RE: Bill and marriage - Redux

[Guest guest]

--- Bill i am sorry to hear this.

you said an interesting thing about priveleges and consequences of long successfull marriages.

said with such bitter pride.....

you live through and successfully navigate an AS marriage that is so successfull and so long that it is interupted by "age related" pathology. The AS didnt end the relationship, it was left to somethign else. reflects well on you and your wife.

its a cruel fate .

I feel bad for you.

36 m diagnosed AS

[Guest guest]

Bill,

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. Getting into a local Caregiver's Support group can really help you clarify behaviors, roles/duties, lessening fears, making tough decisions etc.

I did the caregiving for my uncle for 4 years and through my own cancer at the same time. I did not heed my own words.

I do understand.

Wishing you and your wife all the best,

Lorelie

To: aspires-relationships From: wdloughman@...Date: Thu, 18 Sep 2008 11:39:07 -0700Subject: Bill and marriage - Redux

My original post (9/10/08 01:15pm, titled "Revelations...") was more than a little contorted; at once both revealing and concealing my purpose in writing. As and commented: "a very unbill post".After the short preamble, and comments, below, I'll explain.david bailey wrote:[ BIG snip ]Ron had asked:> > Since you are a Scientist and have investigated so many of the things> > that the majority of us have sadly for granted, does this mean that you> > investigated your own ?love?, and determined its validity and its source> > or nature?Bill responded to Ron:[ snip ]> And of course my present (2nd) wife, of whom you know a few details;> who too is becoming "difficult" but in a *seriously different* way thatNB: "becoming 'difficult'" and "seriously different"...> I don't understand at all. Nonetheless I *love* her still. Differently> from our youth, but still.>> Somewhere in all that I expect you'll find at least a bit of the answer> you're seeking. I can't see it clearly enough to spell it out any> differently than I have.Then (to Bill) jumped in with a *very perceptive* observation:> me here:> i was wondering when this would come bill.> the revelation thread was a plea for "help" but a disguised one.> you have never asked for help or seemed to need it.Yes; and Yes.> but lately, just prior to your departure, and subsequent return your usual> analytical approach has been underpinned with a distraction.> there has been something "not right" in your posts.Yes. Perceptive.> > "in a seriously different way that you dont understand", is a warning > sign for me.Very perceptive.> > im going to stick my neck out here and say your attempts at > rationalising your wifes behaviour and you post explaining this > "revelation" are your attempts to qualify your wifes behaviour that you > dont understand. in order to do so you try and label it, AS it, > pathologise it, you dont understand it.To "all the above": Close, but not quite. ...I *fear* it.> > response was, in my observation her way of saying " wtf are you > talkign about"?> it seemed to be a very unbill post.Yes , it was. My situation isn't what it was.> > i will end by saying this:> if you dont understand your wifes behaviour, it is unlikely to be > because she is AS.> you know more about AS here than anyone else.Likely, yes.Because of that, it's "likely" my wife *is* AS. At the _very least_ AC: autistic-cousin; something far too similar to be mere coincidence.> i suspect the one thing that bill doesnt understand is non-AS behaviour.No._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Now the realities.*All* older people, the oldest of us, are at significant risk for various pathologies. Many of these ultimately kill us.In addition to AS or similar, or just being a Bad-Ass, my wife's significant behavior changes are consistent _inter alia_ with* early-onset Alzheimer's Disease, and* brain tumor.She herself has feared the former for a several years; but/and won't even consider the latter.In any event she's *always* been "as independent as a hog on ice" and WILL NOT ask her doctor about any of it. Fear? I don't doubt it.While I'd long suspected her as AS-or-something, and she herself for much longer believed herself to be ADD, she WILL NOT go for an "official" dx. Her usual (and oft-quoted) response: "Why ever would I want to do that?" ...For any of it.My own purpose in super-carefully evaluating the possibility of AS in my wife was to aid a differential diagnosis. To *rule out* behavior changes due *merely* to AS or similar (ADD, etc.).As I said before, the alternatives are dire. And now more strongly possible.Just as I'd done with my Web pages, presenting myself as an example of a *successful* adult AS (back when there weren't so many), I'm presenting *us* as an example.From the beginning, an example of a more-or-less "successful" marriage of AS/NT: "...it can be done", said I.Now as an AS/(NT|AS|?) older couple approaching the end of our lives. Possibly now with great difficulties facing us both.My situation, and my wife's, likely is near unique. Both of us, separately (76 and 65), are among the oldest of adult AS. Together, I'd wager we could be the oldest known *married AS couple*.Consider me to be like Homer (in Irving's Cider House Rules) trying always "to be useful".For what must be obvious reasons, I can't but *these* details on a public Web site.But here you have a preview of what will be the lot for all of you - older age with all its privileges AND its consequences.- Bill, 76, dx AS; ...trying to be helpful, but *really* pensive-- WD "Bill" Loughman - Berkeley, California USAhttp://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm Stay up to date on your PC, the Web, and your mobile phone with Windows Live. See Now

[Guest guest]

Bill and marriage - Redux

My original post (9/10/08 01:15pm, titled " Revelations... " ) was more

than a little contorted; at once both revealing and concealing my

purpose in writing. As and commented: " a very unbill post " .

After the short preamble, and comments, below, I'll explain.

---------------------

Absolutely no explanation needed, Bill.

I (and I am sure I can make that we, speaking for others on the list) are

very

grateful for the insights you have shared over time. There have been

_many_.

I only hope that you gathered that no matter how little I may have actually

understood what you were putting forth (though I actually understood it all,

I think)

I got the gist of it, nevertheless, which is the " worry " part of my post.

You told

me not worry, but I did anyway. I have this awful instinct when it comes to

such.

Now i will hope very dearly that you are wrong in your worries. Either

way,

howeever, I sense that it will be OK.