nice, it dies in me! No one will ever know. Its been like that for all of our lives, and since little we protected that part of us, so I have experience on that. That is one things I wanted from ex, but I could not trust him, he betrayed my trust just way too much and the lies were uncountable.

See, Venitha if I am opening that information to you is for you to see that the first step to try to mend things is for two person to be closer to each other physically.

Also for you and him to have an honest talk, the truth will always, always give you the best idea of where you both stand and it will provide both of you with "DETAILS" of what needs to be done.

But what I did get from the doctor is that he requires further intensive evaluation as this appears to be something on the Asperger's-Schizophrenia Spectrum. I'm not sure what he meant, unless he meant that differential diagnosis will take time.

Ask what he meant and also ask for a second opinion!

NO ONE, no matter what an expert on AS the person is, NO ONE can assume someone has AS without a throrough evaluation. MUCH lesser imply that the person might be Schizoid as well!

Unless there has been a previous evaluation by someone, this is just going too fast! Something does not adds up....... Has he gone to a psychologist before on his own? Psychiatric?

I prefer Psychiatric, as they treat the brain, not just the mind. I like scientific information, more than psychological talk....... It feels more real I supposed and more approaches are possible!

By the way, for him to be evaluated and see what is really there, he needs to be on medication as to find out what symptoms are left that will give a better diagnosis.

Or did he mean Schizophrenia occurring as a co-morbid disorder.

Ask!

For what I have read, it is very, very rare that AS ends up with an Schizoid dx.

I surely will seek immediately a second opinion, one in this case is not sufficient, perhaps even a third!

Is is really difficult to evaluate AS alone, and it will really take a long time to evaluate Schizophrenia. I am really wondering why the doctor said that, specially if your husband seems to have already made up his mind.

At least here in the USA a doctor prevents form giving a "possible" diagnosis without further evaluating the patient. If he has been seen in the past by this doctor, then I can see where things are going, but if it is the first time, the doctor needs to do more tests.

I am not a doctor, so you need to talk and see if he will cooperate, but I am still very doubtful of the schizophrenia. He will not function out there as he seems to do, trust me.

Have you ever seen the movie a beautiful mind? It is very touching, and by the way, the wife of Mr. Nash in real life is from El Salvador, that is where I am from.

Well my husband has categorically refused further appointments. Meantime I have gone ahead and made an appointment for myself to see if I can understand the disorder better.

What disorder? The AS or the Schizoid, or both?

Before anyone jumps into conclusion, your husband needs to be given a chance.

He need to be evaluated before a label is put on him. If he does not really wants to know or cooperate, then there is nothing , absolutely nothing that anyone can do.

If I were you, I would get on a train, car or airplane and go visit the parents of your husband and demand the truth.

If they knew of it before you both got into the marriage, THEIR moral obligation and the HONEST thing to do was to at least warn you of what was going on.

I do not believe that NO ONE saw it....... It is something that does not flies with me AT ALL! Someone someplace concealed the truth!

have you ever seen the movie Fiddler on the roof? have you heard the song name Traditions? I have the movie and the sound Track of the movie.

That song there is apart where a man sells a horse to another man, BUT delivers a mule! They both argues that one sold him a horse, and the other one that he asked for a mule. No one ever takes responsibility for the one who paid the money was done wrong by the one who intentionally delivered the mule.

That is in a way what happened to me, I was told I was going to marry a good guy and we talked about the things that we would like to do together, including intimacy. Once I got trapped, none of the talked and previously agreed happened.

I got stock with what I was not sold....... Figurative speech, it is only an example of what you can get when you do not see the product, and test it before arranging a marriage or agreeing to one.

It does not guaranties, neither warranties any product or the replacement parts needed in order to make it work. It is a complete gamble, and one where too much is at a stake and risk. I am skeptical of the lovey dovey thing now, and if I am going to engage in something like that again, lots of things will need to happen first.

Testing will be a must for me, not rushing into it, but with careful planning as not to make the previous mistake.

When I found out about most of the things that prevented ex to be a husband, and after all the needed long time of professional help, I talked to his father. It seems he knew a lot, but was hoping things will be alright. Oh really?

They knew....... Who knows if they were on denial (very old school) but in any case, the truth should have been told.

Ethics in my views were violated, but then again I am an AS with certain standard of ethics that seem to be high in the eyes of others....... As I live with myself, I go by them, yet do not ask anyone else to follow mine. Still others should hve good ethics in my views, it would avoid so much guilt, and also broken hearts.......

I have moved out of our house to give my husband space....if that would put him in a better frame of mind when I try and suggest further evaluation.

This reminds me of mother, when dad sent us away to barding school and a new house was purchased for us to live there with mother, she was the happiest.

Even when this is not your situation and you are obviously upset, and sad, mother was not.

She did not want to be a divorce, but did not want dad with her, he was jut too much in her eyes. Her peace of mind was not there and she just did not handle neither could handle him. In her views he asked for too much from her, and even when she did not even work and had help for her to take care of us....... She just could not handle anyone at all.

She was never affectionate, or giving to dad. I just do not get it, she could have had it all with him, specially him! He was a difficult guy to be with, but I loved him dearly, mistakes and ALL.

She did not want to live in the same house with dad, but made him feel guilty every day through us. At the end it only hurt her more, no one ever disliked or stop loving dad. Quite the opposite, we all loved him dearly, even more so than what any of us could love her. She tried to keep him feeling guilty, thus attached to her....... It was sad and heart breaking.......

Venitha,

I just do not get it, if he is away for long periods of time and he has live separated from you-- even if you are legally married-- it is still a separation. Even if there was the assumption that you were still married, it is still a separation and emotional distancing would get worse....... and has gotten worse.

Where are you living? If he goes away to his job, how can you reach him personally? If text messages, calls, phone has not work....... how will it be better now.

If I were him, and I do not hear from you, your wishes, your desires, I will feel rejected and also not needed.

That in itself will be enough for me to know that I am not wanted in a place where harmony should exist. where peace of mind should exist....... A refuge, a place to be and call home.

Unfortunately for me, if I do not feel needed, that means I am not wanted and it means I will move on an go.

If I feel needed, then I will be there happiest person as I will feel that my tenderness, tending for my partner will mean something. I would like to feel I am of service to my partner and also that he is my refuge and that we are confidants of each other.

That of course is how I feel and think, others might feel differently and need to be completely alone or by themselves; just ONE. Number one is a lonely number! sad and lonely....... Not for me!

None of his elders live nearby...but I am trying to work on extended social support as well.

Be careful with the extended social support, right now you are at a very low emotionally. Keep it real and also safe for you. Every single piece of advice should be taken as a grain of salt. Mine or any other person's as well.

He is an atheist so religion is out of the question.

An Atheist Indian man, it is the first time I hear of it. Yet I can also see it, where was he educated?

I am sure he believe in a higher power of some sort. Even if his higher power is one that comes from a belief of fate, or coincidences. Something has to be there.......

Even if he is an atheist, love and the needs of a man are still there. Before a man knows about belief, he knows about needs, love and feels, no matter how AS or NT he is or she is!

Venitha, I believe in a higher power and also how events in our life lead us to other events. In my views, the leaves of a tree do not move unless God wants them to move. Yet God has given us a mind, and with it he gave us freedom to chose and think. Also the mind in my views should be use to question everything on Earth.

Thee detail of life are important in order to see the "WHY'S" and "WHAT'S" of life.

That is cause/effect....... It is like a chain reaction, even when we make mistakes in life-- I have made more than plenty-- there is also time to mend those mistakes the best we can. We at the end are humans and all we can do is to observe and learn to question everything as to "understand" how things work.

In my case I need to understand all of that in order to keep closer to God, to myself and to others as well. It makes me happy and also gives me enormous satisfaction when I serve others, and it is only possible thought my belief in a higher power. Bare in mind, I do not belong to any specific religion and I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT RELIGION HERE. THAT IS "OFF TOPIC" FOR ANY LIST.

I do not oppose religion, I am for it, yet I still to find one that has most of my own belief already in place. Dad did not belong to any religion, but he used the old testament to make his points clear to me at least. I think it was part of him teaching me to be docile and also to read him....... In hopes one day I would learn to read people and not be too naive. Still I am trying, I fail the first time, but due to others having also concealed the truth.

For what I know, I was a very hard to deal with child, yet through asking and questioning everything (taught by dad) I learned to make the connections that helped me become independent. IT took years, but I have learned to investigate and to try to figure out the world out there.

Lots of Aspies might say, too much detail, but it is because of the details that I am making less mistakes and also that I am better prepare to face the world out there. I do quite fair in social situations and also have fun and am able to relate to others. Logical thinking, cause effect will not leave me. Yet I am compassionate and can relate to you and your anguish and pain.

If I sound too logical or too cause effect is because I am trying to find a way of reaching out your husband. If I was to only sympathize with you and tell you how sorry I am for what yo are going through (wish I am, I can relate to some extent) I will not do you a favor, neither will be helping or trying to help.

Big hug for Venitha (((((((((( Venitha ))))))))))!

Thanks and regards

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[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Thanks for replying to this post as well. I could not get to mail it to her, I realized that when I hit the _ in the key board it did not take, just made the space. That is why it did not go.

I do agree with you, he seems to have move forward.

In my case I had to say good bye as well.......

It really did not work, no matter how hard I tried. He did not want to be bothered, he was happy as he was and things were.

He had no complaints about me, he always said that. Yet I needed to feel I was a woman and he a man.......

I supposed it was my fault for wanting to feel that way, but I am just human.......

to boot, a naughty one too....... :-P Yet, shy to admit it!!!!!!! ;-)

I do agree with you, only a professional needs and can diagnose AS or Schizophrenia.

-------

Good Holidays and how are your kids doing?

Have you heard of Sondra at all? How is she doing?

What about her daughter and grand daughter?

I missssssssssssss her!

.

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[Guest guest]

Hi :

When I read your post I assumed it was meant to be delivered offline from some of your previous posts.

There are many relationships where employment fosters a distance, i.e. deployment or jobs that require traveling for job security. It has become a fact of life for many families and not always a choice due to many factors.

The "only" piece I would add would be that no one knows "why" he asked for the divorce. Only "he" can answer this. Only the two of them can work this out. It is a communication issue between the 2 of them. "We" can offer a hypothesis on "why" he is doing what he is or speculate on what he or she might or should do but at the end of the day it is just them. The possibility of Asperser’s-Schizophrenia Spectrum connection brings in mental health issues that are beyond "our" scope better left to the professionals that are not always right as U said.

Vanitha: I hope U fined the answers U are searching for on this board or from other means or from within yourself. My ex did me a BIG favor when he served me with divorce papers as he knew, marriage was not for him and we have a better relationship for it. Yes there was pain for all of us, but we moved FF. I wish U luck in your journey. I hope this works out for U either way. ASPIRES celebrates mixed relationships but also support those that say, "It is time to call it a day and move FF. The very BEST. This is all about "YOU" and not him at this moment as he has made his choice.

Just "my" personal opinion.