Re: Re: Introduction-- Venitha!

[Guest guest]

Hello Vanitha,

How are you doing?

This is the mail that I thought I had sent to you last night, but I placed it in the "mail waiting to be sent folder". I am sorry.......

In real life loving is a process in my views, two people usually feel attraction first--

Chemistry is there or not since the beginning....... arrange marriage or not.......

Yet a couple has to learn to love each other for things to keep going, attraction is what took them to be together, love what will keep them together. Yet love is not only a commitment, it is far more than that, it is also a choice. When I chose to make a commitment in the relationship, it was me the only one making it. ex did not, so things did not work.

Even when you have the best of intention, if only one of the parties is "emotionally" there, then things might not work....... Unless one wants to continue to live a life of love deprivation and understanding!

The fact that he is gone for several month at the time is not a good one. That IS the equivalent of being separated, wether it was acknowledge or not, whether it was intended or not! whether there were "good" intentions or not!

........ Even if he has done it only for work....... Being separated is not the ideal thing.

A man needs company and he will feel lonely away from home, and his wife.

In my views, and bare in mind the following are only my views and they might differ completely form someone else's.

IF he is gone for so long, where does he lives while he is gone? In an apartment, if so do you visit?

Writing mail/texting/calls is not the same as being next to him taking care of him and his needs.

Biological needs, Emotional needs or needs of any type. I would cook for him, tent to him and the house.

As a woman, I would need his presence, his voice, his hugs, his body not just his texts or mails. I would need to feel that I am there for him and that I could reach out to him as well if need be. It is a friendship, a partnership with both of us being still our own self and expressing or selves in our own ways.

How difficult will it be for you to move where he is? Can work transfer for you? Is there anything that could be done for your work from afar? Can something be done in order for you both to spend more time together as husband and wife?

How Long has this living in different places has gone on?

Vanitha, when a man talks about a woman in the way he seems to be talking to you about her....... That is a big read flag!

NO, not a red flag telling you that he might be having an affair....... but for you to "move forward and ask him what is it that the likes about her".

If so can you give it to him? If I was in your situation, I would try to honestly find out the real truth. What is it that he needs and wants? How can I give it to him or if I am providing him with what he needs, how can I improve it.

A man usually needs to have physical contact with a woman to feel closer to her emotionally. Yet, Ironically and woman needs to feel closer to a man emotionally to want to be intimate.

It is not an easy thing to come to terms with, but it is usually the way it is (again my own personal opinion) If he is infatuated with her, is because he might feel of use to her, and also he might feel that she needs him as a man. No, not necessarily sexually, there is more to this. If it was sex alone, he would not ask for the divorce or not at least so fast!

How long have they known each other?

If I were you, I will fight for him and will make sure I think of what I really need to do in order to keep him, but changes are needed in order to do so. Honest changes as well as for them to have long lasting results!

Do you miss him and do you tell him how lonely you feel without him? Who takes care of him if he gets a cold, or falls ill?

When he needs to be taken care of, who does it? Same for you, who is there for you to confide in when you need to? See, as a woman, you also need him greatly.

A marriage, partnership, or whatever you want to name it, IS made of two people....... who actively works with each other for the marriage and the understanding of each other as individual REGARDLESS of any other outside influence. (Outside influence is meant here as any other human being or element that is not you and your husband, this also includes children)

In order for you to have an absolute friendship and partnership with your mate, you BOTH need to consciously know THAT on your own....... And work with the knowledge that you both are TWO with ONE common goal when it comes to marriage)

Keeping a marriage is hard work, give an takes, and lots of compassion and understanding for each others is needed. At times even compassion with one self as guilt is one of the worse things to have in a marriage. It keeps you down and tied to the impossible and unrealistic....... With no way out for a good solution for anyone involved at all.

Again my own personal opinion....... Also, hard work is needed.......

Month of separation at a time will take a toll in any marriage.

Whether a man has AS or Not, he needs company and trust me, I do not feel it is AS the one at fault here, most likely the distancing that exist between you both. It is like being separated and that is why he is asking for the divorce.......

I am just giving my opinion in the manner, I might be 100% wrong, but in any case, the truth of the matter needs to be said, you can work with the truth. You will know where you are standing and how much hope of rebuild there is. Obsession or not, the truth needs to be said.

I know I will be repeating myself here, but I am trying to find a possible solution for your dilemma. Let touch the subject of distance between you both.

Physical distance for long periods of times (no physical contact), no close talking, equals NO bonding. The results is emotional distancing followed by a breakup.

In order to fix things, or try to do so; you both need to make a conscious effort and then give each other a honest chance. it is about the present, but you need to recognize the mistakes of the past. Once you do that, you can try to fix the present, and plan for a future being together. He needs to tell you what it is that he needs or wants, and you need to tell him the same. See what the Psychologist says and take it from there, but not without getting a second opinion!

Bare in mind that what anyone says to you, psychologist or not IS only the opinion of a person, at the end your heart should be the one you need to follow, it seldom mistakes.

I am praying for you in my corner of the world.......

.

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